DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

[YourWittyLion]

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

This is so sad for you. Be totally pragmatic about the logistics. Has DH also still got parents in the area who you'll need to/want to visit? Plan where you'll stay when you go back for visits. Try and move to somewhere with a station, so you don't have to drive every time, as you too get older and tireder. And talk through all of it with your siblings, so they both understand how you're planning to manage this move. And once you've made the move, do not ever 'go home' to DM for future Christmases - just the worst time of year for resentments to surface, or DM to be difficult with your children, and it's hard to just get up and leave once you've driven for 4 hrs! Best of luck.

OP you should have said you were moving east or west! There would be fewer odd replies from posters with strange chips on their shoulders!

sorry for the reposts. Blame MN!

oops multiple posts. Sorry!

OP you should have said you were moving east or west! There would be fewer odd replies from posters with strange chips on their shoulders!

Hmmm. So it’s selfish to live your own life as you want to, but not selfish to expect others to live their lives as you want them to.

For all the romanticizing of those ‘communal’ cultures. there are those living within the constrains of them that romanticize individualism.

Why does their need to be a reason beyond they like the place, and want to live there? Contrary to what to may believe, the grass can indeed be greener elsewhere. I’ve emigrated twice. So have my parents (actually thrice, for one of them). My brother is becoming a digital nomad. No complaints so far from any of us.

Well that explains a lot. Misery loves company, OP. She felt constrained, but instead of wanting freedom for you, she wants you to feel as trapped as she does.

You’ll never be able to avoid this reaction unless you’re prepared to totally give up your dreams (and that won’t make you happy, any more than your mother doing what she felt she had to has made her happy). Acquiescing because you’re frightened of her reaction just lets her know that she can pull these stunts and it will work (and she will almost certainly escalate, btw). Giving in would be at a great cost not just to yourself, but to the family you have built with your husband and children. You owe yourself, and them, more than that.

It seems she’s installed in you a need to pacify and give into her when she’s unhappy with you, and that’s the programming you’re going to need to confront and shake off. Will you find it uncomfortable and even frightening? Quite probably. Will it be to your benefit to do? Yes, most definitely. You don’t belong to your mother, and you’re not responsible for her. You don’t need her permission to be happy, or to make decisions about your own life. Her feelings are for her to manage, not you.

A fresh start away from her toxic mother, for one thing.

OP

"Comments mentioning that she is upset about losing her DH to dementia i don't think are necessarily the case. She unfortunately hates the man, resents staying with him. Over the years has been very nasty saying he never worked hard/ didnt have drive or make enough money and has actually verbalised that she is annoyed that he has "done this to her" (got dementia). She has no empathy for his situation, how he feels and honestly has no love or care for the man! He unfortunately is a hindrance to her and she resents him for it! She is open in voicing to this with him present. 😪 I honestly think she is only concerned about how the prospective diagnosis affects her!"

If he is diagnosed with dementia, you should inform social services and police about this when he gets a little worse and starts to lack capacity or ability to choose to leave her. She's exactly the type of person to put a pillow over his face and 'just press down a little to muffle the snoring' which she'll only confess to after they find the fabric fibres in his throat during post mortem, alongside the triple dose of meds in his bloods that she was giving him so he slept all the time and she could ignore him.

Why does their need to be a reason beyond they like the place, and want to live there?

Exactly. Those asking the reason are doing so before answering OP because they want to judge her for the reason. She's supposed to justify it to them and if she doesn't do a good enough job of that in their eyes, they'll judge her as selfish and say she shouldn't go. They're of similar ilk to the mother IMO and don't believe a person has autonomy, otherwise surely OPs reason wouldn't matter to them. She wants to live there, end of. She's allowed to want things for herself. That's enough of a reason.

Go into it with careful thought and eyes open. Whether or not you part on good terms - and it may be you don't - you will probably be spending some time in the future going back and forward when you least want it. With kids it's also a juggling act. What about your DP and his parents, is it likely you will both have to be doing something like this at some point?

Not picking on the above poster in particular but it's an example of what's been said many times on this thread. It's very frustrating that this is the expectation that even random strangers on the internet are putting onto OP.

As someone posted earlier in the thread, she "managed" to visit parents every 6 weeks whereas her brother, who obviously had no intention of "managing" and wanted to actually enjoy his life without feeling frazzled at all, visited once a year, presumably when it was convenient for him. There's absolutely no reason why OP couldn't do the same if she wishes.

All this doom and gloom about the trials of regular 4hr drives is completely irrelevant because it's OPs choice whether she does that or not. She does NOT have to come running just because something has gone wrong with one of her parents. If she's busy with work or family life for a few days it's ok for her to get there when she can, if she feels the need to go there at all.

She's been thinking about this move for 15 years, I'm sure she's factored in how often and under what circumstances she's likely to want to go back to visit, when making her decision to move down south.

Whaaaat?

After reading your update it’s even clearer that you have to go! Do it! And with a clear conscience. X

Given your latest update, definitely move!

Your mother sounds scarily similar to my father. He also has a preference for granddaughters and made it clear he had no time for grandsons. He and my mother are still together but he despises her. The atmosphere in their house is awful.
I live 400 miles away from them.

How awful. Do you ever see dm?

@Bayroot1 yes, I put up with the atmosphere for a couple of weeks a year.
Mum knows that she is always welcome to come to me but hasn’t travelled in years.

I bet you feel like scooping her up. So frustrating when people put up with this behaviour.