To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

Can you work with your DP to put conditions/rules in place beforehand?

Eg Going to college, working / applying for work, doing household tasks etc?

I don’t think it’s surprising that you’re not keen, but I do think you would be unreasonable to veto it. He is their father and they should have the option of living with him. Most children do live with their parents at 18, and there’s no good reason why he should be less responsible for housing them than their mother. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, I’d start making plans to split.

So their dad has seen them for 52 days a year, not including the holidays for the last 12 years. I can see why this was uncomfortable to write.

Ask them to move in now so that your dh can make sure he gives them the help and support you dont think they’re getting at home, particularly in relation to their education. then he’ll have at least done some hands on parenting for a few years and the chance to change their trajectory.

OP

I think you wrote about this before? As it was approaching...now it's here.
You'll get your behind handed to you here so no help from Mumsnet (apart from trying to make yourself accept your fate).

But that's irrelevant. Your DH doesn't have your back. It was a while coming and now it's crystallized.
You need to be aware of that and take the next steps. I.e. I would split up with someone who treated me like that.
Or be their skivy / sponsor forever.

I also understand why you aren’t keen on living with them. However, I think you will have to split up with DH to avoid it.

Tell them they’ll need to be attending college and/or working, if they don’t you’ll need most of their UC. You need to make them welcome but not too comfortable: they need support to launch. Talk about it now, so they know.

I wouldn't put up with that, either. It really pisses me off that someone thinks they can mess up a child and then pass them on to someone else afterwards (coincidentally when no more money is forthcoming).

I have discussed things like screen time, homework and chores for SC for over a decade with DP and really not got anywhere. They argue and he gives in for an easy life. If I raised these suggestions, he’d agree, but it’d be me left to enforce it.

It’s fair not to want it, but you married a father and if he has to house his kids he has to house his kids. At any age, because no decent parent would turn their adult children away.

So your DH has barely seen his kids their entire lives and now can't be arsed to deal with the fall-out from that.

I'm not surprised you're uncomfortable - you're having to face up to the fact that you chose a useless man for a partner and father.

She didn’t mess them up alone though. They have two parents and if one was failing that badly then the other should have gone to court to protect them.

I’ve suggested that to all of them, collectively and individually, since the eldest was about 11. They’ve never wanted to.

I genuinely think their lives could have been put onto another trajectory if they’d had more support, direction and boundaries. But it didn’t happen.

Well you choose to marry & have kids with him knowing he wasn’t really making a effort…. You reap what you sow. 🤷‍♀️

But the time for him to become a decent father was years ago! He wasn't a good father then and now he wants to be a terrible partner to the OP. No doubt he'd expect her to put in a lot more, since that's what she's always done.

He did, the kids’ voices were listened to and they didn’t want to move.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to

They wouldn’t have been allowed to make that decision when your DPs relationship with their mother ended as they would have been, what…1,3 and 4? Did he just settle for EOW then?

They’ve been thoroughly let down until now with no parent pushing them forward in life.
what type of adulthood awaits them?

perhaps your DH can get his act together and do something before it’s too late and they become a drain to society.

They only listen to their voices when they are teenagers. He spent nearly a decade and did naff all about it. He is part of the problem.

Eh I do agree with this. If she was essentially neglecting them then he should’ve fought to at least have them 50/50. I don’t love the sound of their mum either and agree with PP that it’s convenient timing with CM stopping

same as any of these situations I feel bad for the kids. This is the shittest thing about being a step parent OP, these things are out of your control but will of course have a huge impact on your life

Did you post about this before? I seem to recall a very similar thread in the recent past.

Apologies if I've got that wrong!

You need to have a clear and direct conversation with your husband about what the conditions are about them moving in including them having to be in work or further education and contributing to the upkeep of the housework etc.

Once the two of you are clear and on the same side you have a family meeting with the step children and lay all rules and conditions on the table.

They may not see the idea of living with their Dad as so exciting if they know they have to buck up their ideas.

The key is that you and your husband are on the same page and working as a team.

He had every weekend at first and one midweek dinner at first, then their mum moved without notice. He went to court, court said she had to do all the driving, which she did for a year or so then sold her car. Since then it has been dropped to every other weekend plus holidays. Which he accepted. Then we met. He then went to court again when they were late primary and early secondary because of the neglect and was told it was a parenting choice and that they were happy with the arrangements.

Short of moving two hours away to be closer (without any guarantee of more contact) I don’t think he could have done more. Their mum has consistently blocked contact and tried to damage the relationship between us and the kids.

Them declaring that their mum says it’s fair that their dad does some parenting post-18 is completely out of the blue.

This. Every other weekend and some school holidays is not an involved parent

Its not unusual for 18 year olds to have to live with parents...maybe instead of criticizing their mum, your husband needs to now step up and be there for his kids.

Don't do it! You, your opinions, needs, and sanity matters too. DH sounds too lazy to raise them, so it would all be on you. Do you really want to raise 3 kids that aren't your own at a point in time where their behaviours have already been set and hard to change?

Provided you still want to stay together, you have two options - 1) foot down, they're not coming. They've chosen to stay with BM until now, so that's where they'll be. Or they start providing for themselves since they are adults. Or 2) DH takes them in. At which point you buy two smaller properties and live separately until all of the stepchildren have left. Neither of these options are easy or come without complications, but they are better for YOU than taking on 3 "kids" who aren't yours until they're ready to be independent (which by the sounds of it won't be anytime soon).

Best of luck x