To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

You’re going to have to set rules e.g. they only live with you if they have jobs and pay towards the house, keep things clean etc. If DH isn’t willing to back you up then you have a DH problem. Tbh I foresee you breaking up over this

He doesn’t have the choice now though, he gets told he gets them when they’ve stopped being their mum’s cash cows and failed their GCSEs and further education.

If the 14yo moved in now, we could help him. But he doesn’t want to because he prefers being at mum’s but will move when he’s 18 apparently…

It is a big thing to accept you have been labouring under an illusion….

the illusion being that by 18 kids are magically suddenly grown ups who can look after themselves…. It is not like that anymore for many young people…

So there may be issues but your H is 50% responsible for how they have been educated so far. You are blaming their behaviour 100% on their mum, but dad plays an equal part

good for him for assuming the responsibility off ongoing support for helping these young people to adulthood, to jobs and independence

but that is a process and does not happen overnight when they are 18

i mean, what did you think was going to happen?

Me too which is why I’m wondering if it’s better for my DDs’ sakes to just cut my losses now.

Honestly, you probably should.

I wouldn't expect him to hang around for your kids though, if his track record is anything to go by. Prepare yourself for single parenting.

If you haven't posted about this before @Phylllis then someone else had the exact same problem as you.
I can't remember the username, but not sure if there's a way to search old posts to see if any of the replies could help your situation.

CynthiaT was the name OP posted in back in October. A few minor differences but clearly the same poster.

Essentially their mother is wanting rid of them once any child aupport stops when they're 18! One assumes that even if they were still in education after 18 she wouldn't be bothering to take on any financial responsibility.

When SC were little I assumed they’d be off to uni at 18 like I was, and pretty much everyone I knew did.

As they grew up I assumed they’d stay local to their mum’s as they’ve always been very clear that they prefer it at her house and don’t live to be with us.

It’s only in the last year that I’ve started hearing any expectation of them moving in as adults. Of course I’d be happy to have any of them if they moved closer for work and needed to get settled, or had a relationship breakdown or were ill or something. But not this.

But look at this from a 14 year olds point of view...he would be expected to move 1.5 hours away, chance school, leave his friends behind to live with his dad, who lets face it, doesn't see much of him.

I don't blame a 14 year old for not wanting to leave all he knows and live with his dad at this point in his life

That’s so sad. I do really feel for you and your DDs in all of this. But I’m not sure there is anything you can do really. If their mother (who does sound terrible) kicks them out then your DP can either wash his hands of them or take them in. Either he gets strict and lays down the rules and you are probably in for a lot of hostility and anger. Or he lets them continue being pigs and you then have to parent your DDs differently. I hope it doesn’t end your marriage but it doesn’t feel like a situation that’s possible to win really.

Exactly. I have zero sympathy for people who marry someone who already has children. You should've considered the possibility of living with children that aren't yours long before you married and had kids with this man.

I would start making a few changes now. Give your daughters their own rooms and two of them can share.

Ok that's good that he helps, and he isn't as lazy as he perhaps initially came across.

The fact that he's also stressed when the step kids are around really isn't a good sign though. Don't take them in!

I don’t see why any 18 year old would want to either though?

We are suddenly hearing all kinds of things like “when I move here and I start driving lessons, where will I park my car?” and “you can pay me for babysitting when I live here so you can go out more” which I can only assume is coming from their mum.

I just feel sorry for the children here. None of the adults in their lives want them or can be arsed with them.

This isn't the popular thing to say on MN, but I would be saying no.
If they are 18 when they move in they are legally adults and you'd have no control about coming and going, very little support from official services, and no end in sight as it doesn't sound like they'll be trying for uni or in a hurry to seek work (though that could change and is worth discussing).
You've never lived with them before and it doesn't sound like anyone has been keen for that to happen until now.
It isn't unreasonable for you to not want this and to refuse it.
It will be uncomfortable and you may face push back, but put if the majority of chores and the added financial burden is likely to fall on you, you need to put yourself first.
The kindest thing isn't always the most sensible thing and letting them move in would be kind, but it doesn't sound sensible.

Thank you, this sums up how I feel. He’s a good and involved dad to DDs and supportive of my work. Often I’m away with work a night or two a week and he makes up his hours working evenings and weekends when SC aren’t here. It means we don’t get a lot of time as a couple or as a four but we cherish what we get (and I like the calm evenings!) and we’re working towards early retirement.

When SC are here there’s so much conflict and mess that we end up snapping at each other. I don’t see things ending well with them moving in unfortunately.

This

I don't understand why your two share and yet SC who are only ever there sporadically get their own rooms? Can you explain that?

I think this will be the best idea. I think both of their parents have failed them to varying degrees, but it's not your fault/responsibility.

I guess 18 is when typically life changes happen...many of their friends will probably move away to go to uni or get jobs etc.

right now, the 14 year old is smack bang in the middle of high school ... he'd have to be the new kid and make new friends etc if he moved now, whereas at 18, you are generally starting some sort of new path so its easier to change area and move away

Jesus "she's had them until they're 18" - why do these people even have kids. What a horrible thing to say to any child, at any age. You choose to bring a life into the world, and in my humble opinion, I'm here for my own two DC until the day I die, if need be.

I agree. And it sounds like they had two shit parents, not one. The fact that OP gives her DH a pass on this is beyond me. I’d have no respect for a man who failed his children this badly, let alone marry him and have two kids with him.

Presumably this house you all live in is quite large. Could your husband afford to buy you out if you divorced him?

@Whaleandsnail6 but the Dad had no choice as the ex moved the children over an hour away. He also tried to get them to move in with him to support them but the court disagreed with this. By the time they are teens they probably want to be near mates at a weekend.