To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

But even if they paid a ‘modest rent’ that doesn’t solve the fact that the house isn’t big enough to house five adults and two kids. We only have one family bathroom and our tiny en suite. Our bills aren’t that high because we’ve gone without in other areas to get the mortgage down but it’s not really about the money.

DP is out a lot of weekends and evenings so it’s just me and the kids and we have a nice, calm routine of cooking together, reading, playing games and cosy nights. When SC are here it’s loud music, screaming into phones and consoles, slamming doors, hogging the TV and bathroom for hours, leaving mess everywhere… I just don’t want it. They’re not bad people at heart, and I want the best for them, but I don’t want to live with them as adults.

I think it is indeed better to cut your losses asap and get organised to set up your own peaceful home.

3 adult children doing exactly as they please with their awful rearing is going to be nothing but stress for you and your children, potentially ruining their childhood.

You can continue your relationship if you must, whilst having absolutely no involvement in the skiving for his children that living with them would involve.

Get out while you can.

Why would you calculate days and not include holidays. That’s weird.

You don’t have to split up, but you will end up doing so pretty sharpish if you let them move in, as even if you set out rules beforehand, it’s clear that your DP will do nothing to enforce them. You will end up stressed, resentful and exhausted.

It sounds like the best option would be for you and your DP to live separately, but stay together in a relationship; him living with his older 3 DC and you with the younger 2 DC. He can visit you on a schedule you are both comfortable with. It’s not ideal, but probably the only way you could “stay together”.

You could agree that you would be prepared to all get a bigger house together once you’ve seen the changes you’ve mentioned. This is unlikely to happen for some time, as it doesn’t sound likely that your DP would enforce any rules, but at least you wouldn’t have to live in/with the chaos.

Christ you make a lot of excuses for their dad. He's been a shit dad to them and - surprise! - they've turned out badly. That is on him as much as on their mum. He wasn't in their lives anything like as much as he should have been. He could have contested her moving them so far away. He could have moved nearer to them. He could have fought for 50:50 custody when they were small and their views (obviously influenced by their mothers laissez faire approach) would not have been taken into account. But like so many men he decided that caring for children was women's work, and happily paid to outsource all the hard stuff to their mum, even knowing she was not up to the job. What a hero. So now he's doing great with his do-over family? Wonderful for you all, not so much for the three he washed his hands of.

I agree you shouldn't have to have three additional grown adults living with you. Crap for your kids. But if their mum throws them out (which she is perfectly legally entitled to do once they are adults, morally repugnant though it is) for your partner to also refuse to house them would be equally morally repugnant. So it is what it is. This is what's known as chickens coming home to roost. No they're not your chickens, but they are definitely his and he bloody deserves it. So you have to decide whether it will be better for your kids to carry on living with their dad and half siblings, or have a separate home away from them. Based on his past performance as a separated dad, I wouldn't be expecting him to see much of them once they're out of his way.

So your dds need their own rooms. Where will the SC sleep? The house isn’t big enough. There is no reasonable assumption that your dds will share forever to allow for the housing of 3 adults who don’t contribute

I feel like this would be the death knell of our relationship either way. To afford a five bedroom house by himself he’d need to be working even more hours and I don’t think it’d be healthy.

Selfishly, my career demands travel, but not on set days, and I don’t want to think about how I could balance childcare, work and a contact schedule in a way that’d be fair to DDs. I’d have to take a big step down. It seems so unfair that SC’s mum’s choices are potentially ruining my DD’s childhoods when SC are going to be adults. I never thought this would be the outcome.

I would reposition the kids rooms now.
Same with your office. Sort the rooms and then they have to share. Make your house the one they don't want to live in

I notice you've given a "we" answer" to a "he" question here. Which I suspect is actually a "me" answer. If you took your efforts out of the equation, how much parenting has your DH actually done of these kids?

It was his job to find a homework incentive that worked for his daughter, and his job to help his children understand why discipline is important. That's parenting he should have been doing, independent of you.

You want us to think this man is such a great and equal dad to your own two kids, but I doubt that. Not with how utterly sure you are that all the SC parenting would fall on you. It doesn't add up. He sounds like a dud.

@Phylllis everytime they say they are moving in with you, I'd counter they are welcome to move in but ONLY if they attend further education or are working. If they do neither of those things, then they can't move in. It will give them a few years to get used to the idea and the expectation they will NOT be sitting home doing nothing.

OP, you knew full well this man had THREE DC that would grow up and could potentially move in at any point. And you chose to marry him and pop out a few DC of your own regardless.

The amount of women who stick their head in the sand about step DCs and just hope they'll go away is depressing. Especially when their own DC come along.

ALL of the adults in this situation are awful. Poor DC.

Edit: Ah, I see you're not even married. Of course.

Oh, what a brilliant idea. Create a hostile environment for them. Make sure they know that absolutely nobody wants them.

What a vile response.

Morally, I think it would be abhorrent for your DH to refuse to house his children once they turned 18. Every young adult should have the safety net of a family home.

Their mum sounds rubbish, but that doesn't justify your husband failing them. You don't stop trying to be a good parent because your ex is shit.

You might not technically have any obligation towards them, but how can you possibly respect a man who won't provide a home for his teenage children?

If their mum kicks them out and you say no, there are two possible scenarios: Either he prioritises his relationship with you over his duty towards his own children (and failed to parent properly for most of their lives). In this case he's a weak, pathetic man that can't be trusted to be good role model to your shared DC. Or he splits up with you in order to do the bare minimum a father should do, in which case you lose your relationship and your joint children will experience the joys of being shunted between homes.

Would all 3 be moving in at once or 1 at a time? So just the eldest moves in when they turn 18? That might be easier 1 at a time than all 3 at once.

Having said that regardless of what you say about dp parenting your shared dc he sounds pretty shit to his other dc. What sort of parent would he be to your shared dc if you split up?

I’d do this.

Theyve had to plenty chance to come live with you. They don’t get to make you put your lives on hold for the promise of something years in the future that you don’t even want.

Live your life, give your kids the best life you can. If DP or his kids don’t like it, let him walk and make something better.

Why do people always says this - what's the fucking point at this stage?

@Phylllis can your partner afford to pay for a flat and put them in there. They can then get benefits to pay bills I assume. They'll be able to grow up then.

To make the OP realise that she made her bed and now must lie in it?

She actively chose to have DC with a man with three DC. Unsurprisingly, those DC have grown into grumpy, lazy teens (like a hell of a lot of teens) and now they're no longer cute toddlers she isn't interested in playing the doting step mother, but would much prefer they no longer existed now her own DC have come along.

It's clear the neglectful parents are the really shitty people in this situation, but it's hard to have much sympathy for OP when she chose this life.

I think you posted this same thread a few weeks and got the same advice then. Why does this need a new thread?

This. I don't understand why your DD's don't already have their own rooms tbh. Sounds like madness that they're made to share in their own home so that sc each have their own room for the small percentage of the year that they're there.

So their DM wants to keep them for every second she receives child maintenance, then chuck them out the second she doesn’t?

How odd that your OP said "Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us."

I guess the maintenance ends at 18, so of course Mum doesn't want to pay for young ( uneducated ) adults living in her home.

And why on earth would you not include half the holidays, other than to sharpen your pencil in order to stab the OP?