To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

Whose choice was it to break up a young family all those years ago? His or his ex?

Wow I just ran some figures through the online calculator and if she’s working 16hrs on minimum wage, no partner living in, she’ll be getting £2841 with four kids at home vs £1490 with just the one. So £1350 for SC. With the maintenance topping that up, she’ll be losing £2150 a month when they’re all out of education. No wonder she’s been so keen to keep them at hers; they generate well over half her income.

We wouldn’t be entitled to anything if SC moved in now or later.

Hers, she rekindled an old relationship. He’s the dad to the youngest but they’re not together anymore.

I understand your annoyance at what you have just discovered but I would keep that separate from what their dad can do from now on to help them on the best path possible for a bright future. It’s not the kids fault what money the mum gets. Now is the time for their dad to step up and do all he can to counteract the parenting they receive at home.

ps those figures don’t sound quite right to me based on the dc ages and the mums working hours plus online calculators aren’t always very accurate so I wouldn’t assume that is how much she receives. Also you said her dp does live in.

Added to above - this is why their father needs to intervene now to do all he can to take them away from the path that will mean they need to rely on UC just to exist. Trust me - it isn’t a pleasant existence and everyone I know who is on it has the dream to be off it but it’s not easy as a single parent who works with a barely there father who only sees them eow

Her DP does live in but it’s fairly new so who knows if he’s declared or not. He does work but I have no idea of the details, plus he has kids too.

It looks like SC would be entitled to £317 a month if unemployed, so less than half of what they generate, plus if DP decided not to pay an allowance at that point, they’d need some of that for themselves and it wouldn’t all go in their mum’s coffers.

Doesn’t necessarily mean he can afford a place large enough to house four adults and to fund them.

No it doesn’t. But if the mum dropped down dead/ill health/or disability today what would he do? Would he find a way? He would have to. Or, more likely, he would rely on op to sort it all out. The mum is currently saying each dc has to leave when they turn 18. That’s why their dad has to step up now.

This thread illustrates how some mothers are prepared to use their children as a cash cow. Appalling parenting but at least the kids will now be away from the mother and see her true intentions.

Hence why their other parent, their dad, needs to step up and do all he can to ensure they know it’s not about money but it is about helping and supporting them. God knows they need it! It won’t be easy given what they have been used to so far but he at least has to try.

It’s not OP’s responsibility regardless of whether he’s in possession of a spine or not.

If he wants to try and house then himself he can. If he can’t afford to and/or doesn’t want to, then he won’t. That’s up to him.

He would have to afford his own place in the event that he and OP split, but it wouldn’t be able to afford the size of house he has now. Not that it really matters right now, given that they haven’t split.

Much as their mother can refuse to house them after 18, so he can he. What you think he should do is not what he has to do.

I don’t know that they’ll ever really understand. They’re very loyalty bonded to their mum, especially the girls, and constantly regurgitate the line of “she does her best.”

Unfortunately, SC will never get another chance at the education system.

But as far as the mother goes it was anout the money. It would have been interesting if the father intervenec a few years ago thus putting a stop to the mothers increased cash flow.

The children will be adults. It is the mother's behaviour that they should question.

No it’s not the ops responsibility. The op has intimated that she would split up if the dc came to live there.

Seeing as the dad only does what their dc other parent does then she could/should strongly suggest to him that he steps up and asks how he thinks he can achieve that.

To be fair we don’t know it was always about the money for the mum, and whilst it is the op here asking for advice we should all remember that real life is much more nuanced and complicated than can be expressed on here. That’s not to say I think op is lying (I don’t) but it is very easy to say things from your own point of view to make you look reasonable. Probably the mum could do the same. Like always - the whole truth will be somewhere in between.

And maybe the mum genuinely is doing her best.

I agree the saddest thing is their education - but their dad needs to ensure they know they can go back to it - it might not be as easy as at the age they are now but they need to know and feel they have not been written off by those closest to them

Sure, and while they’re currently dealing with that situation, it’s not at the stage where OP feels the need to pull the trigger on breaking up. It may never get to that stage, as the stepchildren may decide against living with their father, and/or he may decide against housing his adult children.

Why should she?

Op doesn’t have to do anything. As per her posts she has made her feelings quite clear for a decade on what their dad should do regarding instilling boundaries and their behaviour but by the ops admission their dad hasn’t done anything. It’s up to him now if he gets involved when his dc are made homeless at 18. But the dad hasn’t posted probably because he is hoping the op will find a solution, tell what to do or take the easiest option

Yes @Phylllis needs to focus on the best outcome for her own children and her own home life. It is not up to the Op to make up for the neglect of the biological parents in this case.

This is something DP and I have debated at length over the years.

When he ends up single and living with his older kids, I expect he'll probably regret not taking those conversations more seriously.

Poor kids, they’ve been written off as unachieving losers because they didn’t do well at school.

I don’t see how you can refuse OP. You can put your foot down and risk ruining your relationship with your DP.

Or you can say enough’s enough and move out yourself and leave your DH to it.

Or you can rise to the challenge, be the better person and take an interest in your DC’s siblings and help them find their feet to adulthood.

But if they move in with you, you have every right to stipulate that being unemployed at home is not an option; they either have to be in education or in work.

There’s no nice answer though. If I’d posted here five years ago with something like “AIBU to think DP should work less and pay less to his ex so his kids move in with us instead?” I’d have been vilified.

But I do genuinely think that would have resulted in far better outcomes for them.

It's all very well the Op getting her DH to agree to conditions before the DSC move in but what will he do if/when they don't abide by them. Once their living there he isn't going to chuck them out if they don't get a job so the Op then have to live with it or leave herself. Their DM given them no work ethic, she's happy to live on other people's money so the kids have no incentive to work.