To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

The oldest two SC fight a lot, to the point of violence in their early teens. Our two (also both girls) wanted to share. But now they’re getting to the age where they want their own space. SDs rooms are both disgusting with make up smeared on walls and rubbish everywhere so I only go in to empty the laundry baskets nowadays.

To be honest I assumed SC would start dropping weekends with us as they got older and wanted to see friends, so I thought it’d change naturally by about now.

In fairness, he could have moved closer or travelled there in the week. An hour is nothing - millions of people commute that to work everyday - it’s not like she moved to the opposite end of the country.

But again, thats not the kids fault. Its not their fault they haven't been encouraged and supported to reach their potential.

They need their dad to step up and support them once they hit 18 by providing them a home, or whats the alternative?

It’s just gross. How anyone could find a man like this attractive enough to reproduce with is beyond me.

OP met the kids when they were 2, 4 and 5 and contact had already slipped to EOW by that point as per her opening post. The next time court is mentioned in relationship to contact is when the kids are late primary/early secondary…so what, 8-10 years of not challenging the EOW status quo? I’m sorry, but he could have done more in that time.

We’re not married. I could afford to buy him out but I wouldn’t need a house this size so wouldn’t.

It’s not huge; was a four bed but we partitioned one room into two. Downstairs is cramped on weekends when they’re all here.

Very calculated indeed. It would be a firm no from me taking in messed up adults.

It has to be a joint decision between you and your husband as it affects not only both of you but also your children too. It should not be a default option for them all to just bundle into your house and freeload!
IF you decide that you are happy for 3, let's face it, adults to come live with you, then there needs to be VERY strict rules in place before they move in. If they break any of them then they are out; now second chances.
However...... good luck in getting your husband to back you up on enforcing these rules by the sounds of it

Sadly I think you need to cut your losses, once there is no bedroom each for the DC I doubt any will come to live with your partner.

Great news that you are not married and that you seem financially secure. I think at the very least you will need to live separately if his kids move in, but you don’t necessarily have to break up if you don’t want to.

The problem is, I don’t think there’d be any teeth to threatening to throw them out for bad behaviour. If their mum has downsized and no longer has space, that’d mean making them homeless.

DP is often working evenings and weekends so it’d be me at home, WFH downstairs, with them around all of the time. It’d be me having to clean up after them and nag them to go to college or apply for jobs and it’s just not viable.

What does your DH say when you put these arguments to him?

Obviously it is because of the loss of benefits and maintenance - she presumably will lose hundreds per month. Does she have a job? Regardless, if they stayed with her and had jobs they could give her some of it.
The real problem is that no one (except you) wants to set any ground rules. I think you either need to say no, or convince your DP that ground rules are needed for it to work and to make their lives better. And I would give your two children their own rooms now. You say the SC want to move in at 18, but they won't all be 18 at the same time and they will have to share. If you make it too easy for them, and too comfortable, they will never get their acts together, which is presumably why they're not going to college etc. now. I would also tell your DP that your two children need good role models and you can't have them in the house otherwise. And if they do move in, don't spend lots of money on them or buy driving lessons, as they need an incentive to get motivated.

I agree with this. If she does chuck them out, he needs to decide if he is going to house them or make them homeless. If he does house them, you can’t all live together (that needs to be none negotiable), so you need to consider how you’d manage your housing situation. If you could buy him out potentially he could use the money to buy somewhere for them to live (albeit unlikely a bedroom each etc). If it comes to this you will need proper legal advice to protect yourself.

That he understands my concerns but that he’s sure they’ll knuckle down after an adjustment period. That they’ll flourish with proper boundaries and expectations, and that it’s been hard for them to do well whilst living with their mum.

I’ve always agreed with those principles whilst they’ve been children but it’ll be my children who suffer (and me, my career and my savings) if they move in as adults.

DP has his own trades business and I’ve said if they’re not in full-time college or working they need to be out ‘helping’ him which he’s baulked at, saying they don’t have the right skillset. But they don’t have any skills and that’s the problem.

Its also their mums joint responsibility to home them too. What would she do if you both decided to downsize at the same time?
You need to prioritise your own children and if your husband doesn't want to recognise that then I'm afraid you need reconsider your relationship.
I too am a SP with our own children. As much as I will never prevent my husband from seeing his children or helping them in any way, he also understands that our children will always be my priority and I will not tolerate anything that compromises that.
Looking after 3 lazy adults and expecting to parent them in the absence of a lazy father is not what you signed up for!!!
They are adults at 18 and if they cannot abide by your house rules then they need to stand on their own two feet, get a job and their own place to live.
My own children won't be allowed to doss about and freeload off me at 18 either so I'm not being the wicked stepmother. Its either further education where they are seriously applying themselves or a job and contributing to the household financially

But, when he did see them, he didn’t want to actually parent them, he gave in for an easy life.

I don’t disagree with you entirely, but it’s not as clear cut as you make out.

SD1 decided she hated homework at about age 11. We’d have them sitting at the dining table to do it on a Saturday morning. She would just not do it or would scribble with the least effort possible. She could make a ten minute worksheet take an hour. What could we do? Any grounding ruined everyone else‘s weekend as one of us would have to stay home with her (which she liked), and any removals of screens would mean she’d refuse to visit for a month. It’s very hard to enforce rules on children who have a ‘better option’ and parents with opposing values.

So it's another rubbish DH who can't be bothered to actually parent.

I feel sorry for the kids. It's horrible when parents don't impart any real life skills, but expect a functioning adult to appear by magic when the child turns 18. And it's horrible to feel your own parents are washing their hands of you because the money's dried up. Or that you're an inconvenience because they've got a new family.

Then you both need to decide the ground rules now and start implementing them now.
First thing I would do is next year give your DD their own rooms. If SC visit they will have to (2 of them) share and that is totally acceptable. Your DD have had to share for a long time and as you are paying equally into the house, SC who are not there all week must share.
Secondly, decide at age 18 if live with you as adults how much rent you expect them to pay from their earnings or jobs. If they full-time students then say how many years you will fund half of.

then decide how many years after age 18 they can stay.

if their mother downsizes as she has no maintenance then she can still have money from their earnings and benefits given to her.

You can set ground rules and give advance notice of you expectations, including full time employment, payment of modest rent to cover their portion of the bills, contributing to housework, a curfew unless there is a prior agreement etc.

I suspect they might choose not to accept an offer that makes demands on them!

I would seriously consider moving out if they moved in. It sounds harsh but as you’ve described them, those kids will do untold damage to your two children. They sound like an appalling example and the atmosphere in your house would be awful with three feckless and lazy adults.

I would not want them to move in either,but as they are your DH’s kids I don’t think you have a choice (other than moving out )

Well, of course they are. They’ve got two parents living with them one of which by the sounds of it is only working part-time. Lots of time, energy and resource resources dedicated to them no doubt