To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

I wouldn't be enforcing limits on screen time at this age but expecting them to balance the commitment of school or work with hobbies and downtime. I think having an expectation of what they will do is powerful. My rule is that I expect dd to do her best in school, organise herself to do her homework on time, behave well... and she has to ask me if she needs help with anything. I don't remind her about homework or tests or bringing stuff in. I don't limit screen time. By the time she's done school stuff, hobbies, seen friends... it naturally limits itself.

Ah well, at least you’ll be able to demonstrate how much better a mother you are.

I don’t think our relationship would survive SC all living with us. I love them but after a weekend with them, I am utterly exhausted. There’s constant shouting and squabbles between them, talking back to us, and me being treated like some kind of inconvenient maid, doing all the cooking and laundry for everyone whilst they hog the TV and roll their eyes. It takes the whole household a few days to get back on track after they leave.

To be honest I was looking forward to repurposing their rooms when they became adults too. Our DDs share a room whilst SC each have their own, and my home office is a corner downstairs.

This is not a good sign. I doubt your DH would be willing to enforce any behaviours or rules now (like cleaning, contributing to household finances, finding work etc) if he wasn't able to do it in the past. It's indefinitely easier to try enforce these things with young kids than adults. Honestly, taking them in would be a mistake! If they come in, you need to move out.

I wouldn’t have (or expect to have) any control over things like screen time or curfews as they’re adults. It’d be like a house share. I stopped living in one of those in my late 20s and I don’t want to do it again.

Short of moving two hours away to be closer (without any guarantee of more contact) I don’t think he could have done more

Its easy to say with the benefit of hindsight, but if it had been me I would have been in court trying to get close to 100% contact/custody the minute the ex sold her car and stopped facilitating visits after unilaterally moving away. Not just sitting by and letting things drop to EOW unchallenged.

And what is your DH doing? Why are you being the household maid? They're not your responsibility

Your DP has buried his head under the sand for too many years. He has allowed this to get this far without intervening (guessing for an easier life) but he now has 3 DC who are not prepared for adulthood.

It probably is kinder in the long run to give firm boundaries and expectations now and for them to understand that they will have to leave if they are not met.

They know that their father will be a soft touch and they can laze around for the rest of their lives. They are still young so they can easily turn their lives around with some tough love.

Poor kids having nits for months. It just seems that they’ve been neglected not only by their mother, but also your own DP. He needs to step up and be the father they deserve.

That is so much easier said than done. I don't think you quite grasp how family court system works in the UK!

Well yes me too, but I’m not the parent here, and he didn’t.

You have a DP issue not just a SC issue.

Where is he during all this chaos? Why isn’t he stepping up as a parent and telling them what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour in your home? Why isn’t he the one doing their cooking and laundry?

If their Mum is sending them to live with you when they’re 18, doesn’t that mean that you will just be getting the oldest one, the 17 year old when they turn 18? If so you need to decide on ground rules with your DP - they either work or go to college, they can’t stay at home all day and do nothing. If they can’t get a job they need to sign on and be doing housework in the daytime. Regardless they need to help with chores, cook a meal one evening and clear up after etc. If it doesn’t work out with the oldest they need to move out and use that as your example why the others won’t be moving in when they turn 18.

It sounds like Mum wants them out because she’ll no longer get any money for them if they leave education so she’s throwing them out and Dad can pay now…….

In a nutshell this would only work if your dp has your back and is willing to discipline his kids. I’ve been there, my dh didn’t have my back, so it didn’t work.

But you knew what he was like and chose to have kids with him anyway.

When SC aren’t around, he’s a good dad to our youngest two and we are fairly equal and harmonious. He has his own business which has allowed him to be flexible on things like school runs and sick days which has enabled me to build my career.

When SC are around, the household becomes much more stressful and fractious and I end up running around constantly trying to keep everyone’s needs met. He also finds it stressful. I think this is quite normal in a family so big especially when you’re trying to raise three kids who disagree with your expectations (basic stuff like doing homework, not noisily staying up all night and keeping rooms tidy) and need to be watched like a hawk to meet any of them.

What happened?

And our kids are great. Happy, balanced, achievers.

As I said, I’ve always been happy to take in his kids. Not his adults.

@Phylllis I think you’re getting a hard time on here. Essentially Mum moved the children away & then hasn’t facilitated time with their Dad. I imagine that 18 is when Universal Credit & maintenance payments end. So she wants to keep them while she gets money for them. She realises that they won’t be going into decent employment so wants to get rid of them as soon as the UC & maintenance run out.

They're still kids though - even the oldest isn't 18 yet.

Will you kick your children out when they hit 18, or is it just your DH's who get that treatment?

The fact that your kids are great is irrelevant, btw.

This is exactly what I think has triggered the decision for their mum. DP pays maintenance and she gets benefits for them all currently. She was adamant on not reducing custody until the eldest finished school, and now she’s hanging around the house all day instead of school, the tune has changed.

But at the end of the day, that isn't the kids fault

By op's account, the mum neglected them and their dad saw them for 2 days out of 14 and some school holidays.

They have been let down by both of their parents but now their dad has the chance to do right by them so he should take it and offer them support and guidance to help them become responsible, functioning adults

I get this isn't op's fault but I do think he needs to give his kids this opportunity and she has the choice of remaining in the relationship or ending things but ultimately his kids need him now

I thought you meant immediately but planning their housing needs as adults is ridiculous! The mum doesn’t get to just downsize and offload them to make her life easier. If they come and live with you then there has to be an end date, just as I’m sure there will be with your bio child. My DS left home last year and he was just short of 22. I think that’s a perfectly fine age personally.

Exactly. Both their parents have massively let them down and now dad can't even be arsed to pick up the pieces.

I’m not kicking his kids out, because they don’t live with us. Their mum is.

But your partner is their parent - are you really happy for him to just wash his hands of his older kids? Because that says a LOT about you, if so.