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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want SC to move in?

584 replies

Phylllis · 14/12/2025 19:48

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
blackpooolrock · 18/12/2025 09:16

IAmKerplunk · 17/12/2025 14:20

So, if you were a non resident parent, would you do if you knew that your 14, 16 and 17yr old were going to be kicked out by their mum when they turned 18?

We all understand why the op feels like she does - but why don’t we put ourselves in the position of the dad? What exactly would we do in this situation if the mum sticks to her word?

Or put ourselves in the position of the 3dc - how would we feel knowing our mum wanted to kick us out as soon as we turned 18 because the cash was drying up?

What would we do? Realistically, for our dc who we are supposed to love

Show quote history

.

BuckChuckets · 18/12/2025 09:19

Phylllis · 17/12/2025 19:27

There’s no nice answer though. If I’d posted here five years ago with something like “AIBU to think DP should work less and pay less to his ex so his kids move in with us instead?” I’d have been vilified.

But I do genuinely think that would have resulted in far better outcomes for them.

Show quote history

Ultimately I think there's been a million different variables that could have made the situation worse/better/the same. You're currently stuck in a nightmare situation and you need to make the right decision for you, which for me would be leaving your husband to pick up the pieces with his kids.

IAmKerplunk · 18/12/2025 09:56

Daleksatemyshed · 18/12/2025 08:26

It's all very well the Op getting her DH to agree to conditions before the DSC move in but what will he do if/when they don't abide by them. Once their living there he isn't going to chuck them out if they don't get a job so the Op then have to live with it or leave herself. Their DM given them no work ethic, she's happy to live on other people's money so the kids have no incentive to work.

The mother and the father have given them no work ethic.
The husband will do fuck all getting the dc to stick to boundaries if they move in. It will be left to the op because she won’t want their younger siblings growing up with that example.

IAmKerplunk · 18/12/2025 09:57

BuckChuckets · 18/12/2025 09:19

Ultimately I think there's been a million different variables that could have made the situation worse/better/the same. You're currently stuck in a nightmare situation and you need to make the right decision for you, which for me would be leaving your husband to pick up the pieces with his kids.

Show quote history

Me too

InterIgnis · 18/12/2025 15:26

THisbackwithavengeance · 17/12/2025 18:13

Poor kids, they’ve been written off as unachieving losers because they didn’t do well at school.

I don’t see how you can refuse OP. You can put your foot down and risk ruining your relationship with your DP.

Or you can say enough’s enough and move out yourself and leave your DH to it.

Or you can rise to the challenge, be the better person and take an interest in your DC’s siblings and help them find their feet to adulthood.

But if they move in with you, you have every right to stipulate that being unemployed at home is not an option; they either have to be in education or in work.

She can refuse, and she’s already said she would, smartly, prefer to split.

He would be the one that would have to leave though, and OP is the only one of the pair that could afford to keep the house.

BrieAndChilli · 18/12/2025 15:38

My take on it would be that the children are a product of their environment.

I would allow the eldest to move in once they finish education - this will help prove to them that they are loved by their dad. I would not lavish them with money - they would get bed and board but no money given for going out/clothes etc. They would be encouraged to get a job - maybe with a timeframe but on it, helped to curate a CV, maybe some skills looked into. As much as it is easier to sit back and let them do what they want so they dont get in a strop your DH would actually be a better parent by making them step up and helping them to go out into the world.

Toadstoollover · 18/12/2025 16:02

I don’t think you can necessarily blame the mum for not wanting them for financial reasons once they reach 18. She may not be able to afford them. I receive a healthy maintenance from exh and is the only reason I can afford a 4 bed house and the bills. Once maintenance stops the kids will not be paying me as much as maintenance does. Over FT and just and used to get UC but a minimal pay rise has meant that I’ve lost that now. It’s really hard. I have one dc at uni so no money to support her during holidays. It’s not easy on just my salary.

IAmKerplunk · 18/12/2025 18:33

BrieAndChilli · 18/12/2025 15:38

My take on it would be that the children are a product of their environment.

I would allow the eldest to move in once they finish education - this will help prove to them that they are loved by their dad. I would not lavish them with money - they would get bed and board but no money given for going out/clothes etc. They would be encouraged to get a job - maybe with a timeframe but on it, helped to curate a CV, maybe some skills looked into. As much as it is easier to sit back and let them do what they want so they dont get in a strop your DH would actually be a better parent by making them step up and helping them to go out into the world.

100 % this

IAmKerplunk · 18/12/2025 18:40

Toadstoollover · 18/12/2025 16:02

I don’t think you can necessarily blame the mum for not wanting them for financial reasons once they reach 18. She may not be able to afford them. I receive a healthy maintenance from exh and is the only reason I can afford a 4 bed house and the bills. Once maintenance stops the kids will not be paying me as much as maintenance does. Over FT and just and used to get UC but a minimal pay rise has meant that I’ve lost that now. It’s really hard. I have one dc at uni so no money to support her during holidays. It’s not easy on just my salary.

This is often forgotten - there are often a good few years in between maintenance stopping and dc being able to pay suitable rent (whilst hopefully still saving to move out!) It always seems to be the mum who then has to suck up those costs. It’s really hard and I know people will say don’t have dc you can’t afford but sometimes life happens and throws you a curve ball and you are in a position you didn’t ever think you would be. But not for the dad eh? They get to say no. Yet as per this thread for once it is the women (op and mum) saying no and what is the dad actually doing off his own back?

The dad in this scenario paying for phones/netflix/other subscriptions monthly is ridiculous especially for the 17yr old. I can imagine it being fine for the parent to still do this if the dc are studying hard or even if they are working to a point whilst they are starting out but the dad here is not willing to implement any standards to his dc.

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