To not want SC to move in?

[Phylllis]

This is uncomfortable to write but I’ll put everything down so I don’t drip feed.

I’ve been with DP for 12 years, meeting his SC when they were 2, 4 and 5; they’re now 14, 16 and 17. We have our own kids aged 7 and 5 (their mum also has a 10yo). We’ve always had them every other weekend and half the holidays. Their mum lives 1.5hrs away.

Relations with their mum have always been polite on the surface but difficult underneath. She’s never encouraged SC to apply themselves, to do homework, to stick to any hobbies or to work hard. They’d arrive with nits for months on end and not touch a book between fortnightly visits. I’d hear rumours of her badmouthing me through mutual friends. The children consistently did very badly at school. Nonetheless DP (and the schools, the SEN leads, CAFCASS and social services) never thought it bad enough to move them to us.

I’ve always said the children would always be welcome to move into ours. They’ve never wanted to.

In the past year, they’ve all repeatedly said they’re expecting to move in with us when they’re 18. They have bedrooms here and their mum is apparently planning to downsize and has told them that it’s fair that they live with their dad at that point as she’s had them until 18. The older two are in college, but barely attend, having failed all but 1/2 GCSEs, and the younger is on track for the same. The older two are exceptionally messy. They’re fundamentally nice kids but wilfully uninformed and screen-addicted, and can be entitled and demanding (as I’m sure all teenagers can be).

The thing is, I don’t want to be responsible for housing three lazy adults with zero work ethic indefinitely. Life is expensive and busy, and I don’t think it’s fair that their mum’s unilaterally decided this without discussing it. I’ve raised it to DP and he thinks it’s not ideal but that we have no other option. I don’t want it.

AIBU?

He can move them in now and enforce rules and studying, and be a dad for what sounds like the first time in his life, or never. I’d say this is a deal breaker and I’ll be asking you to leave if you can’t pick one of these. The reality is you’re a terrible dad, too lazy to parent, and I’m not living with the adult consequences of that.

Their mother is a spiteful careless nightmare fancy not really doing the best you could for your children in all aspects then letting them come to yours with nits (probably hoping you'd get them)
No interest shown and out on their backsides because she cannot think of another way to "get" you other than by stating that she's downsizing and so now it's daddy's turn
But DONT do it; you already know you don't want to and it'll be a thankless task
So why should you take responsibility for 3 nearly adults that have nothing to do with you but will blight your life?
You know their mother badmouths you
And they're probably looking forward to bloodying your nose
They'll be grownup when 18
So
Put your foot down NOW
Somehow they will survive but not at your exspense and well-being
And your partner could do with growing a pair too about this sudden calamity, he knows its going to be bad with 3 leeches in tow but will look to you
I've reckon waters stronger
Still fancy him do you?

Each one is welcome to live with you and their dad once they have secured a full time job in the area?

Say it will be the same rules for your kids as well.

Due to my nephews behaviour I had to say this to my own kids:
At 16 you can go to school/ college/ do volunteer work in your chosen field/ work full time/ work part time and concentrate on driving lessons. Do something of your choice. But attendance at school/ work has to be good and doing nothing is not an option.

They both did things. Their choice of what they did but they did something. My nephew is doing nothing. It’s so frustrating.

If they manage to get a full time job then I think that’s fine to have them there. If they can’t/ won’t work then they will have to move out and get a room in a shared house. I agree it’s not the mums responsibility any more than it is the dads.

I wouldn’t want step kids living with me though so I do understand.

put the boundaries in quickly.

Did you also barely finish high school? Or just not learn any maths?

They clearly can’t move into your current house. So you and DP need to find another solution. What else does he suggest? Is he putting any thought or worry into this now? Other options I can think of off the top of my head - has he floated any of these or is he just taking the path of least resistance and hoping (despite all evidence) that it’ll be fine?

• you all move nearer them now, so he can be a more involved parent before thy all hit 18. If you’re near enough that they can pop round, DP can build relationships with them and possibly have a bit more influence
• you set up a flat for them to share as they hit 18. They’re liable for some of the rent, they need to be in education or employment but you’ll help them get on their feet, sub them half the rent for the flat, etc. Flat is near you not their mum so you can keep an eye on them and be near enough to support with “starting independent life” stuff (fix the dishwasher, decipher the weird landlord letter).
• you stay together but live in separate houses
• you split up (and he moves back nearer them)
• you put the early retirement plans on hold and get a bigger property, perhaps one with a “granny annexe” so they can live with you but with their own space

Absolutely no way. They should be heading off into the world and supporting themselves at 18, and they need to be planning and grafting towards that already. Make that crystal clear to everyone involved. Get ready to downsize yourselves, and repurpose their rooms as each turns 18. Best have a backup plan too, for just you and your bio kids, in case DP continues to have no spine.

I would rather divorce than live with 3 lost cases. They unfortunately are. Nothing is going to change the entire mindset of 3 adults, nothing. You will be inviting a massive problem into your life. Honestly I would rather leave than live with these people. They will undoubtedly ruin your marriage anyway

I don’t approve of what the mum is saying, but from her perspective, she has parented 3 kids by herself for over 300 days a year for 12 years whilst her ex remarries, has more kids and plays dad of the year to. I can see why DSC’s mum is frustrated.

OP - you knew DH was an awful father when you married him and had more kids. (Saying he’s a good dad to your DDs is a fallacy as he can’t possibly be a good father at all after woefully neglecting his older DC)

You also knew he had DC, so you must have known living with them was a possibility. You (and he) have benefited from having an easier life whilst being fully aware that (according to you) the DSC’s mum was being neglectful.

Honestly, the current situation is your and DH’s karma. Perhaps you will have more empathy for your DSC’s mum when your marriage inevitably ends and your DH becomes an absent father to your children.

Why over 300 days a year? Another poster with really basic counting challenges.

Can you not comprehend? I mentioned the holidays as i wasn't sure of the amt of time they had them. I was sure of the 52 days!
OP, you have wrote about this before and got the same advice. It's obvious you dont like these children. ALL the adults have failed these 3 kids, ALL should be ashamed of themselves.

@99bottlesofkombucha Bless you.

OP said her DH saw his older DC every other weekend.

There are 52 weekends a year.

He saw them half of those, which equals 26 weekends.

Each weekend has two days…

26 x 2 =52

Now, there are 365 days in most years.

365 - 52 =313

Does this help?

You can say no for all these reasons.

It seems that mother is maliciously waiting until maintenance payments would not apply in reverse.

The 14 year old turning 18 is some years away, so when does she plan to move? Is she serious or is this all just a way of causing you stress?

My suggestion was really to put serious expectations in front of the oldest, including having succeeded in gaining full time employment local to you, such that the prospect of moving for the wrong reasons is eliminated. But if you are worried that this offer will be accepted, just say no. Say your house isn’t big enough and you can’t afford to support them.

To be honest I was looking forward to repurposing their rooms when they became adults too. Our DDs share a room whilst SC each have their own, and my home office is a corner downstairs.

I missed this, it's insane. Rearrange rooms now, so you and your children all have proper space in your full-time home. SC can share on their not-very-often visits. They need a clear signal that they will no longer be cossetted and indulged as they approach adulthood; that expectations and responsibilities increase dramatically until they reach 18 and are launched into the world.

YaNBU to feel that way. You would be unreasonable and risking your relationship if you prevent it. How would you react if DH told you your children couldn't live with you at 18?

Im have step kids and alway been open about this , if they want to live with us they study or work properly . The same way as I expect from my own . Do t what yo study , find a full time job or get out ! Is her mum sending tem your way as he lived of benefits all her life and now they are not entitled they are no longer useful to her ?

Goodness to hear some of the responses on here you would think that the fact that these three almost adults are unpleasant people to live with is entirely down to parenting. Because sometimes good parents also end up with difficult teenagers so piling in on OP and her husband is unhelpful.

I would be saying they cannot move in unless there are certain ground rules and in the meantime I would be establishing your DDs in a room each as they live there full time. That might change when the older ones move in but given they live over 2 hours ago I get the feeling that might not happen regardless of what the mum wants. No doubt she is thinking the maintenance will stop so she no longer wants to house them.

I would certainly continue to keep separate finances and have a plan B in case they all move in at the same time and it is as hellish as it sounds. Make sure your DH knows that this is not something you are happy with and he has to pull his weight and work less weekends and evenings if he insists on them coming.

Actually @99bottlesofkombucha you’re right, I’m being unfair. The OP’s wonderful DH parented the kids OP claims were being neglected by their mother whopping 97.5 days a year IF we include an 50% split of the school holidays. (although I wonder how much of that OP was parenting for…)

So to correct my earlier post, I can understand why the DSC mum may be frustrated at solo parenting 3 kids for 267.5 days in comparison with OP’s DH’s 97.5 days…

That better?

Every time there’s a problematic 17-year-old on MN, we are reminded that they could join the army get married and fuck off

Wtf you've been supporting their mum which stops at 18yo and she the wants to give them to you... Err no.

Keep the same arrangements and in no uncertain terms your DH needs to tell his ex she needs to provide a place for the DC beyond 18yo cos you are not.

Such a shame so many of their generational under performing, but I do think goverrnts plans for young people and getting them not just in work but in life long learning and careers will be great - seriously hoping they work cos the Tories tried something which was rubbish and abused.

In your shoes l would:

-re-configure the bedrooms so the children who live there full time have their own room and you have a work space
-whenever them moving in is mentioned, then make crystal clear they will be working full time or studying or will move out
-also make clear all adults pay their way so will pay towards bills and rent / mortgage. If they don’t then they move out
-when they start talking about “parking their car”, ask how THEY are going to pay for the insurance and the car
-make it CRYSTAL clear to your husband you are not the hired help or house elf. All adults will be pulling their weight or they can move out
-there won’t be waking the house up at all hours or yeah they will be moving out!

For clarity these are my expectations of my own children and would be of my step children if l had any

All outcomes lead to your own children being fucked by the adults around them.

If the SC move in you won't get rid, the house will descend into chaos and your DH will stop parenting the younger ones.

If you split up you'll have to change your job. But at least they won't live in the chaos.

So you and your kids are screwed, either way - make it on your terms and so they have the opportunity to achieve at school themselves.

Your partner has shown how shit he is with teenagers. He's not parented them. When they move in he won't be able to parent them. Be wary of what this means for your kids. You know the drill.

It will become a situation where in all likelihood the SC do fuck all and chances are he'll eventually have to kick them out because of the problems. Do you want to live with that?

Do what you need to do on your own terms now. If you don't want them, you say no. And it's his choice about what he does. He's free to move out and in with them and maintain the relationship but you are not having them live with your kids due to the impact on them.

Otherwise you are going to get completely steam rollered and they will all take it as you have not boundaries.

I can see why you don't want this. Your DP isn't going to get involved in being any part of improving things, it'll all be down to you, and as step parent with mother working against you and father not committed to active enforcement of the rules, it's got frustration and failure for you written all over it.

When parents effectively abdicate their responsibilities (as your DH has done for years), they can't really complain about how the other parent has raised the children. It does sound as though their mother has been fairly useless. But to be fair, so has your DH. I feel for these kids, who haven't had a decent parent to guide them.

If they need a place to live, it's reasonable for them to live with their dad. Of course, it's entirely appropriate to put house rules in place, but no parent should turn away a child except in extreme circumstances (violence, etc.). Lazy teenagers don't meet that threshold IMO.

I agree with some PP that I would move the rooms now so your DSDs are sharing and your DDs are not. Presumably you'll have to paint the room for one of your DDs if not both.

I'd also be saying now (to them and your DP) that they won't be moving in at 18 unless at 18 they are currently in and passing education or in a job and attending every day. You probably need to give them a chance to succeed living with you, but they need to prove they can do that before they move in. If they can't do it before they move in then they won't do it without you destroying yourself nagging them when they are there.

Why on Earth did you get together with your now-partner if that's how you felt though?

You knew he had very young (at least at the time you got together) kids. That wasn't going to magically change, and there was a very fair chance even back then that they would be living at home - whether that's with your partner or their mum - for a number of years as adults.

It's a bit grim the way you speak about the whole set-up, they're clearly an inconvenience in your eyes - and one that should be handled by their mum.