AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

until OH decided to change his and wanted everyone else to follow. DS gets no say. OH motto is if you're hungry enough you'll eat it.

Your OH is a controlling prick and you're helping him by the sound of it...

Your anger is entirely misplaced. It should be towards your ridiculous husband

The whole lot of you are going to give that poor kid an eating disorder over a bit of chocolate.

The drama, the guilt, the lies, the massive overreaction, his grandparents being banned.

It's like an episode of Eastenders but one that could have serious consequences for your son.

Chill out and try to undo the damage before it's too late (if it isn't already).

It’s not fair to expect your mum and other family to go along with the abusive requirements of your partner to try and make your life easier. Your options are to leave the abusive partner or if you can’t/ won’t then you have to accept that eventually people will leave your life because they cannot ever meet the expectations of the abusive partner you are so desperately trying to meet and will never meet yourself. He is just a man, a very inadequate one as well if he’s trying to control the diet of an 8 year old to make him feel like he’s special and important. If you want to live like that it is your choice I suppose but is abusive of you to make your dc live in this environment as they have no choice. Hopefully you can see this and get the support you need to get this man out of your lives.

Well I haven’t read the other threads … I don’t have that facility
can you link?
do you advance search every thread?
I was answering this question.
And as someone who is sensitive to chocolate I can become a monster and not ti mention all the hyperactive kids you see from E-numbers and food colouring.
Plus it bad for your teeth

YANBU. It's a perfectly valid choice to want to cut out sugary UPF snacks. There's a tonne of research on the negative health effects (obesity, diabetes, mood swings, sleep disturbances, worsening ADHD symptoms etc etc).

If the grandparents desperately want to feed him sugar they could make something from scratch at home. And even if they fundamentally disagree with your parenting choices they should tell you so straight out instead of going behind your back.

OP you don’t need to worry too much about your son developing diabetes in the future, because chances are once he’s an adult you’ll never see him again. You and your nasty husband are the kind of parents who drive their kids away. Kids who will, obviously, have significant eating disorders created by you both.

So you know your husband is controlling and abusive. Are you happy to raise your children in this environment?

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year

Why last year? Was your partner diagnosed with diabetes and decided to punish the whole family? Or was your son overweight and your partner has blustered in trying to make him thinner?

At least you haven't married this prize.

Jesus Christ. Poor kid. Echoing what others are saying, your OH is abusive and a control freak. Well done to your parents for not pandering to him.

You are in an abusive relationship and you are now at risk of alienating people who are your support.

It’s clear that the more you prevent people from having something they enjoy, the more they go out of their way to obtain it covertly. Thats why people dieting, who deny themselves foods they enjoy in moderation, don’t stick with the diet.

You are now in a position where you are under the control of a man who is going to dictate every aspect of your and your children’s lives and you won’t have anyone to turn to.

For anyone wanting to read, here's the links to said threads.

AIBU - Was I being disrespectful?

AIBU - About baby activity table?

@Whiteoleander2 Yes, it's not great the amount of chocolate being given, but equally the way your partner is acting towards you and your children and forcing you all into this "clean" living is really not great. Don't even get me started on the vaccination BS he's no doubt spouting. If he so much as mentions "pure blood" divorce him immediately. Mine aren't old enough yet, but from my own experience being overly strict on one thing invariably produces unintended (and usually worse) results. The harder you push, the harder they spring back the opposite way.

So you obviously dont know (or care as you are too scared/in awe of your dh) that restricting food like this is a sure fire way to develop an eating disorder.

Moderation.

You don't need to advance search every poster but this OP had tones of controlling parenting and the follow up posts made it even more clear which prompted me to advance search and I was right.

Having seen your later posts @Whiteoleander2 it’s clear there’s more at stake here than chocolate.

Unlike others I'm not going to agree your mum is some kind of freedom fighter giving your son chocolate. You appear to have a very controlling DH and by undermining your treats rule and repeatedly telling your child to lie to both of you, your mum is handing him ammo to cut her off. She’s either doing it as a fuck you to your DH or she’s not very bright. Within the wider picture she is still teaching your child to lie to get what he wants.

If she saw your Dad being controlling and cutting people off it’s even more baffling that she doesn’t know how to play the game to ensure you have a safe space to escape to when you are ready.

You clearly are struggling with being controlled and isolated OP. You need to make some hard decisions for you and your children.

This, and of course op and her dh get to have the ‘us against the world’ buzz 🙄 shame that she and him are starting to put the 9yo in with their ‘enemies’ over the ghastly chocolate! @Whiteoleander2 do you and oh significantly favour the baby over 9yo as baby can’t answer back?

Do you actually believe the grandparents are giving several chocolate bars every time they see DS? Or the odd chocolate snack that OP is inflating to try to steer posters into agreeing with her/her P?

Did he let you vaccinate your baby in the end?

YABU

Your husband sounds like an abusive arsehole. Why does he get to make unilateral decisions?? And you have to stick to it as well?

You can’t think this is in anyway acceptable

You need to leave this man. Go to your mum's house and stay there with the kids. Get support from women's aid. Please don't let your husband damage your kids anymore

Your OH felt it was acceptable to control a pregnant woman’s body and you think your mum is the problem? Oh dear.

It's not a drama about chocolate but about getting a small child to lie and disrespecting parents' choices for their child.

Nah, she won't ever leave him, her poor kids living in hellhole like that...

All this over chocolate .....
Honestly you need to really look at your relationship as I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg.

I know its bad form to mention previous OP threads but they are relevant to this situation (The baby activity table one really highlighted your dangerous situation)

OP Your husband is a nasty, abusive, bullying prick, he talks to you like utter shit, you and your children desperately need to get away from him asap.

Isolating you from family and friends is part of the abusive pattern. Please contact Womens Aid for further support. Demanding you all follow a restrictive diet under the guise of health is just another form of him controlling you all.