AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

OP you can’t cite one example of your partners behaviour on its own and try and see assurance that he’s ok. He’s not ok, and his behaviour to you and the children needs to be seen in context as a whole. He is hugely abusive to you, to your older boy, and is now trying to isolate you from your only support network.

Please try and get the strength to leave. For your kids sake. They, and you, deserve so much better.

Do not allow your partner to alienate you anymore from your family , he is a controlling , manipulative man and you and your children would be far better off away from him .

Just read your other thread. Chocolate isn’t the issue.

You’re in an abusive relationship. He’s controlling you, and actively trying to alienate you from family. You grew up in a controlling and abusive household, and you’ve fallen into the same pattern as an adult.

You were asking about Women’s Aid, and how you could get him to move out. Now you’re willing to accept him cancelling Christmas and not allowing your family near?

What a shit show. Your children are learning how to treat their partners, your 9 year old is already modelling his dad’s behaviour. GET OUT

Your later posts tend to indicate your partner is a controlling bastard. Please don’t isolate yourself from your family
over something daft like a bit of chocolate. I expect this is what your controlling arse of a partner wants. You may need your family
in future once you finally wake up to this prick and his ways.

Yes it was OH's choice. I was pregnant at the time so I was expected to follow it for the baby/pregnancy and DS is expected to follow it too.

You have a dh problem not a Mum problem.

Your OH is a controlling cunt. What else aren’t you allowed to do?

Same! @Whiteoleander2 is Mr. Controlling Clean Eating 9yos dad?
Hugely concerned he’ll transfers this behaviour he has to your parents to your son when new baby is born…

Edit to add- missed Ops last post, almost more concerning then. How on earth can you let your child live like this just to have a “relationship”. I’m

A treat would be chocolate moose (made with whipped cream/cocoa and sweetened with vanilla extract) or we occasionally get sourdough treats like buns, cookies, brownies from a local lady. He does get to have treats just not all the time. My mum knows he can have all of those things as treats but for some reason still wants to give him chocolate as well on top.
She picks him up twice a week from school, takes him to an activity on a Thursday evening and sees him Saturday/Sunday aswell so that's like 4 opportunities a week where she's giving him chocolates on top of anything I have treated him too during the week. I think OH is being extreme but I am really upset with my mum for putting me in this position.

to use the MN phrase - you have an OH problem. He is abusive.

Why are you going along with this nonsense?

What a surprise it was your partner’s decision to ban the ‘dirty’ chocolate because he’s a controlling arse who is vile to you and is abusing you and your children!
I said earlier, it’s not ok that your mum, grandad and son lied but they can obviously see your partner for who and what he is.
You need to be more worried about your children being abused and witnessing the abuse towards you than a bit of bloody chocolate.
I’d hazard a guess that your mental health would greatly improve if you left the prick.

And is abusive. Wake up. Your DS is learning how to treat women from his father’s choices. You need to stand up for yourself and your DC

This sounds really complex. On one hand, sounds like your DS is alone with their GP several times a week - I guess they're childminding? If that's the case, then accepting presents and childcare from them whilst "banning" them for Christmas is awful behaviour. If they're not welcome at Christmas, then you shouldn't be accepting gifts from them. If you don't want them giving certain foods, then they shouldn't be being used as childcare.

But your DH shouldn't be telling you that you can't see your family. That's really not on. I can understand him saying his DC can't be alone with them- ie you have to be there too. I can also get him being really annoyed and expecting an apology and commitment not to undermine your parenting decisions. But your relationship with them isn't any of his business.

Easy to control a 9 year olds eating habits, wait until he's a teenager and you have none (almost)

It’s your partner that is putting you in this position.

Dont leave your kid with mum or grandad unsupervised as you cant trust them to follow your rules. But they may just struggle to say no so I would still have a relationship with them. And if you arent going to see them at all you dont swap gifts.

Your OH sounds like a controlling prick.

Once he goes to secondary school he’s going to be the child in the queue for all the rubbish at the local shop and he’s going to be necking a kebab once he’s old enough.

And both dc have a parental problem! Really really poor parenting and likely safeguarding to do this to your children.

You are unreasonable here because you seem to be staying in a very abusive and controlling relationship which affecting your son.

It sounds to me like your partner has decreed no chocolate and you are so submissive that you are bending over backwards to go along with it. Along with your other threads, I'd say that this all points to you needing to get out of the relationship, taking your son with you.

So, I'm with your parents here. You need to wake up.

As for "clean" food, what the fuck does that shit even mean? Just let your son and your baby benefit from a balanced diet. No foods need to be banned. All in moderation. If you ban foods then what do you think will be the first thing that your child does when out with friends without you there, quite probably as a teenager? They will probably go and buy chocolate. I would have.

Nobody would be dictating to me what I could eat either. They would be told to bugger off and I would pay their commands zero attention.

Try not to be so rigid about normal child things and your dc won’t feel the need to lie. Please listen when people are telling you you are going to cause real food issues in him. If it wasn’t granny then he’d find another way to get it. Growing up round lots of hippy style parenting I’ve seen it again and again where the restricted kids would sneak and binge

So he'll grow up likely abusing women, but that's ok, as long as he doesn't eat chocolate. 🙄

You are being controlled by him, he’s turning you against your family. These types of men do it very slowly. He’s dictating that you can’t see your mum for a year? Why a year? I bet he plays the victim too! Listen to what people are telling you on here before you’re totally alienated from a family who love you.

@Whiteoleander2 so you are isolating yourself and your son from family. Also no doubt causing issues around food for your son in the future.
Allowing oh to control your relationships and your eating ffs really?

Please start to stand up for your son and yourself and tell oh can eat what he likes however he won’t be policing you and son.

You really do need to recognise that you’re in an abusive relationship here and stop distracting yourself from that by blaming your family for not following the rules. Your family are not the problem here.

You’re blaming your Mum for putting you in this position but it’s not her, it’s your OH.

You are being controlled and you are supporting the same for your son. I think you know exactly where the problem lies, but it’s easier to blame your Mum than deal with it.