AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

I have read it. Abuse? Give over.

You don’t consider a partner calling you a cunt and a retard and forcing you and your children to adopt eating habits you wouldn’t choose, while trying to cut you off from your family, abuse? Blimey.

Slight over reaction

It's extreme abuse, both of the OP and of her two sons.
I'm amazed you cannot see it.
Have you done an AS and read the OP's other threads?
The one about the baby activity table is really horrifying.

Not at all.
Have a read of THIS THREAD

She posted on here to ask if she was right to ban her mum from Christmas. The tone of her posts changed when people started pointing out that feeding a child that diet was completely unhealthy. If you look at the language she used in the first post she said we changed our diet last year and the son isn't allowed certain things without permission from us - she said she was upset and disappointed that the family had been giving the child chocolate

The reality is is that she's been forced to eat this horrible diet and it's been imposed on her son too. She hasn't tried to leave at any point. I hope she does - but some of the stuff she's posted on other threads have been really concerning - he's clearly got anger issues and he's taking it out on her and there's a ten month old baby in the mix. He was pressuring her not to get her child vaccinated

The OP was told fifteen months ago on here after posting details of his abuse - to call women's aid at that point.

She is being abused. She's got a partner texting her calling her a cunt and a retard. He's imposed a diet on the family and he's cutting her off from her family.

I haven't said the worst thing my mum thing went through - but I'll say it now

My stepfather wrongly thought my mum had been left money when her dad died.

That's why he made a play for her. When my mum was asleep one day he walked out of our house having turned all the gas taps on the cooker on

Hoping the house would blow up

If not for my gran coming to ours and smelling the gas my mum and brother probably wouldn't be here

Don't minimise people's suffering. This man has been abusing her over text. He's controlling and limiting the time she's spending with family

My stepfather first smacked my mum when they were on their honeymoon - he physically and mentally abused her - and mental abuse can be as bad as physical.

According to my stepfather my mum was unhinged. Nutty - a lunatic. She was none of those things - he was a sociopath. And it was the happiest day of my life when my uncle threw him out

I was 12. That kid deserves a happy life and he won't get it as long as she's with him

Yes it’s annoying when a victim is told to leave their abusive partner and they don’t do it.

You don't need to school me on someone not leaving their abusive partner. My mum almost died at the hands of my stepfather more than once back in the days when women had no protection and battering your wife off every wall in the house was just seen as a domestic. My brother too. Because he tried to blow our house up as I said in a previous thread

Im concerned because I know what mental cruelty can lead to - I hope that clarifies my position. And I hope you do not ever respond to me on here again - because you don't know the half.

No wonder people don't post on here - it's not acceptable to get annoyed if someone won't leave because you've lived through domestic abuse yourself

Let's see what people think when he starts smacking her up and down the place. Because that's next given the amount of aggression he's showing to her and has been for a long time now

Sorry. I misunderstood your meaning. I thought you were one of the ones saying OP was choosing her partner over her children and she should just leave. As if it’s that simple. My mistake.

She should leave - but it's not that easy. I completely understand this. But from my point of view - there's more support for women now than when my mum was being abused. There was no protection then. Smacking your wife was just a domestic

My mum set up an advice centre in our home town. Her and a friend helped a 20 year old girl with a baby who was helped to a safe place - social services then persuaded her to go back to her ex - and she was stabbed to death

My mum took women in who were being abused. One woman was thrown out of her house because her husband found her contraceptives

It's awful - nothing has changed. But all I can say to the OP if you are reading this - your kids will thrive away from your partner

It was the happiest day of my life the day my stepfather left

My mum is the strongest person I know and she was reduced to a shell by him. Mental abuse. Physical abuse. No money because he stole it all and gambled it

My gran came to my mums one day and found him going through her handbag - he was a piece of scum

This thread has devastated me because there's a baby involved in this like my baby brother was. My stepfather wasn't his dad thankfully so when he left that was it

I also blame myself. I wish I had told my gran and uncle what was going on. That's my biggest regret

I eventually caught up and confirmed that it was sweets (chocolate).

Even without sifting through the responses, that much was already pretty obvious. It’s a ridiculous way to live, and equally ridiculous for the OP to agree to this, along with the other issues mentioned in the post.

The OP is being abused by her partner and has been for a long time

This is not about sweets and chocolate. OP is in a highly abusive relationship and he is also abusing their son through restricting food among other things.

I’m not sure we disagree, do we? I agree she should leave. I agree it’s not easy. I was defending OP against those posters where getting exasperated with her and I was saying their criticism is unhelpful as she is the victim here. In your original reply to me, you said things like “she hasn’t tried to leave at any point” and “she was told to leave 15 months ago”. So I thought you were having a go at her. I don’t really understand your point because you then gave an account of personal experience about there being no support when your mother needed to leave your abusive stepfather. So you do agree it’s hard to leave. Why the comments about her being given this advice 15 months ago and not doing anything about it? We know that. It’s not that easy. We’re in agreement aren’t we?

@Whiteoleander2 if you’re still reading this, I hope you have spoken to women’s aid. And even if you didn’t, it’s not too late. You can call them today. You can say the words “I think I need help”. You can reach out to your mum. You can still be upset that she went behind your back about the chocolate. Feelings are complicated. But understand she probably did it because she felt sorry for DS as she can see what your OH is doing. Perhaps she went about it in the wrong way. Your OH has certainly used it to his advantage! Don’t let him drive a wedge between you. A proper partner wouldn’t text you calling you a cunt and a retard, wouldn’t berate you for doing a nice thing like buying a play table for your baby, wouldn’t blame you for a little accident, control what you eat, enforce a limiting and strict diet on a little boy, alienate you from your mum. These are not the behaviours of a kind man. He sounds terrifying. I hope very much that this thread has made you think about your future without this man in your life. You absolutely can walk away and you can eat what you want and next year you can buy a bloody Xmas tree. Sending love and strength x

She's under coercive control. That's abuse. It doesn't always look like abuse, and the abuser can seem charming to others, but that's what it is. OP's OH punishes her for feeding her DC something different when he won't eat the food in front of him - food which is not a balanced diet and which is provided on the basis of OH's personal prejudices and decisions.

Update for anyone still reading. I have taken a step back and put some space between OH and myself due to the abuse. To explain to some people who have asked the chocolate is to do with the types of sugars in it and apo (e) which is to do with genetics. Our son unfortunately has the type that can't process those particular sugars which won't immediately be harmful but puts him at risk of dying younger and developing health issues further down the line which is why we had provided grandparents with alternative options, they are just unwilling to respect our wishes because they don't believe in it/agree. To also add my mum wasn't doing any free childcare, her picking our son up and spending time with him was her wanting to do that and although I sometimes feel like it's too much per week seeing him that much for hours on end I would have felt bad saying no as she lives alone and doesn't have any other children/grandchildren. Thankyou again truly to the helpful advice that was balanced and clear. I often doubted myself and when no one else such as teachers/health visitor showed no concern over it I thought it must just be me.

How have you taken a step back and put space between you and your OH? Have you left him?

Did you speak to Women’s Aid as advised (and as you said you would) and take steps to end your marraige and protect your children?

How are you addressing other, unnecessary and harmful, food restrictions your OH is imposing and abuse and control you and your children are subjected to?

I also spent a bit of time and googled what is APO (e) is and it basically says this:

The APOE gene has several variants (alleles), the most common being e2, e3, and e4. These variants are associated with different health risks, particularly for cardiovascular disease and Alzheimer's disease.

• APOE e2 and e3 variants: Individuals with these variants may experience benefits from the antioxidants (flavanols) found in dark chocolate, which can help reduce oxidative stress and inflammation, complementing the gene's protective effects.
• APOE e4 variant: Carriers of the e4 variant might be at a higher risk of heart-related issues. While cocoa flavanols can be beneficial, moderation is crucial. Some research suggests that the benefits of flavonoids might be less evident in non-APOE4 carriers than in APOE4 carriers.

So you are talking complete bollocks. Especially with regards to this: "Apo (e)" likely refers to apolipoprotein E (APOE), a gene that influences how the body processes fats" - this has nothing to do with sugars.

It seems that eating fat rich diet is quite harmful when you have this gene and will result in faster cognitive decline, and your DC needs to consume a diet rich in grains and vegetables. So not only you and your OH restricting your child's diet unnecessary - you actually actively harming him. WHF is wrong with you.

Thank you @localnotail for checking the science for us.

I was going to ask @Whiteoleander2 , have you been advised by a doctor or nutritionist to restrict chocolate in your son's diet? I'm guessing not - as I can't imagine your mum / grandparents would "not believe in it" if you had.

I suspect the husband has told her this

Yes, he has moved out. He's even suggested seeing a dietician for our son and family counselling/mediation to see their suggestions for moving forward with diet/family relationships.