AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Yes it would totally depend on why you are not allowing your DS to eat certain foods. If an allergy or intolerance then its understandable but if possibly for other reasons not so.

Maybe your DS likes those foods that you've banned him from having?

My friend who is vegan brought her 2 up vegetarian but would let them try meat when out or at others as she didn't feel she had the right to dictate her choices of food onto her kids.

Why havent you said what these "lifestyle choices" are to do with food?

I think it’s this too. Poor kid.

My other thought was that they’ve converted to Islam but seeing as they’re celebrating Christmas then presumably not!

Yes, it matters.

Adults can't control what their children eat (allergies aside).

Your parents don't respect your choice.
Your son doesn't either.
That's the bare bones and you're going to have to think what you'll do about it.
If you throw your parents out because they disagree - what will you do with your son when he's older.
For you this is a whole scale rejection and two fingers to your lifestyle. They probably just focus on the food and think you're silly. But they've lied.
It's a really tricky one.
I think it's too hard for Mumsnet. I think you need a family counsellor for all of you to thrash this out - because it's more than food, it's control and respect on both sides actually.
He's 9 - it's one of the last xmases as a child. Let them in on condition they schedule the counselling with you and your DH won't sour the atmosphere on the day.
Be the bigger people

I think it's UPFs, going by the description of behavioural changes in DC.

Itll be UPF’s. She’ll have read ‘Ultra-Processed People’ and decided to cut-out UPF’s.
The problem comes that she’s trying to get people of a different, older generation, who haven’t read the book, to get on-side with this large-scale change to what they should feed their grandchild / great-grandchild. And it just won’t make sense to them. And so she’s throwing the baby out with the bath water and severing important family ties so that the child may have entirely home-made food but has no wider social nurturing network.

Total own-goal.

The OP wasn’t aware of any and believed their parents that they weren’t feeding their DS.

Is this an ethics thing, like no palm oil, a lifestyle thing, like vegetarianism or veganism, or is this a medical thing like Coeliac Disease or a specific allergy?

Unless you give us some sort of a clue, this simply looks like some extreme eating disorder, inflicted on your child, which the family are disregarding

Probably not, but then they say DC has been better since the grand parents have been banned. She kept asking them and the DC , so she must have had suspicions.

Everyone would know the instant the child came into contact with gluten if it was coeliac. It’s clearly not food that the child is allergic to or even has an intolerance.

I don’t think anyone should tell a 9 year old to keep a secret from their parents

So you are punishing family members by not allowing them to see your child on Christmas Day, and now for 1 year potentially, because they gave them a banned food item that does not fit with your new lifestyle choice?

That is extreme and will damage your child more than the food item.

The adults in this situation need to get a grip.

I suspect you have become vegan and your family is resisting. Try not to be sanctimonious but be firm and explain clearly why you have become vegan. Has your son agreed willingly to this? At 9 he may have a view. Your parents need to understand and respect your wishes. They should not make your son lie.

You are all spoiling your child’s Christmas and losing sight of what’s important. I suggest you all learn to to reflect and communicate before you split the family apart. And it would be easier for you to get advice here if you stopped speaking in riddles.

ETA the upf thing makes more sense. Same argument applies. Get a grip and speak to each other properly.

But now they have found out that during that better time the grandparents spent four months of it giving him the banned food. I’d also guarantee that a nine year old had found it during play dates, school meals, parties etc as well.

If it was a life threatening issue with certain foods, I feel you would have said so explicitly, OP. If it's just foods you don't approve of, I'd say you should loosen up a bit and cut your relatives some slack.

The family are not an issue tbh. Dh is.
I don't normally AS but I wondered if this might be goady "no pork" thing...
I am assuming DH has driven chnage and seems to be driving the punishments too

The worst thing is not even just that your DM and grandad lied to you and disrespected your wishes, but that they encouraged your DS to lie to you. That's pretty dodgy stuff in my opinion.

Even if I didn't agree with your dietary restrictions I don't think it's right to cross that line of encouraging the child to lie to his parents.

I know some people will say it's a leap and I'm not saying it's the case here, but seeing if a child will lie about a small thing / keep a secret is how some sexual abusers will test the waters with a child they are targeting I.e. will the child keep quiet, plus ability to blackmail about revealing the previous lies.

I'd make sure all contact is supervised going forward. I'm not saying they were abusing your child, but because they've broken your trust, twice.

It sounds like there are other issues too (you said child does better generally when not seeing them)?

I think the fact they encouraged your child to lie and keep secrets from you is more important. It teaches him it's ok to lie to mum and dad and that's a big no in my book

i agree with this.

TBH it sounds like your DH is using it as an excuse to cut your family out of your lives! He sounds controlling.

Editing to add the offending food is chocolate both times. It's not like he can't have chocolate, just not the "usual" chocolate plus they give him excess amounts. I've found clean alternatives which are simple ingredients that I've told them he can have but they insist on giving him the type we are wanting to avoid due to health reasons. He has a high chance of developing diabetes in future with his genetics which we've explained. My grandad genuinely believes all food is the same and there's no such thing as cleaner alternatives. He's started gaining a lot of weight again due to the sugar spikes and highs it is giving him and then at home he's constantly hungry no matter how much meat/eggs/dairy I feed him because he's seeking the sugar high and his performance at school has been lower. There's plenty of sweet alternatives he can have. so I'm not sure why they keep insisting on giving him chocolate that we've said no too. I genuinely can't understand the logic behind it that they'd risk not seeing him again as they were told last time what would happen, still I can't help but feel bad/sad.

Op your son is 9 and he’s been eating these foods. I do understand that you’ve mentioned behavior improving etc. but I wonder if the limits you’ve established are reasonable? We’re a low sugar at home household for example, but at kids party’s etc. I can make suggestions but don’t control intake. At 9 does your son go to friends homes? Are you expecting those households to follow your rules or be cut off too?

in terms of your parents - it’s so hard to tell if it’s an occasional item that overall won’t harm OR something they know your child is allergic too. I’ve a son with an epi pen, if my family deliberately gave him food on his (very very small) allergy list AND told him to keep it a secret (so I would have no idea of the risk), I’d be fuming. We’ve had accidental scares - no one’s at fault. If it’s a non allergic but preference food - why are you being so controlling?

I think we need more detail to understand. I do get that your hurt…but often our own family’s won’t parent the way we will. Unlike most on Mumsnet, I don’t expect mine too. They can love and adore my kids, but when they are in my home (my rules and boundaries), in theirs as long as my kids are safe and loved they have their own style. We can’t control environments outside our own - and I wonder how much you will lose by insisting on it.

A friend of ours has LOTS of rules around food as is now finding her child hordes, lies and hides food (eg filling pockets after play dates). It’s caused big issues for the child with friendships and relationships at home too.

Poor kid ! You’ve cancelled Christmas lunch, his trip away with his grandparents, and probably seeing them for quite some time. All because he’s been eating something you don’t want him to, for whatever the reason
The problem with banning foods ( although it does depend on the reason. We still don’t know ?) is that it can then become a fixation to eat it . I’ve seen it happen.

I’d be annoyed that they’re not respecting your wishes but I think yours and especially your partner’s reaction is OTT.
You said yourself that your child’s behaviour has improved - presumably while he’s been eating the forbidden food, so it’s clearly not impacting him as much as you claim.
Also, if your child has been eating the forbidden food then he’s clearly wanting it!
Have you cut out sugar or something similar? He’s 9. You’re going to have trouble policing what he eats once he goes to secondary school!