AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Probably not for my OH as I know he doesn't like my family being around anyway but for me it is. It's about my mum betraying my trust despite me telling her last year when I was pregnant how much I struggled, it's about her saying she's always there to support me but then making it more difficult for me and giving OH reasons to dictate. Before this he had nothing else he could have said to stop Christmas with them going ahead. She's also tried to use my son against me when I called her out for lying which feels like she's also trying to abuse me which is tough when I'm already stuck in a cycle with OH.

I think you have a right to be annoyed. They should follow your wishes but your reaction is too extreme! Grandparents love to give their grandchildren treats. My mum and mil did it when my two were young (toddlers) even though we've asked them not too, now they are older I don't mind so much but it was more of an issue feeding a baby ice cream when they had no idea what sugar was! 🙈 I give my kids treats now and again like most parents do (I should know as I'm a primary school teachers and I see what is in the kids lunch boxes). They just wanted to treat your child (rightly or wrongly) and make him happy. They are from a different generation. If it's happening in secret it sounds like they have your son a lot unsupervised so I presume you are getting child free time or unpaid child care (which is amazing). To not let your son spend time with them is cruel and unnecessary. If you are so concerned then limit their one to one time together and send time together with you there too. You should definitely not cancel them at Christmas.

Your OH sounds very controlling and all it will do it make your son rebel once he has more independence in secondary school. He will probably end up eating much More junk food then his friends who have been allowed it in reasonable quantities. Not great your mum undermining you but she can probably see how awfully controlling your OH is and wants to give your son a break

So if there is no allergy and OP’s OH is from a different religion which has different beliefs around food, is it okay for grandparents to give food restricted by parents. Why do you think grandparents should bypass parents’ decisions? Can we all do it with other people’s kids raised with beliefs not making sense to us?

When ‘healthy eaters’ are antivaxxers, it always makes me question their intelligence..

Absolutely 100%

Throw "DH" to the kerb, OP

Surely the solution is to stop her doing childcare for you then rather than banning them for Xmas.....

Do you mean a finger of fudge, or a family sized pack of Mars bars when you say they give him “some chocolate”. Most people would be upset about the latter but not that bothered about the former.

Sounds like your mum realises what a controlling ass your OH is and doesn’t want your son to grow up with that level of restriction. From what you said, it’s not you who is choosing either.

You don’t have a son/mum problem - you have an OH problem. And he’s using chocolate to isolate you from your support system, effectively making you choose him over your family. He’s abusing you, OP. Wake up.

OP it sounds as if your family are desperately trying to give your son a bit of normality, to counteract the insane cult-like upbringing he’s having with his abusive father. They’re not deliberately going against your wishes. They love their grandson, and they want him to have a happy childhood, which he won’t be having at home.

Ohhh is this the same poster? Yes you have a dh issue!

It's not good that your mum is going behind your back and encouraging your son to lie and if this was because of say a food intolerance of some sort, this would be unforgivable. HOWEVER your partner sounds like an overbearing controlling POS! How dare he decide what you were allowed to eat when pregnant.

Your DS ate these forbidden foods until he was 8 and everyone around him outside of your home is still eating them, so this can't be easy for him.

The reaction of banning your family from Christmas is well over the top, but you already know this. I think you need to take back some control over your own life. You too have a say in all of this! If your partner resists this, seriously consider the future of this relationship.

When you say he is genetically more likely to get diabetes, do you mean type 1 or 2, and how do you know this? How do you think stopping him having chocolate in particular would prevent it happening?

You're upset and angry with your mum for making it harder for you to manage your abusive husband, not because she gave your DS chocolate. You yourself don't have a problem with DS having chocolate, but you're trying hard to manage an impossible situation and your mum isn't helping. Well why should she? Why should she enable you to be abused by your husband and by extension your kids? Open your eyes, ask your parents for help and get out of this mess.

Your mum won’t fall in line with your OH’s need for control, so she’s the villain for provoking him into making your life hell? Christ, wake up OP.

This really isn't what the thread is about though. This isn't that situation.

How much chocolate has he been eating for him to have sugar spikes and gain weight? I doubt it would be caused by an occasional treat - unless he has health issues. Chocolate intake can be controlled, cutting it out completely is nuts. Your kid soon will be old enough to find other ways to get chocolate - and having "prohibited" food is a sure way to create an unhealthy attitude and eating disorders.

But I think there is another issues at play here. Your OH found a good reason to cut your parents out of your life, and you seem to go along with it.

She's talking bobbins of course. This is just an excuse.

THIS
Please OP , please listen to PPs who are all telling/warning You
The bloke is a control freak .

So you're controlled by your husband and he's now ensuring that you won't have any support from your parents when the baby is born?

ETA I see the baby is 10 months now. Your husband is still a coercive bully.

OP you have chosen to stay in this abusive relationship, and to allow your partner to dictate what you eat and do. I expect your family have accepted that you don’t want to be saved, and have given up trying to help you. But they know it’s not too late to save their grandson, and that’s what they’re trying to do.

MN is full of adult children who are NC with their parents because of this kind of upbringing. Is that really what you want?

You will absolutely lose your family if you carry on like this and your children will probably move out ASAP. Is that the life you want for the next 40 years? No friends, family, meals out etc.

Maybe your mum is absolutely fed up with having to dance to your husband’s tune and can see the damage it’s doing to your son. Maybe she fed up of keeping quiet about his controlling behaviour and having to watch you do nothing about it. Take some ownership here OP. You mum doesn’t have to agree with your life choices as she is free to make her own.

Please don’t cut your son off from his grandparents. He needs safe adults in his life if you won’t / can’t leave your controlling DH.

You and especially your DH sound like a nightmare to deal with @Whiteoleander2