AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

@Whiteoleander2 thanks to @TidyCyan for everything needed to say.

@Whiteoleander2 I can totally see how leaving feels massive to you right now. I've been in your situation. If you can't leave right now, at least start collecting evidence for court. Text messages, etc. Ignore people saying it's your fault, it's not. Until people have been a victim of coercive control they'll never understand.

I was a strong confident woman, who because someone who was too scared to challenge a controlling man. It happened so slowly and subtly I didn't realise until I questioned my own sanity.

The good news is, you WILL get out eventually. After 10 years my children and I are finally free! No contact allowed. So start getting all your ducks in a row. Start compiling evidence. Keep a diary of food restrictions for your children and things he says. Screenshot all texts that show abuse and safe them in a Google drive or similar.

Document everything so your know you're not crazy or supportive g this madness.

Then as soon as you can LEAVE. Go to your mums with the kids. Block him on all platforms other than email or a parenting app that can't be deleted. So he can't deny anything he's said. Log the abuse with the police where needed.

Let him take you to court. Make sure you get legal aid by earning less that £35k i think it is and proving the domestic abuse. Get a dash report to support your case and demand special measures so you don't have to see him in court.

Good luck ❤️

Yes, because she is being coercively abused. It's virtually impossible for her to see that her OH is abusing her son.

Which I am sure you know is a sympton of coercive control?

@thislittlepony I say this with kindness and no animosity. I think you need to take a step back and take your own advice. You need to step away from this thread for your own wellbeing and OPs. Yes, I agree this thread is massively triggering to those of us who have been through this. But OP is in the thick of it, where she can't see the wood for the trees and has been gaslit and brainwashed so extensively she can't see a way out.

While she's going through the motions of saying he's in the wrong and she can see it on some levels. She's still defending him on others. She's not ready to make that jump yet.

Your comments are only going to put her down even more than she already is. She needs the tools and resources to build a plan and the confidence and support to act on it. Not to be told she is the problem.

It's incredibly frustrating and I get your anger. But please be kind x

Wow. 12ish hours to go from “should I disown my mother” to “I’m leaving my abusive partner and speaking to women’s aid”.

Not buying it

which feels like she's also trying to abuse me which is tough when I'm already stuck in a cycle with OH.

Why are you letting your OH abuse your children? You know he is, you acknowledge it here.

I’d be pretty furious that my mum had ignored my wishes, whatever they were; and encouraged my DS to lie to me… if she disagreed with something I’d expect her to talk to me about it, not do it anyway. But it’s quite possible here that she’s intervened in the only way she can, because you’re willing to put up with this. You’re condoning your partner setting a bizarre menu and expecting everyone to obey it. And even if she just did it because she wanted to get him chocolate, what she’s done is far; far less damaging than what he’s done.

Plus you’re not entirely sticking to it, if he’s got a normal advent calendar, which does undermine how seriously it’s being taken…

The more time your children spend around him, the more work they’re going to have to do when they’re older. The best thing you could give them this Christmas is being far away from him and his controlling influences before he decides that you’re all doing something else batshit and damaging.

You can’t expect the HV, school etc to step in if you seem to be condoning this. By the time they make referrals, they’ll be against you too, if you’re just passively waiting. If you need their help to do it, talk to your HV tomorrow, and Women’s Aid. You’ve got no chance of building a better support network before you leave; so you’re going to need to do it afterwards.

@Bourneo you are right for my own stress levels this is enough for me.
its too triggering to see a total lack of culpability, while happily pointing the finger at everyone else for abusing her.
no care for the dc. Again you’re right it’s not helpful for me to keep seeing this thread.

Your husband sounds coercive and controlling. In this whole thread, your responses are making me feel as if your husband is being abusive towards you and your child through controlling your diet and your relationship with your relatives.

What would happen if you didn't eat 'clean'? You're an adult. You can eat what you want. You also can feed your child what you want.

I say this as someone who was in an extremely coercive controlling relationship - my abuser is in prison. He impacted my relationship with my parents, forbid our child from seeing their grandparents, isolated me and our child, controlled what we ate... amongst many other things.

Please seek help and support from a domestic abuse organisation if it is safe to do so.

No that's not the case. As someone else said you came on here basically asking if you should cut your mum out of your life more or less because that's what your OH wanted - people don't know your entire back story. I'm not sure how I or anyone else was supposed to know that your mum knew that your husband was abusive to you - you posted another thread a week or two ago where people were apparently very concerned at your OHs behaviour

Your mum was cut off last Christmas due to your OH banning her on Christmas day. He was going to do the same this year too. In fact your mum has already been told Christmas day dinner is cancelled and your grandad has been un invited too

Your child was also told he wasn't going on holiday with your mum because of the chocolate issue - and you said it was partly his fault

You also referred to his behaviour and concentration improving due to the diet your OH imposed on him

I suspect you didn't think you were going to get some of the responses you have on here - and that people would back you over your OHs stance on your mum and grandad

So, you've been with an abusive man for 10 years, repeatedly been told he's abusive, and are now co-operating with the abuse and coercive control being transferred to your son and agreeing to isolate him from his family. How do you think this is adequate parenting from either of you?

It's all bollocks. People like that never leave until it's too late

On one of the OPs other threads - she said that he was texting her calling her a cunt and that he was highly abusive to her over the issue of whether they should get the baby vaccinated. He referred to her as "fucking disrespectful". There's clearly anger issues there as well. All being directed towards her. That was in August 2024 and multiple people on that thread advised her to leave. Then he was texting her abuse because their baby had a wobble and bumped it's head on an activity table when she wasn't home

She also said there were cultural issues there - that he's from a different country and culture

OP-I'm actually concerned that this could tip over into violence against you - this man acts like he hates you and he's making zero attempt to hide it

I really hope your christmas present to yourself and to your children is to get out of them asap, before Christmas day. I know it seems scary and overwhelming, but you will look back and know that it was the best decision you could have made and you'll wish you did it sooner. Show your kids that you all deserve better. You can do it. It will take time retrain your brain because he has conditioned you for so long, so go to the GP and ask for counselling asap. Your son will need counselling too. Wishing you all the luck.

She knows her son is being abused. She knows she's being abused as well. She's posted several times on these boards detailing the abuse her partner is dishing out to her. I know exactly what co ercive control is.

But she's posted on these boards that her partner has referred to her as a cunt and a retard. Repeatedly. She's asked for advice when she was pregnant. She was advised by people to go call women's aid then - this was around 15 months ago

Do you think even in a situation where someone is being abused - they don't see that a 9 year old child being forced to eat an unhealthy diet is abuse? At the beginning of this thread the OP stated that they changed their lifestyle last year and their child was on a restricted diet and was asking advice about whether the OP was being too harsh on her mum. Now she's saying she's not happy with the restrictions on his diet and has tried to alert the school, her family and the health visitor about it.

Does it have to take a bunch of strangers online to point out that feeding a 9 year old child eggs meat dairy, cheese and very little else is abuse?

Moreover it is not helpful for the OP to read all the criticism being levelled at her. Being able to extract yourself from a relationship where coercive control is present is a process. The OP’s partner has done a number on her and convinced her to accept his behaviour or fear the consequences. He has normalised his strict controlling behaviour so much so that she doesn’t even question it. The food thing is nuts! We can all see it (bar the odd “medical professional” who should know better and has missed the point!). She is not allowed to buy a Xmas tree. She is verbally abused and hounded for purchasing a play table for the baby. Her eating is controlled. Her contact with her family is controlled. She is aware things are not right (hence posting on here for support) but lacks the clarity to see the wood for the trees. This is what happens in these types of relationship. The victim no longer has the ability to see what is normal, though their gut knows something isn’t right.

I know it can be frustrating when someone appears to be deliberately blind or minimising the behaviour of an abuser. She wanted someone at the school to call him out on his behaviour, and thereby support her but nobody did. Her mother is gently trying to make a stand but is going about it in such a way that her controlling partner can use her behaviour to ensure OP is further distanced from her family. She probably feels like she has no one. She knows it will be a massive undertaking to leave him. It’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship. Though to those of us on the outside it can appear to be black and white. Just leave the bastard! The reality is that it can take multiple attempts to leave and often having a supportive network is key. The controlling partner is doing his best to shut off familial support. MN is supposed to be here to support women. We should be doing better. Not chastising this woman (she is a victim) for not upping and leaving. My hope is that she gets enough from this thread to begin the process of leaving. I am rooting for you OP. You absolutely can do this, for yourself and your babies. You deserve so much better.

Ok...all 39 pages lol..

Then read her posts and also her others threads.

OP, until you have lived through domestic abuse and controlling behaviour, it is impossible to fathom how trapped you become. I left , and i am still only starting to scratch the surface of how and why I stayed for so long.
It's so hard when you don't have supportive friends, but you have your parents, not just distant see the children a couple of times a year type, but grandparents who have a central role in your children's lives, and yours. You have somewhere to escape to.Once you are there you can start to plan your future.
Two things that stand out from your posts: your husband sounds explosive, do not tell him you are leaving; tell your midwife-tell her that school and health visitors are not aware of the coercive control and tell her about how he treats you and misleads professionals.
Taking your children to your parents' home is proof you are protecting them, so is speaking to Women's Aid.
Getting out seems overwhelming, impossible, even...but that is because you have been living in a prison.The moment you are out you will be able to breathe, and think clearly, with support.Wishing you and your little ones all the luck in the world.

Just click and read the OP's posts. You don't have to read all the responses from other posters. LOL.

@ThisLittlePony you should be ashamed of yourself.

Read the full thread. Its not her, its him

Just read the OP's posts then.

Flowers8989 · Today 13:10
Ok...all 39 pages lol..

Don't know why you are "LOL"-ing.

There are currently more than 900 comments on this thread. If you are so busy and important that it isn't worth your time to actually find out how/if the situation has moved on since the original post, just move on to something simpler for you.

The OP is in a horrible situation, and you are basically saying "I'm too busy for this shit" and then laughing.