AIBU was I being disrespectful?

[Whiteoleander2]

I brought up immunizations with sons dad (son 8 had all his immunizations) I'm now pregnant again and since that time his views on immunizing babies at such a young age has changed and he is now against it. All's I said was if he could look into them more and I started listing the names of them at which point he cut the conversation off and told me to stop listing them he wasn't interested and to come back to the conversation when I'd read a certain book on vaccines he'd suggested. I did keep listing them for a split second and then stopped, he then walked out the room in a huff, informed me he was putting his headphones in so couldn't hear my voice, I didn't respond, then 10 or so minutes later walked back in the room again muttered something about keeping his headphones in or something snide then walked back out again I didn't respond, just sat quietly, then another 5 minutes later walked in again and told me I was fucking disrespectful and not to do that again. Again I didn't respond. Was I being disrespectful not respecting his wishes to end the conversation immediately when he asked?

I tried to bring it up a few hours later saying I was willing to be open and read the book but I obviously would still be worried for the baby and all's I wanted was some support and reassurance to know that he felt the same, he told me he doesn't do comfort or reassurance only truth and it
instead it turned into a fight where he repeatedly called me a c-u-n-t multiple times

I feel so sad and alone and have no family or friends to speak to about this. Everytime someone asks if I'm ok at work I say fine, everytime my midwife asks if I'm ok I say yeah, I just can't bring myself to speak to anyone, even writing this is so hard and I question if the argument was my fault for being disrespectful.

Speak to your midwife for support. He sounds like he's been watching too much YouTube and reading dangerous nonsense. He doesn't get to shut you down and then have a hissy fit about about you not engaging with him. Pathetic.

Vaccinate your child.

Erm, calling you a cunt is far more disrespectful than not stopping talking when he tells you.

Dump him. Vaccinate your baby.

Please tell the truth.

He is a vile abusive pig.
I vaccinated my baby's too.

If my DH called me a c**t he would be my ex!

Not vaccinating children?!?! Has he been watching crap online??

YANBU, he sounds awful and thoroughly selfish. So his (wrong) beliefs are more important than the health of his child? And your own happiness? He has insulted you and told you he won't support you - that is really worrying for the rest of your pregnancy. I'm sorry.

He’s a stupid prick for being anti-vaccine. That’s enough on its own to know you would be better without him!

Please don't bring your kids up around this man. (And do vaccinate them! )

This is not a loving relationship.

What an arsehole.

He’s abusive to you.

You refer to him as 'son's dad' not husband or partner. Are you together? If so, why? instead it turned into a fight where he repeatedly called me a c-u-n-t multiple times he is a terrible person.

Can you think about leaving? Any man who calls the pregnant woman carrying his child a cunt repeatedly is scum. And the fact that you are mentioning YOUR behaviour means you have a lot of work to do on what a healthy, happy, normal relationship looks like.

Please talk to your midwife.

You tried to have a reasonable conversation about an important subject.
He was not interested in what you had to say. He expected you just to conform to his ,quite frankly dangerous, view point.

And rather than have a two way conversation he called you a dreadful name and put his head phones on to block you out.

That is really horrible and worrying behaviour. Latching on to crank ideas and trying to impose them on you . He does not see you as an equal partner in your relationship.

Yes you should talk to your midwife. But you should also think about your relationship because his behaviour is very worrying.

The key word here is 'disrespectful' for me. That's not a word I hear loving couples use. Has this bloke been reading watching Andrew Tate type stuff about respect and submission?
Please have your baby vaccinated. Not to is life threatening.

I know his behaviour isn't normal and him calling me a c-u-n-t is not okay. I just also tend to doubt myself and that maybe I was also being disrespectful if he said he didn't want to talk until I had read the book. I know his behaviour is also disrespectful and we should be able to have an important conversation like that without name calling and disrespect. It feels so difficult to leave because I've known him 10 years and we've been through so much, I've watched him go from a sweet, caring, loving man who would have done anything for me with our first son to someone I barely recognise anymore.

I'm so sorry. It sounds like he's gone down an internet/conspiracy route. It's almost impossible to get them back from this

Someone ages ago posted that an expert on deprogramming cult members said that this kind of online radicalisation was worse to treat than cult membership.

Is it just vaccines or lots of subjects? MH as well or at the same time?

I’m not keen on vaccines but parents need to discuss and be respectful. He is abusive.

Thankyou. Yeah lots of subjects. His physical health is the best it's ever been but MH probably the worst he just no longer speaks about it. He did engage with MH earlier this year and deeply opened up to them about his childhood and struggles but they didn't offer him any form of counselling after saying they would just told him to follow his previous ADHD referral. I felt guilty as I was the one who pushed him into getting the help.

He's said he's accepted I will probably get the vaccines and he doesn't care it's my choice but obviously out of respect I still wanted to discuss it properly but he sees that as me wasting his time and pointless. I know he wouldn't have taken the decision lightly and would have weighed up the pros and cons which is why I did want to hear his side of things still as it's still important to me even if we have different views to hear each other out calmly.

The problem is with pros and cons and discussion with someone who's been 'researching' on the internet is that most people are terrible at understanding statistics and actual medical research. They simply don't get it. I've done some research and studied statistics in medicine to degree level and I find it difficult. That means that plausible sounding nonsense is easy to swallow.

Can you prioritise, as a family, saving for counselling?

And if you're reading his book, would he read Bad Science? Written by this guy; www.theguardian.com/society/2005/nov/02/health.science

Thankyou for taking the time to listen and respond. I really appreciate it. Private counselling isn't currently an option nor do I think he's likely to ever engage in any type of counselling or opening up again.

I don't think he would read that book as he sees me as less educated on all subjects compared to him so anything I ever present from websites isn't applicable unless it's from a source he "trusts" I don't know the book but know he wouldn't listen to any newspaper articles or anything on Google or the NHS. Where ever he has found his information it will be most likely a podcast with some psychologist/scientist backing it up most likely and then he would have brought books and looked in to it more that having the vaccines as a baby can cause immune problems, respiratory diseases, learning difficulties etc etc and that the chances of baby dying from any of the diseases they are immunised against are small because he's from a different country and culture he believes his bloodline would survive without them as they didn't have them and they were fine. He's not against all vaccines in general, he agrees with the HPV vaccine and potentially vaccinating when the child is abit older, he's just changed his views on giving a small baby that many injections as he believes now their system can't cope with that many being so tiny.

Please find the courage to talk to the people around you. He is not going to be good for you or your children. He can hold what ever view he likes, many people are anti vaccinations. That doesn't mean they get to be rude and abusive to the people who don't agree with them especially if they are meant to love them.

Op this^

It sounds like he's really out of order here and it sounds very misogynistic. You're pregnant. You need and deserve his support, his respect and his love. Instead it sounds like you're being patronised, disrespected, verbally abused and shut down. That's not acceptable and mental health alone is not an excuse for any of that behaviour.

You say you've watched him go from a lovely guy to someone you don't recognise in 10 years. Ultimately as a couple you make a conscious choice to grow together. Noone is the same a decade later, the difference here is that he's choosing to grow in a different direction without you. That's on him.

Being worried about vaccines is one thing. If he's worried he needs to sit down with a healthcare professional and discuss those concerns. He does not need to be taking his advice from pseudoscience on the Internet. There are a very small number of children who can't or shouldnt be vaccinated and its highly, highly unlikely that yours will fall into that category. But if he's a genuinely worried parent then he should be taking steps to engage with credible sources. The problem for me is that he's putting the decision on you, saying he doesn't care and then he will hold you responsible for that parenting decision. That's not a healthy way to co parent and it makes me suspect that he's doing it more to bully and belittle you, than because he wants what's best for the baby.

I think you need to line up your supports op. Do you think he's going to be the help and support you need when baby is actually here? His gaslighting behaviour is unacceptable and the next time he called me a cunt he'd be sleeping in another house.

I have a pretty hard and fast rule - the word "disrespectful" used in respect to any adult-on-adult relationship is an immediate and massive red flag. Experience tells me that people who claim their partners are "disrespectful" (almost always men about women) are controlling, manipulative and probably abusive.

out of respect I still wanted to discuss it properly but he sees that as me wasting his time and pointless. I know he wouldn't have taken the decision lightly and would have weighed up the pros and cons which is why I did want to hear his side of things still as it's still important to me even if we have different views to hear each other out calmly

You have answered your own question here: it is important to you to hear each other out calmly and discuss things properly. But to him this is a pointless waste of time, because he has already taken his decision.

You won't be able to have a calm discussion with him, because it takes two, and he doesn't want to.

You can't have the kind of relationship you want with him - it takes two to make a relationship.

No, you were not being disrespectful to not shut up with your list the immediate second he demanded it. He has no right to silence you like that - he was being disrespectful.

It feels so difficult to leave because I've known him 10 years and we've been through so much
This is the sunk cost fallacy. He is not that man now, he has changed, so don't stay with him just because you have already been with him a long time. See him with fresh eyes.
Never mind all your history together - Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so just think about what you want going forward.

People survive without vaccines exactly because enough other people have had them. If no one at all had vaccines then yes, his family would have died from easily preventable things. As the majority of people have had vaccines, it makes it nearly impossible for most diseases to spread, like polio and smallpox.

This is why there are tribes of people living remotely that we are not allowed to go near, because the chances of us wiping them out entirely is extremely high due to their lack of vaccines.

Babies are more vulnerable which is why it's better to vaccinate them early. Otherwise they have a higher chance of getting sick from being exposed to other people.

They don't do it for fun, especially in a society where healthcare is free and there is no direct monetary gain.

Just don't talk to him about it again. He's not capable of meaningful adult debate. Repeatedly calling you a cunt is utterly pathetic.
Just talk to the midwife. And get the child vaccinated if that's what you want. His notion of the 'truth' is baseless conspiracy videos and he will not engage sensibly on any level.
If this is an example of the way he treats differences in opinion I'd be feeling pretty unconvinced in the solidity of my relationship.

@Whiteoleander2 you vaccinated your fist baby so why did you even feel the need to bring the subject up with your (d) partner??? you should have just got your baby vaccinated when they were due if you knew that he was a flat earther!!! then you would have had the defense that the first child was done so you presumed that it was acceptable!

Not helpful.