AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Why are you letting your son and you be abused by this man?

If your DS's behaviour changes after spending time with your Mum, it's probably because he is experiencing a normal lifestyle there and resents going back to the miseries of Bleak House. Even prisoners get a better and more varied diet---and nobody is going to berate them for buying chocolate or biscuits out of their paltry earnings

OH is a controlling prick with some very weird and unscientific views about nutrition, and a horrible attitude to parenting.
I imagine your mother is trying to mitigate some of the worst excesses to help your DS navigate his way through some pretty strange and arbitrary rules about food (and no doubt other things).
Listen to your mum, OP. She supports you loads by spending time with DS. She wouldn't do that if she didn't care about him. Let her help you open your eyes and see what a mess your relationship is. Then maybe you'll see what decisions you need to make.

I nearly lost both my mum and my wee brother OP because of my stepfather. You cannot sit silent to this abuse and make excuses for the way he is treating your son - your son has to be your priority in this.

Bleak house is the way to put it. Misery. They would be as well serving up gruel three times a day

As someone who has struggled and still does with their weight and moderation of "unhealthy food", dont make it forbidden fruit. I still blame my parents to this day, used to steal money to go up the shop and buy all that good stuff I was deprived, eating in secret etc. Yabu to cancel christmas, yab even more unreasonable to allow your Oh to be so controlling. This is a OH problem I'm afraid.

One of those people is abusive and the other one loves you. Please never ever refer to them in the same sentence like their behaviour is the same again, there’s nothing to compare. Try: I don’t always agree with my mums behaviour, but on the other hand my partner is an abusive fucking asshole who is abusing my children as well as me. That’s what that sentence should say.

She's quite happy to see her son be fed a miserable diet. In the time people have posted on here she could have phoned her mum and said help. We are being abused - but no. She's on here defending him

You don't agree with a lot of his behaviour - well fucking stop forcing your kid to eat that awful diet. If you don't - you're unfit to parent him

You don't seem to see how serious this is. Your kid is probably malnourished.
I defended you all through this thread but you came out slagging off your mum and making excuses for your horrible OH

You are both unfit parents. Him because he's a horrible cunt and you because you are not protecting a 9 year old child

Your h is very abusive and controlling. Not letting your dc have life-saving vaccinations is just crazy.

I’m very sorry for your dc.

You need to try to get them away from your h.

Could you ting Women’s Aid!

She doesn't want to. The last two posts she's made have been defending her horrible partner

I have thought about this thread all day. It’s so upsetting and frustrating. OP, does it not occur to you that your son’s “normal” behaviour is actually the behaviour of a controlled and bullied child? And the “bad” behaviour you see when he comes back from your mums is actually just him having had some freedom to be a child and not an emotional punching bag for your husband?

Not once in all your replies have you actually addressed the real problem here. You’ve wilfully ignored everyone that’s pointed out how disgusting your situation is. Do you understand that your husbands behaviour will only get worse? I would bet any money the school have eyes on you already, and I’d bet as soon as they raise concerns your husband will suddenly decide school is toxic and evil too. Eventually, you and your children will be completely trapped in your home with no way to get outside help, and then who knows what will happen.
At this point, if you don’t turn it around soon, you are rightfully going to be seen as complicit in his abuse. You are choosing to allow your children to be starved of nutrients and denied medical care for a man who actively hates you and wants to ruin your life.
For fuck sake, call your mum. Acknowledge you’re being abused. Wait til he’s asleep tonight and gather all your documents, put them somewhere outside that they can be accessed quickly as you leave. Pack a small bag each and hide them. Arrange a pick up time with your mum and go. If your phone is monitored then just go and rock up at her door. I guarantee she would be delighted to facilitate you leaving him.
Let me be clear again. If you stay, you are complicit in the abuse of your children.

Would you like to address any of this or continue to blame everyone but the man who’s destroying your children’s lives?

OP, what joy and love does your husband bring to your and your children’s lives ?

From your posts it all seems to be verbal abuse, and controlling behaviour including forced adherence to unusual and potentially damaging food choices.

Of course your older child enjoys spending time with his Grandmother 🙄. He might enjoy spending time with his other Grandparents too if his father hadn’t alienated them as well 🤔

Disown the oldest son ?!!!

does he suspect this child is not his

does he have any just reason to suspect such a thing.

tho from what you have written today, it would be the best thing to happen to the child.

Are you married to this controlling prince or not.

I am a foster carer and I would say 60% of the children who were removed by Children's Services were because their mother did not put the children's needs before those of her husband/partner. I also think many of them even after the children's removal, totally blamed their husband/partner for this, not realising they could have protected their children if only they had acted. This is only my experience of course.

To be honest, I think the majority will blame the Social Workers for not understanding them or their abusive partners but I agree with you that a lot of mothers of Cared for Children don’t seem to have been able to protect their children from their fathers or ‘step’ fathers.

And you know what - kids should be able to wake up on Christmas day without some cunt of a dad saying they can't have chocolate

My brother is a personal trainer. He's very fit and has a very low body fat percentage

He eats meat and he's not the biggest fan of veg but he has veg with his evening meal. He eats bread. Pasta. Potatoes. I'll see him on Christmas day and we'll have a takeaway

He can bench press 100 kgs and deadlift much more than that. He runs. He plays football - and he eats chocolate! It's about moderation. Not about some wacky diet.

Anyone who thinks a 9 year old child is being poisoned by chocolate is a fucking crank of the highest order

When I think about the stuff I was fed at school dinners (stodge) and the stuff I ate at home - not my mums fault - I just hated veg as a kid. My mum tried to get me to eat veg and I struggled and I love veg now. Did it do me any harm? No

In my lifetime I have done several 10ks. Three triathlons. Multiple bootcamps. I'm vegan - but my diet is less restrictive than your kids and no one imposed that on me. I made that choice as an adult. If I want chips I'll have them. If I want a can of coke I'll have it. That's the way it should be.

Your son is going to come to no harm if he has chips or noodles or crisps occasionally - but I suspect you know that

My brother is one of the fittest people I know - and he doesn't eat a diet like that - it's absurd to say that a carnivore diet is good for a child when it's nothing but.

Stop making your child feel guilty for eating chocolate. He's a kid. And get him off that crank diet ASAP

Your poor mother must be worried sick.
Your child is being abused.
A healthy balanced diet includes treats. Even if your mum gave him a treat a day a young boy will soon run that off with energy.
This partner is all about health but is creating the most toxic atmosphere. You say he won’t harm children but he already is.
If you lose your mum in all of this they will damage you and remove the one adult who appears to provide some balance for thus poor young boy who is being deprived of stability.
I would go to your mum for Christmas and let him gorge on YouTube with his tin hat on.
He’s disturbed and this will get worse.

Oh theyre able, they just don’t want to, because it’s more important that they have a maaan than their children are safe! I mean @Whiteoleander2 its your awful 9yo and your dm that are the baddies to you and poor lovely oh!

Exactly - every kid deserves to wake up with a selection box. Not some miserable household when you get tatties once a year - like get to fuck on that

@Roobarbtwo and feeling safe and away from abuse.

Sorry you went through all that x

And. What's the worst thing that could happen if you said you won't follow his crank diet anymore. He hits you -call police. He says he is leaving - there's the door

Come on OP. You don't agree with a lot of his behaviour -call him out on it. Particularly the behaviour where he's calling you a cunt and a retard. Show your mum. See what she thinks

There comes a point where you can't defend the indefensible. You just can't

Yabvu.
Each day this week my kids have come out of school with a choc coin or small foil wrapped choc or similar. Class advent calendar, coins in cards, prize winners for being top of the chart or whatnot.

Op agrees with her son being disowned if he eats chocolate though don’t you @Whiteoleander2 ? 👍

Thank you x. I'm very proud of my mum. That she got out which was very hard back in the day and she used her experiences to try and help other women. I'm also very proud that my brother respects and cares for women. Not just me and my mum - every woman he's been with.