AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

It takes great courage to leave. Esp if he is charming to outsiders (but her mum and grandfather know/realise what is going on, which is why he wants OP to go LC) because everyone will be persuaded to blame OP for the breakup. And leaving doesn't stop the abuse, it continues through the divorce proceedings, access etc. Which is not saying she should not leave - she should.

You are enabling the abuse of your DC: In my view you are far worse than him. You are helping him in all his acts of abuse to both your DCs. Either you leave and take the children with you or you stay and help him to continue and escalate the abuse. The end game is that your children will have food issues so severe that they will not be able to live a normal life or they will starve themselves to death. Do you really want to facilitate either of these outcomes?

My grandpa used to take me out every Friday and buy my a blue riband or a breakaway. He died quite young - and that's one of my favourite memories of him - and it didn't send me off into a chocolate frenzy. I'm not sweet toothed at all.

You don't understand her situation. She has been made to feel her ideas do not count - OH told her what to eat during pregnancy for the benefit of HIS child, note - and he is coercively controlling her. She can't think for herself. It takes a moment of revelation for her to see what is going on. At that point she will, I hope, leave. But she isn't there yet. Blaming her doesn't help her. She's in a prison with no bars and no key.

No. Op is happily agreeing with her oh that a NINE YEAR OLD should be disowned if he eats chocolate… @Whiteoleander2 feels more for her ‘poor diddums’ oh than her own child!

Exactly! OP is constantly choosing her dickhead of a partner

I do understand her situation. My mum was almost killed by my stepfather. I grew up with domestic abuse and violence.

I had her back on here until she came on here defending him within the last hour. Twice! He sent her texts last week calling her a cunt and a retard. He's abusing her - and she's defending him

Leave him OP - I guarantee your mum will be so relieved and she’s not going to say I told you so - she just wants you all safe!

Oh well who gives a shit if the dc are being abused! As long as nobody thinks badly of op!

She's posted three threads on here about his rotten behaviour. She knows he's an abuser

But it’s everyone else’s fault and she luvvs him of course… he’s a poor lamb who’s misunderstood… their 9 yo is clearly the awful one

Here's a tip for you - when you post about someone not understanding someone's situation - you don't know anything about the person you've said that to. I've been in more than one awful toxic relationship - like many people

And I grew up with much much worse than the OP is going through. I was really concerned about her - till she came back on here actively defending him

When your DS is around your DM, I imagine he feels safe. He can behave like a normal child. Testing his boundaries. Acting up. This is how children develop. They trial and error. What’s OK. What’s not OK. They need to feel safe to be able to do this.
When children live with fear, when they are controlled, and walking on eggshells, they don’t feel safe and they just do what they can to survive. This may look on the surface like obedience. In fact it is survival.
It may appear as though the strict diet regime = obedient behaviour. And the sweets and stuff = poor behaviour. But the likelihood is that your OH’s regime has your DS learning to toe the line or fear the consequence. And your DM’s treatment has him feel like a normal child, testing his boundaries and finding his way.
You therefore assume your OH’s diet regime is the “right” way because your DS’s behaviour seems to support this. The reality is that your DS is learning to navigate having an abusive controlling father just as you are defending him (because it is better for you if you do) and chastising your DM for lying to you.
The truth is you’re doing exactly what your controlling OH wants. You’re supporting him and his awful behaviour. You’re chastising your DM and threatening to cut her off. You’re allowing this behaviour to damage your DS irreparably. This isn’t a food issue. This isn’t a trust issue with your mum. This is a vile and abusive partner issue. Please please walk away. Walk away with nothing if you have to. It will be better for your kids to eat chocolate than be raised by this man. Your family will support you: they already know!

OP you've clearly been with this guy for a while so it must be hard to accept he's abusive but it's now affecting your children so you need to be brave and leave. You need to call Women's Aid or your Mum or just get the hell out.

In your original post you mention your child not being allowed to eat 'certain foods' and then say it's just chocolate because he's at risk of getting diabetes (??) but given your later posts it sounds like he has a long list of forbidden foods he's having to take to your Mum's. No it's not good that he's been encouraged to lie but she's probably trying to ensure he gets a good meal while he's with her and that it doesn't get back to his abusive father.

Please listen to the advice on this thread OP. You need to get away from this horrible, controlling man.

Please tell me where I've agreed? Because I absolutely don't agree he should be disowned for eating chocolate, that's absurd.

But do you understand that this level of control from your OH is not normal and is not OK? Do you see what everyone one else on here sees?

This thread is so very sad to read. I’ve said this numerous times @Whiteoleander2 you need to leave this man. You’ve drip fed all the way through… now your mum did drugs with you and this man is your ‘saviour’ the way your posts read 🙄. I’m wondering if this is true as it’s never been mentioned before. It’s very common to blame others when you’re in a coercively controlling relationship. That’s how gaslighting works, they make you think it’s everyone else’s fault just like he and you are blaming your mum. If it wasn’t your mum it would be someone else’s fault. You’ve focussed this whole discussion on chocolate, you KNOW deep down this isn’t about chocolate that your mum gave to your child, it’s about your partners control and you feeling that you can’t stand up to him.

From a mum (who has to watch her daughter and grandchild from afar who are in a coercively controlling family) I’ll say it again, walk away, I bet your mum has watched this for years and will be waiting to help you. Your mum perhaps will one day come to the decision (like we did) that your partner may control you but he won’t and can’t control us. I know that’s a terrible thing to say but after 12 years we will not be controlled, our DD knows we will always be here, we will always help her, we will welcome her with open arms but she needs to make that decision for herself. She chose to block us from contacting her because we raised the fact she’s being abused. We are in the fortunate position to know if her controller (yes that’s what we call him “the controller”) ever did anything like restricting a child’s diet we’d be reporting them. We’re in this position because our DD is still very friendly with a childhood friend whose mother is a friend of mine and regularly keeps in touch, we’re all worried about her.

Your OH has conditioned you to think he’s right, to live by his rules and ostracise your family, he’s already ostracised his. You KNOW this full situation is abuse, you just need to reach out to those that can help and support you to get out of the hellhole you’re in. I truly hope you find the strength to make the decision to leave and as I said earlier on in the thread to live a life free from abuse. You’ll have a lot of healing to do and I hope you find support in leaving him. It’s your choice 💐

Your child is hungry at home because your not feeding the child properly, that has nothing to do with having chocolate or no chocolate elsewhere. I figured from your first post your were OTT but continue to see it further on. You decide to suddenly change your eating and expect everyone else to accept it when it's not allergy,diet based etc etc..You do know you could also get diabetes from anything not just sweet stuff.

Sorry to hear about your daughter and grandchild, what a worry for you ❤

Have deleted - phone glitched and I missed key info on this thread I think

This @ChristmasFaery it must be horrible to have a child who places their sex/love life above their children’s safety. Hopefully your dd will be a better mum like you and start prioritising her dc

Vegan?

Again not rtft @HopingForTheBest25 ? Or do you like op agree with starving children and child abuse?