AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

I can’t deny we worry every day, there’s not a day goes by we don’t think of DD or DGC. I think I may start my own thread in Parents of Adult Children for a bit of support and to reach to others in our situation. I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread as she’s clearly struggling. Thank you for your kind words, they do mean a lot as we struggle at Christmas especially 💐

Honestly I hope no more stupid not reading anything of the thread with the “ommmer gawd op, you and oh are amazing!!! Your mum is awful!! How dare she defy your amazing parenting” daft posts!!

No. The opposite. Carnivore

Also sorry, @ChristmasFaery my rage and upset at ops horrendous parenting has made me a bit trigger post happy.
must be so stressful for you

@ThisLittlePony yep, missing something on a thread is exactly the same as agreeing with harming someone!

Agreed because you are sitting by and letting this happen.
He is controlling. You need to leave. This isn't good for your children. Put them first.

Your DS is probably behaving in a worse way due to your partner speaking about your mum disrespectfully or at least feeling the tension!

Missing ‘something’?? 😆😆

You're allowing your partner to impose his cranky crackpot views about eating onto his child. You've banned your mum from Christmas two years in a row. You're not allowing your child to go on holiday with your mum because of fucking chocolate. She should have told the pair of you to fuck off after the way you humiliated her last year

You are staying with a man who texts you calling you a cunt and a retard

If you don't take active steps to get away from this prick and protect your kids - your as bad as him

Wake up! If you don't you'll end up very sad and lonely with a child who will cut you off as soon as he's old enough to leave home

I can’t deny I’m so annoyed at the OP when they’ve clearly said they know they’re being abused and the situation is so wrong! It’s infuriating.

Yes I'm not I'm blind. I just know no one is concerned about the diet, the school have known for a whole year. Everytime we have a meeting OH always makes sure to bring it up how his behavior has improved because of it the teachers haven't intervined despite me thinking they might as our DS has always told them about the diet, they know about all restrictions etc. The one time he did end up eating something from school his dad didn't agree with He made a meeting with the head teacher (I didn't go) but yes he went and spoke with the head teacher about it. So people thinking it's easy and there's plenty of people out there to help are wrong. I've hoped other people would step in and question it so it wasn't just coming from me. The health visitor also is aware and doesn't seem concerned. He does have an advent calendar by the way for people thinking I'm that bad and he will have a normal Christmas dinner and dessert, he just won't have an excess of chocolate to binge on. I will be leaving tomorrow when I can speak with women's aid.

What kind of upbringing around food is your child going to take into fatherhood?

This has nothing to do with Christmas dinner or dessert. He treats you like shit. He treats your son like shit. No there are not always plenty of people to help but a start would be to tell your mum what's going on. People who care about you and who can help you get away from this man.

He's abusing your child and you - you must get away from him

It's completely true I just forget about it as it was over 10 years ago. At the time in my 20s when I met OH my mum done cocaine with me, to me back then he did save me. Obviously I recognize he is now abusive. I will be making plans to leave tomorrow either way.

You were in your 20s @Whiteoleander2 if you chose to do cocaine, it’s on you, STOP with the passive victim tripe!!

My mum knows. I don't know why people assume she doesn't, she's read the messages, shes seen what he says to me and the things he calls me it's no secret. My friends know. He knows I've told everyone.

Why don't YOU intervene?

Why are you waiting for someone else to do it?

YOU see it, YOU are capable of stopping it.

If you don't, you ARE complicit in this emotional abuse and coercive control of both of your children.

YOU are helping to harm them.

When I've said in previous posts I don't have friends to turn to it's because the 2 I do have who I've mentioned it too have not been there when I've tried reaching out

I truly hope you do leave tomorrow but you don’t need to speak with Women’s Aid to leave… Yes of course use them for support but get to hell out of your situation. STOP making excuses, you’re still doing it for goodness sake. Go and meet with the school yourself without this abusive twat, tell them, the HV and your family what’s been happening but I can guarantee they’ll already know. People aren’t stupid @Whiteoleander2. You are the children’s mother YOU intervene, it doesn’t need a Health Visitor or school to intervene. You’re still fixated on your 9 year old child’s diet! Good grief, feed him a balanced diet. STOP making excuses and advocate for your children.

Please do. I’m glad you see it. I realise you’ve been wanting someone to step in regarding the diet, to back you up, to fortify your inner feelings that this isn’t ok. And no one has. Which, in turn, has made you feel like the lone voice wondering if it’s odd and abusive. You wanted someone at school to say “this diet is very controlling and unhealthy!” But nobody did.

Except your mum is subtly trying to tell you she sees it. And your OH is using that to isolate you from her. He knows what he’s doing. Probably she’s too scared to speak up for fear that you’ll disown her entirely.

Speak to her honestly and tell her the truth. It will be the best thing you ever did. Start your exit plan now. You absolutely will not regret it and your future self is waiting for you with open arms!

Thankyou to the posts that have been helpful. I won't be engaging further in this thread. I will be engaging with women's aid tomorrow. I was merely replying to someone who told me to start by telling my mum like she didn't already know. How that is a poor me, it's not my fault post I'll never know. Some people just assume and think they know it all. I am truly grateful for the helpful kind posts though, they have given me some clarity and helped me see some things more clearly.

Where have I made it clear I'll choose him? Please tell me where I've actually said I'm going to chose my OH? You've obviously just read into something I've said, as I absolutely am not going to choose my OH with such a crazy statement from him.

"I genuinely can't understand the logic behind it that they'd risk not seeing him again as they were told last time what would happen, still I can't help but feel bad/sad."

Here. Multiple times. "They did this anyway, they knew what would happen". They're your parents and family. Letting your partner say your son cannot see your parents, shrugging that this is their own fault (and you even BLAMED YOUR SON). That's the choice.

The logic was probably that they hoped you'd stand up to him.