AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

What are the things he's not allowed? I know your child your rules etc but it does make a difference how severe of an infraction they have committed.

Not allowed because they have an allergy or not allowed because you don’t want them to eat something for another reason and if so what? Response will very much depend on why they are not allowed this as your child your rules only really applies if they have a good reason behind them not just control of said child

They shouldn’t give your child food that he’s allergic/intolerant too, that’s terrible behaviour. It’s not like grandparents just giving a few sweets/chocolate, this could actually be dangerous!

Is there a way you can facilitate meeting them and explaining they could potentially make your son ill so it sinks in, as whilst what they are doing is bad, it would’ve a shame for them not to have a relationship with your son.

She’s had her chances and consistently shown she doesn’t respect you or your lifestyle. I’d go very low contact…

What is the food that DS is not allowed and why? You feel very strongly that DS shouldn’t have those items but your family disagree, why?

Are the foods not allowed for a specific health reason, or are you vegan and expecting your son to be the same?

My answer will differ depending on whether the offending food is choc/sweets or meat if you've become vegan for example..

More information required, especially about how much of this falling out is being driven by your OH against his in laws…

Yeah, a lot depends on what the banned foods are. If it's due to intolerance or allergy then I'm with you all the way. Same with lots of sweets. However, If you're forcing your DS to be vegetarian because it's YOUR choice, then not so much. If this is the case then your DS is obviously enjoying eating meat or whatever it is. Maybe he should make his own choices?

It all sounds very controlling unless there are genuine health reasons he should not eat certain foods.

You've crucially missed out why some some foods are not allowed.

Asking your son to lie to his own parents is unforgivable though especially over that timeframe.

Given that your son has clearly been eating what you don’t want him to eat for most of the time you’ve banned it, I’m guessing it’s a food preference rather than an allergy or behavioural concern since those would have clearly shown.

Is it sugar? Some kind of junk food? Orthorexia nervosa in parents often leads to food related health conditions in children.

Whatever the food is, your son likes it and likes it enough to continually lie to you about it. Remember that for all future play dates, parties, solo shopping trips and when given responsibility to buy own school meals and snacks. It’s also likely that school friends will provide him as well as regular class treat celebration handouts for birthdays etc.

You’re better to opt for a healthy lifestyle that centres around everything in moderation, rather than banning.

Is the food not allowed because of allergies or because you have decided to adopt a vegan / vegetarian diet orfor religious/ cultural reasons? Either way they should respect your choices for your child. What is the relationship like with your mum apart from this & are your other rules for your child followed?

On the face of it, if this is a preference rather than allergy. YABU to cancel Christmas.

Agree with PP. Something that he is allergic or intolerant to - should never see them again. Something that is more a lifestyle choice it depends. Somethinf that's a fad diet (for example you decided he should never eat carbs) then they could actually be trying to help. Also depends on quantity - if you're saying that he shouldn't have chocolate and they give him a couple of chocolate buttons, that's different to one of those giant bars of Cadburys

What are these "lifestyle changes" and is your DS old enough to make up his own mind about whether he follows them?

It all sounds very weird and controlling.

You went vegan and your son enjoyed meat?

All these people asking what the food is. What does it matter? They’ve gone against OP’s specific wishes and encouraged child to lie.

Trust would be gone for me. No need to fall out but they wouldn’t be having my DC alone again.

Hes 9 and you made a lifestyle choice about food.
He clearly doesn't agree so stop forcing your kid to not eat xyz.
(Allergies aside).

It might help not to drip feed the relevant bit

Yes that’s what I thought too. This doesn’t sound like a medical or allergy issue.

I think it depends what the food is.

You say your son enjoys seeing them, so that's important for him as much as them.

It sounds like he wants to eat the food you won't allow him to have, so again it depends what it is.

Opening presents at the door sounds awful for your son. I think if they all want to see each other you should find a way of them exchanging gifts. This is something your son will remember.

There’s a lot of controlling going on here

If it’s allergies then that’s understandable. Is it allergies?

What about what the child wants?, if is not an allergy or medical thing

Are children not allowed choice?