AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Surely if you are hosting the food choices are within your control so that is not the issue. What was the change you made? Dropping off the gifts seems a good compromise but longer term you heed to decide if you want to facilitate a relationship between your ds and them at all.

And there it is. I knew it was going to be something like that. OP it's completely unreasonable to remove chocolate from the diet of a 9 year old who has grown up eating chocolate. Your parents know this and are not willing to enable your crazy behaviour.

So the poor kid isn't allowed chocolate.

Even though every child around him will be eating chocolate at school, at parties - everywhere.

Jeez. You are the controlling ones. You need to stop and rethink this lunacy.

Sorry we posted at the same time - it’s chocolate. How often is your son at your parents home without you, to be eating enough chocolate to have the impact on his weight? Do they do childcare daily? If it’s only occasional visits - what do you need to do on your end to counter it? For example; when I’m with my kids great gran who loves to give a ‘treat’ we nearly always build in a bike ride or playground after - partly as the kids have to behave in their space and partly as it helps blow off the energy/manic ness!

You have been more than patient with them. Why do some people just suck!
do your own Christmas your way and I would go nc

The change was presumably cutting out not only chocolate but other 'non clean' sweet treats. Poor child.

OP, I know quoting past stuff is against the rules. But I just wanted to say that I think you need your family support more than ever, given your husband’s attitudes and behaviour. Please not isolate yourself further.

Poor kid. I am a big advocate for healthy eating but this is way OTT reaction. Your poor family.

I don’t care about the why, what foods etc
the unforgivable thing here is them making your own child lie to you. YANBU

Ah yes thought it would be something h like this. You are bonkers to think a child will never eat anything but ‘clean’ chocolate and to demonise your family this way. What happens when he goes to a party or when he’s a teenager and wants to stop at the chip shop on the way home from school? You surely can see it’s not reasonable to enforce outside the home.

Good grief, it’s chocolate!
As I said before, poor kid. All this drama over chocolate.

So it's just crappy chocolate? They're being unreasonable then. The GPs can give DC something else. I'd support that.

One of my son's friends isn't allowed sweets. He steals the other boys sweets at scout camps and denies it, even when presented with the evidence. From conversations with his mum, she knows he's completely obsessed with sweets. No idea how you deal with that.

How often does your son see your mum to get so much chocolate that it’s impacting his weight?

Having just suffered a bereavement I would encourage you not to leave your mum standing at the door on Christmas Day because she gave your son chocolate! I fear that’s something you would very much regret in the future.

What are you going to do when your son goes to high school and you can’t control what he eats all day?

This all sounds like a good way to cause serious food issues. It’s obviously something he really wants to eat to be lying about it and assume it’s not due to an allergy/intolerance. I’m assuming it’s something like veggie/vegan where at 9 he should really be given some choice. Similarly if it’s something like biscuits/chocolate then I can’t see why the odd treat from granny is an issue. Banning things will cause issues and the consequences seem totally out of line for a kid that just wanted something to eat he enjoyed. Poor kid. How often is he even alone with them for this to happen?

Yabu to send ds out with your grandad and mum when you know what they are like. You should have been supervising to ensure that ds doesn’t get forbidden item rather than setting him up to fail. It’s no surprise that ds chose to eat chocolate and lie rather than say no to the adults. Many grown adults struggle with having sweet stuff in their cupboards and not eating it yet you expected ds to stand up to his family?

Yanbu to be angry that they asked ds to lie. The one year “punishment” is very arbitrary and considering how ds is very close to milestones like walking home from school without an adult, you need to be realistic about the likelihood of him being offered stuff like chocolate and energy drinks. It’s hard to say no to peer pressure never mind family pressure.

Jeez...chocolate!! Good luck keeping that out of a 9 year olds diet. He's going to get access to it when seeing friends/at school/parties etc.

At the most I'd say they could only see him when he's with you or OH, but to try and ban them seeing him for a year? Completely OTT, and it will have a much worse effect on him than him having chocolate. Can't believe you cancelled Christmas too because of this. I agree it was wrong of them to encourage your DS to lie to you, but still OTT to enforce a year's ban on contact.

Just seen it is chocolate! As a one off treat it is really not that bad especially dark chocolate but that is your choice. You need to be careful though as at 9 he will soon be able to buy and eat what he chooses and “forbidden” foods might be more tempting.

Over a chocolate bar? Bit much isn’t it?

What is he not allowed? Obviously if it’s due to allergies or Coeliac etc they shouldn’t be giving them, but if it’s sugar/processed foods I’d let it go. You can feed him what you want at home but making foods “forbidden” is never a good idea and the occasional treat at grandmas house is part of a normal childhood surely?
Even if it is foods he’s allergic to I would still let them see him under supervision.
Having a good relationship with his grandma and great grandad will be far more beneficial for your DS long term than maintaining a perfect diet all the time.

This, clean eating is of course a good choice if it’s the persons choice, not when it’s sanctimonious like op! And to stop your dc having a relationship with dgps?
awful of you

What a massive overreaction to some chocolate.

I can understand you're annoyed if they keep ignoring your requests but cancelling christmas and banning them from the house is extreme.

You and your DH sound very controlling.

How much time do they usually spend with your DS? Are you sure they're solely to blame. Maybe your DS is geting chocolate from other places, friends maybe.

I totally get the wanting to eat clean. We do this too. But you can only control a child's eating so much once they start eating outside the home. If your son is eating clean the rest of the time, a once a week chocolate bar from grandma isn't going to give him diabetes.

If they are seeing a lot of them and so too much chocolate, you can cut down the contact to make it more manageable. But what you're doing is totally unreasonable. You need to get some perspective.

i just read her other thread. The op has an abusive husband (he sounds insane)and is willing to not see her mother for a year over chocolate.

Ok so it’s chocolate and it’s for general health reasons rather than for example it contains dairy and he’s dairy intolerant.

it gets harder and harder to control the food a child eats the older they get. At some point most parents give them pocket money and most kids spend it on junk food. When they reach secondary and have more Choice at lunchtime they often choose junk food.

children who experience very very controlled environments around a food are anecdotally more likely to go mad around junk food.

if he goes to parties there will be chocolate available. At scouts and cadets and other people’s houses there will be chocolate available and he will eat it.

if a child is intolerant then parents need to teach the child about what is safe for them because it’s not possible for parents to always be there.

your child is presumably not intolerant you just don’t want him eating chocolate. You can enforce this in your house, but not outside of it.

your child will lie to you about what he has eaten especially if he feels there is no reason for your rule.

you can cut family off for this - are you also planning to stop him going to any other houses or any extra curricular?

this is a massively over the top reaction op, I hope this helps you to see it.

OP, do you have any idea what a balanced diet is or, how much chocolate needs to be consumed to gain weight. You say weight is a concern. I’d be looking closer to home than with the grandparents giving a bit of chocolate when they see your child.

You are setting your son up by restricting this and that’s before any family relationships.

It is you and your DH that’s causing the issues here.

edited to say I have no idea why this specific post has been quoted. I didn’t mean to.

Oh op it’s not just chocolate is it ? And it’s not come from you . You need your family, don’t cut them out over this one thing because sooner rather then later you will need their support. Your son is 9 you can’t stop him eating what he wants. Speak to your mum please don’t be nasty and cancel Christmas you need them.