AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

I’ve just seen that it’s chocolate! Bloody hell, the kid doesn’t want your ‘clean’ chocolate because it’s probably dark chocolate and that’s an acquired taste in my book! They can’t be giving him that much ‘dirty’ chocolate because otherwise he’d be sick!
If you start banning foods, it’ll make your son more likely to be sneaky when he wants to eat it.
Also, banning him from seeing his grandma will cause more damage than the odd bar of chocolate ffs!

Are they taking him off to a back room and force-feeding him quickly? I don’t understand how they’re getting all these opportunities to give him the forbidden food.

Ok folks
advanced search the OP. She's in an abusive relationship and pregnant. She's stuck with a controlling, abusive man who wants to cut her off from her parents to further isolate her. This isn't about chocolate.

Cross post. A couple of times having chocolate. You are being so unreasonable and clearly have food issues yourself to think this is causing what you say or predisposing your child to diabetes also for putting that worry on to your child. Crazy!

Ok just seen it’s chocolate, in that case you’re being completely unreasonable, sorry.
I didn’t feed my children chocolate all the time because it’s obviously not healthy but stopping him seeing his grandparents over that is awful.
They shouldn’t have lied to you but if you’re too controlling this is what happens, if you carry on being controlling like that with your son he is going to be lying to you about food when he’s older and that’s a very unhealthy relationship to have with food.

I’ve brought my dc up to eat healthy foods and my in laws are the most unhealthy eaters I’ve ever come across. They eat massive amounts of meat and drink coke almost constantly. However, it didn’t cross my mind to try to control what they gave my children because what I was providing for them on a day to day basis was sufficient to keep them healthy.

Bodies aren’t cars where if you put I; the wrong fuel they are ruined.

I know America is nuts at the moment but there have been cases there where parent have taken this healthy eating to extremes like you seem to be doing and have had their children removed. It’s not reasonable to want to have such control over a child like this.

From a common sense point of view it’s going to blow up in your face anyway.

I've just read the other thread.

OP please, please, please do not let this man cut you off from your parents.

Poor you and your poor child.

Yeah, just seen the other post. It's the OH you want to be getting away from, not your mother FFS. He sounds insane and controlling.

His behavior improved when he didn't see my mum or grandad last year for a few months and he wasn't eating anything from them. His behavior has reverted since spending more time with them again. I'd still allow them for Christmas day ofc but OH is insisting they are not welcome now but yes I agree when he gets to secondary school it may become more difficult and of course he wants chocolate, he'd stuff his face with it until it made him ill if he was allowed, he's 9 it doesn't mean he should or it's ok.

Shish, that makes sense. How f'ing sad.

And now he is controlling and abusing the 9 year old child and trying to cut them off from their grandparents.

It's clear who the OP really needs to ban from the house.

You are mad.

Your husband sounds like an insufferable twat.

I don't know if that's helpful but, yeah.

This situation is not normal. Your husband sounds controlling and you sound like you bend to his every command. Are you scared by his reaction if you don’t agree with him? Your mum and dad love you more than anyone else in the world.

And there it is.

I was banned from chocolate and sweets as a child - the result is I can't get enough of it now and have a weight issue and pre diabetes. With my kids I didn't ban anything and they have much more healthy relationship with food and none of my fixation issues. Be very careful what you wish for as the minute he's in control of what he eats he could well go mad. All in moderation is a wise adage.

Op please don't lose touch with your family over this. This is part of the normal back and forth of life - your son is going to grow up in a world where people eat chocolate and he might have some.

YABU OP and this isn't about chocolate which you well know it's about control.

Maybe focus on why your DH is trying to exert so much control. The fact he's said a year is a prime example of what is going on.

I could understand if your son was a celiac and they were giving him sausage rolls etc but that's not the case here.

I feel like sneaking the poor kid a selection box myself!

Honestly? If they are loving and caring grandparents, you should let this go. Most of the time he will be with you and eating as you want him to. On balance the presence of loving and caring grandparents in his life will far outweigh the negatives if there are any of a bit of chocolate.

OP i remember your last post. Frankly I think you have more important things to worry about than chocolate.

Oh my days I’ve just had a look and it’s absolutely horrendous.

You need to get out of this situation @Whiteoleander2. Clearly he’s ostracising you from your parents.

You have to get out.

I don't generally agree with undermining parents, however you are being highly unreasonable imposing a complete ban on normal chocolate. I can understand your mother struggling with it. You can implement a healthier diet without being over the top. I do think younger children need guidance and support to eat healthy, but I don't believe any parent should have absolute control over a young person's diet and take away their agency unless it's for medical reasons.
Is your OH your son's father? Sounds extremely controlling and if not your child's father I'd be seeing huge red flags with your OH.

This is child abuse ! Staying with your husband !
Don't be so selfish get rid of your husband and let your child enjoy being a child and having relationships with your mum and grandad !!!
Be a good mum and get yourself out put your children first 💖

The behaviour is more likely to be linked to feeling he needs to lie to have something he wants and picking up on hostility from his dad rather than the chocolate. Please rethink your approach before you give him life long issues. I haven’t read your other thread but that likely means escaping what sounds like an abusive/controlling relationship first