AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

This seems a massive overreaction and weirdly controlling. I think most grandparents probably do this kind of thing. I feel sad for your ds.

Whose choice was it to go clean @Whiteoleander2 was it OH?

cos I’m feeling a subtext of control. …

can’t eat this or that diet must be this or that, overzealous accusations on the lying etc, and then the isolation of you and son from your family.

i mean it’s chocolate ffs. Unless he was deathly allergic you can bet your bottom dollar he’ll be having it other places too cos he’s 9! school, friends, childcare

why would you be so anal and restrictive over something like that unless he was morbidly obese?

if he’s genetically predisposed to diabetes then that was a done deal the minute he was conceived. You ain’t gonna change that with chocolate but what you are doing is setting your kid to have a psychologically unhealthy relationship with food, when with diabetes quite the opposite is needed

healthy foods /fats/carbs and everything else in moderation.

Some of the responses on here are wild.

And I would bet in the same shoes not one of of the ‘oooh I bet it’s veganism, your mum is totally within her rights to feed your poor child meat’ naysayers would be fine with someone else not only undermining your parenting but encouraging and bribing your child to lie, repeatedly.

That’s the issue here. The grandparents are encouraging and rewarding a young child for lying to his parents for months on end. Where does that start to become a problem? What behaviour patterns is that engraining in a young child?

@Whiteoleander2 I think your DH is right. They have zero respect for your parenting and your child’s welfare. Even if it’s ’only’ chocolate now, what about as he grows? It will be ‘only’ takeaways. ‘Only’ a little bit of alcohol. ‘Only’ one cigarette - they want to bribe your son by allowing him to have the ‘naughty’ stuff. If they don’t get it over chocolate they won’t get it over anything else forbidden.

Your DP is insisting you cut off your mum for a year over some chocolate? That's horribly controlling. Why does he get to dictate that?

Of course your wider family should be following your wishes, but the fact they are risking sneaking bits of chocolate on occasion to your DS suggests they are concerned about how his diet is being restricted. Is he allowed to eat any snacks? Does he complain of hunger? What's a "treat" in your household?

Also, if you overly control his diet now and make certain foods forbidden, you risk him going crazy for junk food when he's old enough to buy it himself.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

OP, being so rigorous about chocolate will have the opposite effect, I guarantee you that. My parents tried the same with me because I was overweight. The result was that I tried to obtain as much chocolate as possible whenever there was an occasion, whether it was via a friend or getting it in a shop. I felt that I had to because who knows when the next opportunity comes. As soon as I went to high school, there were opportunities everywhere and my weight spiralled out of control. My parents being so restrictive caused me to develop a very unhealthy relationship with this food. It would have been much better if they had reasoned with me and let me have it in moderation while allowing the occasional treat, like when seeing grandparents.

youve lost sight of what’s important op. You are breaking your family up over some chocolate. You really are in the wrong here.

Can you link? My search doesn’t appear to work

https://womensaid.org.uk/

Agree, poor kid.

A bit of chocolate is not damaging to a child. Living in a home with domestic abuse is hugely damaging.

I knew it would be chocolate.
you are Not being unreasonable.
Your mum and gd are treating you like a child…
Your child your rules ( and I don’t blame your child - who can say no to chocolate at 9?)
when I have chocolate the day after I can be argumentative so I can see how your sons behaviour could change.
They have totally disrespected you and it would a firm lc from me.

You need to leave your DH. He is abusive controlling, and isolating you and the children from your family. He is not a good husband, he is not a good father. Please seek help to leave him.

I've just read your previous thread about the baby change table. You've got far bigger problems than chocolate, OP. Please, please seek help from Women's Aid to get you and your DC to safety.

So he's now banned from seeing his gran for a YEAR, because she gave him some chocolate? You and your partner are being ridiculous and probably creating eating issues in your child, just supervise him better when around your mum.

jesus 🙄 I’d not even seen your comment before i wrote mine

can spot it a mile off

It's not over ONE chocolate bar though is it. That's not the issue. It's multiple chocolate bars, multiple days for months and the second time it's happened. It's lying to my face multiple times, it's teaching me child it's ok for him to lie if it's for something he wants. It's breaking my trust when they promised it wouldn't happen again.

You're falling out with your family over a few bits of chocolate?

Is your "DH" abusive in other ways, OP? Because your posts are screaming LTB.

You are being unreasonable that you are expecting your son to follow your food preferences both in and out of the home - that will not continue to happen. It doesn't sound like an allergy but simply your own decision. At 9, a child will be in situations where they can choose their own food - at parties, in a shop with friends, etc. I can understand you'd be annoyed at his grandparents, but you cannot expect that your son will not ever eat the foods you don't want him to.
I say this as a vegetarian who mainly cooked vegetarian meals at home - my children are both big meat eaters now because they made their own choice and this mostly started with trying different foods at places away from home.

Did your husband convince you of that?

This 💯. Encouraging a child to deceive parents is a big problem to me.

Stop being so controlling over what your son can eat when he's not in your home, then. He's 9 - more than capable of deciding for himself what chocolate he wants to eat.

You're not listening OP.

This isn't about chocolate is it?

Even when the parents are being controlling and one partner is potentially abusive?

My daughter had a friend with control freak parents who wouldn’t allow their children to eat chocolate or crisps. My daughter felt sorry for her and used to take an extra little Freddo or something to school with her once a week or so. I didn’t find out until she told me recently. I thought it was quite sweet of her.

When I was growing up, a girl I knew was never allowed anything at all that her parents deemed unhealthy. As soon as she got old enough to buy food herself, she went overboard buying a ridiculous amount of junk food. That continued and she quickly went from being a healthy weight to being morbidly obese.

Stop being weird, OP! Your son isn’t going to get Diabetes from having chocolate in moderation. Your healthy chocolate probably tastes vile. Get him a selection box for Christmas and chill out!