AIBU Christmas cancelled - family fall out

[Whiteoleander2]

Background - we changed our lifestyle and DSs last year, there's specific foods now our DS are not allowed especially not regular and not without permission from us first. Last year just before Christmas we found out my mum and my grandad had been giving DS specific foods he was not allowed and also telling him not to tell us and lie. OH banned them from Christmas day, they visited Christmas eve eve instead to do gifts and they flew to Spain for Christmas and new year. It took quite some time afterwards to build up the trust, they swore it wouldn't happen again. Well we was all planned and ready for Christmas. Mum was going to cook at mine and host grandad too. Well OH had suspected for some time that my mum or grandad had been feeding DS things he's not allowed. DS kept denying it when asked but OH said he can tell when DS is lying. I even asked my mum multiple times to her face and she kept telling me she hadn't given him anything. I've been backing my mum and grandad to my OH insisting they haven't and it's now come out they have been doing it for the past 3/4 months and again telling DS not to tell us and keep it a secret. I'm obviously upset/disappointed and OH is even more annoyed. I've had to cancel Christmas dinner at mine with them but feel really sad, not about my grandad as we aren't close and he recently shouted at me over a meal out because he doesn't agree with said food choices for our DS which are nothing to do with him and I find it extremely rude he started shouting at me in the middle of a restaurant but I feel sad about my mum. OH thinks I should just let them give presents at the door and not even let them in the house and he doesn't want DS to see my mum for a year (our son was doing a lot better previously not seeing my mum/grandad) his focus, behavior, attitude all changed and improved but he does enjoy seeing them both. I obviously don't trust my mum alone with my DS anymore. They'd recently booked to take DS abroad next year which I've had to tell DS he won't be going now. In part it is DS fault too, he's 9 and knows he shouldn't be eating those foods nor lying to us.
AIBU to have cancelled Christmas with them?
WWYD in this situation?
How do I move forward with my mum or do I not?

Your OH is an abusive a hole who is trying to remove your family from you.

Your ‘healthy’ lifestyle choices are driving your son into a future unhealthy relationship with food.

please get out of this situation.

They are telling him to lie so his dad doesn’t kick off I assume !!! Whole sale ban of chocolate is likely going to cause issues in later life. I don’t see the issue, unless they are giving him a large bar of dairy milk daily. Also who bans chocolate at Christmas ???? Life is too short to cut off family over something so silly.

You do realise you're punishing him for eating the chocolate?

Op please make another account and read the comments when the monster isn’t there. I’ve been there and judging by your replies I know he’s watching what you put. This isn’t about chocolate and you know it. You’re in a tough situation. I wish you get the help and freedom you deserve. Your child and unborn child deserve to grow up in a world where they are safe, loved and free

It’s plain to me that your OH is controlling and is using the chocolate thing as a way to isolate you from your family. Your son having some chocolate now and again isn’t going to give him diabetes. What will actually happen is as soon as he is old enough to purchase chocolate himself he will gorge himself in secret every chance he gets. And what happens when your husband starts insisting he cut out other things “for his health”. You’re setting your kid up for an unhealthy relationship with food and a childhood in a controlling and abusive home. You need to wake up now.

This reeks of a coercive controlling relationship.

I think you’re being very very unreasonable - you’re seriously banning your mum at Christmas because she’s allowed your son to have chocolate? Of course she was wrong to do so if that’s what you’ve decided but what bearing does that have on her spending Christmas Day with you? If she will be in your house they you will be able to make sure that your son doesn’t consume any chocolate. I’m also very puzzled about why your mum was expected to cook the Christmas meal at your house?

If you’ve actually told your mum that she can’t come on Christmas Day because of this, then I think you need to apologise for being such an arsehole.

You're setting yourselves up for failure here. I can assure you you will have some real issues to deal with as your son gets older, not trivial ones like this. You're really prepared to fall out with your family over this? I feel sorry for your little boy - lighten up, it's Christmas and he's a little boy!!! I've never read such controlling, infantile nonsense.

You should be this concerned about your child growing up around abuse.

I think this is so sad. You're going to look back and realise depriving and ruining relationships your son has with grandparents is far more harmful than any chocolate bar. I suspect your son isn't going to thank you much either.

There's many people on here who go far down the UPF bandwagon they lose all sight and perspective of everything else that makes for good health and wellbeing . We need social connections and good mental wellbeing as well. You can eat all the healthy food in the world but if its causing this much stress and your son to lose out on memories with grandparents then it must be counterproductive.

I think from the first post we can see the husband is the issue. Anyway, I had 2 friends growing up (they are siblings) that had a very restricted diet, couldn’t eat any sweets, chocolate, cookies, etc. As soon as they were in charge of their food as adults they just started eating all the restricted food in huge amounts and now they are both extremely overweight and with a lot of health issues associated with that.

If you'd explained this in your OP that it's due to him being very high risk for developing diabetes, then your poll would have had a very different outcome.

(as otherwise you're just coming across as some bat shit crazy over-sensitive parent!)

Obviously you need to put his health first, and not only have they put his health at risk, they have lied to your face about it, and also asked a 9 year old to lie which is awful.

I would let them come round for Christmas day, but I certainly wouldn't let him spend any time alone with them. Why would you want to do something that puts your own grandchild at risk??

poor kid. sigh. a wee bit choc is fine.

an excess of anything is bad for us.
all things in moderation etc.

How often does he see the grandparents? the way you are talking the grandparents must have been feeding him two or three bars a day every day. Not one bar on a saturday when they babysit or something? more info reqd on how often and how much chocolate they feed him.

the trouble with taking this extreme attitude is that moderation goes out the window and the good cop becomes more good and the bad cop becomes even more bad to compensate.

No chocolate for a nine year old is fucking ridiculous. As is shite healthy chocolate. who wants that.

better the grandparents get told he has an allocation of chocolate per week because it’s bad for us and he has to not have more because it’s bad impacts his health. eg one Freddo size bar a day or whatever thats equivalent to one a week, etc. and they can give that out if they want but no more as it’s causing issues at school.

the lying is a problem. as is your DH.
does he control your weight?
does he dictate what you do? think about how many things he tells you how and when to do compared to what you did before you met him. is it really all him and his ways? what happens if you challenge them?

OP i would urge you to think about the impact living with this man is having on your child’s life and behaviour rather than focusing on the impact of chocolate. You are being brainwashed in a determined attempt to isolate you from any support you have.

Your mum probably sees this and is doing anything she can to brighten your son’s day.

As a grandparent I try to adhere to parents wishes. We don't give them chocolate because we don't buy it for ourselves. I'd be upset if my grandson was putting on weight because of my stubborn attitude.

I'd be terribly upset if I was banned from seeing them.

On the other hand the parents are buying some sort of chocolate they approve of. How confusing is that for a young child.

What a mess this family has got themselves into over a sweet.

Does your DS go to school? Are you as particular when it comes to parties, school pudding and school events?

Christmas presents at the door! Wow your Hubby sounds lovely!

you say you have changed your lifestyle so I’m taking this as something along the lines of you no longer eat meat or something similar. Your child is eating it, the fact he is having to lie about it makes me think this will lead to issues with his eating in the future. Sounds a bit crazy to me and it seems your mum and grandad think/feel the same. The probs pity the child for wanting something he can’t have hence why they keep giving it to him, doesn’t sound like they are being mean.

Yes it was OH's choice. I was pregnant at the time so I was expected to follow it for the baby/pregnancy and DS is expected to follow it too. I've always been more lenient in that if we go out for a meal or on holiday we can have donuts for example. I do agree with keeping the food as clean as possible for the most part, but obviously with Christmas and birthdays I'm not that strict. It's more that my mum knows the situation with my OH and she's now made sure she can't be support for me either because she knows what he's like and it's not like if he's out of the picture I'd particularly want her around either now due to the lack of trust and her also disrespecting what id asked and lying to me. I just feel like it's a shit place to be between them both I now feel even more alone. My dad made me cut contact with my grandma when I was around 13 and it had a massive impact on my relationships with people growing up so I'd obviously put my feelings aside for Christmas day for my son and then going forward do less contact and supervised visits but OH is extremely against ofc

The people causing the worst issues with chocolate/diabetes etc is you and your partner.

Banning food is making it into a bigger deal. Of course he’ll want it.

Your reaction is way over the top regarding Christmas etc. I feel sorry for your son - as soon as he’s older if he’ll binge on chocolate, get overweight and ill etc you’ll only have your leaves to blame, and the relationship you have cultivated between DS and food

I've read your other thread. OP this is not normal, the way he treats you is not okay, this is getting steadily worse and it's only a matter of time until he starts to hit you and then it's a matter of time before he kills you. Get out of that relationship and do it quickly.

I've also read the previous threads.

Please leave OP.

Your mum isn’t bowing to your demands because she knows it’s coming from your abusive OH and she isn’t willing to be drawn into his control. Good for her. Leave him now, stay with her or ask her for help to stay somewhere else. He’s harming you all psychologically and I reckon it won’t be long till it’s physical too if it isn’t already. He’s deliberately trying to ruin Christmas for you and your children and you’re letting him. After the new year you need social work intervention to get into another home if he won’t leave the one you’re in now.

Eesh

Finally the voice of reason.
And The lies alone are bad enough.

I wouldn’t be standing on a doorstep to hand presents over and then having the door shut on me.
What about school? this time of year chocolate and sweet treats are given out a lot. Does you son miss his turn getting the advent chocolate in his class. Educate your son on healthy eating, then start trusting him to make good choices.