For not reporting male colleague's inappropriate behaviour?

[Eli9]

My colleague has been behaving inappropriately for a long while. He comments on what I’m wearing every time he sees me, noticing tiny details, for example, he once said, “Your earrings are in the shape of a bow,” and another time asked if I’d dyed my hair because it looked lighter. He once said he remembers the first time he saw me; I was wearing such and such top.

He’s done things like walk me to the staff room and then tell another colleague, “I escorted X downstairs as if she doesn’t know the building.” I’ve also found him sitting alone in my classroom, even though he doesn’t teach there. He once stood outside my classroom watching me teach, then commented that my class was very engaged and suggested I should be appointed to teach a certain category of students to improve retention. Multiple times, he's said X and X colleague have said they love working with you.

He’s asked me out a few times. First for a drink, I said no. Months later he asked for coffee, I said no-I’m always busy. He offered to buy me coffee, I said no, I have my own hot drink.

On one occasion, he came to my staff room when I was feeling unwell and said, “You look fantastic for someone who’s sick.” The other day after buying what I needed in the cafeteria, I left without saying bye, went up the stairs and I noticed him looking for me, he even went down a flight of stairs and back up trying to find me.

He’s looked at my timetable and commented on my hours this term. He told me he’s single and has no children, even though I never asked. Yesterday in the staff room, I said I was looking forward to the winter break and having nothing to do. He replied, “I can’t imagine a single mother having nothing to do,” and immediately apologised. I’ve never told him I’m single, so it felt like he was trying to find out my relationship status. Later, he commented on how casually I was dressed and said, “I’ll let you go before I say something I shouldn’t.”

I haven’t reported him because I’m a contractor, so I don’t work every term and we aren't in the same team. I’ve been avoiding him as much as possible. I've ignored him multiple times. Looked at him with disgust and he still goes on. He’s been at the organisation for 12 years, is well-liked, and is doing funded research, so disciplinary action would have serious consequences for him. I don't want to be the person to ruin this for him as he's been working on this for 6 years. I’m also afraid of how other colleagues might see me, because I’m the youngest in the school. They might think I’ve brought this on myself and side with him. If that happened, I’d have to leave the workplace, but I can’t, as I need the experience to progress in my career.

He’s 15 years older than me, and although he hasn’t said this, I suspect he may be looking for a younger woman who could have children.

You are in a difficult position here. In an ideal world, we'd all like to think if we reported harassment to HR, it would-be investigated properly, without biased. Unfortunately, that's not always the case, and as this colleague is a permanent member of staff, who's worked there for 12 years, more senior, currently raising money and is clearly well thought of - it's possibly he could spin his narrative, blaming the OP. Comments on earrings I wouldn't feel are particularly inappropriate but I would feel extremely uncomfortable knowing he may appear in my classroom, has looked at my timetable and hunts around the school for me - that's inappropriate and bordering on stalking. However, when you join the dots and look at the individual incidents as a whole, then yes it's harassment. I agree with you OP, after asking you out 3 times, and you've refused, most men would take the hint. I think you are going to have to deal with any incidents as an when they happen - be polite but firm. With men like this you don't know how he will react - retreat and ignore you or become angry at your rejection as his ego is bruised and start being an arse. You need to start making a note of any incidents - facts, date, time and your response.

He's targeted you for this behaviour because you're a woman, younger, junior and not a permanent member of staff.

It's not a coincidence, he's abusing his power and he knows it.

I would consider emailing HR and requesting an informal chat. Describe your issue and ask them how they advise you to move forward.

He may have form for this behaviour. Its possible others have left, rather than deal with it.

I understand your concerns about raising this, but even as a contractor, you have the right not to be harassed.

Anyone on this thread who thinks you just need to "tell him firmly" has clearly never been in a delicate workplace situation and lacks the imagination to see how precarious your position could be.

It makes me so cross that women still have to deal with this nonsense from men although I agree with PPs who think there may be a neurodiversity issue I'm this case.

OP, I had good advice from HR when a male colleague was saying inappropriate things: as sexual harassment is unwanted attention of a sexual nature, you have to spell out what you do not want, so there can be no doubt. Saying 'It makes me uncomfortable' is woolly. Instead, say something along the lines of 'I do not want you to make any comments about my appearance, my clothes or my jewellery. I do not want you to try and spend 1:1 time with me or ask me out. I do not want you to talk about me to colleagues.' I would also say, given your comment about his career: 'I hope what I have said will put a stop to you speaking and acting in a way I find inappropriate. If it doesn't, I will be talking to HR for advice on what to do next.'

In my case, which involved me saying 'I do not want you ever to speculate about my sex life in front of colleagues, or make suggestions about your belief that I am having a sexual relationship with a colleague', it worked immediately. Black and white is your friend.

If you haven't already, join a union. It might be in HR's interest to take his side and try to discredit your claims, but if they are found to be doing that without a fair investigation then they could get into serious trouble. He is a senior colleague and holds greater power; that should be taken into consideration when investigating any claims he might make against you, or any you might make against him. A union will hold HR to account and make sure that they're not just making a decision to uphold the existing status quo.

Write down everything he does, particularly if there are others around who might have heard him. If you have any emails or digital communication from him, make sure they're saved somewhere.

He sounds like a creep, and you absolutely have a right to tell him he's making you uncomfortable, without fear of retaliation.

When I was younger I had things like this, and “hinting” and saying you’re busy really isn’t the best way to stop it. You have to say you’re not interested. You think you’ve been clear, but saying you’re busy isn’t saying “no, I’m not interested”, or saying “we” is not saying “my partner and I”. Leave no doubt.

I wouldn't lie about being in a relationship. You're allowed to just not be interested. Lying hurts your credibility. The other coworker may have told him you're divorcing or single.

Exactly. In the real world, men back off when they know that there's another male hanging around.

You need to say to his face - VERY CALMLY and in front of another person.

Jut tell him straight you do not like his attention and if he continues, you will report him.

Tell somebody else at work about it, and about what you intend to say. Someone who is confidential, who won't discuss elsewhere.

Then see how it goes. That may well stop him, let's hope so. If not, report him. Nobody wants to be a grass but his behaviour is unacceptable; at the moment he is walking close to the line, best to stop it now before he goes too far,

Good luck.

I can understand your concerns regarding retaliation if you were to report him.

But you could make a preemptive strike by emailing HR and asking for a copy of their Sexual Harassment policy. If you're in the UK I believe they're legally obliged to have one. You don't have to give them a reason for requesting it.

That way you've opened a door and inferred there's an issue without naming anyone.

Then you wait for his next inappropriate comment and you politely but firmly tell him how uncomfortable his behaviour makes you and that it has to stop. You are work colleagues, nothing more.

If he retaliates you've already approached HR suggesting there's an issue.

Exactly!

I don’t understand what kind of bullying he could report you for? I would go to HR, say XX has been asking you out for months, you’ve said no but he pays you a lot of attention and you feel uncomfortable, so you’re going to have a chat with him today. Then tell him straight you’re in a relationship and it makes you uncomfortable that he pays you a lot of attention, you would like to get on with your work and not have work buddies. If he goes to HR then they have been forewarned that there might be fallout from the conversation.

But don’t go to HR saying he looks at your ears or he comments on your timetable because these little things dilute your message and aren’t really the problem. All together I can understand it makes you uncomfortable, but I would start with the “I’ll let you go before I say something I shouldn’t” comment because complimenting earrings is not really anything compared to that

Some of the comments here! It is absolutely not ok for a man to make remarks about a woman's earrings or the shade of her hair. Particularly when it's part of a pattern of, frankly, intrusive and badgering behaviour. How many women comment on the stage of a man's beard regrowth or the colour of the stripes in his shirt or whatever? It's just fucking weird and intrusive, unless you're already friends and have some sort of established mutual exchange going on. It's a man thing and it's appalling. If he knows he's making her uncomfortable, it's appalling. If he doesn't know he's making her uncomfortable, it's still appalling, but for different reasons. The OP should not have to feel uncomfortable going into work every day. And it's awful that she's scared to rock the boat in case she is the one in the firing line.

I realise that my post offers nothing in the way of advice. I'm 58 and faced this type of behaviour when in my twenties and thirties and did nothing. Mostly because I felt like I was the one in the wrong for not feeling flattered. Such were the 1980s/1990s. This should not be happening in 2025.

Lacking in real world? Is this pot kettle black? How ‘dangerous’ are these comments in an academic setting? Seriously. You are catastrophising to make a point. Any HR manager would ask in the first question ‘did you tell him to stop’.

I agree about focusing on the worst stuff, but no woman should have to pretend to colleagues that she's in a relationship to stop harassment. This is a work situation, not a one off when it might be the quickest to say to get rid of someone. Her personal life is none of her colleagues' business and being single does not mean it's a free for all for any Tom Dick or Harry to have a go.

Do schools actually have HR departments btw? Who would it be reported to? What's the general culture in the school? As that can also have an impact on how best to approach it.

I've had certain fellow female colleagues comment on their male colleagues' personal appearance in exactly the way you're suggesting, I'm afraid, including in ways that nobody would accept the other way round so saying that it's only ever men who do it isn't strictly true. It's not by any means "worse" and doesn't happen nearly as much but it DOES happen and is often equally squirmy for the recipient. This guy sounds like a dick and needs some boundaries set, through official channels if he persists, but it isn't just about men - it's about professional boundaries fullstop that should apply to all who work at the school.

Hopefully the school does have an employee policy about this in general, whether it's through an HR department or not, and that's what needs to be applied if this is going to be escalated effectively.

I think what i might do is go to HR and say that you're getting unwanted attention which feels like harassment and that you don't want to put a complaint in at the moment but will be monitoring the situation and what would they advise.

OP this is a horrible position to be in, unfortunately I’ve had it happen more than once (I worked in an organisation where, unfortunately, this sort of stuff was so common it was almost the culture of the place that women would get harassed).

one I told in no uncertain terms to go away, he did. The other I reported and it wasn’t very pleasant, so I do understand why you don’t want to. what I reported was physical as well as the sort of things you’re describing, the worst thing was that other women told me I was “ruining things” by reporting it.

I would be wary of inventing a partner - that can make some of these men become jealous and nasty, and that can go very wrong indeed.

Start keeping a diary - a factual note of what he did and how it made you feel. It sounds like a lot but if it all goes too far you will be glad you did. If you feel like you can, tell him to stop (I get the sense you’re not confident to do that, which is also ok).

You could also seek advice from a specialist support line - there are a few, it’s totally confidential and you might get some ideas from them or help clarify your options for next steps

That way you can make it clear you are off the market without actually saying that you have no interest in him.

What's wrong with saying she's got no interest in him?

Someone could be very much on the market, in terms of going out on dates every night, and on every dating site there is, and they are still absolutely have the right not to be interested in any particular individual just because that individual is interested in them, and once told, that individual should accept it and step back.

Many years ago (probably the last millineum,) I had sexual harassment training at work - it was clear that it was okay to ask someone out at work*, but if they said no, so be it - to ask again would be harassment.

• There are exceptions - I've worked for companies which forbid relationships between staff at different levels of the same reporting line, and also certain roles like audit weren't allowed relationships with other staff.

HR are not there to support employees (still less contractors) but to,protect the organisation. Sometimes the interests may coincide, sometimes not

You can discuss this with HR, and tell them it makes you feel uncomfortable, but that you don’t want them to take any action. That way it is logged, and if anything further happens, you can add to it.

OP is not an employee

OP needs to clarify what duty of care the employing organisation has towards her as a contractor.

No he doesn't! As OP has explicitly stated, they're adults

I don’t work in a school, but I volunteer-teach a once-a-week art class for middle-schoolers at my daughter’s school. I think that when it’s not part of a larger pattern, there’s nothing wrong with saying “I like your earrings” or “I like your necklace/purse/shoes” if the accessory in question is unusual and clearly meant to be noticed.

For example, I have big earrings that look like gingerbread men. Clearly, I want people to notice those. Also, the fact that it’s an accessory is important. An accessory doesn’t reflect anything about someone’s body or body shape. The complimenter would presumably like it whether it was worn by a sexy young woman or a ninety-year-old grandmother.

In OP’s case, I think that if she’s telling someone about this man, the bit about her earrings is distracting from the more serious behavior. It would be more concise and to the point to say something like, “He makes frequent comments about how I look and what I’m wearing,” and keep any examples to the ones that are more sexually suggestive. Even if her bow earrings are tiny, most people are not going to see a comment about earrings as all that significant.