For not reporting male colleague's inappropriate behaviour?

[Eli9]

My colleague has been behaving inappropriately for a long while. He comments on what I’m wearing every time he sees me, noticing tiny details, for example, he once said, “Your earrings are in the shape of a bow,” and another time asked if I’d dyed my hair because it looked lighter. He once said he remembers the first time he saw me; I was wearing such and such top.

He’s done things like walk me to the staff room and then tell another colleague, “I escorted X downstairs as if she doesn’t know the building.” I’ve also found him sitting alone in my classroom, even though he doesn’t teach there. He once stood outside my classroom watching me teach, then commented that my class was very engaged and suggested I should be appointed to teach a certain category of students to improve retention. Multiple times, he's said X and X colleague have said they love working with you.

He’s asked me out a few times. First for a drink, I said no. Months later he asked for coffee, I said no-I’m always busy. He offered to buy me coffee, I said no, I have my own hot drink.

On one occasion, he came to my staff room when I was feeling unwell and said, “You look fantastic for someone who’s sick.” The other day after buying what I needed in the cafeteria, I left without saying bye, went up the stairs and I noticed him looking for me, he even went down a flight of stairs and back up trying to find me.

He’s looked at my timetable and commented on my hours this term. He told me he’s single and has no children, even though I never asked. Yesterday in the staff room, I said I was looking forward to the winter break and having nothing to do. He replied, “I can’t imagine a single mother having nothing to do,” and immediately apologised. I’ve never told him I’m single, so it felt like he was trying to find out my relationship status. Later, he commented on how casually I was dressed and said, “I’ll let you go before I say something I shouldn’t.”

I haven’t reported him because I’m a contractor, so I don’t work every term and we aren't in the same team. I’ve been avoiding him as much as possible. I've ignored him multiple times. Looked at him with disgust and he still goes on. He’s been at the organisation for 12 years, is well-liked, and is doing funded research, so disciplinary action would have serious consequences for him. I don't want to be the person to ruin this for him as he's been working on this for 6 years. I’m also afraid of how other colleagues might see me, because I’m the youngest in the school. They might think I’ve brought this on myself and side with him. If that happened, I’d have to leave the workplace, but I can’t, as I need the experience to progress in my career.

He’s 15 years older than me, and although he hasn’t said this, I suspect he may be looking for a younger woman who could have children.

Get a copy of the grievance procedure. It's normal for the majority of things to be started informally (you don't have to, but if you then go on to formal grievance, it can be asked why nothing had been said before/why you went straight to nuclear - and the documentation of an informal conversation and email provides greater weight in a formal investigation).

A good employer will immediately start an investigation on the basis of an informal disclosure, but if they don't, you can submit your formal grievance and they have to hold an investigation then. This may resolve the matter, but also provides for the option to proceed to the next stage if either it doesn't stop or you aren't happy with how it was dealt with.

The advantage of the grievance is that it provides employers who would like to take action against somebody who they know is doing wrong (but can't prove it without witnesses or a formal complaint from the victims) with solid evidence.

I disagree. When you show someone you are assertive and can stand up for yourself they are less likely to go up against you.

If you show weakness by meekly saying nothing to ward off his attention, he will feel more empowered to pursue you further.

No man wants it made public to his coworkers that he was spurned by a woman, so you do actually have more power to wield.

I think it’s a leap between offering you a coffee and you seeing that as being asked on a date. If a female colleague had said all of these things you would just think it’s being friendly. I can’t see any mention of anything sexual or even romantic really from what you’ve said

I would email him a personal polite letter clearly stating why he makes you feel uncomfortable and to please stop I would keep that letter as evidence just in case this ever escalates. He may not mean harm but sounds like one of those socially akward clueless men.

Its understandable why it’s difficult to deal with inappropriate comments at the time. In a normal working day it can take a few moments to register when it shifts because something inappropriate has happened. I’ve experienced this too from a person who was in a position of authority, in an environment where this sort of thing, plus physical stuff, was accepted (I was the only woman there).

Please start by documenting everything. Write an account of what has happened in the past. Email it to yourself and a trusted friend so it has a time stamp. From today onwards do a similar email noting what happens on the day it happens. This may provide dated evidence if he ever takes this further.

Does he have a line manager you can ask for an informal chat? You could even bring up unwanted attention as an issue without naming him, asking the m to deal with it in a general/ training/ non- blaming way.

Please take care of yourself x

Some situations require you to be absolutely direct and say please stop this is making me uncomfortable etc. Declining meeting outside of work due to "being busy" or rejecting a drink as "you already have one" are not direct no's. He is clearly a bit lacking in perception or perhaps thinks you are shy/unsure about dating a colleague etc. If you had outright spoken to him in plain English and he still continues then this would be a different story however to have not done so but instead consider running to HR is incredibly weak. Gosh I often think my great grandmother's generation were stronger women than we are now sadly.

You are the second poster coming up with the same 'don't go running to HR' bollocks. What do you think they are there for?
Well, they’re not there to act as a mouthpiece for people who choose not to speak for themselves

Oh come on

If you don’t want anyone to look at your ears, why wear earrings in the first place? No one should see them, right? 🙄

A lot of your problems with this guy are completely legitimate. He shouldn’t be following you around, making comments about your relationship status, hanging out in your classroom when you don’t want him there, et cetera. But whatever you end up doing about this situation, saying things like “he shouldn’t have been looking at my ears” is going to make you sound deranged and distract people from the fact that his actually objectionable unwanted conduct is a serious problem.

Im sorry but no clear English doesnt always work. I have been harassed at work by a male colleague. I told him he was irritating me, that I didnt want to talk to him but nothing worked. I got my manager involved but he still made attempts to speak to me all the time. And as the OP is worried about him turning it round on her, this person also tried to turn everything around on me. It wasn't true, I was purposefully not doing things for his area but was for others (I wasnt). He was bad mouthing me to other colleagues to make him look better. Luckily for me, not many people like him and when I decided to tell people they were very supportive. He even made my male colleagues life at work awful because we were close and he was jealous.

So stop victim blaming. Some men are creeps and only care about themselves and what they want.

Are you being purposefully obtuse?

It’s not about her sodding earrings. If he’d only ever once commented on her earrings and wasn’t doing anything else to make her feel uncomfortable then I doubt she’d have a problem with him. The earrings thing is one of a dozen examples where he’s paying very close attention to her appearance. Take any of those things individually and they might not sound like much, but put them all together and it’s quite concerning.

OP, I think it’s time to go to HR. Write a statement setting out all of the times he’s done something or said something (with dates and the names of people who were there if you can remember) so it’s very clear that this is a sustained and ongoing pattern of behaviour, rather than the odd comment that might have been misunderstood. Yes, he might be a permanent member of staff, but that doesn’t mean that he gets to make female members of staff feel uncomfortable or harassed in the workplace. That’s the quickest way for them to end up in front of a tribunal and they won’t want that any more than you do.

If you don’t want to do that, then I think your only other option is to give him a hard stare and say ‘That’s inappropriate. Your attention is not welcome’ any time he says anything remotely concerning to you.

I think there are some aspects that likely cross a line but tbh op, you're quite clearly super tuned into the situation and I also think you're overthinking/over reacting to some things.

Passing on positive comments colleagues have made about you. A compliment on student engagement and suggestion you'd do well with x cohort. Mentioning you've dyed your hair or commenting on unusual earrings. Unless he had his hand down his pants at the same time, these are entirely boring and normal.

By all means keep a log and then report but my honest opinion is that including examples like the above will do nothing but damage your credibility.

If you report someone for inappropriate behaviour, including 'omg he told me I was really well liked and doing a great job' is going to mark you out as a nutter to be quietly got rid of.

I’d like to add that the earrings were pretty small, and I had my hair down, so for him to really check me out in detail or notice the earrings I was wearing is strange. I mentioned this incident to show how he fully checks me out from head to toe and doesn’t miss a thing. He once felt my coat at the back of my chair and a scarf I was actually wearing; I said, 'What are you doing?' and pulled my scarf away. He said, 'Oh, sorry, it just feels nice and warm.'

Thank you for all the useful suggestions and advice. I think I’ll wait for him to make a comment about my appearance or anything I deem inappropriate , and then say that it makes me feel uncomfortable, lie and say I have a partner or am back with my husband.
I think it’s right that I have to be very very clear.

Because on their own they are minor things but constant feels overwhelming and awkward like harrassment.

It's that feeling of being constantly watched and assessed by someone who wants something from you that you don't want to give. And they are senior to you. It may not seem much, and each small interaction is nothing in itself but they stack up to create an atmosphere of predator and prey. No one should have to deal with this at work or in training. Everyone should be free to focus on the job they are there to do.

I had a guy like this and it was awful as we are trained to be ‘nice’. I remember him moving my hair behind my ear. I was worried I was imagining it.

Exactly and the fact it’s constant minor’ things makes you feel you cant report it and youre just going crazy. If he did something overt jt would be easier to report. Be confident in yourself op,
for all of us.

This is good advice

Speak to him first….Tell him not to make personal comments…if he argues or moans, stay polite….tell him if he won’t comply with your request , you will report him. A friend of mine shamed a work colleague by shouting loudly in a half crowded room …..
“I have told you before, stop with your personal comments”…
You could hear a pin drop, she said….but the harassment stopped.

The OP explicitly said that they were interested in alternative approaches.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

peak Mumsnet shithousery. Looking at ears even though the OP is wearing Christmas bow earrings, is forbidden. why do you wear earrings if you don't want people to look at them?

or do you wEaR tHeM fOr yOuRsElF

As it's gone on, I think you need to say to him 'I've been meaning to say for a while the way you speak to me makes me feel uncomfortable - I'd don't want you to comment on my appearance, or my holiday plans, or my teaching schedule any more. We're colleagues and it's just not appropriate'

I think this is good. Clear, concise and spells out that it's inappropriate between colleagues.