to withdraw my daughter from nursery

[MethodHandbag]

My daughter (14mo) has been at nursery since September, she enjoys it and is thriving.

There have been a number of Christmas events that parents can attend (stay and plays, Christmas fairs, carols) at the nursery, some I have attended and some I haven’t due to work.

My friend’s daughter is also in the same room as my girl, she recently reshared a video her friend had filmed of her older daughter (two rooms older than my daughter) singing in the carol service. Behind her but almost more in full view is my daughter.

We do not share photos of my daughter online, we don’t even share her name online. Nursery have a firm policy that they do not allow filming on the premises and reiterate it before events.

I messaged the woman on Instagram asking her to remove the video but she hasn’t opened the message as far as I can tell.
Nursery say there isn’t much they can do now other than ask her to remove the video when her child next attends.

I am absolutely livid that my child has been shared online without my consent (which they would never, ever receive anyway) and now feel like nursery cannot keep her safe.

AIBU to seriously consider removing her from the setting?

You can remove her.

but any nursery will have exactly the same issue. They can have a policy asking for no filming but if parents break it there is very little they can actually do.

No I wouldn’t remove her but I would be having strong words with the woman in question.

You’re cutting your nose off to spite your face. You are entitled raise it with the nursery as a safeguarding concern. You can also contact the platform provider and ask them to remove a video if it puts your child in danger. But ultimately you’re not guaranteed it’ll be better at any other nursery, or school.

I would expect the nursery to handle this; the woman who recorded the carol service is clearly in contravention of their safeguarding policy, and they need to step up and enforce consequences.

That isn’t the nursery's fault, it’s the parent who posted it.

Unfortunately all schools can do is make the announcement, stop people if they see it, and consider banning that person from future performances. They can't physically stop someone from doing it.

Was this a closed account or open? Makes a difference because sharing with someone who couldn’t make it due to work on a closed account isn’t the same as the whole world being able to access it. Also please understand that someone filming secretly could happen at any nursery, they haven’t shared her name either, try to keep perspective. The nursery has said they will ask her to take the video off, what more can they do? Try to remember your daughter is enjoying the nursery and until this point you were happy. Images in this day and age will get shared accidentally from time to time, we need to keep perspective

I work in a school office and have had to call parents to remove videos and pictures from social media. It’s infuriating. We tell them they can’t do this, and they still do.

Thanks everyone. I suppose you’re right, they can’t physically prevent them from filming anywhere.

I was an abused child and I’m very over protective (I’m working on it!) but this feels like it crosses a massive line for me. I feel so sick.

Our nursery offers term time only and all year round and apparently this parent is on term time only and her LO finished yesterday, so I can’t even approach her in person.

I don’t particularly want to drag our mutual friend into it as she is recently bereaved.

Ps we had a child at my DD’s school who couldn’t be filmed or even included in the programme for safety reasons (police reasons, real danger) so the school filmed productions and edited/blurred as needed. It wasn’t considered a safeguarding risk to film children without specific reasons, though last names were never used for credits etc

I work in early yearsand before concerts we always tell parents they can take photos and film but just not post on social media as we have a safeguarding duty to keep all children safe and by posting on social media this might compromise the safety of some children.

This isnt the nursery's fault this is the fault of the parent who posted it online.

Livid? You're over-reacting. Most nurseries will allow filming of these events but ask you not to share online. Does this woman have a public or private instagram?

You really need to chill over this. DD participated in a team sport for many years where photos and videos taken were shared online. If you werent happy with this, you couldn't join the team.

Settings can ask people not to share videos on line but they can’t enforce it. Sadly some people don’t understand the very real reasons some people don’t want things sharing online. it’s frustrating but there is nothing at all you can do to change it

I don’t think it matters if it was closed (it was open), I don’t know her followers. We don’t even know what goes on in the homes of our closest friends and family.

If the nursery weren’t involved - then removing child seems a drastic step.

Realistically no one can feasibly stop others taking photos and videos subtly. It’s a hazard of modern life. No other activity in the outside world will not have the same risk.

Unfortunately this selfishness is the reason why children who are at risk of abduction, abuse don’t even take part in events as the risk is too great.

Seen your latest reply, in which you explain why it’s a trigger, but you do need to work on accepting that this life. My children have been at three nurseries and three primary schools across their lives and these slip ups occur, despite best feet forward. Make your complaints but don’t pull her from a nursery at which and is happy and settled – you will only find the same in any other setting.

It is worth keeping in mind that a toddler they don’t already know in the background on a video is going to be unidentifiable as your daughter.

I fully get why you don’t want things sharing but it sounds like in this case nobody would be able to identify her anyway unless they already know her.

It’s not just the identifying her thing. I
Last year a person a few towns over from us was convicted of making deep fake child sex abuse images with photos and videos people had sent him.
This is a real thing that happens now.

As I mentioned in my original post, my daughter is pretty much the main feature of the video (presumably because the woman was filming covertly and had to use a weird angle), she’s front and centre.

I think posting children online is child abuse.

You daughter is happy and thriving and fine there and this isn’t something that affects her so she needs to stay where she is.

because this is (an understandable) YOU problem and one you are going to need to work on because as much as Nursery/School/Clubs assert the boundary people are going to walk over them sadly (they shouldn’t but they will)

DD has a friend who was adopted via the LA and you would be amazed and how many times certain parents had to be informed to remove stuff of their children

You can remove your child for any reason, including this reason, but as someone else said, you cut off your nose to spite your face. All nurseries, schools etc will tell parents not to film / at least not to put it online, and there’ll always be the odd one who doesn’t listen. You can keep moving your child from one setting to another whenever this happens, but it might be better to be annoyed, do what you can to get it offline, silently curse the stupid cow who did it, and move on.

I think what happened to you in your childhood is skewing your opinion. Not even sharing your child's name is extreme. You do know that this is not secret information and birth marriage and death records are all in the public domain? Anyone could order a copy of your child's birth certificate and wouldn't even have to give a reason.

As for the social media posting, agree with others that this isn't a nursery problem, it's a problem with the other parent who has posted even though they were asked not to. It's a bit of a leap though assuming that anyone who saw the video of the other mother's child which inadvertently had yours in the background that they would even notice your child, or have any interest in them.

While I realise it’s your right I do find the preciousness surrounding this so over the top. What do you think will happen if someone sees your child?

I think posting children online is child abuse.

It's not.

If you approach other parents with that approach you are going to get nowhere and everyone is going to think you are unhinged. It's fair enough to say that you don't share pics/videos online and could they please take it down. But ranting about child abuse is just daft.

I don’t see how this helps your daughter. She may struggle with changing nurseries. It can happen anywhere.

Sorry to hear about your past. I wish you well 💐