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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to withdraw my daughter from nursery

213 replies

MethodHandbag · 13/12/2025 10:53

My daughter (14mo) has been at nursery since September, she enjoys it and is thriving.

There have been a number of Christmas events that parents can attend (stay and plays, Christmas fairs, carols) at the nursery, some I have attended and some I haven’t due to work.

My friend’s daughter is also in the same room as my girl, she recently reshared a video her friend had filmed of her older daughter (two rooms older than my daughter) singing in the carol service. Behind her but almost more in full view is my daughter.

We do not share photos of my daughter online, we don’t even share her name online. Nursery have a firm policy that they do not allow filming on the premises and reiterate it before events.

I messaged the woman on Instagram asking her to remove the video but she hasn’t opened the message as far as I can tell.
Nursery say there isn’t much they can do now other than ask her to remove the video when her child next attends.

I am absolutely livid that my child has been shared online without my consent (which they would never, ever receive anyway) and now feel like nursery cannot keep her safe.

AIBU to seriously consider removing her from the setting?

OP posts:
HarrietVain · 13/12/2025 11:22

I think posting children online is child abuse

No. The pervert who posted the deep fakes is in the wrong. Not parents happily posting videos of their children at normal happy events like a school or nativity play.

I wouldn't do it because it's not my thing but you need to keep a sense of perspective or your anxiety is going to rub off on your DC.

What will you do if you go on holiday and see a parent filming their kids have fun in the pool?

Original poster
MethodHandbag · 13/12/2025 11:23

SheinIsShite · 13/12/2025 11:16

I think what happened to you in your childhood is skewing your opinion. Not even sharing your child's name is extreme. You do know that this is not secret information and birth marriage and death records are all in the public domain? Anyone could order a copy of your child's birth certificate and wouldn't even have to give a reason.

As for the social media posting, agree with others that this isn't a nursery problem, it's a problem with the other parent who has posted even though they were asked not to. It's a bit of a leap though assuming that anyone who saw the video of the other mother's child which inadvertently had yours in the background that they would even notice your child, or have any interest in them.

The name thing I’m not so bothered about. People who are in her life know her name. My friends, my colleagues, my family.

I just didn’t do things like births announcement with name, DOB etc. and I’m well aware people can access those things from the registry office.

OP posts:
DustlandFairytaleBeginning · 13/12/2025 11:23

Your daughter isn't highlighted, named, publicised... just background. It's not great but I couldn't be upset about this. Your daughter will be filmed as background hundreds of times a day on ring doorbells and dash cams and cctv. I would be careful to try and keep the likelihood of harm vs the likelihood of making your child fearful and unsettled in balance. The balance here is not to upset your daughters life over a video with no real likelihood of harm I think.

JayJayj · 13/12/2025 11:24

You should be able to report the video for having your daughter in it without permission through facebook I believe.

Original poster
MethodHandbag · 13/12/2025 11:28

JayJayj · 13/12/2025 11:24

You should be able to report the video for having your daughter in it without permission through facebook I believe.

Thank you!
I think my husband still has a Facebook account, I will get him to look into that.

OP posts:
Catapultaway · 13/12/2025 11:28

MethodHandbag · 13/12/2025 11:13

It’s not just the identifying her thing. I
Last year a person a few towns over from us was convicted of making deep fake child sex abuse images with photos and videos people had sent him.
This is a real thing that happens now.

As I mentioned in my original post, my daughter is pretty much the main feature of the video (presumably because the woman was filming covertly and had to use a weird angle), she’s front and centre.

I think posting children online is child abuse.

If you think its 'child abuse' why would you have instagram and why would you be friends with someone who is sharing images of what you consider 'child abuse'.

I say this as someone who shares no pictutes of my child online, but i am not going to consider the 90% of people who do as child abusers. Thats rediculous.

Original poster
MethodHandbag · 13/12/2025 11:29

DustlandFairytaleBeginning · 13/12/2025 11:23

Your daughter isn't highlighted, named, publicised... just background. It's not great but I couldn't be upset about this. Your daughter will be filmed as background hundreds of times a day on ring doorbells and dash cams and cctv. I would be careful to try and keep the likelihood of harm vs the likelihood of making your child fearful and unsettled in balance. The balance here is not to upset your daughters life over a video with no real likelihood of harm I think.

I said in my first post “Behind her but almost more in full view is my daughter.”

OP posts:
Hiptothisjive · 13/12/2025 11:31

MethodHandbag · 13/12/2025 11:00

Thanks everyone. I suppose you’re right, they can’t physically prevent them from filming anywhere.

I was an abused child and I’m very over protective (I’m working on it!) but this feels like it crosses a massive line for me. I feel so sick.

Our nursery offers term time only and all year round and apparently this parent is on term time only and her LO finished yesterday, so I can’t even approach her in person.

I don’t particularly want to drag our mutual friend into it as she is recently bereaved.

This is the problem with videos and social media. If you took your daughter to the park and a stranger filmed then they could post this online legally. That’s just the world we live in now. I know the nursery is a protected setting but it would be the same at every nursery - and wait until you get to school.

Original poster
MethodHandbag · 13/12/2025 11:32

Catapultaway · 13/12/2025 11:28

If you think its 'child abuse' why would you have instagram and why would you be friends with someone who is sharing images of what you consider 'child abuse'.

I say this as someone who shares no pictutes of my child online, but i am not going to consider the 90% of people who do as child abusers. Thats rediculous.

Show quote history

I have instagram to keep up to date with friends. Only one of my friends shares photos of her children (from behind only).

My friend (baby in the same room as mine) only recently added me to instagram, it is her business account and her grid posts were only photos of her product. She reshared the video this week and I’ve stayed following her because I want to check if my daughter is shared again.

OP posts:
DustlandFairytaleBeginning · 13/12/2025 11:34

MethodHandbag · 13/12/2025 11:29

I said in my first post “Behind her but almost more in full view is my daughter.”

Show quote history

I understand but she's still background and unidentified. You need lots of images and angles for deepfakes of the same kid. I just don't see that it's a risk. There are lots of content creators with hundreds of videos of their kids publicly posted online... they are the kids at risk as there's enough there to make a convincing deepfake. I don't think your worry here is proportional to any tangible risk.

Original poster
MethodHandbag · 13/12/2025 11:44

Thanks for your input everyone. I appreciate the view points and the perspective.
I’ll be out and about for the rest of the day now so I won’t be able to reply.

OP posts:
whentwilightfalls · 13/12/2025 11:45

Children posted but from behind only or worse, with an emoji over their face is one of my most hated things, it makes me feel I’m doing something wrong by seeing a photo someone actually intended me to see! Confused

A lot of it is performative protectiveness which is really unhealthy for everybody.

HarrietVain · 13/12/2025 11:58

whentwilightfalls · 13/12/2025 11:45

Children posted but from behind only or worse, with an emoji over their face is one of my most hated things, it makes me feel I’m doing something wrong by seeing a photo someone actually intended me to see! Confused

A lot of it is performative protectiveness which is really unhealthy for everybody.

Yep, it's creepy. Influencers and celebs should just keep their kids off their SM. Although they seem happy to show their kids' faces if there's a collaboration or Hello mag waves their cheque book.

TeenToTwenties · 13/12/2025 12:03

There are lots of reasons why parents may not want a child to be online.

Sometimes a smiley face over the face is the best option for the nursery/school/club because otherwise they need to remove the child from the activity to take the photo which can make them feel more aware / anxious / different.

AliTheMinx · 13/12/2025 12:18

This seems like an absolutely crazy overreaction on your part. Just let it go.

Pranksters · 13/12/2025 12:25

You can pull her out of nursery but this could happen at the next nursery and school, or any activity she does. Football, brownies, dance, gymnastics, karate. Anything that involves awards, plays, assemblys.

School tell parents not to post but they do. It’s not the nursery’s fault but they should ask the parent to take it down or blur her face.

IsItSnowing · 13/12/2025 12:26

I think those who are not seeing the issue here maybe don't understand what can happen to video/photos of children posted online. There are some vile people out there and images can be manipulated in horrible ways.
Having said that, I wouldn't necessarily remove my daughter from the nursery. It's not really their fault but they should be proactive in contacting the parent to ask for it to be removed. They will have her contact details and they should do that now not when her child returns to nursery.
I would contact the SM platform and asked for it to be removed. They will generally do that if you tell them it is non consensual sharing of your child's image. That will at least mitigate the risk.
Some people really are clueless about this kind of thing unfortunately and continuously post images of their child and others online. I would check that the nursery has a clear policy on this and ask them to bring it to all the parents attention explicitly.

TheNightingalesStarling · 13/12/2025 12:32

Its the selfish few who think its their right to post the videos and photos (that no one bar the parents and close family) are actually interested on that means everyone can no longer just have the photos and videos to have as personal memories.

JLou08 · 13/12/2025 12:38

This could happen at any nursery and is even more likely to happen when they go to school. Moving them from a nursery where they are thriving because of this is a bad idea.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 13/12/2025 12:43

TheNightingalesStarling · 13/12/2025 10:57

Unfortunately all schools can do is make the announcement, stop people if they see it, and consider banning that person from future performances. They can't physically stop someone from doing it.

This.
Every nursery and school will have this issue. A friend of mine adopted a child when they were primary age. There are real concerns that the birth family are trying to track the child down and she has worked with the school to ensure that the child isn't videod or photographed by other adults. So in this years nativity they are one of the animals and wearing a mask, as are several other children.

The nursery can do their best but unfortunately there will always be people ignoring the rules because they "need" a film of little Johnny in his Shepherds costume to post on social media.

ParmaVioletTea · 13/12/2025 12:43

Can you contact Instagram and get them to remove the video.

And try to speak to the entitled woman who filmed and posted against the nursery’s policies.

ParmaVioletTea · 13/12/2025 12:44

Actually, I’d be lying in wait for her and I’d be threatening legal action if she doesn’t remove the video.

User452023 · 13/12/2025 12:48

I wouldn't take your daughter out if she's thriving. I would simply have a word with the parent in question and say that I notice she has uploaded a video that includes your daughter, but due to privacy you would not like your daughter not to be visible. Ask if she could remove the video or edit the video so your daughters face is not shown. If she refuses to negotiate then that's another matter.

HarrietVain · 13/12/2025 12:48

ParmaVioletTea · 13/12/2025 12:44

Actually, I’d be lying in wait for her and I’d be threatening legal action if she doesn’t remove the video.

There's always one ...

Tiswa · 13/12/2025 12:57

@IsItSnowing i think most get the issue and almost everyone has said that the parent who filmed it (and it seems filmed it when they weren’t suppose to even film let alone post) is wrong and shouldn’t do it. Raising it with the nursery so they can request it is removed is fine as well.
and saying you don’t consent is also absolutely fine

removing her from nursery is a way over the top reaction the OP needs to manage because there isn’t much else any nursery can do with this when parents don’t listen