to withdraw my daughter from nursery

[MethodHandbag]

My daughter (14mo) has been at nursery since September, she enjoys it and is thriving.

There have been a number of Christmas events that parents can attend (stay and plays, Christmas fairs, carols) at the nursery, some I have attended and some I haven’t due to work.

My friend’s daughter is also in the same room as my girl, she recently reshared a video her friend had filmed of her older daughter (two rooms older than my daughter) singing in the carol service. Behind her but almost more in full view is my daughter.

We do not share photos of my daughter online, we don’t even share her name online. Nursery have a firm policy that they do not allow filming on the premises and reiterate it before events.

I messaged the woman on Instagram asking her to remove the video but she hasn’t opened the message as far as I can tell.
Nursery say there isn’t much they can do now other than ask her to remove the video when her child next attends.

I am absolutely livid that my child has been shared online without my consent (which they would never, ever receive anyway) and now feel like nursery cannot keep her safe.

AIBU to seriously consider removing her from the setting?

So you can report the parent to the platform she has posted it on.
This will happen to your child throughout their nursery and school career and each nursery and school will remind parents that they can't post without permission. And 99percent of parents will abide by this but one or two will be arseholes

Your only option regarding moving your daughter would be to choose a nursery that does not allow photos/recordings at any performance. It sounds like the video was taken at a carol service which most nurseries and schools would allow parents to record with the statement being given about not posting on social media which it sounds like the nursery did (so not sure why you mention the discreet filming at an angle).
This sort of thing could happen in any setting and basically becomes the reason why schools then ban phones from performances which then causes other parents upset if a parent cannot get time of work or want to share with grandparents and aren't able to.

Statistically by a long shot, the most likely sources of abuse are unrelated males living under the same roof (stepfather, step brothers etc). Followed by related males like uncle, grandfather, father etc.

The chances of someone grabbing a picture of your child from social media without knowing who she is and making AI deepfakes is mathematically virtually non-existent.

So if you consider someone posting children on social media abuse then you should absolutely consider every mum with remarries another man or brings stepbrothers into the same house an abuser as well. Same for any woman who allows her children to spend time unsupervised with male relatives.

I understand and respect your decision to not put your DD online. But you're going to find it extremely difficult or impossible to prevent her image being online forever. People will film at soft play, the park, etc , you won't always know or be able to control that. At school you'll come up against the same issue and many local businesses and events will film for social media and you might unknowingly end up in the background. For example my ds watches our local football team and often ends up in photos of the crowd.

Nursery have done enough imo, they don't permit filming and they have asked parent to remove the content. I'm sure if they saw the parent filming they would have asked them to stop and delete. What else can they do?

This isn’t an OP problem. It’s the idiot who thinks it’s okay to film other peoples kids and post it online for attention.

You should ask to see the nursery's safeguarding policy and understand what the consequences are. They should be using their contact details to contact the parent, citing the safeguarding policy and ideally saying they cannot come to another performance if they don't comply immediately.

I was wondering about this very scenario earlier this week, OP, when my DCs’ school announced that filming by parents at the Winter Sing won’t be allowed, that they have a teacher from the computing and design team who will take and edit a video and send to parents. This is the first time this has happened, so there must be a reason for it. (This is a school with a high proportion of extremely entitled parents so I don’t imagine any heed will be paid anyway…different matter.)

But what’s to stop a parent from downloading the video and putting it on their socials?

I just don’t know how this can be policed. I don’t think it can be. Which means that whatever risk the child in question is at, has to be mitigated in other ways. The mind boggles.

Then children appearing on television is also child abuse. So is any form of CCTV in shops or on public transport because anyone can record that too. You can see how unrealistic that would sound, right? There are some things we can easily protect our children from. There are other things that are so ingrained in every day life that’s it’s practically impossible.

Parents who haven't consented to their child won't be in it.

Or parents will actually pay attention instead of having a camera in their face

Child happy and settled. Nursery says no to the mum ..they struggle to stop her filming...nursery should have tell mum to leave if she refused to stop filming.. nursery not at fault but the mum. Posting online is not child abuse. You sound unhinged saying that so drop that line. This is parent issue not nursery issue. However ask the nursery re safeguarding.

Our primary school constantly told parents not to video or take photos when they were in the school due to children needing safeguarding.
The principle had to remove people during performances as they refused to stop filming the stage
EVERY SINGLE YEAR

I agree with you entirely and I think that posting your children online is inherently bad parenting, with literally no justification. I would be sending a strongly worded message to the other parent and pushing the nursery to follow up straight away.

I'm sorry this has happened, but now everyone has mobiles the reality is that the only way nurseries and schools can actually stop this happening would be by banning parents from the premises. Or I suppose having a team of security guards doing airport style pat downs and confiscating devices every time a parent enters the premises. There is no other way to actually stop a parent sneaking out a mobile phone and then sharing the content.

Oh come on. You say no mobiles past the front gate of reception.

A teacher isn't just going to be able to force another adult to hand over their phone, or even check their pockets to see if they have one!

You can say anything, whether it's no mobiles in the building, phones to be kept strictly in bags, phones off, phones allowed but only on silent with no recording, someone will think it doesn't apply to them. You can't hold school responsible unless they are frisking everyone.

You can hold them responsible when it was taken on their premises, it was their rules and it's their customer.

I agree with others, it's really not the nursery's fault - they have the policy and this person has flouted it. Unfortunately it happens.

They do have the ability to pull the parent up for that though and tell them that can't attend the events if they don't adhere to the policy.

And they can delete the photo at the request of another customer

There will be parents at every stage who are so entitled that they ignore nursery / school / club policies. Kids by 11 don’t want any photos posted by parents IME.
They use platforms to share with mates but delete

What are your options if you pull your daughter from this nursery where she feels comfortable?

you can put her in another nursery. No matter their policies, you will face the same problems.

you can hire a nanny. Unless the nanny never leaves the house with your child, you can’t guarantee your child won’t be filmed.

you could quit your job. Again, unless you keep your child indoors at all times, you risk someone catching her image and posting it somewhere. You might never even know it happened.

you can be vigilant and keep the spread of your child’s likeness to a minimum, but you can’t prevent it completely. It’s simply not possible anymore.

Honestly I find it strange that you don't mention if your dd is happy or what effect a move to a different nursery would have on her well being. Surely that's the main issue to consider. I'd be unhappy too about this, I'm not on SM at all and prefer to keep it that way. But if DD is happy you should leave her, this isn't the nursery's fault.

What annoys me is we can't take any photos or recordings anymore of DC at school events because of idiot parents like this. My DD had a lead role in a play and I have no record of it.

Your problem here is still with the parent, not the nursery.

I know a lot of people here are telling you that you are overreacting, but I’m completely with you! Can you report it to the site she uploaded to? I’d report the post and the account. I also agree it does not matter if the account is public or private, either way Mark Zuckerberg’s data collection machine holds your child’s image.

We need tighter restrictions on this.

Removing her from Nursery won’t help. I’d make a song and dance to find out how they will prevent this at future events and get VERY difficult if anything similar happened with the same parent. If they don’t follow through report to Ofsted.

School/nursery staff aren't going to search and confiscate recording devices from parents at the front gate.

OP, I also don't post my children online so I get your annoyance. But unless you are going to withdraw your daughter from nursery, school, dance classes, sports teams, birthday parties, play areas etc for the next 16 years you cannot control who sees her image.