to withdraw my daughter from nursery

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My daughter (14mo) has been at nursery since September, she enjoys it and is thriving.

There have been a number of Christmas events that parents can attend (stay and plays, Christmas fairs, carols) at the nursery, some I have attended and some I haven’t due to work.

My friend’s daughter is also in the same room as my girl, she recently reshared a video her friend had filmed of her older daughter (two rooms older than my daughter) singing in the carol service. Behind her but almost more in full view is my daughter.

We do not share photos of my daughter online, we don’t even share her name online. Nursery have a firm policy that they do not allow filming on the premises and reiterate it before events.

I messaged the woman on Instagram asking her to remove the video but she hasn’t opened the message as far as I can tell.
Nursery say there isn’t much they can do now other than ask her to remove the video when her child next attends.

I am absolutely livid that my child has been shared online without my consent (which they would never, ever receive anyway) and now feel like nursery cannot keep her safe.

AIBU to seriously consider removing her from the setting?

It is an OP problem because she is so anxious about this she wants to withdraw her child and has hyperbolically called it abuse by many many people.

She isn’t going to be able to police this at all and unless something really changes she is not going to be able to control it at all when it comes to teenagers (trust me I have 2 and whereas they are sensible some of the things they tell me and show me)

and going in with that attitude with her daughter isn’t going to help either

she is right but she is also massively overreacting due to her anxiety and she needs to separate out those things in order to survive parenting her child through to adulthood with a sensible approach to these things

You are overreacting and also projecting. You can’t control what other people do, you can only ask and she can choose to ignore you or refuse. The reality is your daughter will be in school, she will have friends, she will at some stage go to other people’s houses for play dates. You can’t control who takes pictures of her and you can’t make her life so small (withdrawing her from nursery, refusing play dates, etc.) just because you have your own issues. Will you be withdrawing her from school when 60-90 parents start taking videos at the reception nativity play? I’m not saying you are unreasonable to be upset but I would encourage you to think about your daughter and put her first as opposed to give in to your fear about online images.

i wouldn’t remove her but I would want to be reassured that this had been addressed with the parent in question- by asking she remove the video and strongly reminding her of their policy on online sharing.

It's not the chocolate that's the main issue. It's the going behind her back and breaking her trust, and, worst of all, teaching her son it's okay to lie to his parents and it's okay to lie if it's over something you want, despite you knowing the rules (whether you agree with them or not). I'm flabbergasted that Mum and Grandad would risk it again after the first time and it speaks volumes about how they value you. You don't have to accept being disrespected by anyone. I would be very much done with both of them.

This is obviously very important to you and has really upset you. I think you need to make a complaint to the nursery manager with a clear expectation of what you want to happen.

I dont understand why the nursery don’t pick up the phone and call the person who posted it to ask them to take it down and threaten to ban them from future performances if they ever do it again.

I think ringing the management and asking specifically for that to happen would be a reasonable next step.

If they weren’t willing to do so then your next step would be to say you are going to escalate it to ofsted and the information commisioners office as a breach of GDPR which I would expect them to take seriously.

If they failed to respond to that I think then the trust would be broken and I would start looking for a new nursery.

I am a nursery worker and our show is next week. This issue worries me, I strongly am against my own DC on SM and totally understand the OPs view here. We have allowed recording because some parents cannot be there so everyone had to sign a consent form specific to this event, as they all agreed it can go ahead. On the day we will remind them again it is for personal use. In our initial application form there is an agreement to a no SM policy, because pictures are shared all the time on an app. If all kids in the room consent to being pictured together it makes our lives a lot easier as we can post nice group pictures. But this consent is for personal use only within the app. What I don't know is how binding this agreement is and what the consequences are of a breach of this. I think if you approach the nursery about this they should know the legal position and have words with the other parent.

Your daughters face will already be online hundreds of times already either from being at parties, just being out and about or other parents at nursery sharing events. School ask only to post your own child at nursery/school events (sports day for example) and many parents do that (or block the other faces out) but many dont. I would speak to the nursery and ask them to explain to the Mum the reasons why. But im afraid it is going to happen many, many times through school. If you’re on social media, you will see a ton of posts with other kids especially after parties/sports day. It will be hard work for you asking to never have your daughters face shared online as you are going to have to contact every parent attending every event/party through school.

I think pulling her out which would affect her well-being/happiness/learning would be completely ridiculous. I’d say the best thing you can do is ask on the nursery and school whats app groups if people can always block her face out.

Completely agree. There are parties every week at Reception, weekly play dates, days out. I think the best thing OP can do is ask the other parents if she wants her face blocked out. This is our schools policy when they share the kids photos online (in official school social media). In my childs class of nearly 30, I think there is 1 who has not consented to be shown online and his face is always blocked out. This shows the overwhelming majority are ok with the school sharing their faces.

Whilst I have sympathy with your situation, you must realise your experience I by no means typical. I have a friend who was SA’d by several men, so get how those experiences permeate all of your views and decision making.

Would you say that actors, all children on TV and in advertising, etc are also being ‘abused’? Whilst I have empathy your situation, you should be careful not to apply your uniquely and sadly developed views about the actual risks to children to situations where your risk assessment is so influenced by past that it is flawed, or at least not proportionate. My friends child was sadly quite impacted on by her mothers views around risks etc. Also, you make many friends or garner much empathy implying that parents who choose to share images of their child online I are abusing their child.

People break the law all the time. It is not the lawmakers fault. Similarity here in that a parent broke the nursery rules. It is not the nurseries fault. The same happens at schools as well. We always say please do not share imaging on social media but some arseholes still do. It is not child abuse to share a fully clothed image of a child singing. I understand your issues but I think you’re past experience is blinding you here.
if your child is happy and thriving at this nursery that is the most important thing. They will ask them to take it down but they can’t enforce it. They will also no doubt reinforce this to parents moving forwards. I wouldn’t remove your child for this. And I also think you need to speak to a counsellor and talk through your extreme reactions to this.

My kids are quite a bit older, but I have similar concerns about sharing images of them online. Work exposed me to some of the darker things that can happen with images of kids posted online before I had my own family so I have always been cautious. However, I've also had to learn over time to relax and bit and to pick my battles carefully because we live in a digital age and it's very difficult to have a complete blackout on your child being online. You'll also miss out on finding out about how they are getting on because schools and youth groups tend to rely on picture sharing. My lines in the sand are now that I don't mind if my child features in a group shot with other children in a closed social media account, but I don't want any pictures that feature them or where their name is attached anywhere. In this case it sounds like the parent has violated the nursery's own policy and I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask them to reach out to the parent and delete the content from their public facing social media now, rather than waiting until after Christmas to resolve this. I'd also ask for a reminder to be announced at any events attended by parents in future. I wouldn't withdraw your child, because you are going to face these types of issues repeatedly throughout her childhood and it's much better that you learn to deal with them now.

I’ll just add that there are huge positives of parents filming and taking photos. I couldn’t attend an event last week and was messaged out the blue by one of the parents with videos of every song (she had heard from my DH on the school run that our other child was ill). I didn’t ask her to so was lovely to receive. Im not going to now check with her where she has shared those after she did a really lovely thing for me.

Unfortunately you're not going to be able to control this. Once she's in school people will video and post online. There's not a lot you can do. Pulling her out of nursery is so drastic. Will you do this when she's in school? Ban her from all performances?

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but you can't let it get in the way of your daughter having a full childhood xx

The ‘posting children online is child abuse’ really makes her sound unhinged as opposed to her original post which had a valid point about following nursery rules (and the reasons behind it).

99% of my fb friends have posted their kids at some point - its not child abuse to post kids faces online. I hope the OP doesn’t throw that about in messages to her fellow parents as I think she’ll get a strong response back.

You do know legally you do not have any rights to control your child's image. They are filmed/photographed all the time in public and the copyright does not belong to you. You have no say over the usage if its within law.

You need to stop being so precious.

Totally understand (also an abused child) but the nursery doesn’t have to wait until the child attends again? They can contact the parent and ask (tell!) them to delete it. And I’d want them banning from any future performances. They have totally overstepped the mark.

It's not their fault. All they can do is reiterate the rules to the parents but you'll get those that ignore them wherever you go unfortunately

Hmm. I would give yourself two weeks to calm down before making any rash decisions. Uprooting your child from a nursery where she is thriving because another parent did not follow safeguarding rules is daft. And you may end up seriously regretting it. If the nursery have not condoned it and have actively told parents not to, secretive filming is the fault of the other parent. Seriously. Give yourself time to calm down and don't knee jerk.

Total over reaction. Nobody knows who the random kid in the background is (or caresl). I assume this is your PFB? This will happen forever at primary and high school

To call it child abuse is utterly ridiculous and is deeply insulting to children who have actually been abused! Its not slightly the same thing. Get a grip OP

I really empathise with you OP. We dont allow our daughter to be posted anywhere on online and have requested this from the nursery too. This includes being the in the background of nursery’s pics of other children.

I wouldn’t withdraw her as I think in this world, it’s almost impossible not to have pictures of our children. People don’t seem to realise the implications and just post whenever they want.

I would just put it to the back of your mind. The most you can do is email/call the nursery and ask them to contact the parent to take down the video.

We live in the northern Ireland and my daughters school put photos and videos up on Facebook all the time. There is a child a few years above my daughter that just gets a smiley face stuck over her face on Facebook. It wouldn't be fair for the school to ask that child to go somewhere else all the time so I'm not sure if there is a alternative.

I never posted her much until she went to school. I had to decide what was best. I didn't want her to constantly be missing out or asked to stand aside while the other children had their photos or videos taken. It's nice to watch it back and my daughter loves watching them back every Friday and she likes to point out what they were doing.

Unfortunately our children have their photos taken or are being recorded all the time. CCTV, people at the park or at their friends birthday parties. I don't think we can prevent it much. So I've decided I'm ok with it as long as she's fully clothed (no bath or swimming pool photos) and she isn't distressed, crying or doing something that she would be embarrassed about later on.

I agree. What if it hasn't been the OP's daughter but another child who has come from the foster system? Foster and adoptive parents are often highly vigilant because children often come from difficult and/or abusive backgrounds and don't want the child in the public eye in any way whatsoever. Would that be an overreaction also? Can we not just respect parents' and the nursery's boundaries on this with respect?

Part of being an adult is accepting that there are certain things in life that one has little to no control over… and learning to let go.

Our suffering is ours alone to bear. Please don’t steep your daughter in your anxiety.

I’m not really sure what you would gain by removing her from the nursery. I can’t see any way on which this is the nursery’s fault. They’ve said they’ll speak to her and ask her to take it down- what more can they really do? Obviously they have their policy re no filming of events, but they can’t stop people if they don’t notice them doing it.
Remove her if you want, but this could happen anywhere. Her next nursery, primary school, birthday parties etc.