to withdraw my daughter from nursery

[MethodHandbag]

My daughter (14mo) has been at nursery since September, she enjoys it and is thriving.

There have been a number of Christmas events that parents can attend (stay and plays, Christmas fairs, carols) at the nursery, some I have attended and some I haven’t due to work.

My friend’s daughter is also in the same room as my girl, she recently reshared a video her friend had filmed of her older daughter (two rooms older than my daughter) singing in the carol service. Behind her but almost more in full view is my daughter.

We do not share photos of my daughter online, we don’t even share her name online. Nursery have a firm policy that they do not allow filming on the premises and reiterate it before events.

I messaged the woman on Instagram asking her to remove the video but she hasn’t opened the message as far as I can tell.
Nursery say there isn’t much they can do now other than ask her to remove the video when her child next attends.

I am absolutely livid that my child has been shared online without my consent (which they would never, ever receive anyway) and now feel like nursery cannot keep her safe.

AIBU to seriously consider removing her from the setting?

No they don't have a queit word. They tell the parent direct that they've broken the rules and consequences will happen. They will also delete the picture they've posted on SM as it contains other children and their parents have complained.

But no nursery can compel someone to take down a photo. They can't do anything so it's not their fault this happened. It could've happened in the park, at soft play, at a kid's party.

Just ask her to put an emoji over your child's image in the pic as she may really like it of her kid so be reluctant to take it down fully.

The group I volunteer with has a family in it where there are safeguarding issues if the children's photos appear online. One of the team spoke to the mum to double check the situation (I had picked it up on the consent form) and she would prefer that they appear in the photos with an emoji rather than being completely excluded as the school excludes them from all photos.

We invited the parents come and see them getting their presents from Santa and one of the other mums started filming her child who was beside one of the children from this family. We weren't sure how to deal with it at the time as this mum is a bit unpredictable and we didn't want to cause a scene. In the end I put a general message in the group chat acknowledging that some parents had taken photos and requesting that they only share photos of their own children as there are families in the group who don't want their children to appear online. This mum immediately replied that she had only taken photos of her own child. In future we will post a reminder before events.

OP, we also have a total ban on anybody posting photos or videos of our daughter. Until she is old enough to make her own choices about her own privacy and what she wants to be on the Internet, she relies on us to protect it on her behalf.

We've been in your position, and had content taken down by speaking to the other parent. Since it's now the holiday and they haven't read your message, you could try reporting the video on the platform as most have policies around children and parental consent.

We'd be really angry at the entitlement and thoughtlessness of the other parent, but if it's an isolated incident then I think we'd be wary of taking her out of a place she thrives, in your words, when the horse has bolted and there may not be another. It's a rubbish position you've been put in.

Yes they can.
They broke the rules of the nursery and as a result then images have been shared. They will have policies. If they don't take them down than they won't be allowed at any future events.

The parent broke the rules in the first instance.

This. 100%.

It's not a difficult rule to follow.

I think you need a little perspective on this OP. It's perfectly understandable that you don't want to post photos of your child online in general, but expecting 100% compliance is probably not realistic as she moves through school. You can control your own permissions and actions, ie never post yourself, ask the same of friends and family, and don't give photograph consent at school.

That will minimise it, but it really isn't possible to have zero presence in other people's photos unless you are extremely protective and present. This is particularly true if she ends up playing competitive sports.

And that's for a future time.

I also don't mind photos being shared, I don't understand the no photo people

My dc primary school has a rule that you can take photos and videos at school events but don't share anything online. Secondary school we are not allowed to take photos or videos at all. One of my dc has a friend who is adopted and can't have any photos of him shared online. Everyone at school knows this but there are still some idiots who think the rule doesn't apply to them.

They can ask but they can’t make them.
They’ve broken a nursery rule, not a law.
Yes, the parents in question are dicks but the nursery can only do so much.

Lying in wait for her? Don’t be so ridiculous!

They tell the parent direct that they've broken the rules and consequences will happen

Consequences? Like what? Seriously.

You won't be allowed in for stay n play etc. she broke the rules
... How is that hard to understand. So she either takes down the picture because anyone mum has complained and promises next time to not bring in her phone.... Jesus why is it so hard to follow nursery social media policy and the rules

Ok so they could ban that parent from 'future events' but not force them to take the picture down.

They can't physically force but which parent is going to sit there after being barated for taking photos and putting them online ... Not going to create a good atmosphere

The nursery should ring the parent and remind her of the setting’s rules around posting to social media. It is absolutely their responsibility to do this.

Yeah that's fair enough. I just don't think withdrawing the child from the nursery will make the person take the pic down. They haven't even refused to do so yet.

No op is annoyed that's all. I personally think nursery should be taking phones away at the door if they have events but then at primary etc than I believe photos are allowed.

I really don't know what the issue is, it's a photo but I put a pic of myself in my bikini on LinkedIn so who cares

Anyone who thinks that the nursery have any control over this picture now that it’s out there is naive.

Yes, they can tell the parent to take it down or else.

All the parent has to do is make it private, exclude anyone who is likely to see it from nursery, and say they’ve taken it down.

Chances are said picture has already been spread far and wide not only on facebook, but across the family WhatsApp group, been shared among the family etc etc and if other children are in it those parents may also have shared it.

The only way these events can be controlled is by parents being made to put their phones in a box on entry. Interestingly a lot of concert venues do this now so it’s not a first.

But unfortunately we now live in an age where it is literally impossible to keep your children offline. They are being filmed on CCTV everywhere they go. On people’s ring doorbells, on shop CCTV, on phones where people are taking pictures of their own kids in the park,

YANBU to be annoyed but it’s not really the nursery’s fault. If your dd enjoys going and is thriving there it will not be fair to remove her

I personally think nursery should be taking phones away at the door

Yup, because that's totally their job. To deal with the 1 person who cannot respect a no video/photo rule, and the 1 parent who thinks posting videos online is child abuse.

You either leave your phone on the car or in a box at the front.
Simple as that.

It is their job, when it's their policy, it's their event and they safeguard

Any control?

They have control over what they say and future permissions of the parents.

Are you from the group of parents that don't follow authority, rules or give a damn? .

Realistically noone is going to know your daughter on a video with other kids except you and a very few others. Kids at that age all look broadly similar and change very quickly so there's no need to get so het up about it.

Just out of interest, what are you worried about? What risk is she going to be at if someone does recognise gwe?

Answer this honestly and it may help to put things in perspective.