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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you had to, you’d be able to do this?! (Parenting)

223 replies

Youurrs · 12/12/2025 23:19

It was just me and my baby from when he was around 5 weeks old. I had absolutely no choice but to sort a sleep routine and subsequently have organisation and a routine after nursery and bedtimes (almost always on time) because I literally would not have been able to look after my child if I didn’t, as a single parent and then as a working single parent after maternity leave finished.

I have noticed that mums who have no choice seem to make these things work, those who have options seem to struggle. For instance my sister went through several weeks of walking everywhere with her dd as she couldn’t get dd in the car seat. I could not identify with this as I HAD to get my child in the car to go to work. There was no option. Yet she will to this day say it was impossible to get her child in the car.

Have other people noticed this? Maybe it’s just my personal experience from some small examples!

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/12/2025 23:24

I agree with you @Youurrs

I didn't do any of that nonsense some parents seem to do, where they stay with their children till they fall asleep.

And I made mine get in their buggies, using two sets of reins to strap them in.

Same with car seats. They were non-negotiable.

Original poster
Youurrs · 12/12/2025 23:26

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne oh yes the ‘they won’t fall asleep unless we stay with them…’ I literally could not do this or his clothes wouldn’t have been washed, I wouldn’t have eaten, showered etc etc. It always amazes me when people say x or y is impossible.

OP posts:
PortSalutPlease · 12/12/2025 23:27

Not all children are the same and you have to parent the child you have.

Original poster
Youurrs · 12/12/2025 23:28

@PortSalutPlease true but I would still have had to have strapped ds in the car otherwise I would have lost my job

OP posts:
TartanMammy · 12/12/2025 23:28

Completely agree. Women will find an inner strength to make things happen. I know it rely on dp and he's fab and does a lot, but if I was on my own I know I could do it, yes it would be much harder but I'd not have a choice I'd have to dig deep and do it.

On a smaller scale, my kids are rarely off school because we've always had to be at work, unless the have been vomiting they go to school. They never chance a sick day as they know it's not an option. Whereas my friends who are staying at home mums, their DC seem to be off all the time, slightest sniffle, sore leg or wobly tooth (yes for real!) they are kept at home. Their kids are always asking for days off for this that and the other. Mine just don't have that option, unless genuinely very unwell. (We're in Scotland so fine don't apply here).

PortSalutPlease · 12/12/2025 23:28

my child is 9. He won’t go to sleep unless I stay with him. Sometimes it wasn’t possible to get him into a car seat. I mean, there’s the fact that he’s profoundly disabled. Perhaps that might have something to do with it?Hmm

Pallisers · 12/12/2025 23:29

I think this is fairly true tbh. With some exceptions - there are babies or children who simply will not do as you want - resulting in immense stress for the parents (usually the mother).

But in general if you have to put your child in clothes and get them to nursery so you can earn enough to feed them - well you do. If you have the luxury of not having to do that then you may not. My dd would have loved to have been a naked toddler running around the house. We simply couldn't afford for that to happen so she had to get dressed and I had to go to work.

Pallisers · 12/12/2025 23:30

PortSalutPlease · 12/12/2025 23:28

my child is 9. He won’t go to sleep unless I stay with him. Sometimes it wasn’t possible to get him into a car seat. I mean, there’s the fact that he’s profoundly disabled. Perhaps that might have something to do with it?Hmm

In fairness I think all bets are off with a disabled child - and especially a profoundly disabled child. I don't think the OP is talking about that.

Jollyjoy · 12/12/2025 23:31

I do think broadly, babies and children accept when we show them clearly and consistently what is going to happen. The wee dictators sense ambivalence and use whatever they can to push our boundaries, though! I tend to suspect it’s likely your sister felt guilty about whatever resistance her child put up and they sensed that and resisted all the more.

That said, kids have wildly different temperaments and I think it’s a mistake to think we know, what other parents experience as well.

NuffSaidSam · 12/12/2025 23:31

For the most part, you're correct OP. We're capable of much more than we realise until truly tested. Most parenting things like this are a preference, not an impossibility. You see the same when people go from one child to two. All the things that were impossible with the first just happen with the second because they have to.

Original poster
Youurrs · 12/12/2025 23:31

PortSalutPlease · 12/12/2025 23:28

my child is 9. He won’t go to sleep unless I stay with him. Sometimes it wasn’t possible to get him into a car seat. I mean, there’s the fact that he’s profoundly disabled. Perhaps that might have something to do with it?Hmm

@PortSalutPlease well of course it’s different if your child is disabled

OP posts:
User28425 · 12/12/2025 23:31

I think I would have previously disagreed with you, except I've changed my mind recently with the constantly increasing trend of kids becoming school refusers. The children of school refusers tend to be SAHM, or self employed or can afford to give up work or work from home. My kids don't want to go to school either, but I say I know, sorry. I don't want to go to work either but if I don't we would have nowhere to live.

Original poster
Youurrs · 12/12/2025 23:32

NuffSaidSam · 12/12/2025 23:31

For the most part, you're correct OP. We're capable of much more than we realise until truly tested. Most parenting things like this are a preference, not an impossibility. You see the same when people go from one child to two. All the things that were impossible with the first just happen with the second because they have to.

@NuffSaidSam yes that’s a good comparison actually, going from one to two, suddenly people cope!

OP posts:
PortSalutPlease · 12/12/2025 23:32

Pallisers · 12/12/2025 23:30

In fairness I think all bets are off with a disabled child - and especially a profoundly disabled child. I don't think the OP is talking about that.

Show quote history

The OP and several others seem happy to generalise without taking into consideration that some people’s children have different needs.

Sharptonguedwoman · 12/12/2025 23:33

Youurrs · 12/12/2025 23:19

It was just me and my baby from when he was around 5 weeks old. I had absolutely no choice but to sort a sleep routine and subsequently have organisation and a routine after nursery and bedtimes (almost always on time) because I literally would not have been able to look after my child if I didn’t, as a single parent and then as a working single parent after maternity leave finished.

I have noticed that mums who have no choice seem to make these things work, those who have options seem to struggle. For instance my sister went through several weeks of walking everywhere with her dd as she couldn’t get dd in the car seat. I could not identify with this as I HAD to get my child in the car to go to work. There was no option. Yet she will to this day say it was impossible to get her child in the car.

Have other people noticed this? Maybe it’s just my personal experience from some small examples!

Yes, sometimes you just have to get on and do stuff. We just manage because there's no alternative to not managing.

HippeePrincess · 12/12/2025 23:34

I agreed to a point, having been a single mother to 2 age 3 and under from when the youngest was 10 weeks I had to just get ok with it and lots of things were non negotiable. However I got a very difficult baby second time around and no amount of anything at all would stop her crying I had to hold her or sleep with her almost 24/7. So I wore her in a sling to do anything or go anywhere, managed to get her sleeping the first part of the evening when I was getting the eldest bathed and bed but then ended up bedsharing the second half of the night for 2.5 years as I was so damn worn out and she was so needy and no matter what I did would not go down, and god I tried as I was so touched out. Sometimes it’s also down to the baby you get.

Original poster
Youurrs · 12/12/2025 23:34

PortSalutPlease · 12/12/2025 23:32

The OP and several others seem happy to generalise without taking into consideration that some people’s children have different needs.

Show quote history

@PortSalutPlease no, as I said it’s obviously different if a child is disabled

OP posts:
tinybeautiful · 12/12/2025 23:34

Depends on what you mean by impossible. I would say it was impossible to cut off my own arm, but if trapped in a boulder like that bloke? Dunno.

Think what you actually want to hear is that you had a rough time, and to have that validated. It sounds really bloody challenging and you had to do so much. You don't need to drag other women down to hear that, though.

Notsureibelonghere · 12/12/2025 23:35

This would work with my youngest, would not have with my eldest. In the same way I had to find a job that works around him as school wouldn't accept him into ASC. No amount of saying 'well I need to get to work' would force childcare to accept him, they would tell you he needs you and is your responsibility as their parent.

VivaVivaa · 12/12/2025 23:35

My first born screamed none stop for the first 6 months of his life, slept in 60 minute chunks despite sleep training until past 1 and struggled immensely with feeding. We know now he’s autistic.

My second born was one of those babies that did nothing but sleep or fart. Gained weight without issue and was happy to be put down.

So yeah, if I’d been on my own of course I would have had to force DC1 into the cot/pram/car seat/nursery/whatever. But it would have been significantly harder than with DC2. So, while you are correct that some parents are better at just getting on with it, a chunk of that is probably due to having a child that makes getting on with it straight forward.

DCIRozHuntley · 12/12/2025 23:36

User28425 · 12/12/2025 23:31

I think I would have previously disagreed with you, except I've changed my mind recently with the constantly increasing trend of kids becoming school refusers. The children of school refusers tend to be SAHM, or self employed or can afford to give up work or work from home. My kids don't want to go to school either, but I say I know, sorry. I don't want to go to work either but if I don't we would have nowhere to live.

How would you manage that if you had a 14 year old, taller than you, so distressed by school that they open the car door on a 60mph road?
Have you ever considered the chicken and egg effect? The reason I am a chronic underachiever at work - I am capable of way more than my job titles suggest, but I stayfor the flexible hour - is precisely because I have a high needs child.

Dramatic · 12/12/2025 23:37

Absolutely agree with you. Having been a working single Mum of 3 young children there are certain things you just have to do whether they like it or not. If I "couldn't" get my kids in the car none of them would have gone to school and I would have been jobless. They also had to work around each others schedules as well as mine. I had to take all three of them wherever we had to be.

ZappyDays · 12/12/2025 23:38

YANBU I have just been discussing this with friends. So so true

Makingpeace · 12/12/2025 23:39

NuffSaidSam · 12/12/2025 23:31

For the most part, you're correct OP. We're capable of much more than we realise until truly tested. Most parenting things like this are a preference, not an impossibility. You see the same when people go from one child to two. All the things that were impossible with the first just happen with the second because they have to.

When you have to have clear non-negotiables. It's not that we can't, it's often that we can't be bothered. Disabilities and SEND aside.

"We" meaning the generalised we.

Sharptonguedwoman · 12/12/2025 23:40

tinybeautiful · 12/12/2025 23:34

Depends on what you mean by impossible. I would say it was impossible to cut off my own arm, but if trapped in a boulder like that bloke? Dunno.

Think what you actually want to hear is that you had a rough time, and to have that validated. It sounds really bloody challenging and you had to do so much. You don't need to drag other women down to hear that, though.

I don't honestly think any dragging down was intended. Assuming you and the child are both well you just motor on. In the car at 7.30 with child dressed (I admit to breakfast being in the car) and off we go or I don't get to work. If I don't get to work, we don't get to eat so....You just get on (and cut as many corners as necessary).