To think if you had to, you’d be able to do this?! (Parenting)

[Youurrs]

It was just me and my baby from when he was around 5 weeks old. I had absolutely no choice but to sort a sleep routine and subsequently have organisation and a routine after nursery and bedtimes (almost always on time) because I literally would not have been able to look after my child if I didn’t, as a single parent and then as a working single parent after maternity leave finished.

I have noticed that mums who have no choice seem to make these things work, those who have options seem to struggle. For instance my sister went through several weeks of walking everywhere with her dd as she couldn’t get dd in the car seat. I could not identify with this as I HAD to get my child in the car to go to work. There was no option. Yet she will to this day say it was impossible to get her child in the car.

Have other people noticed this? Maybe it’s just my personal experience from some small examples!

Absolutely agree, time frames are important and I say this as a parent of ND child which has always been a challenge to enforce but I do!

I have a friend who chases her child around and asks if it's ok to put pjs on and go to bed yet. Answer is of course no I'm not so DC runs around and calls the shots. Then she complains DC won't go to bed early and she has to wait until they drop down asleep to put to bed! No advice from the rest of us is needed, instead she continues the farce. DC is bright and happy, is clearly manipulating the situation.

Op not returning then?

Couldn't get on with that could she?

Maybe not as brilliant amd capable as she thinks she is 🙄

All children are different like all parents are different. I have 3 children and one was sometimes impossible to fasten into a car seat, the strength he had in his little body was indescribable and even drs and nurses would struggle to give any medicine to, he never let me brush teeth etc. it sounds absolutely ridiculous but it’s true. Whereas my younger 2 have been polar opposites, yes we’ve had lots of tantrums like all children the most extreme ones weren’t even a patch on what I’d already experienced with their brother so I coped really well and that’s why I went onto have 3 children knowing how easy i found it after my first as the 2 younger ones were easier together than their older brother. He has sensory processing difficulties, communication difficulties, a learning disability and he’s autistic none of which were diagnosed until he was almost 4 non verbal and very challenging so that’s definitely the reason now looking back but at the time it seemed so ridiculous and I was blamed for being a bad mum by many people, by other mums like yourself who just didn’t have the same experience as I was having. Then when he was 2 and again age 4 I had my two younger children who are not autistic and I realised just how much easier parenting is for most parents they were both like a walk in the park after my first experience of being a mum they both slept well and in their own cots and had regular long nap times, never lashed out :) I am glad I now realise it wasn’t me as a mum but actually my son who was really struggling. I was a single working mum like yourself for a few months when he was 18months old and there have been many times Ive been very very late for work over his lifetime due to the extreme behaviours which still happen now aged 10 (thankfully I am able to work flexible days and hours to make up the time and I have a very understanding boss) his siblings are honestly both so easy compared and have never ever caused me to be late for work. I do think because your experience of your child has been a certain way doesn’t mean all children are the same trust me they aren’t at all. Maybe as you have the experience you could offer to help your sister find some practical solutions as you have an older child and if you also find your nephew easy you can show her how you did it and turn a negative into a positive. I know having a sister to help me would’ve been a dream come true when I was feeling like the worst mum in the world. Also with lots of time and effort and paying for private seminars to learn about his condition I picked up some invaluable tips and my son is now fine brushing his teeth now and has never even had one cavity thankfully. When I hear of any mums who are struggling like I did I try to support them as much as I can as I had nobody to help me and in turn I hope that they will one day support others who are struggling also :) my motto is to be kind always and try not to judge or compare to others as we don’t ever know what people are going through behind closed doors :)

All children are different, ok.
But we're still all the same species.

There were no school refusers whatsoever in Communist Romania/Bulgaria/Slovenia etc.

And the school system was definitely very exacting, performance-led, heartless you would say, all about the exams.

Similarly do you think any of the people in communist Russia or countries like the above stayed with the kids till they were asleep? Ask any person from those countries, they'll laugh at the thought.

Yet surely we're the same species.

Lol. I'm originally from one of those cold evil communist countries. My mum stayed with me to sleep until I was 7. My grandma coslept with my dad and his brother until primary school. It's actually MORE common than it is in the UK. Currently women in my home country get 2 years almost fully paid maternity leave too.

And yes, there were plenty of school refusers and other, very relatable and similar parenting problems 😅 love that you think everyone in Eastern Europe is locked in their rooms at night and are raised in some dystopian gulag.

And that harsh, exam centered school system hasn't exactly produced very successful societies, has it?

@Sarkykitty your son wouldn't let you brush his teeth but you surely still brushed them anyway? You would have found a way no matter how difficult because it absolutely had to be done, which is the point of the OP - that we find ways to do the things we have to do when we have no other choice, because we have to. We let go the things we can let go, for an easier life, and for some people there's a lot more things we can let go e.g. my eldest wouldn't go to sleep at night but I wasn't working so I didn't have to try and find a way, I just coped with it as best as I could and adjusted my daily rhythm to hers (which I regretted once she started school because then it became hell to adjust her rhythm)

@ACatNamedRobin it can be a bit swings and roundabouts. Russian DH shared a bed with DB until the latter left for the army at 18, because a one-bed apartment for a family of four was the norm. Parents in the living room.

Agree in many cases OP. I think it’s often parents don’t like the children expressing discomfort, so do things a couple of times then give up because they don’t like it. Doesn’t help in the long run!

obviously a very different situation when your child has additional needs

Maybe she’s busy parenting. I do hope that’s ok with you.

Totally agree with this. The pupils that are persistent absentees have parents who WFH or don’t work at all.

The simple answer OP is that a lot of parents are lazy and will do anything that makes their lives easier, not what their children need. My life would be a lot easier if I parented how I see some parents do, but it’d be a damn sight worse for my kids.

All pretty normal a few years ago. 👍

Once again no consideration of cause and effect.

I had a brilliant job, working outside the home and with some prestige attached. Now, I have a boring-but-nice WFH job and a daughter who is unable to attend school regularly. But which came first, my massive drop in pay and status or DD's mental health crisis? I will give you a clue, I didn't lose £25k per annum voluntarily.

I am sorry to hear this. It sounds really difficult. I hope your daughter and family can get the support needed. Have you heard about the robots that are being rolled out?

I am not referring to children who are unable to attend school due to MH and SEND needs. I’m talking about the pupils who have a day off every week or a few days here or there for every sniffle or because they are tired or can’t be bothered.

No we didn’t manage to get a brush in his mouth for a number of years. Yes of course I tried everything and 2 of us would hold him and try to get the brush in his mouth as I didn’t know he had additional needs and thought how ridiculous as everyone else cleans their children’s teeth but he would clamp it closed and if we managed to prise it open he was shaking his head kicking out nipping biting etc and if the brush did get in his mouth he would vomit. It was very traumatic. I tried toothpaste on my fingers, silicone baby tooth brushes, every type of electric and shape of toothbrush, unflavoured toothpaste etc nothing worked. Eventually I sat him down in front of a mirror and let him play with the paste and brushes after learning at a seminar that can help and as he got older he watched videos about teeth and dentists etc and one day decided he would start to look after his teeth but not until he was about 5 nearly 6 He loves the dentist now thankfully (we go to a special needs dentist and they are amazing), he even lets them paint his teeth with the banana flavoured fluoride paste and he doesn’t want to leave. He never had sweets or juice which definitely helped his teeth to stay cavity free but I know how lucky we all were. My point is as he wasn’t diagnosed until age 3years 10 months, prior to that people may have not believed that getting the brush into his mouth was actually impossible. Yes of course once he was diagnosed everything it’s different people seem to understand and make allowances. Also on the flip side my younger 2 have had their teeth at least twice a day since they got teeth, never had an issue except my daughter has always wanted to do hers herself instead of mummy or daddy doing them so now we brush first and let her finish :)

That sounds so difficult, glad he eventually was OK with taking care of his teeth and no harm done. My DS refused too but I was able to hold him down with my arms and legs and keep his mouth open with a finger in the corner of his jaw to quickly brush but he clearly wasn't as strong as your son!

Agree. What did she mean when she said she couldn't get her in the car seat?

We've all had the struggle of a child arching their back, resisting the car seat. But is she seriously saying she physically couldn't over power I presume a baby/toddler?

Of course there are sen exceptions but on the whole I agree with you op. The only friends I have with kids who wouldn't sleep, refuses to settle in nursery etc were ones where it was more of an option. My son has asn so there were extra challenges but as you say with no routines there would have been no uniforms organised or any household tasks completed

Medicine has been the worst one over the years. He’s refused every type. drs and nurses would say why have you not given him Calpol and say we will give it to him then tried and failed (and got kicked and bitten trying!). He last needed antibiotics in 2017 when he was 2 and I managed just about by mixing it into thick milky bar desserts. He just wouldn’t tolerate it now but so far we’ve not had to cross that bridge for years thankfully. When he has a fever he has orange ibuprofen gummies. He will have an orange gummy multivitamin each day too and he has melatonin powdered and mixed with formula milk 5 nights a week (only on school nights so he’s not tired for school)
I used to give him the option of a paracetamol suppository when he was poorly and in pain but now he wouldn’t want that either.
I’m hoping if he needs antibiotics again he will take them ok and have been searching over the years if they have alternatives such as an orange gummy option :) I’ve not found anything as yet unfortunately.

when he had chicken pox aged 8 he didn’t want Calpol and I tried orange paracetamol medicine mixed with cordial as he wasn’t allowed the ibuprofen but he could taste it and chose to not have anything but thankfully got through it ok.

my younger son used to refuse medicine all the time and have screaming tantrums, but I always got it into him by holding his mouth open (like you said you did with your son with teeth brushing). It was very difficult but not completely impossible like with my eldest who would vomit.

hes 10 now and tall for his age in age 16 clothes. He opens jars for me that i cant manage as he’s still super strong :)

also he refused the school so much since Covid and wouldn’t get on it at least 3 days a week last year, there was lots of lashing out and he even broke my nose by hitting me whilst I tried to carry him into school.
Ive never let him stay home if he refused the bus even if it took me 4 hours to get him into school then thats what i did so i didnt teach him he could stay off school. It would take up to 4 teachers to help get him out of the car and into the building once i was at school. This year they give him a special reward for going on the bus like playing with Lego or helping them do jobs and he’s only refused it 2 times in total since the start of January :) it’s been life changing.

my grandad used to say I should give him a smack and just put him on the bus. I didn’t do that of course but just putting him on the bus sounds easy. Also sometimes he would get on the bus but then wedge himself under the seats so they couldn’t drive away as he didn’t have a seat belt on and the PA and I couldn’t get him off the bus at all for up to an hour… I have lovely neighbours who would come and help me when they could and coax him back off the bus with their dog.
when I did manage to get him off he would sometime attack me hitting and kicking me as it drove away because he had changed his mind. I find that staying calm and offering him a hug and naming his emotions and talking about the big feelings he’s having has really helped to diffuse him. Over the years I’ve had panic attacks when he’s been escalating but now I feel much better prepared and find it a lot easier to calm him down more quickly.

his younger brother learnt to take my youngest child away into a different room to keep her safe. They also will talk to him and try to help now and often they really do help me to calm him and stop the situation from becoming very bad. When new Sen children join the class they both help them as they are used to their brothers needs too which is very lovely and makes me super proud.

I don’t really know why I’m writing all of this, I guess partly to explain that some children really are very very extreme like my eldest but I guess if someone else is reading and going through similar they may not feel as alone as I have over the years and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. my son is very loving and helpful and even though I’d take away the bad days for him if I could I wouldn’t change his personality as he’s just amazing x

Thanks for sharing. It does help me feel less alone, and I'm sure others too. We have similar struggles. Like many things in life it's a hard to imagine until you've experienced it. Glad you have found some light at the end of the tunnel.

This kind of thread would have really upset me 10 years ago and made me feel like I was failing. I have one awful sleeper, she has never ever slept for long periods and we spent years battling it, sleep training and doing all sorts and nothing worked. Our other one would happlily not eat for days, so if we gave him food he didn’t like he just wouldn’t eat it- if that’s all we offered that day he would go all day without food (of course that didn’t happen). People with kids who actually eat food thought we were just pandering by giving him a bit of ham and cucumber or something he’d actually eat.

Of course we now know we have two autistic children but we didn’t know at the time and there was a lot of worry that we were just weak and maybe others are doing it better. Now we know it’s all good- our children are amazing and we just adapt to the challenges of sleep etc. We also have adapted our jobs so there’s a parent available out of school hours as wraparound care was hard for them to manage after a day of school.

you do realise the life expectancy was also incredibly low and the rate or alcoholism and suicide wonderfully high?

Same. Sometimes life gives you a different hand and there are days where it really bugs me still. I have a friend who’s on her third and they all sleep fine. She thinks she’s great. Sleep trains early and all the rest. Seems to think it’s because of her. But then I have another who’s third child is incredibly difficult and she’s in shock. Obviously im there for her.