To think if you had to, you’d be able to do this?! (Parenting)

[Youurrs]

It was just me and my baby from when he was around 5 weeks old. I had absolutely no choice but to sort a sleep routine and subsequently have organisation and a routine after nursery and bedtimes (almost always on time) because I literally would not have been able to look after my child if I didn’t, as a single parent and then as a working single parent after maternity leave finished.

I have noticed that mums who have no choice seem to make these things work, those who have options seem to struggle. For instance my sister went through several weeks of walking everywhere with her dd as she couldn’t get dd in the car seat. I could not identify with this as I HAD to get my child in the car to go to work. There was no option. Yet she will to this day say it was impossible to get her child in the car.

Have other people noticed this? Maybe it’s just my personal experience from some small examples!

I agree op.

My DC are almost adult now and I've been on my own with almost zero support since they were 5 and 2. I work with lots of married mums with present husbands and all I hear is moaning about how hard everything is. With 2 active parents, 2 incomes etc. I just had to get on with it.

Yes I tend to agree. Of course there are always exceptions to anything but I brought my babies up at the height of Gina Ford era. Strict routine was her mantra and while I wasn’t so strict during the day (though I did limit naps, waking baby up if need be) I had an evening bedtime routine that I started the day I brought my babies home. And guess what, two babies that went to sleep on their own with very few issues (my DD took a bit longer to fall into the routine as she had reflux but persistence is key and at three months she got it). Those who had a loosey goosey baby led thing going generally had far more sleepless nights and fussy babies and felt worn out by the process.
I never let my babies ‘cry it out’ - this is not the same thing.
I had no problem getting dressed, having a shower etc. My babies didn’t need to fall asleep feeding, on me, with me next to them or any of that. And none of my friends who followed a similar routine had those issues with their babies either. We all went back to work. We all had evenings spent with our partners. We all got to sleep!

But one person’s “getting on with it” looks different to another person’s getting on with it. I found it easier to lie down with my child at night. That was how I got on with it… that may not work for some other people, but it worked for me. And that that’s really all that matters.

The fact you sound so breathtakingly judgey and sneery about parents who do things differently to you, yet only have the one child, makes me laugh.

You have no idea about so much.

I think this is pretty true. Of course, there are exceptions, kids with disabilities and the like. But for average kids, you have to crack on, and they're expected to crack on right with you.
I have a friend who ABSOLUTELY HAS to sit on the floor of her DDs room and hold her hand as she falls asleep. Note, this DD isn't 2 or 3yo... She's 10. 10! Starting secondary school in September.
Why she doesn't just pull the "I've just got to go and put the dishwasher on... You close your eyes and I'll come and check on you in 10 minutes..." I'm genuinely puzzled.

I have to do this with mine (also 10).

she would follow me down to the dishwasher, or certainly, would be wide awake 10 minutes later. She’s not a nodding dog who will just drift off and forget about it 😂 she’s stubborn as a mule

Thus speaks the terribly experienced Mum of one.

I've got three. They are and were all different in lots of things, including sleep and routines.

Dd1 slept through, 12 hours in the night (8.30pm-8.30am) 3 hours in the afternoon from about 6 weeks old. She fell naturally into a routine and all was easy. She dropped her afternoon nap only just before going to school at nearly 5yo. So clearly I did everything right.

However dd2, who I did exactly the same with. She didn't sleep more than 2 hours until she was 20 months (when the doctor gave me the wonderful, but discontinued "Medised"). She also had a scream like a banshee, and went 0-60 in about 3 seconds upon waking, so would wake the neighbourhood up. Luckily the neighbourhood was generally very nice about it. She would dose for about 40 minutes in the afternoon, but didn't settle in the evening until around 10pm, and then wake for the day sometime between 4 and 6am. She was far worse with routines - she resisted them and got unsettled.
I can assure you I tried almost everything to get her to sleep.

Ds' sleep was immediately different. In length (barring ear infections that happened regularly) his sleep was more like dd1's thankfully. However the timing was totally different. He started wanting to be put down for the night about 5pm. I'd desperately try and keep him awake a little longer and eventually put him down about 7pm.
He'd wake for the day about 6am, and then he'd have a couple of hours morning nap.

As adults, you can see this still in them.

Dd1 is a night owl, who likes her sleep. She'll often be up beyond midnight, but needs her 8 hours sleep. She prefers to have a lie in, but if she knows she won't get one will go to bed earlier. She likes her routines, and tends to do the same things before bed.

Dd2 burns the candle at both ends. She'll sometimes be still up at 2am, but then gets up no problem at 7am when she needs to, although she won't get up early unless she has to. She's not into routine - it's what she fancies on the day. She does now have lie ins when she can, although that might involve more reading than sleeping.

Ds still is a morning person. He's often up and working at 6am. If he's still in bed after 9am I know he's ill. He'll not usually be still up at midnight unless he's busy. He was and is a stickler for absolute routine - even if he is really ill and struggling to stand he'll still do what is his routine.

Even babies have their own preferences and personalities.

Hmm so do you get benefits provided to live on because your kid won't go to school

My eldest didn’t sleep through until she was 5. It turns out she has (fairly discernible) AuDHD, and it messes with her sleep patterns. We didn’t know that when she was a baby/preschooler though; we were just on our knees with tiredness. We found work arounds so that we could cope as well as we could and still function. I don’t think me being on my own would have changed that.

Maybe when they're small yes. However I work in HR and have had several cases recently where people can't come in to work due to school refusing children and end up getting themselves signed off with stress. So it can reach that point once your child is too big to.manhandle

I don’t think being more loosey goosey with routine is necessarily always about being baby led. Sometimes it’s about trying to make the baby more adaptable so it can fit better around its parents lives. I think being in a strict routine is very baby centric as your whole schedule is dictated by nap times and wake windows.

My friends who are the most routine with their children won’t leave the house at certain times because of naps, the child has to be in a dark room with white noise etc. Lunch has to be at the exact time every day because it would have a knock on effect on the rest of ‘the routine’.

I think it’s good to follow your child’s lead where it works for your family and of course we can only parent the children we have but if I had the choice I would find a very rigid routine suffocating. Somewhere in the middle for me has worked so far where I’ve felt that my child has a good routine but I still have some balance and flexibility. Though I’m open to the fact that my methods might work differently for future children.

I have struggled with my sibling having a baby for this exact reason. Some people just struggle so I try and sympathise but when your a single mum struggling on every level (alone, no help, money, working full time juggling life and a few kids) and your sibling is struggling with one with a hands on partner, lots of family help, nursery all week and no money worries, working part time my patience does run a bit thin when they say they have no time to themselves and how it was easier for me because I’m used to it!

I think saying "oh its different if they're disabled" doesn't quite work as the get out people think OP.

My DC did not sleep. We had health visitors, sleep training, advice from every man and dog.

Turns out that DC has ASD, ADHD and would never sleep ok without medication. So when would you stop judging me? At age 7 when they got a diagnosis? Would I have just been a shit parent for the first 7 years though as I couldn't just make my child sleep?

I think it's true to a certain extent...but it's easier to get there with some kids than with others.

My baby is a rubbish sleeper. When she wakes up in the night if she's not picked up immediately she will devolve into hysterics. She screams like she's being skinned alive rather than shushed and gently patted in her crib. She will go for hours. I'm sure if we waited it out she would eventually, after several weeks/months of hours of night time screaming, accept that she's not getting picked up. Or we can pick her up, hold her for 30 minutes and then put her back down. DH has vetoed the screaming approach as it ends up with all three of us not sleeping. I'm sure the neighbours would veto it too (they've been taking a lot of trips lately 😬).

Well, if your child is disabled to the point that you're unable to keep a job because you have to care for them, then yes. 🙄

That’s annoying! I’m not a single parent but have had difficult life experiences and it’s annoyed me when people have said ‘oh strawberry you’re so strong, I could manage’. Like I had a choice.

But saying that I do think some people have better capacity to cope with stress/ challenges whatever? Whether that’s through personality or just circumstances. Some people have a tendency to crumble with pressure and are definitely less resilient than others. I wonder how much this plays a part too?

For example, I have one friend who has confided that she’s staying with her partner at least until the intense baby/ toddler years are done as doesn’t think she’d cope without him. While I know others would just up and leave, knowing it might be hard but believing they can do it alone.

I suspect what OP means is you would’ve ignored them.

i also have a non sleeping 7 year old DC with ASD & ADHD. I imagine OP means doing all the things I was told to do which boil down to ignoring them before they were mobile, and ignoring them and adding some form of containment of them after.

which is my point that yes, objectively one can do this, but it would make me feel like a shit parent so I didn’t.

School refusal on its own. Is not a disability

This is just bollocks op

Sorry.

Ive had to stop working because my autistic child wont do many things like go to school.

Its an absolute nightmare and believe me unless you walk a mile.in another parents shoes you have no idea

Come on now

Op has said already that its different if you have a ND child

I do and it was my job as a parent to ensure that non negotiable things were taught.
We have children in the UK who dont know how to brush their teeth, don't bathe, eat with their hands not able to use cutlery, not potty trained( not always possible) wont go to bed.
Refusing to go in the car , unsafe near roads.

For no other reason than parents don't know how or cant be bothered to teach their children.
One of mine is ND , they were taught all these things,as it would be neglect otherwise.

If your DC is so disabled they will never learn these skills , then Op isn't referring to you !

A poorly parented kid who doesn't want to go to school isn't bloody disabled, just taking the piss 🙄

My point is that at the age of five you don't necessarily know your child is autistic. You just get judged for shit parenting.

For not making them eat what everyone else eats or sleep on command.

Poor op.

She's the mum of one child and thinks she knows it all.

Mind I'd have been the same if I'd just had one and she happened to be my middle one.

Luckily I'd had a highly strung, high needs, full of tantrums, colicky baby as my first and knew that easy second one was just lucky.

Third somewhere in between.

Hats off to all single parents, really.

But to sound so hard and judgey about others after bringing up one child! No idea of what anyone else has to face with such limited experience.

You are correct that I could have left dd to get to sleep on her own, but it would have been immensely painful for both of us. I chose to stay with her, and I appreciate that I was lucky to be able to. Yes I created a rod for my own back, but I did it with my eyes open because I was not prepared to put her through that level of distress, and I didn’t have to.

It sounds like you only have one child @Youurrs , have two or three more and then you might get an inkling that not all babies are the same.