To think if you had to, you’d be able to do this?! (Parenting)

[Youurrs]

It was just me and my baby from when he was around 5 weeks old. I had absolutely no choice but to sort a sleep routine and subsequently have organisation and a routine after nursery and bedtimes (almost always on time) because I literally would not have been able to look after my child if I didn’t, as a single parent and then as a working single parent after maternity leave finished.

I have noticed that mums who have no choice seem to make these things work, those who have options seem to struggle. For instance my sister went through several weeks of walking everywhere with her dd as she couldn’t get dd in the car seat. I could not identify with this as I HAD to get my child in the car to go to work. There was no option. Yet she will to this day say it was impossible to get her child in the car.

Have other people noticed this? Maybe it’s just my personal experience from some small examples!

I think that we get so used to whatever resources we have available that this shapes the way we parent and what is normal for us. For example, my sister lives at the other side of the country and she and her husband had no day to day family support. They therefore juggled all childcare between them, whilst working. On the other hand, I had two sets of hand on grandparents nearby and therefore, we have both managed to continue working FT, no real worries about childcare etc. If this had abruptly changed, we would have been stuck! We’d have adjusted.

Unless you're going to tell me that you now have an adult DC and you floated through parenting like it was the easiest job in the world, then I'll just sit back and smile and say your parenting challenge will come sooner or later and you won't be able to just push through and solve it immediately 'because you have to'.

But if I am wrong and you did ace the whole parenting thing and have launched your DC into the world with not one initially insurmountable issue, then please do write a book to share your knowledge and wisdom with the rest of us lowly unskilled parents.

I agree its the same if someone has multiples there has to be a strict routine and a kind of tough shit approach to be able to survive if you had triplets there would be none of this pissing about.

Ha, you didn’t meet our daughter! Son a completely different character.
Both adults now, still wildly different but each fabulous people.

Perhaps you were lucky, OP, and didn’t have an oppositional child.

You are obviously an amazing parent, well done! My DS2 screamed the house down for the first 2 years of his life. He'd pass out for 20 minutes and then scream for 6 hours straight, on a loop. I could just about manhandle him into a car seat or buggy, but he'd soon escape. I felt like a failure enough at the time, especially as he was so different to DS1, but it turns out he is autistic and simply couldn't cope.

Another one with multiples here. People used to be horrified that when one baby woke up, I would wake the other to feed change and so on. But if I wanted to actually have any sleep at any point during a 24 hour cycle, that’s how it had to be.

You had to prioritize working to afford to live, and care for your child, so you had to push on even if your child cried in the car because you had no other choice.
When you do have another choice, sometimes you prioritize what you perceive to be what's best for baby over other things. For me, when my firstborn hated going in the car, we went out less because we could, and it didn't feel worth the stress on him (and me, listening to him cry). My 4th child, on the other hand, also hated the car and screamed, but I had no other choice but to take him anyway, because my other children had to go to school. It didn't make the situation better, and it wasn't in the best interests of my baby at the time, but it was what had to happen. Some people are in a situation where they can worry more about the baby and that's okay.

A pretty smug post from OP here! And a pretty small sample size of two (her and her sister).

As PPs have said, all kids are different. Definitely don’t agree that it’s all down to how you parent them… Probably a mix of nature and nurture with this stuff.

And I’ve been there re single parent - I did have one that liked me staying with him to go to sleep - we coped 😊 house stuff still got done, still made it to work!

I’ll buy that book 😄 completely agree btw…

I remember a friend who had two easy ish babies who slept well regularly from day 1 telling me that she would insist on a strict bedtime routine, sleep trained really early, gave solids really early claiming that she wouldn't "put up" with a kid that messed around at bedtime or woke in the night. She insisted that it was because she needed her adult time in the evenings and her solid 8 hours that her kids complied because they had to.

Obviously I was just a flaky, pushover listening to my DD scream the house down all through the night, letting her "get away" with co-sleeping. I must not want it enough.

It is so tempting to agree with you. And then suddenly you’re faced with one of these situations, where your child is the only one who won’t do this one thing unless XY happens. And suddenly you’ve got egg on your face and you’re feeling a bit more sympathetic. So while I voted YANBU, because on balance I think people don’t make enough effort with things, I also think there are many times when people are tearing their hair out and have tried everything to solve a problem. And you have your routine nails now, but that’s not to say your child won’t go through a period of regression.

It is because child led parenting has gone too far. Parents need to provide the boundaries within which the child can lead. So many parents let the child set the boundaries too. It is so so wrong and why we have an increasingly entitled society where people don't accept the boundaries of others.

Maybe you should think harder…

honest though my reasoning was that I was so so tired…it was that or have her get up looking for me every 5 mins, I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t cook anything, I couldn’t have a shower and bedtime would take 30-40mins… laying with her it took 10 mins and we had a cuddle and a chat. My dd is 13 now and what do you know…she goes to bed by herself so no it hasn’t stopped her learning how to do that!!
I personally loved those moments. I still lay beside my 10yr old DS for 10mins and chat before bed (used to be until he slept) it’s in those moments they tell me they’re stories and anything that may be bothering them. To me THAT is loving them and being present…to you that is nonsense. Each to their own!

Isn't the saying 'Necessity is the Mother of invention'?

If we have to do something e.g get child to childcare so we can go to work, then we find a way to make it happen.

Yes, it can be stressful initially if the child resists the carseat/buggy/cot or whatever it is we need to use, but children adapt to the circumstances too eventually, and life goes on.

No parent wants to see their child upset or distressed etc, but there are bigger 'needs' that simply must be prioritised and be taken care of i.e earning money, shopping, cooking etc etc.

The problems arise when parents put the baby/child 'wants' above the whole families 'needs'.

When you hand absolute power like that to any member of the family, chaos will undoubtedly ensue...

I think it’s true to an extent, but you shouldn’t underestimate how much some kids are naturally compliant and some just aren’t.

On a side point, I go to a lot of camps with my kids, big groups of kids and their parents, and I’ve noticed how many parents take a small trait in their kids and massively lean into it to the detriment of the child, eg He’s shy, he won’t want to play with that big group of kids or he won’t go on that big slide, so the child hangs back until an older kid or adult says come on everyone we’re going and they get caught up in it and do the same things all the other kids do and enjoy it! Looping it back to what you’re saying I find a lot of parents don’t push their kids even slightly out of their comfort zone and I think that’s one of the approaches that causes some of the issues you mentioned.

This thread reminds me of my ex MIL for some reason…she would say things that made me want to scream!
example…” when DS was born the nurse has told me to feed him every three hours as he was so small, I never fed any of mine every three hours so I opted for every four hours. I had things to do! I didn’t do him any harm!
next breath…” Poor DS he was so small, I found it so hard to get him to gain weight and he cried all the time”

I used to sit, they’re thinking you fucking fool it’s because he was fucking starving!

second example… “ children are very resilient there’s no need to pander to the first sign of colds and flu, send them to school, they’ll be fine!”
the next day she would say “ Poor X they were always sick…always getting temperatures, they were always crying that they were unwell”

Give me fucking strength! I’m so glad I don’t need to listen to her anymore because I reckon if I had to listen to her now, I’d actually blow up in her face.
She criticised everyone couldn’t understand why the lady across the road with twins couldn’t just get on with it. “Well, because we’re not all as perfect as you apparently.” 🙄 rant over!!

I think it’s very easy when you have one child / your first child to fall into the trap of thinking you’ve cracked whatever aspect of parenting you perceive others are doing wrong because you’ve done it differently. I made the same mistake until my subsequent children proved I’d experienced a mixture of luck / necessity / my first child suiting my instinctive parenting style and was quickly humbled 🤣

That’s quite different, I think.

I’ve had to put DD and DS into the car, of course. DS rarely minded, DD hated it and screams so we all got upset but we had to go places, I had to work, DS needed to be at preschool.

But I could never sleep train, even when it meant I’d been awake basically all night. I went to work tired. I still sit with them both to go to sleep. The shirts and washing up and stuff happens afterwards. Sleep training wasn’t for me and my children are not the type, so far, that can settle to sleep without me. If I leave, DS wakes up in the night. If I stay, he doesn’t. It typically only takes 20 minutes or so, although on occasion it takes a lot longer… But I can’t square sleep training in my mind, and I wanted my children to know I’d always go to them if they needed me, and so far I don’t regret that, but I'm sure I look and feel a lot older for it.

It’s just different boundaries and capabilities, isn’t it. I’m sure there’s benefits to all approaches. I’m fairly sure that as an adult, you’d never know if you were sleep trained or not, unless your parents tell you - the only possible sign is probably in your relationship with your parents and we’re a long way from anyone studying that in any type of statistically significant way.

DS hated his pram, so he walked. He could walk for ages from an early age, because there wasn’t another option. It was pram or walking and I didn’t take the pram if he wanted to walk.

Please stop referring to this extremely damaging, upsetting issue as a trend, like it's a choice. Many parents of school avoiders have had to give up work to home school them. And most have been at the end of their tether and have the physical and emotional battle scars to prove it. With respect, you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about until you have a child with sen who has reached burnout/ shutdown. The reason it's a growing 'trend' as you so nicely put it, is because their needs are not met in schools where there's an ever increasing, relentless drive for performance and targets, and support is inadequate because the system is broken. There is literally nowhere else for them to go due to inadequate alternative provision.

I would have absolutely agreed with you after my first child. He was in a routine from a few weeks old, slept through the night by around 8 weeks. Was breast fed but took a bottle when needed. We never sat with him at bedtime, we did the usual bedtime stuff then left the room and he would fall asleep by himself. I was smug, it was clearly because we were so consistent and had such an amazing routine. He was a contented easy toddler etc, no issues with going to childcare or school, generally easy.

Then I had DS2. Parented exactly the same way. Screamed pretty much continuously, didn’t sleep through the night till he was 6 YEARS old. Wouldn’t take a bottle (screamed for 6 hours straight for dh rather than take even a mouthful from a bottle.) Was very fussy with food for a looong time. He was fine with car seat but pushchairs were a nightmare. As a toddler he could escape from anything, no matter how many extra straps. Getting ds1 to school was almost impossible as ds2 would flip out the top of the pushchairs screaming hysterically most mornings. More than once a neighbour would pass us while she was taking her children to school and scoop up my ds1 on the way past as she could see I wouldn’t be able to get him to school otherwise. I worked but shifts, ds2 didn’t cope with childcare, so I worked night shifts (so up all day, worked all night then up all next day with kids.) Had one night of broken sleep (non sleeping child) then did the same again the next night. Then worked a 13 hour shift at the weekend. Believe me, this wasn’t what I wanted to do!! It nearly broke me. If I could have ‘just made him go to nursery’ I would absolutely have done that.

I was so sure that DS1’s excellent sleeping and eating and general happy contented demeanour was down to parenting. Turns out it was just luck! DS2 has no additional needs, he is a lovely teenager now. But was incredibly challenging as a baby/toddler/young child. We made it work (because I could change my work pattern.) But it is far too simplistic to say all children will fit in with what you need if you try hard enough. Some kids really aren’t on board with this plan! And be careful about being too smug about your amazing parenting creating lovely compliant children who fit in with what’s needed. It’s is honestly mostly down to luck!

Absolutely ridiculous
This is whys we have adults who go off on long-term sick because they can't get the bus or wake up for work.
Its neglect essentially

Parents need to parent
They set the rules and boundaries
There is nothing more miserable than a small child who has a useless parent who is so wet they cant say no.

Are you ok? I’m not sure what about my comment has triggered you so badly. And how you got your conclusion about adults being on sick because some parents chose different things.

Maybe a cup of tea to chill you out!

My kids always been a bad sleeper and I went to worked and struggled to function. I had no choice turned out she had an illness and people assumed the same as you. Maybe get of your high horse and think there may be struggling with certain aspects of parenting because all kids are different. Also smashed a 2.1 in a part time degree as well as holding my part time job down. I just had a lot of caffeine. I had no choice but to carry on with the crap. You’re lucky you had a kid that complied.

I understand what you mean but sometimes parents are in tune with their children in a way that others don't understand.
My child is diagnosed with autism and adhd now, I didn't know this as a baby but there were certain things I felt he needed and others told me I was .making a rod for my own back and questioned him not sleeping through the night but I carried on doing what I felt he needed and then it emerged he was autistic. Some people do have more difficult babies than others.