To think if you had to, you’d be able to do this?! (Parenting)

[Youurrs]

It was just me and my baby from when he was around 5 weeks old. I had absolutely no choice but to sort a sleep routine and subsequently have organisation and a routine after nursery and bedtimes (almost always on time) because I literally would not have been able to look after my child if I didn’t, as a single parent and then as a working single parent after maternity leave finished.

I have noticed that mums who have no choice seem to make these things work, those who have options seem to struggle. For instance my sister went through several weeks of walking everywhere with her dd as she couldn’t get dd in the car seat. I could not identify with this as I HAD to get my child in the car to go to work. There was no option. Yet she will to this day say it was impossible to get her child in the car.

Have other people noticed this? Maybe it’s just my personal experience from some small examples!

Maybe some, but tbh I've been in tears most of this week with the realisation that given my 11yr Dd now having significant struggles with school, having already gone through this with my 16yr Dd (who is now reasonably settled into college after years of me juggling school runs, school refusal, supporting her and a full-time career, a career that I was devastated to reduce my hours due to her struggles) I will now be facing this with my 11yr old. It's not learned behaviour as my 11yr old is distraught herself that she feels unable to go to school. I'm now looking at needing to actually leave my job, to enable me to be available for my children (single parent here) I've reduced my hours, changed my shifts, dropped down a pay band, but I just cannot make it work. The thought of being a sahm devastates me as I have worked so f**cling hard for this job. So believe me, if it was as simple as 'just sending them to school ' I absolutely would be. On a side note for OP, both my children as babies and toddlers were good as gold, barely missed school or primary, I had it so easy, but as I know now this can change without warning and become a impossible situation, if my kids can't go to school I cannot to work, theres very little choice in that.

They probably mean it's not worth having an upset child every evening for weeks to get back 15/20 minutes of their evening?

Sometimes it's just parental preference or meeting your kids needs if you feel you can balance them with your sanity? Obviously if supporting your child to sleep was having a huge affect on you then you might look at changing it.

Your posts read as quite smug and judgemental!

And it being down right dangerous! DD went through a car hating phase where she screamed and I definitely avoided driving as much as possible as it made me a terrible driver! Yes we did sometimes have no choice.

Necessity is the mother of invention. Also a single parent for most of my time as a mother. It’s amazing what you can do when your back is against the wall.

I think you are spouting nonsense. You had a a baby that was manageable and you were also motivated to have a routine. It worked for you.

If you had an infant that you much later found out had ASD, no amount of effort to establish routines and keep your life on track would have succeeded. You would have been right there with the rest of us, nearly broken and desperately trying anything we could to get some shred of our lives and sanity back.

Meanwhile, smug people would be telling you that if you just put your baby on a routine and were firm about boundaries your life wouldn’t be so hard.

am I still bitter 16 years later that I was met with parenting criticism instead of sympathy? why yes, yes I am.

You are answering yourself. You didn’t have a choice. Your car seat example, if your child hysterically cried every time you put them in and you had a choice to not do that what would you chose? Would you walk or take a bus or put your child through something they clearly find traumatic?

Thats the difference. If we don’t HAVE to do something and chose to do something else what does it matter? It doesn’t affect your life.

Some things are possible but not preferable. My first baby was a velcro one - from birth she would shout the house down if we even attempted to put her down to sleep on her own. No amount of swaddling, sleeping bags, white noise, "drowsy but awake", wake windows etc. would do it - it was just her way. I know this even more now I have a second.

If I'd had no other choice (e.g. due to perform surgery the next day) I suppose I could have popped her in the cot and stuck some earplugs in but I doubt that would have been great for either of us. So we just stuck it out until she got better. I appreciate that's a luxury you did not have, OP - it doesn't mean we approached it in the wrong way, in the same way it doesn't mean you did. Everyone's just working with what they've got.

I just think all children are different and you definitely can't generalise on the basis of one child

It’s true that people have to be pushed to an extent but there is a balance. A relative was a school refuser as a child. She would cry until she was sick. Guidance was to force her to go. She developed severe agoraphobia that lasted into adult life. The current trends are a reaction against the previous attitudes of ‘there’s nothing wrong with you, stop being silly and get on with it’ that caused serious harm to a lot of people.

A friend of mine did lose her job due to difficulties with her child. He wouldn’t be left at nursery, she was willing to leave him but in the end the nursery said they couldn’t deal with him. She tried a childminder, same thing. She tried to sleep train as she was desperate, she even got someone in to help with sleep training and she couldn’t solve it. He also hated the car although she did always get him in but he would scream until he was taken out of the car or until he fell asleep exhausted from screaming if it was a longer journey.

She had an older child and had dealt with the ‘normal’ tantrums and refusal etc, but her youngest was just something else.

She’d have thought like you before having her second child.

To add, when I say he wouldn’t sleep alone, he would bang his head on the cot or walls, he would cry so hard he’d be sick and even had nose bleeds!

I agree OP. I was always so shocked when some of my friends would go to their child or every single wimper! If they are safe, clean, dry, full belly etc then I’m sorry but life goes on and they quickly learn not to fuss over nothing.

Not always true. I had the routine, the sleeping, the eating etc all in hand with my first. I wasn't a single mum but my partner worked away so I did it all by myself 5 full days and nights. Like OP I thought it was me! Then I had my second and it all went out the window. He wouldnt sleep, eat, lie on mat without screaming, be held without screaming, unless he wanted to. I was the same, trying the same things. Babies are just different.

You were fortunate to get a child that worked for. If you had a child that didn't work for, you'd have still made it work, just in a different way.

I do mostly agree with you op but I think there’s another side to it. It’s easier to make difficult choices when you HAVE to do it. If your baby screams and is distressed the whole time they’re in their car seat but they have to be in it so you can get to work and keep a roof over your heads then yes they’re going in the car seat.

If you actually have a choice to not put them in the car seat and them to scream and be distressed (because you’re not doing something non-negotiable like going to work) then that’s harder to do because there’s an alternative. In that scenario letting them scream and be distressed feels like a choice.

Another example might be sleep training, for some parents it’s an absolute must because they physically cannot function with baby walking in the night. For others they might need less sleep or can catch up with naps during the day or have helpful grandparents who’ll take baby so they can rest. To those people sleep training might seem cruel but they’re not dealing with the same reality as the other parent. That doesn’t make their experience invalid but it’s not relevant to scenario A where the parent needs the baby in a set routine so they can function and parent properly.

Also if you’re not a single parent you have to weigh up the other parents opinions and ideas on how to manage difficult situations or challenging behaviours, which can sometimes be at odds with what you’d do yourself. You can’t always just choose to get on with it in your own way because there’s other parent has the right to input too and might feel differently or want to try different approaches.

I definitely find it easier to plan and be decisive when my partners not around e.g. away for work because I get to call all the shots and have less flexibility so my priorities are crystal clear. I only have so much time and things need to just get done no ifs or buts. Of course there are huge positives to sharing the load in other ways but trying to share a different perspective.

I find your posts a bit smug. You sound like your baby was easy to manage around sleeping.

If I were to be equally smug I would reply that it always amazes me when people say the can't eat or do household chores unless their baby is asleep or someone else takes them. I always ate dinner with my toddlers, and children, and before they started solids they sat in a highchair or baby recliner or my lap
. Washing got done fine before bedtime. So maybe you aren't as organised as you think. And yes, I parented alone 5 full days and nights every week, two children.

Of course I did. But that didn't stop my child being a nightmare for not sleeping! The point is that it wasn't me having to work that made any difference. I was permanently exhausted and rocked when teaching some days.

There will always be exceptions of course but many things that seem too difficult to do, we find we can do them when we have no other option.
When I read about parents saying they cannot get their children to keep hats and gloves on, that its impossible, I know they would have to if they lived where I live - when its -20 there is no option to let a child take their hat and gloves off, they have to wear them no matter how much they hate them. Consequently, its never a complaint I hear from local parents, they all just get on with it because there's no other option.

People won't understand unless they've had a baby like this. It's like saying that adults just have to 'crack on and get on with things' in difficult situations. Lots of adults will do exactly this, but there are some due to disposition, temperament and probably some Neurodivergent traits that simply can't.

Some babies are unbelievably fussy. Sometimes it's because they have some underlying health condition like reflux, constipation or colic. Sometimes it's just due to the fact that they are high needs babies that are much more challenging to parent. Pretending that these babies will behave like other babies if you just treat them the same is nonsense. For example, I had a baby that hated the car due to car sickness and would be sick in any car journey beyond 5 minutes. If my job depended on it then I might have put my baby through that twice a day but it's hard to say and I suspect I would have done an awful lot to avoid it including looking for alternative work options.

I think the idea that parents generally make a rod for their own back is rubbish. Most people want an easy life and most of us are pretty lazy. If you see a parent pacing the streets because it's the only way their baby will nap or enduring nights of broken sleep then it's almost always because they can't find an alternative that works for them. Not because they haven't tried everything they can.

Well this is a smug thread. But if it makes you feel better, OP!

I think you're making general statements based on your own experience. I have a friend whose a single mum with two kids and says all sorts of things are impossible with her kids and has had to severely limit her life because of the handful that her kids are.

Both are likely to be diagnosed with ADHD and they're lovely sweet boys but driving with both of them screaming and getting themselves out of every type of car seat strap possible doesn't make for safe driving.

She is an amazing mum and does what she can, but you probably won't find her crowing about how great she is, so perhaps you just don't hear as much from those exhausted mums who are doing their absolute best but don't want everyone to judge them

I bet my kids would keep hats and gloves on in -20, they're less concerned when it's 2c and to be honest I'm really only forcing hats and gloves on them because of other judgey parents

I was on my own A LOT(3-4weeks at a time) when my dc were babies as my dh worked away so yeah I still had to just get on with it…BUT I lay with mine until the were asleep. Why? Because it suited me to do it that way. We are all different I suppose, I’m sure there’s an aspect of your
parenting that I wouldn’t entertain @Youurrs

Oh come on! She's obviously speaking in general terms.

I completely agree with you. You had to.

However when others have support they can make different choices

I don’t want to leave my child to cry it out, so I partake in the “nonsense” that another poster has described above by sitting with her until she’s asleep. I am sure she would eventually go to sleep if I just left her, it is not impossible if I didn’t sit with her, but I don’t want her to be distressed and I don’t want to listen to her scream. So that’s my choice. Of course my husband is down stairs clearing up after dinner. So I sympathise. You have to make tough choices when you’re doing it alone

But for a poster above to call choices that other women make “nonsense” is unfair. I am not going to criticise you for getting into a routing or possibly sleep training at 5 weeks because you needed to so let’s stop demonising what other people do.

My son is a school refuser and I work full time. For the last 3 years I have spent hours trying to get him to go to school each morning. He is 16 - I have often had to leave him at home and just go to work. Or be late, work late, work weekends. If I had a less flexible job I would have just had to leave him at home more as I couldn’t financially not work. People who don’t work are not more likely to have a school refuser- they are just better able to accommodate it.