To think if you had to, you’d be able to do this?! (Parenting)

[Youurrs]

It was just me and my baby from when he was around 5 weeks old. I had absolutely no choice but to sort a sleep routine and subsequently have organisation and a routine after nursery and bedtimes (almost always on time) because I literally would not have been able to look after my child if I didn’t, as a single parent and then as a working single parent after maternity leave finished.

I have noticed that mums who have no choice seem to make these things work, those who have options seem to struggle. For instance my sister went through several weeks of walking everywhere with her dd as she couldn’t get dd in the car seat. I could not identify with this as I HAD to get my child in the car to go to work. There was no option. Yet she will to this day say it was impossible to get her child in the car.

Have other people noticed this? Maybe it’s just my personal experience from some small examples!

I was a child who was terrified of the dark and hated school (now know I am AuDHD). My mum forced me to sleep in my own room from a young age and I very rarely missed a day of school. I had to just get on with it as she was non negotiable about pandering to me. However my relationship with her is emotionally distant, and as an adult I suffer with panic attacks as I can’t recognise when a situation is overwhelming for me, I have no boundaries.

yes as a parent who forces your child to comply with what is easier / necessary for the adult to do you might find your child does just get on with it. But that doesn’t necessarily make it a good thing.

Nah not with you here OP. Slept on the floor of my second child's room holding his hand through the cot bars so he would sleep while working FT as a teacher.

Agree, it isn't just with parenting though, it's everything.

If yo have no option you find a way and get on with it.

I actually think it's a big reason why people used to be mentally healthier. They now think so many things are optional, they don't do what needs to be done to cope, and think they can't.

Sorry OP, while I can see your point and agree with you on things like the carseat, it sounds like you had an easy baby.

Mine woke every 45 minutes until aged 18 months, reflux, wouldn't be put down, needed to be held... I tried sleep training several times as I was pretty broken with the lack of sleep. Inevitably he screamed until he'd vomit

But yeah, for mild tempered babies with no medical issues (lucky parents!), you're likely largely right

Agree with you to a certain extent- I've also mainly been on my own since DC was weeks old. However, I always lie with DC to fall asleep (and still breastfeed) and definitely don't have a strict routine- my house is a tip tbh However yeah I do think it when I hear people saying their partner is out for the evening/away for a weekend and it's so hard and how do people cope on their own- the answer is, you just have to!

TBF not being homeless because the parent has lost their job is 'necessary' for the child as well as the adult.

Yes, generalising means "in general", not "in every instance."

Indeed, and it isn't just with parenting.
I've been struggling with my mental health since childhood (recently diagnosed AuDHD) and often counted on my parents to stop panic attacks/speak to teachers/generally manage my life.

Then I went to university 5 hours away and naturally they didn't follow, so I learned really quickly how capable I was. Not up to cooking? My choices were either cook or go hungry. Panic attack? Better get it under control quickly or it's just going to drag on. My missing classes for minor issues vanished once I had a professor give 20% extra credit for 100% attendance and I relied on those 20% to actually not fail the class.

I genuinely believe going away was the making of me, as I finally discovered what was uncomfortable but doable and what I simply wasn't able to do. I suppose parenting would be similar - sometimes it's easier and certainly more convenient to just avoid areas of struggle, but once it can't be avoided, uncomfortable as it is (especially getting used to it!) it can probably be done.

Children are all different, my eldest still requires we sit next to him as he falls asleep. Otherwise he just won’t go to sleep, so you still can’t get on with things. Youngest alls asleep no problem without us there. Had I had him first, I’d be wondered why there were people mad enough to stay in their kids rooms as they fall asleep.

so, single parents are better parents because they can cope with anything and partnered parents are worse because they're lazy? seems to be the gist of your post. do you think leaving her partner would make your sister as good a parent as you? do you think you getting into a relationship would make your a worse, lazy parent?

I do think kids are different though. My parents sleep trained all my siblings - tried to sleep train me (I'm pretty stubborn) and apparently I screamed at the top of my lungs for hours, so long that I made myself throw up over the entire bedroom. They had to give up sleep training because I made myself ill apparently.

My two DD have very different personalities. One is very easy to get into a routine and the other isn't!

I think this is it - you don't know what you can't do, and what you think you can't do, until the rubber hits the oad and you try.

And there is almost always a differernce between those two things.

The important thing is though, I think once they know the difference, people are usually much better off, and much happier. And they find it easier to try next time something seems impossible.

but being in a relationship doesn't mean you don't need to work. just because your sister is a sahp doesn't mean every other married mother is.

I agree with the general principle of when you have to do it, you do. as a mother of a child with complex needs and then twins l, the "oh I couldn't cope with all that" just feels condescending
most people just would.
but I don't think it's about whether you're a single parent or not as some sort of higher creeed of mother

Well, yes. Of course. The difference is in the child’s experiences.

It's quite obvious OP isn't talking about disabled children.

I sort of agree.

i never believed in babies who wouldn’t take a bottle. After having my first who would have both breast and bottle. I thought their parents just didn’t try hard enough.

my second ‘refused’. By that I mean as a 3mo would prefer to not drink milk for 6 hours. She would be hungry and cry for 2hrs.

Obviously if I got hit by a bus eventually she would have to have drunk from a bottle. But I was aware I hadn’t been hit by a bus, and was just having a coffee nearby to train her to drink from a bottle, so after a few attempts felt bad.

mainly I agree with you (also as a single working parent).

but I also think you do what you can in that moment and it doesn’t always feel like a choice.

My husband has worked away for work and family emergencies on a few occasions since DS was born (now nearly 3). I found myself much more organised when I was by myself, and everything worked smoother. My son knowing it was only me, understood and didn't kick off nearly as much as he does when both parents are at home.
ETA I was still working 4 days a week.

Maybe, but when we tried to sleep train DS he screamed throughout the night for multiple nights. It looks like he probably has ADHD, but we certainly didn't know that then. I think there's often misunderstanding on both sides: maybe she would have to do things differently if she was a single working parent; maybe you would have had to do things differently with a different DC.

I certainly wouldn't have chosen 3.5 years of multiple wake ups per night if I could have avoided it. I'm thankful that I wasn't working full time and that DP did the occasional wake up or night because I probably would have had a mental breakdown if I'd been trying to work full time with that amount of sleep.

I was a smug fucker like you OP until my second child landed. Sleep is, and will always be, for the weak to him.

yes but I presume you still go to work. Or still get up the next morning - without sleep - and mind him if you are at home. The reality is - outside disabilities - we just have to get on with it to make life work for us. And I think that is what OP is saying.

I might have agreed with you if I hadn’t met my niece. I worked night shift (back to work when they were 16 weeks) so synchronised napping in the afternoons and bedtime with no fuss was essential for ds1 and ds2. They didn’t have a choice and I had it perfected. However my niece would only sleep on my sister’s chest and she cried All. The. Time. I’m just lucky I got the easier babies.

Agree with this. When people say I couldn't/they wouldn't, they don't mean physically impossible, they mean that when you balance the potential positive outcome against the upset/disruption in trying to get there, the cost/benefit doesn't weigh up.

Obviously, anyone could leave their child at bedtime and get on with chores, some would be fine from the outset, some wouldnt like it but if perservered with would adjust to the new routine, but most parents, if it's not essential, will opt not to upset their child unnecessarily if there is an alternative that is sustainable for them. And that's fine and expected

We parent according to circumstance. I'm sure there are parents in developing and war torn countries currently parenting in way and making decisions that we never would, and would claim impossible, but they're doing what they need to do.

So are you OP, and so are parents who 'cant' get their baby in the car. Their a baby, of course you could overpower them and get them in the seat whether they liked it or not, and they'd probably get used to it eventually, but if you don't need to do that, you might choose an alternative route

Could it be the opposite. People whose kids present challenges some how find the alternative options, as they have to. There are always options. It might selling your house or changing your job or whatever but you do what you have to.

I presume your sister means, she didn't see it necessary to physically overpower her child because she had the alternative option of walking. Avd wherever she was going wasn't time critical so maybe not work.
If you have to go somewhere and you have to go in the car, then of course getting in the car seat is non negotiable. But if you can walk or bus, then why wouldn't you, because it avoids child being distressed and parent being stressed.

Those who have options seem to struggle? That sounds like bitterness that you had no "options".

I had no options - no family, DH working long shifts and often away - and I still struggled to get my kid to sleep. Struggled to the point of daydreaming about suicide because I was so sleep deprived. I tried everything. Nothing worked. She has no disabilities. She was just one of those babies. I'm glad you didn't get one, but maybe you should thank your lucky stars for that. It's not just weakness that makes people struggle.