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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

192 replies

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:02

I'm estranged from my DD. There is good reason, it's in the hands of the police. Ultimately i dont know if they will prosecute. I absolutely devastated by it though and I am really not looking forward to Christmas this year.

My delightful family have supported my DD and as I understand it my parents were going round telling people I had breakdown and chucked my daughter out. We have recently spoken (i actually spoke out to a few family members about what has happened which doesn't place them in a great light) but it was fraught and I'm not honestly sure i can forget the last 6 months.

I've now had a fucking "anonymous" Christmas card from my elderly uncle on the importance family and how important it is to maintain family bonds. From a "concerned grandad".

Well fuck you. How fucking dare you. I can't exactly yell at a 90 year old he's a fucking idiot and none of this was my fucking choice. Or how my patents caused a fucking drama outside my house when i was only doing what any fucking normal person would have done l. Or if he was genuinely worried he might have liked to contact me at the time. Or at the point of my sons 18 birthday which noone from my family contacted him on. Fucking self righteous that. Thank you for making a desperately sad time even more sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:04

A fucking anonymous Christmas card too. What git does that

OP posts:
francii · 12/12/2025 23:05

YABU. A 90 year old man is very unlikely to grasp the severity of a complex situation and is probably just sad thinking about you and your DD in a tough situation. I’m not judging as I was very close to a similar situation with my DD years ago and also had police involvement so I’m not doubting how awful you are feeling. But you’re letting your emotions get the better of you on this one.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 12/12/2025 23:06

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:04

A fucking anonymous Christmas card too. What git does that

A self-righteous, interfering one.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:09

francii · 12/12/2025 23:05

YABU. A 90 year old man is very unlikely to grasp the severity of a complex situation and is probably just sad thinking about you and your DD in a tough situation. I’m not judging as I was very close to a similar situation with my DD years ago and also had police involvement so I’m not doubting how awful you are feeling. But you’re letting your emotions get the better of you on this one.

Better here than contacting my cousin and asking him to break it to his dad gently that maybe he might not have a clue. Or at least don't send it on a fucking Christmas card

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francii · 12/12/2025 23:11

Actually I reckon cluing in your cousin isn’t your worst idea tbh. His dad has been a bit self righteous, yes, but within the context it does sound well-meaning. If you feel that he’s crossed a line, a word with the cousin to say please let dad know he’s overstepped and it’s complicated situation might help.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:11

I guess sending it to my parents and telling them to sort it out would not be sensible either

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Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:14

francii · 12/12/2025 23:11

Actually I reckon cluing in your cousin isn’t your worst idea tbh. His dad has been a bit self righteous, yes, but within the context it does sound well-meaning. If you feel that he’s crossed a line, a word with the cousin to say please let dad know he’s overstepped and it’s complicated situation might help.

Tbh that's my gut. I actually don't give two hoots what they think. But I'd rather not open a fucking Christmas card from anyone to that

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Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:16

Tbh i don't think I even have his address or telephone number were that close a family

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ChristmasFaery · 12/12/2025 23:18

As hurtful as this full situation sounds I’d bin the card. He’s 90, probably doesn’t have a clue of what’s actually gone on and is being fed 3rd hand information. When I cut contact with my DD (for very valid reasons) various family members felt the need to get involved - they were all told to butt out in no uncertain terms. People think blood is thicker than water in some families unfortunately.

Lemonysnickety · 12/12/2025 23:22

Family situations are incredibly complex. People often don’t get the dynamics. It is incredibly painful. I cannot tell you how many people have tried to say the same to me over the years but I’m the child not the parent. Yet lots and lots of people have fully got it and told me to stay miles away. My situation is pretty extreme.

Over time when you feel a bit more certain peoples views won’t hurt as much and you will be able to see in their own way they meant well but it comes from complete ignorance. But you are a long time off that yet.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:27

You are right. I do just need to bin it. I will do. Eventually

But it has got me so fucking angry.

It's my fucking parents. What the fuck do they expect to happen when the lie to everyone about what happened. They sprout crap about the importance of family. "All the family think blah blah blah" It's fucking embarrassing. If they think that , that's because you told them. And the only reason your even vaguely fucking talking to me is because I put a Facebook post up and now you need to save face.

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Tdcp · 12/12/2025 23:29

Just bin the card and try to forget about it. I'm estranged from my mother and brothers (her choice initially, it's been 7 years now). I had an emotionally abusive and neglectful upbringing in which I protected my brother's from the truth of how she treated me / us a little too well and they still live with her aged 30 and 36.

Anyway, I get an earful of shit from my FIL every time I'm alone with him, about how important family is, how I need to forget and build bridges, I only have one mum etc etc you name it he's said it. Fuck that. It used to REALLY fuck me off and upset me but he can have his opinions, it changes nothing in my life, he doesn't know the truth, nor is he interested, nor would it change his stance no doubt.

So yeah, bin the stupid card and put the comments at the back of your mind. You know the truth and you make your own decisions.

PInkyStarfish · 12/12/2025 23:34

You have a lot of anger. It’s just a card sent with good meaning from someone who cares about you but sadly it backfired on him as he didn’t grasp the high emotions that you are dealing with at this time.

It is obviously a very serious situation if the police are involved and unfortunately for you and others that are estranged from loved ones or bereaved, Christmas is all about happy families being together.

Try to find some peace within yourself. Find the time to get to a place of beauty and just be. Leave your troubles at home and embrace being outside. Breathe in the fresh air and let the weight lift off your shoulders. A bracing walk and you’ll return home feeling calmer and better able to deal with emotions and problems that other people cause.

…………..
‘When the mind is festering with trouble or the heart torn, we can find healing among the silence of mountains or fields, or listen to the simple, steadying rhythm of waves. The slowness and stillness gradually takes us over. Our breathing deepens and our hearts calm and our hungers relent. When serenity is restored, new perspectives open to us and difficulty can begin to seem like an invitation to new growth.

This invitation to friendship with nature does of course entail a willingness to be alone out there. Yet this aloneness is anything but lonely. Solitude gradually clarifies the heart until a true tranquility is reached. The irony is that at the heart of that aloneness you feel intimately connected with the world. Indeed, the beauty of nature is often the wisest balm for it gently relieves and releases the caged mind.’

JOHN O'DONOHUE

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:39

Lemonysnickety · 12/12/2025 23:22

Family situations are incredibly complex. People often don’t get the dynamics. It is incredibly painful. I cannot tell you how many people have tried to say the same to me over the years but I’m the child not the parent. Yet lots and lots of people have fully got it and told me to stay miles away. My situation is pretty extreme.

Over time when you feel a bit more certain peoples views won’t hurt as much and you will be able to see in their own way they meant well but it comes from complete ignorance. But you are a long time off that yet.

If they cared about me they would have contacted my through my sons illness. Or his 18th birthday. Or when the shit hit the fan.

They didn't I dealt. On my own. I had peace then. Just send a fucking Christmas card as normal.

Yes I'm angry. Hence me mumsnet posting

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BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/12/2025 23:45

Your elderly uncle hails from the same dysfunctional family as your elders. So he is probably in denial or blind to the abuse you endured. He is part of the same system and enmeshed it in. It is probably easier for him to point the finger rather than truly reflect.

Honestly Op,, I would burn the card (form of therapy) and ignore him going forward.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/12/2025 23:47

Snd you are probably the family scapegoat, the one who everyone gangs up on to feel better about themselves.

Balab · 12/12/2025 23:50

I’d stick it in the bin and try to forget it. Rip it up first if it helps. And don’t bother talking to any of them about it.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:53

Trying.

Id had a really lovely night out too. Got home to that

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Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:55

Can I send him a Christmas card saying love to sort it out with my DD but unfortunately i dont she'll ever forgive me for reporting her to the police?

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Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:56

No i know bin it and move on.

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BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/12/2025 23:56

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:53

Trying.

Id had a really lovely night out too. Got home to that

I know how you feel Op. I was in a similar situation.

Honestly, the only way to have freedom is to distance yourself from these people. Low contact, and zero reactions.

They will never change. Save your energy.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 12/12/2025 23:57

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:55

Can I send him a Christmas card saying love to sort it out with my DD but unfortunately i dont she'll ever forgive me for reporting her to the police?

Don't. 100% ignore him. There is no talking to people like that.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:58

Just need to remind myself of that

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Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:58

Repeatedly

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BoundaryGirl3939 · 13/12/2025 00:00

Find a good therapist. And stay away from abusive and toxic family members.