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Original poster

How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

192 replies

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:02

I'm estranged from my DD. There is good reason, it's in the hands of the police. Ultimately i dont know if they will prosecute. I absolutely devastated by it though and I am really not looking forward to Christmas this year.

My delightful family have supported my DD and as I understand it my parents were going round telling people I had breakdown and chucked my daughter out. We have recently spoken (i actually spoke out to a few family members about what has happened which doesn't place them in a great light) but it was fraught and I'm not honestly sure i can forget the last 6 months.

I've now had a fucking "anonymous" Christmas card from my elderly uncle on the importance family and how important it is to maintain family bonds. From a "concerned grandad".

Well fuck you. How fucking dare you. I can't exactly yell at a 90 year old he's a fucking idiot and none of this was my fucking choice. Or how my patents caused a fucking drama outside my house when i was only doing what any fucking normal person would have done l. Or if he was genuinely worried he might have liked to contact me at the time. Or at the point of my sons 18 birthday which noone from my family contacted him on. Fucking self righteous that. Thank you for making a desperately sad time even more sad

OP posts:
Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 11:10

Bambamhoohoo · 13/12/2025 11:01

Ringing the police and forgiving them are 2 different things though aren’t they?

I can’t understand people who are shocked that a murderers parents visit them and have a relationship with them. I believe very strongly that I would stand by my children.

that doesn’t mean I don’t think they should face consequences, which are unrelated IMO. I can’t dish out HM justice but I can control whether we are estranged.

Show quote history

You cannot if your child decides to estrange because you went to the police. A relationship has two people, people can only deal with their side of the fence and lots of people don’t deal with their own side of the fence which in this case it sounds like the OP’s daughter is unwilling to do.

My own parents launched themselves into forgiving my predator brother for abusing my sister and me as many posters are advising the OP to do.

What that actually looks like from my side of the fence is they have let him dodge any accountability, minimised and denied his actions towards their daughters in his case he was still abusing my sister into her 30s, scapegoated me. I’m estranged from my whole family as a result, as I said in my first post family situations are extremely complex and people with simple ideas about how they would handle a situation are likely to be very caught out by them.

Nevereatcardboard · 13/12/2025 11:10

Fedupmumofadultsons · 13/12/2025 10:02

Sorry I am going against the grain .but nothing my children have done nor will ever do would make me estranged from them .I would always find it in my heart to forgive them .even the worst kind of crime .but I know everyone is different..if she is young find it in your heart to forgive her because if not you will be heartbroken .always always a bit missing. Her .future grandchildren a whole side of your life missing..although I do understand teenagers and young adults can be challenging

You really can’t say that without having experience of your child doing something absolutely vile. One of my DH’s siblings did something so terrible that he and his siblings will never have contact with them again. Some family rifts cannot be healed by time or well meaning relatives.

@Icedlatteplease the pain and anger about the Christmas card is so clear from your posts. I am so sorry for how it has made you feel. As pp have said, don’t reply to the card and burn it when you are ready.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 13/12/2025 11:11

Parents and uncle are probably more concerned with the family image rather than your feelings. Hence the manipulation and guilt tripping.

They probably don't want any official spotlight (police, someone being charged etc) on the dysfunction. The easiest and mort cowardly way to try avoid that is by trying to control you and have you silently swallow the abuse.

AmberSpy · 13/12/2025 11:12

TaffetaPhrases · 13/12/2025 07:58

Well op the problem is when you swear as much as you’re doing, it makes people disengage and even wondering if actually you’re the problem. Because you come across as so very aggressive. So I can’t offer advice; I’m just backing out of the thread, and I won’t be the only one.

Oh bore off

AnnieLummox · 13/12/2025 11:14

LemaxObsessive · 13/12/2025 01:05

You’re going to need to share what DD did, for any of us to give a proper objective opinion based on the context of the issue. For example, as a mother to a DD myself, I find it difficult to imagine anything my DD could do that would stop me having any contact with her, so immediately my mind goes to very, very heinous things….

Edited

She really doesn’t. You just want the dirt.

All we need to know is that OP is no contact with her daughter and that this relative is sticking his oar in. He’d still be in the wrong to do that even if what the OP’s daughter has done doesn’t (in your, my or anyone else’s opinion) deserve it. It’s not his place to interfere.

OP - just ignore him and his card. Any attempts to justify yourself just opens the door to further interference.

Allergictoironing · 13/12/2025 11:16

BoundaryGirl3939 · 13/12/2025 11:11

Parents and uncle are probably more concerned with the family image rather than your feelings. Hence the manipulation and guilt tripping.

They probably don't want any official spotlight (police, someone being charged etc) on the dysfunction. The easiest and mort cowardly way to try avoid that is by trying to control you and have you silently swallow the abuse.

This.

I remember a friend many years ago was having some serious mental health problem, and was undergoing therapy. Her father ordered her not to say anything at all to the therapist about her home life or the family dynamics - which in the view of most of her friends was one of the prime causes of her issues. He wasn't physically abusing her or anything serious or illegal, more infantilising and controlling her, but as he worked for the police in a civilian role he didn't want her "washing the family dirty linen in public" because that may affect his reputation if it got out.

AnnieLummox · 13/12/2025 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well, that was a poisonous fucking response.

Quitelikeit · 13/12/2025 11:18

So you are angry at your parents for not telling the extent of the story to your 90 yo uncle?

What if the last time they saw him they didn’t know the full extent of the story?

Im sure your child when she matures will appreciate why you did what you did

You are lending a lot of mental energy to this situation which is a complete waste

What confuses me is are you saying they expected you to withhold information from the police that would have made you guilty of being an accessory if you didn’t report it?

3WildOnes · 13/12/2025 11:20

None of us know what your daughter did so it is really hard to give much of an opinion. It's possible that your family don't think what she did warranted your response and they genuinely believe it would be in your best interests to make amends. I don't think it's worth giving too much thought to, it's usually beat to assume other people act with the best intentions even if they get things wrong.

AnnieLummox · 13/12/2025 11:21

TaffetaPhrases · 13/12/2025 07:58

Well op the problem is when you swear as much as you’re doing, it makes people disengage and even wondering if actually you’re the problem. Because you come across as so very aggressive. So I can’t offer advice; I’m just backing out of the thread, and I won’t be the only one.

You could have just “backed out” without the tedious and twee “You did a swear!! 😲😲” nonsense. Newsflash: no one cares.

UnintentionalArcher · 13/12/2025 11:23

Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 09:08

If you think the problem is someone swearing when they are upset, you must have very small problems in your life indeed.

Most of my family i haven't even spoken to.

You're backing out of a thread you chose to enter (the subject line hardly indicated at the lack of swearing). 🤣🤣🤣

Show quote history

@Icedlatteplease There will be lots of people not concerned about the swearing. Swearing exists at the fringes of acceptable language for a reason, because humans sometimes need to express frustration or anger. My view is that it should be used selectively, avoided in front of young children and in professional settings, and not directed unfairly or unpleasantly at an individual, but to completely deny linguistic expression of very normal human feelings is unnatural.

Anyway, that point aside, it sounds like a very upsetting situation and better to express your feelings here than on Facebook, as you’ve said. As your uncle is so old, it may not be worth challenging his view (depends on your relationship with him generally and whether you think it’s worth it). I hope things do work out as well as they can for you and your daughter.

Howwilliknow122 · 13/12/2025 11:24

Hi op. Wow. Reading all your posts makes for some reading. Some bits I totally get , other posts I feel you look problematic yourself but then I stop myself to remember that difficult situations can make us act out and doesn't mean we did anything wrong. I know how gulity parties can tell a version of the story that might be correct but missing vital info or the truth is distorted in order for that person to look innocent. But I also know how ranting on face book gives others the ammunition to say, you're the problem. Its funny you say family who didnt even message your son on his bday but want to get involved at a time of crisis, I find these types of ppl usually just love drama , they dont actually respect 'family'and actually aside from my own children (thats just my own opinion) no other family member is that important to me that id allow them to make me think I need to stay in a family thats toxic purely because we are family. I mean that in reference to you cutting out the rest of your family, they sound toxic. And op im not saying that to be rude about your own issue with your daughter. I understand thats private and not our business. Good luck Op and I really hope things are sorted out as much as they can be. X p.s stay away from Facebook lol

BillieWiper · 13/12/2025 11:29

It's pretty pathetic sending it 'anonymously' and then signing it from 'a granddad'. So cringe.

It's like 'yeah maybe you are someone's granddad. So flipping what, you're not mine and your opinion matters not one jot. And you obviously have no conviction in what you're saying as you don't have the balls to say it to my face, or even in a text message!'

Just chuck it in the bin. Forget him and I hope you can make the most of having Christmas the way you want/need to this year.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 11:34

BoundaryGirl3939 · 13/12/2025 11:11

Parents and uncle are probably more concerned with the family image rather than your feelings. Hence the manipulation and guilt tripping.

They probably don't want any official spotlight (police, someone being charged etc) on the dysfunction. The easiest and mort cowardly way to try avoid that is by trying to control you and have you silently swallow the abuse.

Yep

Exactly this

OP posts:
Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 11:37

GoldenGeishaGirl · 13/12/2025 11:05

My brother in law cut ties with his parents last year. He and my sister have had relatives make similar comments because they don’t know the full picture and they want to pretend they’re a close and happy family when they’re not.

My brother in law had an aunt whisper in his ear at a party that she wanted him to go back to having “the close bond he and his mum had before he met his wife”. He explained about how he used to have screaming matches in private with his mother since he was a child, many years before he met his wife and he always avoided spending time with her alone. The aunt still wants him to make amends because that’s what suits her life better, not his. Extended family think they know about everyone’s relationship dynamics when they don’t.

I agree with other posters, bin the card and fucking curse, fucking swear, fucking scream on here as much as you want until you feel a bit better OP. Don’t waste your energy explaining anything to the old interfering fool.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Bambamhoohoo · 13/12/2025 11:40

Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 11:10

You cannot if your child decides to estrange because you went to the police. A relationship has two people, people can only deal with their side of the fence and lots of people don’t deal with their own side of the fence which in this case it sounds like the OP’s daughter is unwilling to do.

My own parents launched themselves into forgiving my predator brother for abusing my sister and me as many posters are advising the OP to do.

What that actually looks like from my side of the fence is they have let him dodge any accountability, minimised and denied his actions towards their daughters in his case he was still abusing my sister into her 30s, scapegoated me. I’m estranged from my whole family as a result, as I said in my first post family situations are extremely complex and people with simple ideas about how they would handle a situation are likely to be very caught out by them.

Show quote history

apologies, correction- I can control whether I ESTRANGE THEM

InterIgnis · 13/12/2025 11:40

I wonder if he imagined himself as the family patriarch taking the matter in hand, telling you off, and ‘sorting it out’. Misguided, at best. At worst, he’s trying to stir.

He does want a response from you. If you respond, you will likely get others family members attempting to scold you for ‘being mean’ to an old man (despite his own actions prompting your opprobrium). If you’re prepared, and indeed want, to tell them all to fuck all the way off a cliff then do so, but if you’re not in a position where you feel able and willing to do this, then it may be wise to not respond. Sit on it for a few days.

I personally probably would send a reply, but after any anger had passed. I wouldn’t in any way explain or justify myself to him though, because fuck that.

Differentforgirls · 13/12/2025 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Completely pointless post.

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 11:53

Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 11:03

I dont expect her to ever forgive me.

Hence me knowing we will never have a relationship.

You would have thought. But there is a possible train of thought that might have led to her doing it out of some misguided sense of care. I do think she thought she would never get caught

Show quote history

I know you're saying you can't tell us what the bad thing is that your daughter has done but unless my child was a peadophile or a murderer I don't think I could shop them to the police. You're saying she could think she was doing it out of a sense of care? It doesn't sound to me like that could be something heinous?

The whole thing is so convoluted we can't possibly tell if you're being unreasonable or not.

Isayitasitis · 13/12/2025 11:54

Netcurtainnelly · 13/12/2025 01:53

God's sake calm down. All.your swearing is unnecessary and horrible to read.

Its possible to be angry but not use all your foul language.

You need to calm.yourself.
Leave the 90.year old man alone. He's only doing what he thinks is best. He's not you and dosent understand what your going through.

You dont have to react at all, or retaliate.
Put it in the bin and forget it.
Not everybody understands us or agrees with us in life and that's OK.

Nobody made you read her swearing, an adult doesn't need telling what to do.

The op is having catharsis posting this and it's not something that is forcibly read is it?

AnnieLummox · 13/12/2025 12:00

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 11:53

I know you're saying you can't tell us what the bad thing is that your daughter has done but unless my child was a peadophile or a murderer I don't think I could shop them to the police. You're saying she could think she was doing it out of a sense of care? It doesn't sound to me like that could be something heinous?

The whole thing is so convoluted we can't possibly tell if you're being unreasonable or not.

Show quote history

But OP hasn’t actually asked whether we think she was right to report her daughter.

Differentforgirls · 13/12/2025 12:02

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 11:53

I know you're saying you can't tell us what the bad thing is that your daughter has done but unless my child was a peadophile or a murderer I don't think I could shop them to the police. You're saying she could think she was doing it out of a sense of care? It doesn't sound to me like that could be something heinous?

The whole thing is so convoluted we can't possibly tell if you're being unreasonable or not.

Show quote history

Best not to vote then but thanks for letting everyone know that you and your friends have discussed it and don’t know. I’m sure everyone is relieved.

Soontobe60 · 13/12/2025 12:09

DearieLuvvie · 13/12/2025 04:40

It’s always the ‘calm down’ that gets me.

‘Never, in the history of the world, has telling someone to calm down ever resulted in them calming down.’

Show quote history

And never in the history of the word has raging on a social media site about very unspecific things made a blind bit of difference.
OP, you came home from a works party, alcohol will likely have been involved, opened a Christmas card and didn’t like the contents. Then you went on the offensive here about god knows what. The best thing to have done is bin the card, had a brew, have a moan to your nearest and dearest then gone to bed. You’ve worked yourself up into a rage.

Soontobe60 · 13/12/2025 12:11

Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 08:15

Just scroll by this one @Icedlatteplease. Many people are very uncomfortable with other people showing strong emotions, big emotions makes these types feel uncomfortable so they come on random internet sites to scold and shame people for how they emote. It is their personal problem though so just ignore.

Show quote history

The op is not a toddler. ‘Big emotions’ comes straight off the pages of Instagram cod psychology advice 😜

lazyarse123 · 13/12/2025 12:13

Fedupmumofadultsons · 13/12/2025 10:02

Sorry I am going against the grain .but nothing my children have done nor will ever do would make me estranged from them .I would always find it in my heart to forgive them .even the worst kind of crime .but I know everyone is different..if she is young find it in your heart to forgive her because if not you will be heartbroken .always always a bit missing. Her .future grandchildren a whole side of your life missing..although I do understand teenagers and young adults can be challenging

You might think that but obviously something very serious has happened.
It's not a position to take lightly. Just be grateful you haven't had to deal with anything like this.

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