How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

[Icedlatteplease]

I'm estranged from my DD. There is good reason, it's in the hands of the police. Ultimately i dont know if they will prosecute. I absolutely devastated by it though and I am really not looking forward to Christmas this year.

My delightful family have supported my DD and as I understand it my parents were going round telling people I had breakdown and chucked my daughter out. We have recently spoken (i actually spoke out to a few family members about what has happened which doesn't place them in a great light) but it was fraught and I'm not honestly sure i can forget the last 6 months.

I've now had a fucking "anonymous" Christmas card from my elderly uncle on the importance family and how important it is to maintain family bonds. From a "concerned grandad".

Well fuck you. How fucking dare you. I can't exactly yell at a 90 year old he's a fucking idiot and none of this was my fucking choice. Or how my patents caused a fucking drama outside my house when i was only doing what any fucking normal person would have done l. Or if he was genuinely worried he might have liked to contact me at the time. Or at the point of my sons 18 birthday which noone from my family contacted him on. Fucking self righteous that. Thank you for making a desperately sad time even more sad

I spoke to him. Maybe he did have good intentions. Had to explain i couldn't fix everything. Im going to try go see him over the Christmas holidays.

Someone said you can't understand what hasn't been explained so i decided I'd explain.

Sick to death of sitting here regretting family at Christmas and keeping quiet.

Ah I see. You think that it’s twattish to call out ageism? That’s nice. One day hopefully you’ll be older than you are now, but that it doesn't make you less than.

I did that with trusted family members too @Icedlatteplease I found it really important to have those conversations with extended family members.

Some could take them and I’m very grateful to have them in my life and for some it was well past their capacity.

Ironically I found it was the ones for whom it was beyond their capabilities to understand they had the most rigid opinions on the situation. That lack of empathy and rigidity is what you need to avoid being around because I’m sure this hurts you on a very visceral level and you need people who can help you to process that and won’t trigger you while it is so raw for you. From your posts it sounds like that might be what you are dealing with from your parents.

Generally speaking, there is no legal obligation to report a crime. Not reporting a crime do not make you an accessory

Is it cathartic though or just intensifying the anger and grief? Genuine question

Can I thank everyone for posting its helped hugely. Also pointed out i probably am ready to for therapy and o do need it. Im going to drop out this thread now

I am in a similar situation with family difficulties. I simply got tired of forgiving those who will never change. It was a police matter, they were prosecuted and found guilty. I chose to have peace rather than chaos, turmoil and deception.

Recently SIL has stirred trouble after many years. She has been cruel and manipulative toward my dd, ostracising her from family events and insulting her dh, turning her back on him in public. My gs was invited where dd was excluded. He chose not to be a pawn in her mindgames and to his credit declined.

I have kept quiet. It makes me feel bad explaining things. I hope peace can reestablish itself and wish the same for you op. But this can only be achieved by keeping your own counsel. You owe no-one an explanation.

Family bust ups/estrangements always cause problems. Simply because people are giving others different versions of the problems.

If you’re happy with your actions, then best ignored.

Who is “we” then?

No, @Soontobe60 - I think your initial comment was twattish. The poster that replied “I hope I’m not like you when I’m 60” or words to that effect shouldn’t have mentioned your age, I agree. Because what you said was disgusting regardless of the age of the person saying it.

They could have simply - and very justifiably - said “I hope I never turn out like you”.

Someone's reply to my earlier post (which said something along the lines of: the ancient uncle might be an old fucker, but being so close to death puts things in perspective) was deleted by MN, so I'll never know what it said, but can only guess my comment didn't go down well!

Not having a go at you OP, but as someone who is no stranger to awful sibling/parent alienation (I never had kids), and having recently sat with my mum while she slowly died, I know that life is hard. It's also true that we can choose friends, but not family, and that is unfair.

I suppose what makes family "special" (often in all the wrong ways!) is that we have to some extent evolved from the same materials and circumstances, so in a way when we fall out with them we are also falling out with ourselves.

Good luck with your journey, I hope you find peace OP.

Nobody commented on my initial post though. I wasn’t replying to someone who’d commented to me. You’re confused dear.

Clutch those pearls a little tighter-and do try to unclench, love. 🙄

I’m really not. The post has been deleted now, but I know perfectly well what it said.

I feel for you, I really do. You've had to do what you've done and what is, or sounds to me like, the right thing.
Your grandad? He's 90, he knows he's not got long left, and is maybe thinking he'd like to see everything in order before he goes, so he writes that card. Other very elderly men I've known, but that age, have lost any filters they may, or may not, ever have had in the first place. They simply can't process the thought that what they say/do might be upsetting. Yes, I know it's damned annoying, but he's not thinking beyond what he'd like.
I felt similar anger to you at my 92yo uncle, when, upon seeing me on a mobility scooter, because both knees need replacing, and I fractured a vertebrae, and now can't walk far, said 'what the hell are you doing on that?'
No filter 🤦🏻‍♀️
I really hope it all sorts out for you, look after yourself x