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AIBU?

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Original poster

How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

192 replies

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:02

I'm estranged from my DD. There is good reason, it's in the hands of the police. Ultimately i dont know if they will prosecute. I absolutely devastated by it though and I am really not looking forward to Christmas this year.

My delightful family have supported my DD and as I understand it my parents were going round telling people I had breakdown and chucked my daughter out. We have recently spoken (i actually spoke out to a few family members about what has happened which doesn't place them in a great light) but it was fraught and I'm not honestly sure i can forget the last 6 months.

I've now had a fucking "anonymous" Christmas card from my elderly uncle on the importance family and how important it is to maintain family bonds. From a "concerned grandad".

Well fuck you. How fucking dare you. I can't exactly yell at a 90 year old he's a fucking idiot and none of this was my fucking choice. Or how my patents caused a fucking drama outside my house when i was only doing what any fucking normal person would have done l. Or if he was genuinely worried he might have liked to contact me at the time. Or at the point of my sons 18 birthday which noone from my family contacted him on. Fucking self righteous that. Thank you for making a desperately sad time even more sad

OP posts:
ChristmasFaery · 13/12/2025 00:11

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:55

Can I send him a Christmas card saying love to sort it out with my DD but unfortunately i dont she'll ever forgive me for reporting her to the police?

Please don’t do this, although it’s tempting! It’ll only add to the pain, hurt and anger you feel right now. After a few years I’ve come to accept the situation with my DD, you will too. My situation was different to yours but as parents you never expect to have to go NC with your children and it takes a LOT to move forward after going through the turmoil of that. I did a LOT of biting my tongue at the time I was going through it. I’ve eventually made peace with realising the decision I made was right for me. Your situation may end up in you being in contact with your DD again, you never know @Icedlatteplease. I chose to let family think what they wanted, I got sick of the interference in a situation they really knew nothing about except fabricated lies. The lies were fabricated with/by her partner who’s coercively controlling. No doubt some on here will judge me for that but there’s only so much a parent can take. In my experience don’t rise to the comments/cards sent etc. 💐

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 00:18

It won't. We won't ever be on contact terms again

I can't imagine a set of circumstances where we'd be in the same room without me saying what the flying fuck were you thinking.

(Except my testifying against her in court. Which will have to happen if they prosecute.)

Can't see her ever wanting to talk to me again given she also knows that at least one of those two things will happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 00:22

ChristmasFaery · 13/12/2025 00:11

Please don’t do this, although it’s tempting! It’ll only add to the pain, hurt and anger you feel right now. After a few years I’ve come to accept the situation with my DD, you will too. My situation was different to yours but as parents you never expect to have to go NC with your children and it takes a LOT to move forward after going through the turmoil of that. I did a LOT of biting my tongue at the time I was going through it. I’ve eventually made peace with realising the decision I made was right for me. Your situation may end up in you being in contact with your DD again, you never know @Icedlatteplease. I chose to let family think what they wanted, I got sick of the interference in a situation they really knew nothing about except fabricated lies. The lies were fabricated with/by her partner who’s coercively controlling. No doubt some on here will judge me for that but there’s only so much a parent can take. In my experience don’t rise to the comments/cards sent etc. 💐

Show quote history

Thank you though. I know it will accept it. It's just occasionally the anger gets the better of me.

Better here than Facebook

OP posts:
LemaxObsessive · 13/12/2025 01:05

You’re going to need to share what DD did, for any of us to give a proper objective opinion based on the context of the issue. For example, as a mother to a DD myself, I find it difficult to imagine anything my DD could do that would stop me having any contact with her, so immediately my mind goes to very, very heinous things….

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 01:37

LemaxObsessive · 13/12/2025 01:05

You’re going to need to share what DD did, for any of us to give a proper objective opinion based on the context of the issue. For example, as a mother to a DD myself, I find it difficult to imagine anything my DD could do that would stop me having any contact with her, so immediately my mind goes to very, very heinous things….

Edited

Can't still a police matter.

Doesn't really matter anyway. Your imagination of what is heinous,will be based off the impact of what has happened in your life. Maybe way better it way worse 🤷‍♀️ ten minutes before it all when to shit i couldn't ever imagine not having contact. Then it went to shit.

But it's not really valid. Truth is it's not my choice really to not have contact, it's just an inevitable conclusion of what happened.

Fact is it doesn't give anyone whose sole relationship with me is happening to be related by marriage the right to utilize Christmas to berate me about "family", when the only real genuine relationship is a Christmas card once a year.

It's actually not about DD. Not really

OP posts:
KitchenTrollyDolly · 13/12/2025 01:45

LemaxObsessive · 13/12/2025 01:05

You’re going to need to share what DD did, for any of us to give a proper objective opinion based on the context of the issue. For example, as a mother to a DD myself, I find it difficult to imagine anything my DD could do that would stop me having any contact with her, so immediately my mind goes to very, very heinous things….

Edited

No, she absolutely does not need to share that at all. The post is about the 90yr old sending the card, what happened with her DD is a police matter and should not be discussed anywhere....certainly not on MN because some stranger can't imagine being in her shoes.

Netcurtainnelly · 13/12/2025 01:53

God's sake calm down. All.your swearing is unnecessary and horrible to read.

Its possible to be angry but not use all your foul language.

You need to calm.yourself.
Leave the 90.year old man alone. He's only doing what he thinks is best. He's not you and dosent understand what your going through.

You dont have to react at all, or retaliate.
Put it in the bin and forget it.
Not everybody understands us or agrees with us in life and that's OK.

needapokerface · 13/12/2025 03:55

Netcurtainnelly · 13/12/2025 01:53

God's sake calm down. All.your swearing is unnecessary and horrible to read.

Its possible to be angry but not use all your foul language.

You need to calm.yourself.
Leave the 90.year old man alone. He's only doing what he thinks is best. He's not you and dosent understand what your going through.

You dont have to react at all, or retaliate.
Put it in the bin and forget it.
Not everybody understands us or agrees with us in life and that's OK.

For Fuck Sake there is always one !!!!

Just scroll on by....nothing to see here 😁

CarlaLemarchant · 13/12/2025 04:14

Problem is OP, you say you put something on Facebook that your parents then felt the need to clarify the situation with the wider family. So maybe take some responsibility there. Your parents spoke to the family because you’re posting on social media about what should be an incredibly private matter. Your elderly uncle has then overstepped with the Christmas card which just needs to be ignored.

Say for example your daughter assaulted you or smashed up the house and you had to call the police and she was arrested, you made a statement and she now has bail conditions not to contact you. Whilst it it may be a police/cps decision to prosecute, if you no longer want to pursue the complaint or go to court, you can tell them that and your views will be taken into account.

Thunderpants88 · 13/12/2025 04:39

Don’t be the winged embarrassing person who posts drama / loaded “quotes” on FB. It’s attention seeking and immature

DearieLuvvie · 13/12/2025 04:40

needapokerface · 13/12/2025 03:55

For Fuck Sake there is always one !!!!

Just scroll on by....nothing to see here 😁

Show quote history

It’s always the ‘calm down’ that gets me.

‘Never, in the history of the world, has telling someone to calm down ever resulted in them calming down.’

marmalade007 · 13/12/2025 04:55

Having what I'm guessing is a similar situation but with my DS, he's been to court several times, and his ex was always calling the police with lies, standing in my front garden! The only thing that has worked for me is stepping away. We moved 2 hours away ( and he was not an insignificant part of the reason for that). Then I gave him money because I felt guilty abandoning him but I've stopped that. And he knows that ( it killed me a little inside) . So now when he rings I know its not for money. It's like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. He is, deep down, still the gorgeous boy he was when he was little but he has made terrible decisions. He knows he can always live with me, will never be homeless. Good luck. It's shite

Zanatdy · 13/12/2025 05:11

He means well, but yes, needs to mind his own business.

Hate it when people start spreading their own version of events and everyone starts accepting that as the gospel. It’s all very sad that you’ve lost contact with your DD. Hard for us to know if that’s reasonable but certainly sounds serious. Maybe one day in the future, things may settle.

Mikart · 13/12/2025 06:06

Netcurtainnelly · 13/12/2025 01:53

God's sake calm down. All.your swearing is unnecessary and horrible to read.

Its possible to be angry but not use all your foul language.

You need to calm.yourself.
Leave the 90.year old man alone. He's only doing what he thinks is best. He's not you and dosent understand what your going through.

You dont have to react at all, or retaliate.
Put it in the bin and forget it.
Not everybody understands us or agrees with us in life and that's OK.

Oh get over yourself. This is a safe space for OP to vent and she doesn't need pearl clutching people like you.

Meerkatmanor4 · 13/12/2025 06:10

This reply has been deleted

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Dreamerinme · 13/12/2025 06:38

As angry as this makes you feel, you do need to take it within the context of his age - at 90 very few people are mentally astute enough to look at a complex situation and understand all perspectives. Also, his generation often have the belief that ‘family is everything no matter what,’ and will turn a blind eye to pretty much anything.

I am also NC with my DF and his 89 year old DSis (who is mentally & physically amazing for her age) can’t understand why all issues can’t just be swept under the carpet and we play happy families. I just nod and smile and keep her on an information diet as you’ll never change her at this age.

Bin the card and go and do something nice for yourself today.

Pipsquiggle · 13/12/2025 07:21

Hope you are ok @Icedlatteplease

Sounds like it is a very tough situation.

The problem seems to me that your DD has told the rest of the family 'her truth' of what has happened. Sounds like she is getting the support from the family and she is framing it that you are the problem.

If this gets to court, you will get the opportunity to say what happened from your point of view and it will be on record. The magistrate will decide on if there is any wrongdoing.

If this doesn't get to court, do you have a plan of how you want your family to know your side of the story? At this point it may be too late, your DD might have done enough damage already
Personally, I would be having a quiet word with your cousin and gently reminding that although your uncle has good intentions, he shouldn't be taken in by your DD.

GeminiGiggles · 13/12/2025 07:35

The problem with going NC (for any reason, with anyone but particularly family) is people who know nothing about how far you have to be pushed to do so want the world to be right and "but family".

I have been NC not even by my choice really for nearly 2 decades and still people pop up asking me to make amends. You just have to ignore it even though it's so freaking hard. One person I explained thoroughly the situation and they still message me when they don't hear from the one I'm NC with 🙄

Idontjetwashthefucker · 13/12/2025 07:38

This reply has been deleted

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Don't be such an arsehole eh?

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 07:49

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:27

You are right. I do just need to bin it. I will do. Eventually

But it has got me so fucking angry.

It's my fucking parents. What the fuck do they expect to happen when the lie to everyone about what happened. They sprout crap about the importance of family. "All the family think blah blah blah" It's fucking embarrassing. If they think that , that's because you told them. And the only reason your even vaguely fucking talking to me is because I put a Facebook post up and now you need to save face.

What was your fb post? Was it one of these types of memes?

How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related
Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 07:49

CarlaLemarchant · 13/12/2025 04:14

Problem is OP, you say you put something on Facebook that your parents then felt the need to clarify the situation with the wider family. So maybe take some responsibility there. Your parents spoke to the family because you’re posting on social media about what should be an incredibly private matter. Your elderly uncle has then overstepped with the Christmas card which just needs to be ignored.

Say for example your daughter assaulted you or smashed up the house and you had to call the police and she was arrested, you made a statement and she now has bail conditions not to contact you. Whilst it it may be a police/cps decision to prosecute, if you no longer want to pursue the complaint or go to court, you can tell them that and your views will be taken into account.

That wasn't a problem that was deliberate. It sorted a couple of issues that weren't going to sort otherwise.

Your timeline is wrong. They were telling people I was nuts from waaaay before the Facebook post.

I have absolutely no wish for the police to drop the case.

OP posts:
Elsvieta · 13/12/2025 07:52

It sounds like you need to tell your family members exactly what your DD did and why the estrangement happened. (Doesn't have to be on sm for all the world to see). Or her version of events will be the one they believe. It's rough, but you can't really not tell them the truth and then complain they don't know it. As for the card, bin it and try to forget. People who are nearing the end of their lives very often just want to see rifts healed and families happy. And the old man doesn't have all the info here - he really doesn't understand why it's not possible. If you never see him anyway, just try to forget him.

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 07:53

have absolutely no wish for the police to drop the case.
even if she ends up in prison? How old is she?

MrsLizzieDarcy · 13/12/2025 07:53

I'm estranged from my sister OP, and it's something I should have done decades ago. When our father died, it was hell on earth having to deal with her - and I had phone calls from "well meaning" family members who didn't have a clue about what I'd had to deal with from her over the years. So I'm now estranged from them too.

My peace of mind is far more valuable than contact with them. Sometimes you just have to "chuck it in the fuck it bin" and move on. Never put your sanity before the needs of anyone than yourself.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 07:54

This reply has been deleted

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I said do not know if they are going to prosecute not that it is unlikely.

Ah yes unhinged because I'm upset and swear

On mumsnet

Where it is both anonymous and safe to do so

Definitely unhinged releasing anger in a safe forum. 🙄

OP posts: