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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

192 replies

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:02

I'm estranged from my DD. There is good reason, it's in the hands of the police. Ultimately i dont know if they will prosecute. I absolutely devastated by it though and I am really not looking forward to Christmas this year.

My delightful family have supported my DD and as I understand it my parents were going round telling people I had breakdown and chucked my daughter out. We have recently spoken (i actually spoke out to a few family members about what has happened which doesn't place them in a great light) but it was fraught and I'm not honestly sure i can forget the last 6 months.

I've now had a fucking "anonymous" Christmas card from my elderly uncle on the importance family and how important it is to maintain family bonds. From a "concerned grandad".

Well fuck you. How fucking dare you. I can't exactly yell at a 90 year old he's a fucking idiot and none of this was my fucking choice. Or how my patents caused a fucking drama outside my house when i was only doing what any fucking normal person would have done l. Or if he was genuinely worried he might have liked to contact me at the time. Or at the point of my sons 18 birthday which noone from my family contacted him on. Fucking self righteous that. Thank you for making a desperately sad time even more sad

OP posts:
Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 12:14

Bambamhoohoo · 13/12/2025 11:40

apologies, correction- I can control whether I ESTRANGE THEM

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The OP has said that her daughter won’t forgive her for going to the police. That is the side the estrangement is coming from.

You seem to be on this thread to score points and to deliberately misunderstand the OP. It is clear you feel like you have simple answers and moral superiority to the OP from your posts. That is definitely not what I feel from what you have written. To me your posts lack sensitively, don’t appear to understand emotional nuance and lack an ability to read people and situations well, all things you appear to pride yourself in.

That is not the purpose of MN. It is supposed to support people going through difficult times which clearly the OP is struggling in.

lazyarse123 · 13/12/2025 12:16

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 11:53

I know you're saying you can't tell us what the bad thing is that your daughter has done but unless my child was a peadophile or a murderer I don't think I could shop them to the police. You're saying she could think she was doing it out of a sense of care? It doesn't sound to me like that could be something heinous?

The whole thing is so convoluted we can't possibly tell if you're being unreasonable or not.

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Op isn't asking for advice on the situation with her daughter, she is already dealing with that. So please wind your neck in.

WilfredsPies · 13/12/2025 12:18

Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 10:37

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Especially if the problem really is none of your business.

There is a vague instinct that once it's gone it's gone. If I do need it for some unforeseen reason it no longer exists.

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You won’t need it. Any argument that involves you having to prove that you got a semi anonymous card from a foolish relative on the importance of a family life that doesn’t exist, is an argument that you don’t need to turn up to.

Take the card, sit down in front of the recycling bin and tear it into tiny strips, and while you’re doing it, say out loud everything you’ve said here. Say out loud that he’s a massive bloody hypocrite talking about the importance of family and being a concerned grandad when he doesn’t give a shit the rest of the time. Where was this lovely grandad figure when it was your son’s eighteenth? Where was he when your parents were outside your house making a scene? (if that’s what happened, I haven’t been awake long, I have a rotten cold and may have misread). Tell the card that he’s a stupid, doddery old git that doesn’t give a shit about family unless it interferes with his plans or his image, so he can take his concerned grandad act and he can shove it up his concerned arse. And as soon as it’s done, bundle up that bag and get it outside of your house. I’m not wooo enough to suggest setting sage on fire, but it’s negativity that you’ve got out of your head and you need to get the card out of your house.

Whatever has happened with your daughter might still be up in the air, but there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. You can’t talk about it or influence what the police decide to do, or convince your daughter to understand that you did what you felt you had to do. It must be a bloody horrendous situation for you and the very last thing you need is added harassment/guilt/negativity from your parents, who sound like pretty shit people. I think it would do you the world of good if you took a break from them for the foreseeable. You know what’s going on. You know the truth. And you also know, deep down, that they wouldn’t suddenly become caring parents if they only understood your side of things. For your own peace of mind, you don’t need to deal with their shit on top of everything else you have going on.

Pthagonal · 13/12/2025 12:22

I'm not sure I would burn the card in your shoes, OP. I think I'd rather tear it up into tiny shreds while screamining 'Opinions are like arseholes, you wanker, we all have them, but we don't need to share' and other obscenities.

I've recently had a clash with an elderly male relative thinking that he could lecture me into doing what he thought was best, so I have a small understanding of the rage that you are feeling.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 13/12/2025 12:24

Sorry you're going trough this OP. Christmas is a particularly tough time to have to deal with toxic family and whatever's happened with your daughter. Rant away, get it out of your system. It takes a certain strength to call police in a family situation, be proud of yourself for not being the parent that enables the child or covers for them. Your 90 year old uncle may have been manipulated into sending this card by other family members, or maybe he's an arsehole, either way don't respond to it.

You're not obliged to have anything at all to do with your family. Let them carry on their own toxic performative lives, you can stay well out of it. Respond to none of them. The less attention they have from you, the less 'power' they have. Take care of yourself OP.

AliceMaforethought · 13/12/2025 12:25

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 12:35

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 11:53

I know you're saying you can't tell us what the bad thing is that your daughter has done but unless my child was a peadophile or a murderer I don't think I could shop them to the police. You're saying she could think she was doing it out of a sense of care? It doesn't sound to me like that could be something heinous?

The whole thing is so convoluted we can't possibly tell if you're being unreasonable or not.

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The AIBU was not about whether i was unreasonable to be upset.

That was a fact. I was upset.

The AIBU was not whether DD deserved being reported, or whether DD is unreasonable to upset. I'll save you the hassle no i wasn't, and yes she is.

The AIBU was whether i would be unreasonable to respond to the card either in kind or directly in the mode it was sent.

Clearly in the cold light of day you know silence is the best policy in this case, for now at least. But bloody hell sometimes you really do benefit from having someone there reminding you how bad an idea anything else it.

Or saying actually "go on go slug it out and you'll feel better". If that was appropriate. Which it clearly isn't in this case (keep reminding myself)

The convoluted thing. my life is convoluted. Thats just the way it is Hence why I dont talk to my friends about it. On the whole id rather be stone cold sober (because then i wont accidentally crack) dancing the night away getting on with my life. But sometimes my life catches up with me and hits me sideways, possibly more so because I was chilled and relaxed and didn't expect anything to come from opening a fucking Christmas card.

So no you dont need to judge how heinous DD was or wasn't. Or how terrible i was putting it in the hands of the police or not.just remind me however justified ranting at a 90 year old man might be, and I might be justified in being upset, it still isn't right.

Just thank you to everyone on this thread who has given me a well needed reminder not to be a dickhead. Thank you all for also helping me to figure out quite why I was so upset about it and why actually my first reaction was to take it straight to my parents and ask them to they had done.

OP posts:
gogomomo2 · 13/12/2025 12:35

Circumstances are everything so without detail nobody can say whether your family has a point basically. I, or anyone else can't reassure you that you are in the right.

i do know that it’s possible to hate the thing someone has done yet still support them to get the help they need or even in the case of an acquaintance, visiting son who did a horrible crime in prison. Obviously every circumstance is different but without the nuisance of what happened I can see how extended family may wish you can reconcile, we too don’t know what happened.

Unicornsatonalilo · 13/12/2025 12:37

I'm nc with my family for good reasons

I cut them out of my life years ago and a few years later,I moved away to where I live now

Until the day I moved,I had people stop me in the street,shouting at me for being a bad daughter and I had to make contact as they done nothing wrong

I got past the explaining why I had made the (very hard) decision to go nc and to the point I had people chasing me down the street,shouting at me and threatening me unless I said I was sorry for going nc and I was to get back in touch with them

Its the same thing-they've been fed lies and believed them-it was all my fault for not bending over and taking the abuse

I should have stuck around to keep up the image of a perfect family

The family can be very convincing and no amount of explaining changes anything

I'd just bin the card-you have your reasons and please get some therapy

Sending love as it's fucking hard

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 13/12/2025 12:38

TaffetaPhrases · 13/12/2025 07:58

Well op the problem is when you swear as much as you’re doing, it makes people disengage and even wondering if actually you’re the problem. Because you come across as so very aggressive. So I can’t offer advice; I’m just backing out of the thread, and I won’t be the only one.

You could have left the thread but you had to put a snide comment.

Take no notice op. Its your thread and you can say whatever you want.

Soontobe60 · 13/12/2025 12:43

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Here comes the ageism again 😡

Poonu · 13/12/2025 12:44

Ignore him you have the power now. Respect your own boundaries.

AnnieLummox · 13/12/2025 12:45

Soontobe60 · 13/12/2025 12:43

Here comes the ageism again 😡

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Alright then - I also thought your comment was incredibly twattish, and I hadn’t even seen your username.

Does that make you happier?

dapsnotplimsolls · 13/12/2025 12:52

Write down everything you want to say to him but don't send it. Don't mention it to your parents. If they bring it up, just say you disagree with him and change the subject.

Bambamhoohoo · 13/12/2025 12:59

Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 12:14

The OP has said that her daughter won’t forgive her for going to the police. That is the side the estrangement is coming from.

You seem to be on this thread to score points and to deliberately misunderstand the OP. It is clear you feel like you have simple answers and moral superiority to the OP from your posts. That is definitely not what I feel from what you have written. To me your posts lack sensitively, don’t appear to understand emotional nuance and lack an ability to read people and situations well, all things you appear to pride yourself in.

That is not the purpose of MN. It is supposed to support people going through difficult times which clearly the OP is struggling in.

Edited
Show quote history

Are you thinking of another poster? I have posted once on this thread which supports the OP in that I have stated it is possible to call the police on your child and still support them.

I don’t understand your offensive post in that context.

elfendom1 · 13/12/2025 13:01

TaffetaPhrases · 13/12/2025 07:58

Well op the problem is when you swear as much as you’re doing, it makes people disengage and even wondering if actually you’re the problem. Because you come across as so very aggressive. So I can’t offer advice; I’m just backing out of the thread, and I won’t be the only one.

People are allowed unleash heir hurt and anger and where better than on an anonymous online forum, where many posters seem to understand. The 'calm down' can come later. Climb down from your ivory tower.

PenguinLover24 · 13/12/2025 13:10

Who says you can't yell at a 90 year old they're an idiot 😂 an idiot is an idiot! But seriously why is it always the people in the wrong who get backed!! Then the classic family is so important etc! Ughhhh.

Oldandgreyer · 13/12/2025 13:27

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:04

A fucking anonymous Christmas card too. What git does that

Oh the mentally ill. I got one. Through the post. Which means it cost them money.
It was quite nasty inside.
I had a good idea of who had sent it.

Dramatic · 13/12/2025 13:45

Differentforgirls · 13/12/2025 12:02

Best not to vote then but thanks for letting everyone know that you and your friends have discussed it and don’t know. I’m sure everyone is relieved.

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I didn't mention any friends?!

cavalier · 13/12/2025 13:54

Life really is too short to get angry about this .. Let them … why are you wasting you precious energy getting angry z one day none of this will matter .. grab life and enjoy the best bits .. dismiss the rubbish bits .. life can turn on a penny .. a 90 year old could have dementia starting or something .. just forget it move forward… long time dead and all that is my motto .. believe me I could write a book on my family .. and other families .. take the higher ground .. just let them

Differentforgirls · 13/12/2025 14:02

Soontobe60 · 13/12/2025 12:09

And never in the history of the word has raging on a social media site about very unspecific things made a blind bit of difference.
OP, you came home from a works party, alcohol will likely have been involved, opened a Christmas card and didn’t like the contents. Then you went on the offensive here about god knows what. The best thing to have done is bin the card, had a brew, have a moan to your nearest and dearest then gone to bed. You’ve worked yourself up into a rage.

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About "god knows what"? Are your reading comprehension skills non existant?

Differentforgirls · 13/12/2025 14:06

This reply has been deleted

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FollowSpot · 13/12/2025 14:30

Soontobe60 · 13/12/2025 12:43

Here comes the ageism again 😡

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Yep.

Amongst all the very lovely older people I know the only one who would send someone a sanctimonious family-feuding patronising anonymous Christmas Card would have been just as likely to do it at any other decade in her life since she learned to write.

And the reason the OP should not respond aggressively is not due to the Uncles age but because it isn’t a productive thing to do and will not make anything about the whole situation better.

IMO.

fluffiphlox · 13/12/2025 14:36

My FIL died at 96 and was still the arrogant, stubborn sod he had always been. I don’t buy this ‘he’s a poor old man’ twaddle.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 13/12/2025 14:44

fluffiphlox · 13/12/2025 14:36

My FIL died at 96 and was still the arrogant, stubborn sod he had always been. I don’t buy this ‘he’s a poor old man’ twaddle.

No, of course not.

FFS my sister is 80 now and she's still a judgemental piece of shit who believes she's right about absolutely everything.

She also regards herself as the family matriarch who is somehow permitted to have the last word on family disputes, simply because she's getting on in life.