How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

[Icedlatteplease]

I'm estranged from my DD. There is good reason, it's in the hands of the police. Ultimately i dont know if they will prosecute. I absolutely devastated by it though and I am really not looking forward to Christmas this year.

My delightful family have supported my DD and as I understand it my parents were going round telling people I had breakdown and chucked my daughter out. We have recently spoken (i actually spoke out to a few family members about what has happened which doesn't place them in a great light) but it was fraught and I'm not honestly sure i can forget the last 6 months.

I've now had a fucking "anonymous" Christmas card from my elderly uncle on the importance family and how important it is to maintain family bonds. From a "concerned grandad".

Well fuck you. How fucking dare you. I can't exactly yell at a 90 year old he's a fucking idiot and none of this was my fucking choice. Or how my patents caused a fucking drama outside my house when i was only doing what any fucking normal person would have done l. Or if he was genuinely worried he might have liked to contact me at the time. Or at the point of my sons 18 birthday which noone from my family contacted him on. Fucking self righteous that. Thank you for making a desperately sad time even more sad

Good for you.

I don't need my family's respect. I'm more concerned with who deserves my respect. Frankly thats part of my problem atm. People i used to respect, their actions are at best ignorant, at worst completely contradictory with my own moral code.

The post on Facebook was once and strategic. It had the intended effects. One of which was my friends, knowing how close we were, now no longer ask me how my DD is when I see them. I am now happier going out with my friends knowing I don't have to talk about it or (lie) answering how she is and risk crying the second i walk through the door. And yes ive kept it that contained that people ive seen the same day has something happened haven't known. Partly to protect my DD even if it was at my expense. And I only had to do it once.

You really have no clue. And Why would I want family members back who I never really "had" in the first place?

What was the Facebook post?

I wondered at first who the concerned grandad was (mine are dead). I then realized it had been hand delivered by my parents in a bundle with the (perfectly normal) Christmas card from his son. 🤦‍♀️the concerned grandad was likely a rhetorical device as opposed to genuine anonymity.

Got to admire the English language standards of the despicable thing

From my reading the estrangement is due to her daughter not being happy about the OP involving the police. It is in her daughter’s hands whether they have a relationship or not because she would have to take responsibility for her actions.

OP you do come across as aggressive but, like PP, I also feel that the anger you have against your 90 year old uncle sending you an (unwanted) message via a Christmas card is more the frustration about the situation you find yourself in with regard to your daughter as well as the misconceptions of your wider family. Just burn the card now, go LC and get yourself some therapy ASAP.

I know exactly what it is like to have my wider family believe the 'truth' spouted by my narcissistic mother and was estranged from them all for many, many years. Only recently (and long since said mother's death) have I reconciled with a couple of my cousins.

Not relevant. Clearly this particular relative had not seen it. It doesn't exist now.

OP, I don't blame you at all. So what if he's 90? Old buzzard needs to wind his neck in. As for all the pearl clutchers on here, have a day off. Good lord.

Hmmm not sure. Being so close to death puts most of life's dramas into a whole new perspective.

My neighbour reported her GD to the police and the family never forgave her. Honour amongst thieves sort of thing. You are angry but you also have a part to play in this being the parent. The only resolution will be to communicate but i suspect you are all too far gone. Elderly relatives like to feel they are oracles in these situations but more times than not you discover a whole bag of shit in their relationships too

Id have told them to redirect Christmas wishes to my DD through my parents as I have no idea where she is currently living.

Im not really complaining about people having only one side of the story. Even if they have two sides most people will believe what is convenient for them to believe anyway, until/unless reality smacks them i the head.

I am fussed by people who have shown no previous care sending their "care" at Christmas. It has also revived some of my anger at my parents who would rather accidentally destroy any remaining "family" bonds rather than admit their role in the aftermath. All the while saying they care about family.

Just put the card in the bin and assure yourself that it was probably sent with good intentions rather than out of spite or badness. And forget it.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Especially if the problem really is none of your business.

There is a vague instinct that once it's gone it's gone. If I do need it for some unforeseen reason it no longer exists.

Sorry for what you are going through. I think posts like this people need/want the full picture to get a proper understanding and I appreciate that you can't discuss it here.

People have their limits and we're all different and this is why it can be difficult to understand how serious or not things are, I have one thing that is unforgivable just like most people have.

Your elderly uncle from my perspective is he was trying to help, when people get to a certain age their thinking changes, you need to understand that he is getting your daughter's side (from your parents), that is all he has to go on. I always say there's 3 sides to every story, side 1, side 2 and the truth.

Sometimes when things happen I really think that families shouldn't hide things, not give the full and correct information and just hope that everyone understands, this is impossible without all sides giving their side of things. Withholding information from your family is only going to anger you, yes it's probably none of his business but at the end of the day he's part of all your lives he's family and I think it is important that he has both sides whether you do that directly or through your cousin.

Yep. There is an element of that. surprised me. My DDad had pondered how I would have a moral code if I wasn't Christian. Im at a loss how any of this fits in with his

I find this way if thinking bizarre tbh. If, god forbid, an adult child of mine was guilty of child sexual abuse I would be ringing the police immediately.

Same if they killed someone, or stole loads of money from an elderly relative, or were abusing their spouse or... well, any number of things.

Maybe I'd still love them, but I wouldn't like them and I wouldn't let them get away with heinous acts just because they're my child. I would visit them in prison though.

Im a parent of young adults and I believe that when our children behave in a way that is criminal it is actually in their own best interests to report them. Hopefully your DD will see that you were left with no choice but to hold her accountable for her actions

I don't think you can reasonably expect your own child to ever forgive you for what is for them a betrayal and reporting them to the police.

If nothing else, if she thought what she did is that bad, she wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Sending moralising lectures in Christmas cards is to me like when people used to send horrible cruel cards on Valentine's Day; completely against the reason behind sending cards at that time.

@Icedlatteplease I'm with the pp who suggested burning the card - keep a scan or photo of it if you feel you may need it later, though I can't really see any reason why.

But don't just set light to it, make it a ceremonial burning to make it a physical representation of how people have been treating you based on half truths and lies, and how you would like to destroy all those comments and opinions.

Those posters saying they can't ever see themselves not forgiving their offspring, you really can't know how you would feel if the worst ever happened. How you would feel if you discovered your child had been knowingly peddling dangerous drugs and someone had died from them, if they had mugged & kicked to death yet another elderly disabled person for the FUN of it, if they had lured a toddler away & tortured them to death. All these things have happened in the past, and I'm pretty sure the parents of the teens who did this kind of thing would never have thought their children capable of it. You could accept a person back in your life, but could you really FORGIVE them for such heinous crimes?

That's the thing.

If i tell my side of what happened my DPs are going to massively look daft.

My DPs either have to completely turn tail. Or if there's a conviction it's going to be bloody obvious they've behaved appallingly to me, or been almightilty taken in. Im not sure they are ready for either version to be released. And i have now made it clear that there are people who will be told if it happens. For good reason too. They've had contact with my uncle and the card shows that parents are still going with their initial version of whats going on as opposed to a more muted version given what they now know.

We're meant to be working on a better relationship. I suspect I'm actually more angry about what it says about the futility of a relationship with my parents

I have a gut feeling they are waiting to see if it gets dropped so they can continue throwing me under a bus and save face with people they do care about. Even if they aren't really on my radar

It's not a nice feeling

Ringing the police and forgiving them are 2 different things though aren’t they?

I can’t understand people who are shocked that a murderers parents visit them and have a relationship with them. I believe very strongly that I would stand by my children.

that doesn’t mean I don’t think they should face consequences, which are unrelated IMO. I can’t dish out HM justice but I can control whether we are estranged.

I dont expect her to ever forgive me.

Hence me knowing we will never have a relationship.

You would have thought. But there is a possible train of thought that might have led to her doing it out of some misguided sense of care. I do think she thought she would never get caught

Bloody hell, you sound very sanctimonious

My brother in law cut ties with his parents last year. He and my sister have had relatives make similar comments because they don’t know the full picture and they want to pretend they’re a close and happy family when they’re not.

My brother in law had an aunt whisper in his ear at a party that she wanted him to go back to having “the close bond he and his mum had before he met his wife”. He explained about how he used to have screaming matches in private with his mother since he was a child, many years before he met his wife and he always avoided spending time with her alone. The aunt still wants him to make amends because that’s what suits her life better, not his. Extended family think they know about everyone’s relationship dynamics when they don’t.

I agree with other posters, bin the card and fucking curse, fucking swear, fucking scream on here as much as you want until you feel a bit better OP. Don’t waste your energy explaining anything to the old interfering fool.