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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

192 replies

Icedlatteplease · 12/12/2025 23:02

I'm estranged from my DD. There is good reason, it's in the hands of the police. Ultimately i dont know if they will prosecute. I absolutely devastated by it though and I am really not looking forward to Christmas this year.

My delightful family have supported my DD and as I understand it my parents were going round telling people I had breakdown and chucked my daughter out. We have recently spoken (i actually spoke out to a few family members about what has happened which doesn't place them in a great light) but it was fraught and I'm not honestly sure i can forget the last 6 months.

I've now had a fucking "anonymous" Christmas card from my elderly uncle on the importance family and how important it is to maintain family bonds. From a "concerned grandad".

Well fuck you. How fucking dare you. I can't exactly yell at a 90 year old he's a fucking idiot and none of this was my fucking choice. Or how my patents caused a fucking drama outside my house when i was only doing what any fucking normal person would have done l. Or if he was genuinely worried he might have liked to contact me at the time. Or at the point of my sons 18 birthday which noone from my family contacted him on. Fucking self righteous that. Thank you for making a desperately sad time even more sad

OP posts:
speakball · 13/12/2025 07:58

At 90 he should have seen enough life to know we know jack shit about other peoples lives. Seems he feels he is doing his little bit for the patriarchy by keeping the womens in line. Audacious doesn’t come close. Prick

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 13/12/2025 07:58

I just want to say I really hope the situation between you and your daughter improves. It's heartbreaking. Obviously every story is different, but I had to call the police when my teenage daughter assaulted me. With hindsight, it was a turning point. Nearly 10 years later and we have an amazing relationship.

TaffetaPhrases · 13/12/2025 07:58

Well op the problem is when you swear as much as you’re doing, it makes people disengage and even wondering if actually you’re the problem. Because you come across as so very aggressive. So I can’t offer advice; I’m just backing out of the thread, and I won’t be the only one.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 08:04

Thunderpants88 · 13/12/2025 04:39

Don’t be the winged embarrassing person who posts drama / loaded “quotes” on FB. It’s attention seeking and immature

It was but I needed something specific to happen and as a result it did. It was a calculated gamble but not one I care to repeat.

Hence why this is on my anonymous social media. There is no benefit to me or anyone my doing anything about this. But that's bloody frustrating.

I appreciate EVERY fucking post that reminds me of this and to put the card in the bin.

OP posts:
TheLittleGreenFairy · 13/12/2025 08:10

I don't mind the swearing and can understand how hard family estrangement is. Don't be disheartened OP there will always be people who get you and people who judge no matter how you live your life so you might as well live the way that's right for you. Ignore the people who don't understand, there's no obligation to explain yourself to people and it would likely be a waste of energy to try.

Quitelikeit · 13/12/2025 08:13

Has she committed vile crimes against children? Or stolen thousands of pounds from a family member?

The card is neither here nor there. He is 90, he has no clue what the situation is and you know the card was not sent with malicious intent

You wouldn’t be the first parent to turn your child in to the police and nor will you be the last

Im sure she will understand why you have done it

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 08:13

Where is dd living now? Is she a young teen too? It seems you’re annoyed at family for not doing stuff for your ds, but siding with her, is there a possibility you favour him and that they think they’re equalising things? Surely they must know what you’re accusing dd of as she’s been arrested?

Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 08:15

Netcurtainnelly · 13/12/2025 01:53

God's sake calm down. All.your swearing is unnecessary and horrible to read.

Its possible to be angry but not use all your foul language.

You need to calm.yourself.
Leave the 90.year old man alone. He's only doing what he thinks is best. He's not you and dosent understand what your going through.

You dont have to react at all, or retaliate.
Put it in the bin and forget it.
Not everybody understands us or agrees with us in life and that's OK.

Just scroll by this one @Icedlatteplease. Many people are very uncomfortable with other people showing strong emotions, big emotions makes these types feel uncomfortable so they come on random internet sites to scold and shame people for how they emote. It is their personal problem though so just ignore.

Landlubber2019 · 13/12/2025 08:24

@Icedlatteplease put the card in the bin and stop ruminating about it. You've said you will bin it eventually, why wait ? What purpose does keeping it serve?

mhsonissues · 13/12/2025 08:29

It’s hard to have an opinion as you don’t say what happened (appreciate you can’t if it’s a police matter). But having been in a similar situation myself I’m holding back on judging either side as we haven’t heard your dd side.

pictoosh · 13/12/2025 08:37

Only you know the context of the card. Certainly have your rant, I don't mind swearing at all.

Do think it's hard for any of us to firmly find in your favour on this as we don't have any context. It seems like a well-meant and possibly impulsive gesture.

UnhappyHobbit · 13/12/2025 08:41

PInkyStarfish · 12/12/2025 23:34

You have a lot of anger. It’s just a card sent with good meaning from someone who cares about you but sadly it backfired on him as he didn’t grasp the high emotions that you are dealing with at this time.

It is obviously a very serious situation if the police are involved and unfortunately for you and others that are estranged from loved ones or bereaved, Christmas is all about happy families being together.

Try to find some peace within yourself. Find the time to get to a place of beauty and just be. Leave your troubles at home and embrace being outside. Breathe in the fresh air and let the weight lift off your shoulders. A bracing walk and you’ll return home feeling calmer and better able to deal with emotions and problems that other people cause.

…………..
‘When the mind is festering with trouble or the heart torn, we can find healing among the silence of mountains or fields, or listen to the simple, steadying rhythm of waves. The slowness and stillness gradually takes us over. Our breathing deepens and our hearts calm and our hungers relent. When serenity is restored, new perspectives open to us and difficulty can begin to seem like an invitation to new growth.

This invitation to friendship with nature does of course entail a willingness to be alone out there. Yet this aloneness is anything but lonely. Solitude gradually clarifies the heart until a true tranquility is reached. The irony is that at the heart of that aloneness you feel intimately connected with the world. Indeed, the beauty of nature is often the wisest balm for it gently relieves and releases the caged mind.’

JOHN O'DONOHUE

This is so lovely. Thank you for sharing ❤️

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 08:42

Pipsquiggle · 13/12/2025 07:21

Hope you are ok @Icedlatteplease

Sounds like it is a very tough situation.

The problem seems to me that your DD has told the rest of the family 'her truth' of what has happened. Sounds like she is getting the support from the family and she is framing it that you are the problem.

If this gets to court, you will get the opportunity to say what happened from your point of view and it will be on record. The magistrate will decide on if there is any wrongdoing.

If this doesn't get to court, do you have a plan of how you want your family to know your side of the story? At this point it may be too late, your DD might have done enough damage already
Personally, I would be having a quiet word with your cousin and gently reminding that although your uncle has good intentions, he shouldn't be taken in by your DD.

Yes thats was exactly what was happening.

Although mostly the family support i cared for is my mum and dad, i was missing them terribly. They did finally contact me when they realized this wasn't all going to be suddenly dismissed by the police and might take years to get to court. Or because they were going to look pretty foolish if it turned out there was a guilty verdict and theyd told everyone it was my fault and i wasnt welcome because of what I'd done to her.

We Are now nominally cool but funnily enough neither of us have bothered to make contact since last we spoke. I thought I'd feel differently if we could only talk. Turns out damage is already done i think.

Honestly I don't think i care much for my wider family. It maybe took this incident for me to realise how little impact they had on my life. Having a word with my cousin is about the only sensible thing to do but I realise don't even have a direct method of contacting him we are that close. We normally would meet at the gatherings at my Parents house, I missed the summer one and I'm guessing they've just been told the Christmas one is not happening "due the the situation with icedlatteplease and her daughter" hence the card

There's a few closer family members I'm trying to sort through with. But in my heart of hearts I think that for my sons sake. I think I probably would have just quietly left the metaphorical family table

OP posts:
Differentforgirls · 13/12/2025 08:49

TaffetaPhrases · 13/12/2025 07:58

Well op the problem is when you swear as much as you’re doing, it makes people disengage and even wondering if actually you’re the problem. Because you come across as so very aggressive. So I can’t offer advice; I’m just backing out of the thread, and I won’t be the only one.

Not without sticking your oar in though to comment on a situation the OP is clearly upset about. Why are people like this? Did that post make you feel better about yourself?

LBFseBrom · 13/12/2025 08:54

You were very angry.
What was the situation outside your house?

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 08:55

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 07:53

have absolutely no wish for the police to drop the case.
even if she ends up in prison? How old is she?

Young enough for it all to be desperately desperately sad. Old enough and smart enough for her to have known exactly what she was doing. Ultimately she chose to do it having had any number of occasions to have not done it, or thought "maybe just maybe this is a bad idea". There are very good reasons for it to have been reported.

I didn't chose for any of this to happen. It's just the inevitable consequences of her actions.

OP posts:
DBD1975 · 13/12/2025 08:57

francii · 12/12/2025 23:05

YABU. A 90 year old man is very unlikely to grasp the severity of a complex situation and is probably just sad thinking about you and your DD in a tough situation. I’m not judging as I was very close to a similar situation with my DD years ago and also had police involvement so I’m not doubting how awful you are feeling. But you’re letting your emotions get the better of you on this one.

This totally, all the 90 year old will want to do is try and make the situation better but they won't really understand or know how to do so.
They will feel helpless but no doubt having sleepless nights over it all, a dreadfully sad situation for all concerned.

ThatBlackCat · 13/12/2025 08:58

Is there any possibility that it was a neighbour, or some busybody in the neighbourhood, that sent the card? You may be overthinking it. It's possible it wasn't a family member at all. I'm so sorry about your situation, it really sucks, our family went through a similar thing. Treat yourself to some nice cake or ice cream.Cake

Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 08:58

Differentforgirls · 13/12/2025 08:49

Not without sticking your oar in though to comment on a situation the OP is clearly upset about. Why are people like this? Did that post make you feel better about yourself?

Edited
Show quote history

I think it helps them with their feelings of superiority.

Anyone who cannot see the deep, deep pain and suffering of the OP under her anger has a very shallow emotional level and really should not bother commenting.

Anyone can acknowledge losing a child is horrific, losing a child because of their own actions and because they are unwilling to take responsibility for those actions is a special kind of deep loss and pain. Sometimes anger is a part of that grieving process. It saves from the pain just a little bit.

Judging the OP for how she is handling that deep pain is just cruel and says more about the person who is doing it’s own lacking than anything that the OP is lacking.

FollowSpot · 13/12/2025 08:58

This all sounds really painful OP, and in the midst of a dysfunctional family. Tribal feuding and taking sides etc, while not being there for you when needed.

And don’t fall for ‘poor ancient little old man’ uncle. My 96 yo aunt is sharp as a tack and acts forcefully (and malevolently) under her own steam.

Of course his fucking card would make you angry.

In the bin, let your fury run its course , then start gently telling your cousin / parents / other family members how very painful this is. As in the situation with your Dd, not the family drama - don’t feed that at all.

And for the very distant future don’t be 100% sure that one day your DD might not be able to come to you with an answer to ‘what the flying fuck were you thinking?’

Young people make startlingly bad decisions sometimes and time, age and reflection enables them to realise that.

Bestfootforward11 · 13/12/2025 08:59

This sounds so hard and I can see why you are feeling angry. I just wanted to add one thought. I wonder if as your uncle is 90, somebody might have put pressure on him to write the card?

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 09:00

ThisLittlePony · 13/12/2025 08:13

Where is dd living now? Is she a young teen too? It seems you’re annoyed at family for not doing stuff for your ds, but siding with her, is there a possibility you favour him and that they think they’re equalising things? Surely they must know what you’re accusing dd of as she’s been arrested?

I can't talk about the ongoing police matter. This isn't about her. This is about my relationships with my wider family.

Any really the fact that I still care enough about a family's members feelings to come a post on mumsnet when im upset, whereas my family menber doesn't care enough about mine to think what will happen if they sent a scolding Christmas Card, on an already desperately sad subject that if they knew anything about me, would know that if we are not in contact, there's dam good reason.

OP posts:
BoundaryGirl3939 · 13/12/2025 09:03

I agree with the posts that say elderly uncle isnt as innocent as some imagine him to be.

To me he seems interfering, manipulative and may have a superiority complex by tut tutting at others. I could never imagine sending a relative of mine a card like that. Boundaries crossed.

Original poster
Icedlatteplease · 13/12/2025 09:08

TaffetaPhrases · 13/12/2025 07:58

Well op the problem is when you swear as much as you’re doing, it makes people disengage and even wondering if actually you’re the problem. Because you come across as so very aggressive. So I can’t offer advice; I’m just backing out of the thread, and I won’t be the only one.

If you think the problem is someone swearing when they are upset, you must have very small problems in your life indeed.

Most of my family i haven't even spoken to.

You're backing out of a thread you chose to enter (the subject line hardly indicated at the lack of swearing). 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Differentforgirls · 13/12/2025 09:09

Lemonysnickety · 13/12/2025 08:58

I think it helps them with their feelings of superiority.

Anyone who cannot see the deep, deep pain and suffering of the OP under her anger has a very shallow emotional level and really should not bother commenting.

Anyone can acknowledge losing a child is horrific, losing a child because of their own actions and because they are unwilling to take responsibility for those actions is a special kind of deep loss and pain. Sometimes anger is a part of that grieving process. It saves from the pain just a little bit.

Judging the OP for how she is handling that deep pain is just cruel and says more about the person who is doing it’s own lacking than anything that the OP is lacking.

Show quote history

Exactly.

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