How fucking dare you? Rant family estrangement related

[Icedlatteplease]

I'm estranged from my DD. There is good reason, it's in the hands of the police. Ultimately i dont know if they will prosecute. I absolutely devastated by it though and I am really not looking forward to Christmas this year.

My delightful family have supported my DD and as I understand it my parents were going round telling people I had breakdown and chucked my daughter out. We have recently spoken (i actually spoke out to a few family members about what has happened which doesn't place them in a great light) but it was fraught and I'm not honestly sure i can forget the last 6 months.

I've now had a fucking "anonymous" Christmas card from my elderly uncle on the importance family and how important it is to maintain family bonds. From a "concerned grandad".

Well fuck you. How fucking dare you. I can't exactly yell at a 90 year old he's a fucking idiot and none of this was my fucking choice. Or how my patents caused a fucking drama outside my house when i was only doing what any fucking normal person would have done l. Or if he was genuinely worried he might have liked to contact me at the time. Or at the point of my sons 18 birthday which noone from my family contacted him on. Fucking self righteous that. Thank you for making a desperately sad time even more sad

I haven't got out of bed to put it in the bin yet. I had a rare night out last night and rare morning off this morning

And I am still reminding myself not to be petty. Mumsnet is helping

He’s a concerned old man who maybe feels he has a bit of the perspective and wisdom that can come with age. But he hasn’t got the full picture - and he doesn’t know that.

You are obviously very upset. I hope that you can get it out of your system and then take a step back. What you’re REALLY (probably - i’d guess) dreadfully upset about is the desperately sad and difficult situation with your daughter, not a stupid (but likely well-meant) message in a card.

I hope things with your daughter move in the right direction. Wish you peace, OP.

We need more context.

Op this isn’t really about the card is it? You’ve been through such a hard time feeling misunderstood, unsupported and generally abandoned. This must have caused you a lot of pain and hurt. Strong strong feelings. The intensity of your anger probably indicates the intensity of the pain. Once the red mist has passed see if you can find a therapist to help you find a way to sit with the pain, to witness the hurt and to hear your story. Only then can some true healing happen for you. Otherwise relatively mild niggles- like the card- rub up against the gaping wound and trigger these types of intense response. I really feel for you.

It’s not about being petty it’s about letting anger consume you and the ongoing problems causing you stress.

Its hard to let go of things when you are in this state of mind and it’s taking up all the space in your mind and may present as physical symptoms such as IBS, insomnia, fatigue, bad skin and all manner of health problems when you are full of stress.

It sounds like some of the rifts and problems can’t be rectified so you have to try and let go of the emotions that are twisting you in knots and find some peace within yourself otherwise you are going to make yourself really ill.

‘Be kind to yourself’ is a bit of a trite phrase that I dislike but you do need to spend some time on finding ways to soothe your soul.

The amount of anger you have is pretty scary. Maybe that is why he sent a Christmas card? He was trying to be a peacemaker, he probably shouldn’t have bothered, but given that this is your reaction to a card, if I was 90 years old I wouldn’t try to say it to your face either.

YES THIS

Send a letter, send an email, pick up the phone and talk to them.

Don't send it in a Christmas card from an anonymous "concerned grandad". In a bundle with your son's (perfectly normal) Christmas card, hand delivered by my parents.

Don't bin the card, burn it. As it goes up in smoke let some of your anger rise with it.

And then stamp on the ashes.

Honestly, I have found burning to be a far better way of dealing with unwanted mail contacts, because there is no trace left.

I am estranged from most of my mother‘s side of the family (but not my mother, who is also estranged from the same people.)
It‘s very normal for people to be lied to and key elements omitted in these situations. It absolutely hurts like hell to be treated this way and lied about and treated like a pariah when you’re the one who has been wronged. You are right to feel furious and incredulous - I sympathise. It’s very hard not being able to do anything with the anger that comes with the huge injustice. Get a punch bag? As hard as it is and with hindsight, it’s better to not respond/ give them a reaction and to stay out of this drama triangle they’re trying to drag you into. This is between you and your daughter/ the authorities. Sides are not inevitable.
Im 19 years on and have experienced some healing.
Ultimately I came to find it mildly amusing that people who had been fed half truths and lies were stomping around behaving as they were and saying what they were. It took a long time, but I now think it’s funny that these people have got it so wrong and ultimately made fools of themselves. Their loss.
You have to give it time, be kind to yourself and grieve for your relationship with your daughter. Keep those you trust close.
Sending love and strength.

Yes normally I do. This however was acute pain last night. Swearing on mumsnet was remarkably soothing.

It was also good to have people saying bin the card and reminding me not to act in anger

I understand your anger but there’s no future in creating a storm about this - for your own mental health and that of your son, you must let it go ie bin it and ignore. Rise above it!

Yes it is. And thank you

You are in a desperately sad situation and it must be very hard. But I think you’re focusing your anger wrongly. Your very elderly uncle clearly had good intentions, even though his action was misplaced because he doesn’t understand the full situation. But how could he if you haven’t told him or the rest of your family, and they've only heard your daughter’s version of events?

If you want people to understand the full situation you’re going to have to tell them, or at least explain it to your parents and ask them to pass it on to the rest of the family. It’s no good saying you don’t care, because you obviously do.

Actually this may really be the reason I haven't yet binned it. I don't think ive burnt correspondence in my life, but I'm having images of doing and Eliza from the Hamilton musical burning it.

Are you sure it is your uncle? If it was anonymous it could be someone else, a well meaning (twat) of a family friend? Unless you recognise the handwriting or something gives it away?

I wouldn’t contact the cousin, if it wasn’t your uncle it could add to the IcedLattePlease is unhinged story.

You sound like you are missing your family, could you arrange a meet up with your parents, somewhere neutral and public (it helps keep emotions in check a bit) to exchange Christmas presents so you can talk in person, too much is lost over the phone / writing?

Anger is a normal protective emotion but it can can build and build and start consuming you. If venting here isn’t enough and you find it is preventing you living your life then reach out for support.

If you care, you chose to get the other persons version of events.

My parents now know. Well as much as I can now tell them . They actively didn't want to know in the window that I could have told them.

I wouldn't care to tell these particular family members even if I could, it none of their business. Just like it's actually none of their business to interfere

I resent an unpleasant Christmas card. You don't get to pretend to care just because your Christmas has been inconvenienced

I've been estranged from my mother for 6 years, i have managed to do it without ever

1.posting on social media (other than to discuss on anonymous forums)
2.telling other family members what to do, including my mother
3.involving the police

the tone of your post and the actions you describe, sounds like you, OP, are very much part of if not the cause of this problem.

File unsolicited or passive aggresive cards and letter in the recycling bin, and act like someone who family can respect and come back to in their own time if they wish.

I wouldn't care to tell these particular family members even if I could, it none of their business.

But I thought you said the reason you weren’t telling them was that you didn’t have their contact details.

Entirely up to you, of course, but if it were me I would want to make sure everyone who had heard my daughter's side of the story also got to hear my side, or at least as much as I was able to share. If you don’t feel the same way, fine, but you can’t then complain if people only know a one-sided version of events.

Could be worse, imagine if your uncle was ten years younger and President of the USA. With those unsecret squirrel, diplomatic skills the whole world could be angry.

It must be so hard trying to balance the broader 'family' with your son's possible future needs for kin, your past relationship and the relationship with your daughter. Chuck Christmas emotional bullshit in to that and it's a perfect storm.

Stay off Facebook. Stuck to sweary old Mumsnet.

You are going through a very difficult time, and venting on Mumsnet is accepted practice.

I don’t think it’s relevant to know what has happened, just that in this moment you are in pain and need some support.

It may be in fact that if one of us was in your exact shoes, we would react differently from you, but we are not you, and you are dealing with this shit show the best way you can.

I can see the card was something that has really wasn’t necessary and has caused you huge anguish and grief.

I have been in a similar situation when my view of something was not taken seriously by others and all I could do was take comfort from the people around me did and could empathise and understand the grief I was going through.

I hope you have enough positive responses from this thread to help in this moment, and that you can survive this well enough to get through the rest of your day.

Regardless of the whys and wherefore, you have my every sympathy.

Wow so many judgy pp. None of you know what's happened to op with her daughter and frankly you don't need to know.
The issue is family members interfering when they don't have the facts.
It's quite simple to just say that they are thinkiping of them at this difficult time and wait for it to be resolved.
I hope you find peace op.

Oh god @Icedlatteplease that must have been incredibly difficult to have come home to.

I'm not sure why people are demanding to know details, the bottom line is if the police are involved and you may end up as a witness for the prosecution it must be pretty bad

No mother wants to have to do that to their own child.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this unsupported.

Ultimately though, however much af a cunt your uncle has been, yelling at him will only make the overall situation a whole lot worse and leave you far more isolated than you are currently. Quiet dignity is the best course here. They will all look very stupid when the truth comes out.

Find an appropriate outlet for your anger and then let it go. The greatest advice I was ever given was that you cannot control other people's actions, only your response to them.

Good luck op!

Everyone thinks everything is so simple if they are not involved in it or it suits them for it to be simple to fix. How dare they.

I had this with my DMs family. It was just how she was and I should try harder. They wouldn't help of course. That bit was none of their business. Right you are. She dispatched others with her fake concern to find stuff out. When it happened to them for a little (and they weren't living with the soulless bitch) it was different. Not easy at all.

I'd be tempted to send it to your cousin and let them deal with it.

Sorry I am going against the grain .but nothing my children have done nor will ever do would make me estranged from them .I would always find it in my heart to forgive them .even the worst kind of crime .but I know everyone is different..if she is young find it in your heart to forgive her because if not you will be heartbroken .always always a bit missing. Her .future grandchildren a whole side of your life missing..although I do understand teenagers and young adults can be challenging

If it was anonymous, how are you sure it’s from your uncle?
The whole situation sounds desperately sad and difficult though.
Not on the same scale as your situation but I’d had issues with my FIL and his witch of a wife and on Christmas morning, there was a Christmas card in with the kid’s well thought out Argos vouchers (🙄) written to my husband and the children but no mention of me. Fine, couldn’t care less but there was also a party invitation to the three of them and not me! On Christmas morning when my children were still quite young. The fuckers. So what I’m saying, is I know how it feels to receive something nasty and have the wind taken out of your sails.