Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

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Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

Sorry OP but if my child spoke to me like that..... your ex isn't helping the situation. Maybe next time get a taxi?? Your ex sounds horrible. Sending hugs x

I think you need to find someone else to run you about, or learn to drive. Realistically, an ex isn’t going to do this forever, and he clearly resents it, and is taking it out on you. You need to find another option. Stop relying on him, and you stop him having any control over you.

Disagree with above, I don't think he sounds horrible if he's willing to drive that far to drop you and the kids off for a nice weekend. I think it sounds like he's had enough of doing it though. If you're split up, in all fairness, it's not his job. You should learn to drive to not rely on him. I see your point about your son but really, if you're not together and you have plans that don't even include your ex, you shouldn't be expecting him to taxi you about.

I am divorced

there is no fucking way I would do anything for my ex.

in fact, there are very few people who I would offer to do that sort of drive for as finding holiday accommodation in the dark is a fucking nightmare at the best of times.

I think he was very very nice to agree to do it at all.

sorry probably not what you want to hear.

What a dick, it's not ok to speak to you that way and sadly it sounds like it's rubbing off on your eldest. It's appalling he called you a bitch and there should've been consequences for that behaviour.

Is your ex picking you up too or can you try and arrange some other mode of transportation? Whereabouts in the country is the caravan park, is an Uber feasible? I don't think you should be relying on him to do things anymore, it might ease the animosity a bit.

Harsh lesson learned - definitely make our own way there next time. I can’t remember if DS said I was being a bitch or that I was a bitch but still. It felt like they both ganged up on me and the whole journey was so depressing.

OP why don’t you drive? Is it a medical issue? I not, I would definitely try and get the license sorted, it will give you so much freedom.

Does he have a valid point? Do you ask him to do a lot for you?

Don’t rely on your ex for anything. He’s an ex for a reason.

To be fair, if I was doing someone a favour and 2.5 hour round trip, I would be pissed off about waiting around for a food delivery.

Obviously your shared DS complicates things, but he resents doing things for you so stop asking him.

Edited to add: I do really feel for you though and would have probably cried too if I were in your shoes!

I agree with this

Well, at least you know where your eldest gets his disrespect from. Did the eldest not want to go on the holiday?
Maybe do a holiday that’s more accessible next time, so you don’t need to rely on your ex.

There is something so dysfunctional and I'm going to use the word toxic, about the entire dynamic.

The more reliant you are on your ex, the more you are opening a door to bring treated badly.

You cannot ask this man for lifts any more. I believe there's a pattern of behaviour where he will belittle you and talk down to you if you allow opportunity. Asking him for lifts is a vehicle he can use to speak to you in a way that will only destroy your self worth.

Did he correct the child who said that to you?!

My teenager often does this in conversation with me. I know with certainty that the ex is very much feeding this. I believe that's happening in your situation.

Get tough here lady. No more crossing boundaries. You are not friends. The child needs to be spoken to about what's ok in terms of talking to you that way. The dad is modelling it I believe.

Yeah unfortunately it feels like the way ex speaks to me has rubbed off on my eldest. I am grateful for being driven there obviously but it was how he repeatedly said in front of DS how it was doing shit for me. He was incapable of seeing the bigger picture of how I was taking (and paying for!) our youngest away so he has a lovely holiday as his sibling has loads of holidays and opportunities that youngest doesn’t. Ex wouldn’t dream of taking our son away on his own and if I didn’t he wouldn’t go anywhere. 😔

Totally rude and terrible example to set. But can you learn to drive? Maybe best or stay local as yes people do get annoyed having to give lifts to people who don’t drive.

Plan on never asking him to do anything for you ever again. Your life will be calmer. If it means your younger child doesn't get to do some things - well anything is better than experiencing the scene in that car.

You have a disabled child in common. I would think he would realise that that might mean he sometimes does stuff with you that benefits the child - but apparently not. And lots of posters on here seem to agree with him.

Does your other child live with him? Because if my child spoke to me like yours did - called me a bitch and ungrateful - he wouldn't know what hit him with my response (and no I don't mean physically).

Presumably your own child is one of the people you would do it for though? The ex is facilitating is children going on holiday, not just their mum

It seems strange to me that you would book accommodation that you couldn’t get to under your own steam.

Your son and ex were very rude to you BUTnwhy on earth did you arrange a food delivery slot at the same time asbhe was picking you up. No wonder he was annoyed that was poor planning. He was doing you a favor and that took the piss a bit. I would learn to drive or find alternative options next time.

How much shit does he actually ‘do’ for you ? Is it shared custody? Does he ever have them? I don’t think he is unreasonable. There are not many exs that would have travelled that journey there and back when it’s not on ‘their time’ I think you need to learn how to drive.

Am I reading it right that he isn’t the dad to your eldest?

Do any of you people responding with criticism actually have a profoundly disabled child? I’m sure this caravan break was anything but relaxing for OP and I also don’t see driving your disabled child somewhere (if it’s the safest option) as a ‘favour’

It’s just me and my youngest. Eldest is with ex all weekend. Oldest just came for a ride in the car.

Am quite surprised by some of the responses on here.

Even if you do rely on him too much, his way of dealing with it is disgusting.

If he doesn’t want to do it, he can do the MN cliche and ‘use his words’ . The disrespect he shows you in front of your children is awful.

and I’m guessing you are the main carer for your young son? You’re right that it’s the least he should be doing, but sadly he’s not a decent person.

you need to deal with the reality. You can’t reply on someone like this. I’d suggest you arrange a taxi next time, hire car - or even investigate local charities who may be able to provide a volunteer driver if cash is tight.

Then your eldest could've stayed in the car and went back with his dad! Who I bet didn't want him for yhr whole weekend. Time for some real words with him on respect and who actually does the lions share of parenting
I'd sooner have got a taxi and paid over the odds than ask ex if that's how he speaks to you and allows his sons to speak to you! Think your intentions were good but never ask a thing of him again! And book a hotel with a swimming pool that's a taxi journey away next time! Poor you. Hope you perk up soon and enjoy your weekend