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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

456 replies

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 20:23

Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

OP posts:
OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 12/12/2025 20:57

At the end of the day, people who don’t drive and rely on others, are relying on the goodwill of others. If that’s how it’s going to be, it needs to be as easy as possible for the people you’re asking a favour of. And it is a favour, even if your child is involved. That doesn’t stop it being a favour to you.

usedtobeaylis · 12/12/2025 20:57

Pallisers · 12/12/2025 20:55

I have to say, if I'd agreed to do a favour for someone and they made me hang around waiting on a last-minute food delivery I'd be pretty pissed off with them.

He is not doing a favour for "someone". He is doing a favour for his disabled child. But he is probably one of those guys who thinks his ex uses CM to have her nails done.

I am amused though. On a thread this week many posters thought a woman whose husband announced he was gay 18 months ago and has a new boyfriend should entertain this new young boyfriend for xmas day with her young kids in the interests of family harmony. Guess that only cuts one way - the woman sucking it up.

Amazing how different the standards are isn't it?

cloudtreecarpet · 12/12/2025 20:57

I don't know why people are giving the OP such a hard time - she clearly says she asked her ex "months ago" if he would drive them.
He must have agreed hence the OP booking the trip. If he didn't want to do it or was going to be a dick about it he shouldn't have agreed in the first place.
I hate people who do that, it's so unreasonable & martyr-like.

The shopping was a bit of a mistake but still not that much of a deal.

The eldest needs speaking to by the OP about the way he speaks to her but his dad shouldn't be condoning that and encouraging it either - he clearly is setting the tone and the example.

It would be interesting to know if the ex ever plans breaks for the youngest son. I suspect I know the answer to that already.

Original poster
PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 20:58

usedtobeaylis · 12/12/2025 20:56

She was trying to arrange food for them all on a long journey, she hardly planned for it to be held up.

Its an absolute stretch to make her into any kind of asshole here. Again, she is the ONLY one of the two of them that was truly thinking of anyone else.

Show quote history

It was a supermarket delivery for the accommodation. Kids did have a McDonalds on the way though,

OP posts:
Horrorscope · 12/12/2025 20:59

Joeydoesntsharefood25 · 12/12/2025 20:41

Your son and ex were very rude to you BUTnwhy on earth did you arrange a food delivery slot at the same time asbhe was picking you up. No wonder he was annoyed that was poor planning. He was doing you a favor and that took the piss a bit. I would learn to drive or find alternative options next time.

I agree with this about the food delivery.

It’s really annoying when you offer someone a lift (and a two plus hour round trip is a big ask), you get to their place and can’t leave because they’re fucking around and not ready.

On top of that, the whole situation for all of you sounds difficult.

Learn to drive so you don’t have to rely on him.

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:59

usedtobeaylis · 12/12/2025 20:56

She was trying to arrange food for them all on a long journey, she hardly planned for it to be held up.

Its an absolute stretch to make her into any kind of asshole here. Again, she is the ONLY one of the two of them that was truly thinking of anyone else.

Show quote history

I didn't say she was an arsehole, I said she was taking the piss.

She could have arranged the food shop for the day before, or to be delivered to the cottage itself - not for the last minute when she was relying on someone else to give her a lift Confused

Yamahahaha · 12/12/2025 20:59

I think you need to pull yourself together and be a bit more self-sufficient. All this "little caravan park" and "little holiday" and sobbing all the way there and not being able to organise the delivery to arrive before you were meant to be setting off, etc. Could you not have used your phone to direct your ex so he didn't struggle to find the caravan park and predictably lose his temper again?

It all comes across as a bit pathetic and "poor me" I'm afraid, and it sounds like having as little to do with your ex as possible rather than relying on him for things would improve your situation.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 12/12/2025 20:59

Also he was probably pissed off at eating a takeaway in the car. That is disgusting in itself.

Original poster
PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 21:00

cloudtreecarpet · 12/12/2025 20:57

I don't know why people are giving the OP such a hard time - she clearly says she asked her ex "months ago" if he would drive them.
He must have agreed hence the OP booking the trip. If he didn't want to do it or was going to be a dick about it he shouldn't have agreed in the first place.
I hate people who do that, it's so unreasonable & martyr-like.

The shopping was a bit of a mistake but still not that much of a deal.

The eldest needs speaking to by the OP about the way he speaks to her but his dad shouldn't be condoning that and encouraging it either - he clearly is setting the tone and the example.

It would be interesting to know if the ex ever plans breaks for the youngest son. I suspect I know the answer to that already.

He doesn’t take our youngest out on his own, definitely wouldn’t take him on holiday!

OP posts:
Original poster
PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 21:00

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 12/12/2025 20:59

Also he was probably pissed off at eating a takeaway in the car. That is disgusting in itself.

Who was?

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/12/2025 21:01

I think you should have discussed the whole idea properly wtih your ex before you'd booked it, tbh. If your son lives with you full time then you are taking on the caring burden, and ex should be offering practical help, and yes, that should include arranging to get his son to a holiday.

However, if he also has DS a lot of the time, and has also taken him away on holiday without any help from you, then really you should be doing it with help from people other than him.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 12/12/2025 21:01

Okay, saw your update. Still your lack of organisation was holding him up.

2old4thispoo · 12/12/2025 21:02

Its not your exdp responsibility to drive you around.

Sounds like the boundaries are very blurred and its impacting your dc.

firstofallimadelight · 12/12/2025 21:03

You need to not ask your ex for favours he’s not a nice guy and it’s an excuse for him to treat you like shit.

The way he behaved was disgusting and there’s no excuses but he would have had the right to be annoyed at waiting for a food delivery! I appreciate it was late but you cut it fine!

cloudtreecarpet · 12/12/2025 21:04

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 21:00

He doesn’t take our youngest out on his own, definitely wouldn’t take him on holiday!

Show quote history

What a surprise!

He sounds like a real prince.
I can see why he's your ex!

As other ls have said though,make this the last time you rely on him. He agreed to take you but then used the trip as a stick to beat you with.
Don't give him the satisfaction in the future & don't make the mistake of assuming he can see the benefit of the holiday for your shared son. Because he clearly can't.

TimeForTeaAndG · 12/12/2025 21:04

Why arrange a delivery for 20 minutes before you were due to leave? Why not the evening before or earlier that morning?

I agree that you are unreasonable to have asked the ex to drive you anywhere regardless of the reason. If you had come on here saying my ex-dp has organised a holiday for him and our ds and is asking me to give them a lift to the caravan, it's a 2.5 hour round trip for me aibu to refuse? It would have been an absolute landslide of you owe him nothing, why is he even asking?

The eldest's language and attitude need dealt with as a separate issue.

searchforthesun · 12/12/2025 21:04

it would have been easier to book somewhere you could get to without relying on an ex to drive you.
Are you learning to drive? How often do you ask for help? Does he have his kids on his own?
i would be annoyed if I was doing a favour (which it is if it isn’t hisagreed time with his kids) and you had ordered a food shop that close to the time you were leaving. It could have arrived the day before.
it’s a lot to ask and I think going forward book things you can do by yourself or ask a friend or family member to go with you not an ex that clearly doesn’t want to help.

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 21:05

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 20:58

It was a supermarket delivery for the accommodation. Kids did have a McDonalds on the way though,

Show quote history

You could have arranged the delivery for the day before, to be fair.

If you were giving someone a lift and they were faffing about and delaying you, I suspect you'd be a bit miffed too, no?

SunshineAndFizz · 12/12/2025 21:05

I’d be annoyed if I was him too. You need to arrange things you can take him to yourself - on public transport if need be. Stop relying on him for things on your time, it’s not his responsibility.

Original poster
PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 21:05

Yamahahaha · 12/12/2025 20:59

I think you need to pull yourself together and be a bit more self-sufficient. All this "little caravan park" and "little holiday" and sobbing all the way there and not being able to organise the delivery to arrive before you were meant to be setting off, etc. Could you not have used your phone to direct your ex so he didn't struggle to find the caravan park and predictably lose his temper again?

It all comes across as a bit pathetic and "poor me" I'm afraid, and it sounds like having as little to do with your ex as possible rather than relying on him for things would improve your situation.

He found the holiday park but struggled to find the accommodation. I tried directing him but he said that I have no idea what I’m talking about etc. I was right about where it was! I know the crying sounded OTT but it was just so depressing, I was so excited about our holiday, the crying was linked to the separation and how shit everything feels and how disrespectful they both are.

OP posts:
cloudtreecarpet · 12/12/2025 21:05

TimeForTeaAndG · 12/12/2025 21:04

Why arrange a delivery for 20 minutes before you were due to leave? Why not the evening before or earlier that morning?

I agree that you are unreasonable to have asked the ex to drive you anywhere regardless of the reason. If you had come on here saying my ex-dp has organised a holiday for him and our ds and is asking me to give them a lift to the caravan, it's a 2.5 hour round trip for me aibu to refuse? It would have been an absolute landslide of you owe him nothing, why is he even asking?

The eldest's language and attitude need dealt with as a separate issue.

But the OP asked him months ago and he clearly agreed.
If he didn't want to do it or was going to begrudge doing it then why did he agree months ago?

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 21:05

FWIW I agree your ex sounds like an arsehole.

But you don't rely on arseholes to do nice favours.

Quitelikeit · 12/12/2025 21:06

So the eldest isn’t his son but they joined forces to verbally abuse you - then he took your eldest son and dropped him where?

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 21:06

cloudtreecarpet · 12/12/2025 21:05

But the OP asked him months ago and he clearly agreed.
If he didn't want to do it or was going to begrudge doing it then why did he agree months ago?

Show quote history

He agreed to give the lift. He didn't agree to be messed around for ages because OP wasn't organised enough to get the food delivered the day before.

Original poster
PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 21:07

Quitelikeit · 12/12/2025 21:06

So the eldest isn’t his son but they joined forces to verbally abuse you - then he took your eldest son and dropped him where?

The eldest is his son.

OP posts: