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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

456 replies

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 20:23

Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

OP posts:
paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 21:07

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 21:05

He found the holiday park but struggled to find the accommodation. I tried directing him but he said that I have no idea what I’m talking about etc. I was right about where it was! I know the crying sounded OTT but it was just so depressing, I was so excited about our holiday, the crying was linked to the separation and how shit everything feels and how disrespectful they both are.

Show quote history

Then why are you relying on him to do favours for you if he makes you feel so bad?

You need to stand on your own two feet a bit more, I think.

Potteryclass1 · 12/12/2025 21:08

I think theres a lot we don’t know. The delay in the delivery was just an excuse for your ex to get angry. Had that been on time he still would’ve found a reason to get angry.

Some comments here make me really uoset
its sad he can’t recognise this is for your disabled son. Why did you split up?

Dymaxion · 12/12/2025 21:08

He doesn’t take our youngest out on his own, definitely wouldn’t take him on holiday!

As I thought, a couple of hours driving in return for zero parenting, he sounds like an absolute hero !

BlueSeagull · 12/12/2025 21:08

His child or not taking you places is not his responsibility, think you need to get some independence.

cloudtreecarpet · 12/12/2025 21:09

Quitelikeit · 12/12/2025 21:06

So the eldest isn’t his son but they joined forces to verbally abuse you - then he took your eldest son and dropped him where?

Clearly if you read the posts they are both his kids.
He can't care for the youngest on his own but agreed to give the OP a lift to a holiday park where she will care for the child on HER own while he just looks after the easier, older child who he lets slag her off.

But, yes, the OP is the only one at fault here. 🙄

FuzzyWolf · 12/12/2025 21:09

I think he is we being very nice to do all that driving and I think you should have made sure things were timed to ensure you were ready. I can see why he is pissed off but unless there is a bigger backstory of you doing things, he shouldn’t have been so rude.

You need to sort out alternative transport and help for things in the future. It’s not up to your ex to accommodate your choices. Your child is a whole other matter and needs proper repercussions for that kind of totally unacceptable behaviour.

Alloveragain44 · 12/12/2025 21:10

I can imagine OP that the reason you have to ask your ex for things is because when you were together you've never had autonomy, you've probably dedicated your whole life to caring for you children especially the child wih more complex needs. You've battled hard to find the right school, behaviour is probably challenging, constantly going to appointments and as a consequence you've put your own needs, ideas and career on the back burner. You've probably not had time to learn to drive because your ex couldn't and wouldn't manage your son. You probably have no village and are going it alone, he's probably never enabled you to have a life of your own. He's being a shit and your son needs him to be a good example. I'm sorry OP hope you enjoy your holiday .

Acheyelbows · 12/12/2025 21:11

I'm sorry you have been treated so poorly. I can empathise with aggro from an ex. Try to block out the verbal abuse and know that your eldest will look back on this moment with shame when they are older or a parent themselves.

Your ex is a nasty person and you need to expect the horrible treatment. If you can't ask your child's father to help then who can you ask. You know he is in the wrong, not you and you need to let it wash off you.

You've organised a lovely trip for your child and you should be proud of your efforts to create special memories for you both. I hope you can put it aside and enjoy it.

Quitelikeit · 12/12/2025 21:14

cloudtreecarpet · 12/12/2025 21:09

Clearly if you read the posts they are both his kids.
He can't care for the youngest on his own but agreed to give the OP a lift to a holiday park where she will care for the child on HER own while he just looks after the easier, older child who he lets slag her off.

But, yes, the OP is the only one at fault here. 🙄

Show quote history

Why are you rolling your eyes at me for asking a question

I couldn’t quite work out if they were both his children or not!

AND I DIDNT SAY SHE WAS AT FAULT

kindly you read my post properly!

Shinyandnew1 · 12/12/2025 21:14

He sounds like a dickhead and I presume that's why you aren't together any more, but... I wouldn't ask a dickhead for anything.

Book places that you can get to under your own steam.

If I had been asked to drive people somewhere 3 hours on a Friday night in the dark, I would have been pissed off if they hadn't bothered to get their food shop organised the day before so we could get going. Could you get the holiday food delivery to the accommodation you were staying in?
Learn to drive or book somewhere you can get the train/cab to.

AgnesX · 12/12/2025 21:15

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Quitelikeit · 12/12/2025 21:17

Op

regardless of what this twat said use him as much as possible, rinse him financially as much as you can, report him to any authorities if he’s up to anything illegal and just generally be an utter challenge!

your elder son is clearly a chip off the block!

OopOop · 12/12/2025 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Agreed. I can’t imagine being so pathetic and childish about a 3 hour round trip for the benefit of my disabled child, just because I don’t like my ex.
But we’re all different.

OopOop · 12/12/2025 21:20

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:50

For a holiday his ex organised.

If OP wants to go away on holiday she should book it and arrange her own transport, not rely on her ex.

Show quote history

Pathetic parenting.

Original poster
PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 21:21

cloudtreecarpet · 12/12/2025 21:04

What a surprise!

He sounds like a real prince.
I can see why he's your ex!

As other ls have said though,make this the last time you rely on him. He agreed to take you but then used the trip as a stick to beat you with.
Don't give him the satisfaction in the future & don't make the mistake of assuming he can see the benefit of the holiday for your shared son. Because he clearly can't.

Show quote history

Harsh lesson learned! I won’t ask him ever again to help or give us a lift. I don’t ask him for regular favours, I take our son away 2-3 times a year on weekends away and ex normally drives us, I always thank him but he’s always made out how much he does for “me” but fails to see how hard I work and how much I do for our son to give him opportunities that he otherwise wouldn’t get. I’ve had strangers saying “I don’t know how you do it” and his needs are high, it’s hard work on my own and when I’m away ex is relaxing with our oldest, last time he stayed in a 5 star hotel while I was run ragged all weekend as I cannot take my eyes off our son. It feels unfair.

OP posts:
Jamesblonde2 · 12/12/2025 21:21

You need to learn to drive first a start.

BrokenWingsCantFly · 12/12/2025 21:21

usedtobeaylis · 12/12/2025 20:57

Amazing how different the standards are isn't it?

Show quote history

The standards wasn't different at all. Most the people on that thread said the ex should not bring new boyfriend and that they should be doing seperate Christmas now they are separated.

It isn't the norm for exes to carry on being so involved when they split up. The 1 of the pair expecting to keep a part of the relationship going by holding on to some of the nice bits like favours and joint ventures by saying it is for the children. It is confusing for the children if anything that exes are keeping 1 foot in the door.

The OPs ex sounds like the food delivery was 1 step too far. That he said he would be uncomfortable going into her house, doesn't sound like he is entirely comfortable in her company. Maybe there is a new woman around, who knows. But expecting to be having favours like this for life was too optimistic. He's had enough, time for her to arrange her own transport for her time with the children

bridezillaincoming · 12/12/2025 21:25

sharkstale · 12/12/2025 20:29

Disagree with above, I don't think he sounds horrible if he's willing to drive that far to drop you and the kids off for a nice weekend. I think it sounds like he's had enough of doing it though. If you're split up, in all fairness, it's not his job. You should learn to drive to not rely on him. I see your point about your son but really, if you're not together and you have plans that don't even include your ex, you shouldn't be expecting him to taxi you about.

I agree with this

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 21:26

OopOop · 12/12/2025 21:20

Pathetic parenting.

Show quote history

If you say so.

But I can almost guarantee that if this was a thread from a woman who had offered to give her ex a lift, and who was then pissed off because he was faffing about with a food shop instead of being ready on time, she would get an absolute TON of sympathy from people.

Driftingawaynow · 12/12/2025 21:26

God, people on Mumsnet cannot get their heads around the idea that ex partners may still help out with things, it’s like you have to be enemies but the same time you’re supposed to coparent without any friction, which is it? It’s fucking ridiculous and so childish.

My ex partner helps me out with my sons/ his stepsons needs , we are adults and we both have a responsibility to the boy. Me because I am his biological mother, him because he made promises to care for him when we were together, and those promises are profound.

sounds sensible that you are planning not to ask for help again, I’m sorry he can’t just behave nicely. Try to have a good weekend with your kid

Dymaxion · 12/12/2025 21:27

He's had enough, time for her to arrange her own transport for her time with the children

He doesn't spend any time alone with the younger child because its all a bit too much for him, as is doing a bit of driving 2-3 times a year so that child can have a holiday, I imagine his name will be mentioned in the New Years Honours list for services to parenting.

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 21:28

Dymaxion · 12/12/2025 21:27

He's had enough, time for her to arrange her own transport for her time with the children

He doesn't spend any time alone with the younger child because its all a bit too much for him, as is doing a bit of driving 2-3 times a year so that child can have a holiday, I imagine his name will be mentioned in the New Years Honours list for services to parenting.

But if he's that much of an arsehole, why is she relying on him at all? It's just asking for trouble and upset.

notatinydancer · 12/12/2025 21:28

Octavia64 · 12/12/2025 20:31

I am divorced

there is no fucking way I would do anything for my ex.

in fact, there are very few people who I would offer to do that sort of drive for as finding holiday accommodation in the dark is a fucking nightmare at the best of times.

I think he was very very nice to agree to do it at all.

sorry probably not what you want to hear.

It was for the kids though.

Original poster
PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 21:28

Dymaxion · 12/12/2025 21:08

He doesn’t take our youngest out on his own, definitely wouldn’t take him on holiday!

As I thought, a couple of hours driving in return for zero parenting, he sounds like an absolute hero !

This is actually his weekend with our youngest too so he gets 3 days off and chill time with our easy oldest.

OP posts:
OopOop · 12/12/2025 21:29

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 21:26

If you say so.

But I can almost guarantee that if this was a thread from a woman who had offered to give her ex a lift, and who was then pissed off because he was faffing about with a food shop instead of being ready on time, she would get an absolute TON of sympathy from people.

Show quote history

Do you have a disabled child? I do. And I would move heaven and earth to give him some enjoyment in life. Including (and this may blow your mind!) waiting for a food shop. A minor fucking inconvenience. I can’t even imagine throwing such a tantrum about doing something for the benefit of my disabled child, just because I don’t like my ex. As I said, pathetic parenting.