Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex says he’s sick of doing shit for me

456 replies

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 20:23

Tonight it was driving me and our disabled son to a little caravan park so our son could have a festive holiday. Asked ex months ago if he wouldn’t mind driving us as I don’t drive, it’s one hour and 15/20 minutes drive.

Ex turned up this evening and I had booked a food delivery to take with us, delivery was delayed by 20 minutes so I apologised and said does he want to come in with our oldest to wait. He was annoyed saying I should have planned it better and it wasn’t fair, he’s not waiting and no way is he waiting in my house. He said he was sick of doing shit for me, I argued that it wasn’t for me, it was for our son who deserves the same opportunities as his sibling, it’s not like he’s driving me to a spa weekend etc. he called me an arsehole and stormed off.

i cancelled the delivery as they kept pushing it back, i sat in the car and told him i had cancelled it, oldest said i was a bitch and how ungrateful I was to Dad. I shouted at him to not call me that and to show me some respect.

Ex put on happy Christmas music and chatted to DS and I cried all the way there as I was so looking forward to a happy, festive weekend with youngest. (It was dark, the kids wouldn’t have seen but I just felt fucking broken in that moment by everything)

Ex struggled to find the accommodation and again said how he was sick of doing this shit for ME. DS joined in with how mammy is ungrateful and I tried to say how it’s not for me, it’s for his sibling who deserves a little holiday, he has profound needs and it’s not easy on my own with him.

Ex dropped off all the stuff for us but fucking hell. It’s the last time I ask him to help us. AIBU? Was I ungrateful? Who was unreasonable?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 12/12/2025 20:45

Pushmepullyou · 12/12/2025 20:40

Presumably your own child is one of the people you would do it for though? The ex is facilitating is children going on holiday, not just their mum

Show quote history

Nope.

i’d do it for my kid on their own.

i wouldn’t piss on my ex if he was on fire and I certainly wouldn’t give home a lift anywhere except hell.

ThisLittlePony · 12/12/2025 20:45

sharkstale · 12/12/2025 20:29

Disagree with above, I don't think he sounds horrible if he's willing to drive that far to drop you and the kids off for a nice weekend. I think it sounds like he's had enough of doing it though. If you're split up, in all fairness, it's not his job. You should learn to drive to not rely on him. I see your point about your son but really, if you're not together and you have plans that don't even include your ex, you shouldn't be expecting him to taxi you about.

This, why did you choose a holiday so far away? What would you have done if had been unwell? Are you used to being a damsel in distress and having people run after you?

Keroppi · 12/12/2025 20:46

Oh apologies I just seen eldest is with ex. That's good at least! I'd have been fuming if he was talking like that and sulking in the accommodation with me. You still need to have words and explain the reality to him tho and not shout at him because he will just believe your ex that you're nuts

JudgeBread · 12/12/2025 20:47

PoptyPin · 12/12/2025 20:38

Yeah unfortunately it feels like the way ex speaks to me has rubbed off on my eldest. I am grateful for being driven there obviously but it was how he repeatedly said in front of DS how it was doing shit for me. He was incapable of seeing the bigger picture of how I was taking (and paying for!) our youngest away so he has a lovely holiday as his sibling has loads of holidays and opportunities that youngest doesn’t. Ex wouldn’t dream of taking our son away on his own and if I didn’t he wouldn’t go anywhere. 😔

Show quote history

Try not to let it put a damper on your trip. Enjoy the time with your youngest, he's very lucky to have you and to be taken on this trip.

Is learning to drive feasible for you or is the cost too much? Do you have any other family or friends you can lean on to do the driving for things like this so you can distance yourself from needing your ex to do it? I know I'd be happy to do it for a friend so their kid could have a nice Christmas holiday.

usedtobeaylis · 12/12/2025 20:47

I'm confused, are people missing the fact that this is HIS son also?

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:48

He can't be that bad if he agreed to do a 2.5 hour round journey for you.

I have to say, if I'd agreed to do a favour for someone and they made me hang around waiting on a last-minute food delivery I'd be pretty pissed off with them.

I think you either need to learn to drive or get someone else to drive you around.

gamerchick · 12/12/2025 20:48

I think maybe you're a little bit U. Why did you book something that you needed your ex to drive you to? I understand you wanting some fun in life but relying on an ex shouldn't be part of it. Plus the disrespect is rubbing off your kid. Probably better you aren't in your ex's company.

I'd be coming down like a ton of bricks on your kid though. That shit needs nipping in the bus before it's entrenched.

Just try and have a good weekend. New year coming up. Book some driving lessons if you can, it'll give you freedom.

InBedBy10 · 12/12/2025 20:49

Stop asking your ex for favours if this is how he acts. You need to stop relying on him. Even if it is for the kids.

Hes definitely rubbed off on your eldest but that is no excuse for your son to call you a bitch! Honestly I wouldn't tolerate that kind of abuse from my own son. How old is he? Old enough to be shown the door? Maybe he should move in with his dad if he thinks hes so great. Im sure it wouldn't be long before He realises what side his breads buttered.

At least consider family counselling. Your son has a very unhealthy attitude towards you which may carry on to his future partners. Nip it in the bud now.

OopOop · 12/12/2025 20:49

Octavia64 · 12/12/2025 20:31

I am divorced

there is no fucking way I would do anything for my ex.

in fact, there are very few people who I would offer to do that sort of drive for as finding holiday accommodation in the dark is a fucking nightmare at the best of times.

I think he was very very nice to agree to do it at all.

sorry probably not what you want to hear.

For his own disabled son?

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:50

OopOop · 12/12/2025 20:49

For his own disabled son?

Show quote history

For a holiday his ex organised.

If OP wants to go away on holiday she should book it and arrange her own transport, not rely on her ex.

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:51

usedtobeaylis · 12/12/2025 20:47

I'm confused, are people missing the fact that this is HIS son also?

I'm not sure why that's relevant.

If he was taking their son on holiday, nobody would expect OP to do a 2.5 hour round journey to take him there.

usedtobeaylis · 12/12/2025 20:52

OopOop · 12/12/2025 20:49

For his own disabled son?

Show quote history

Right? I don't read anything about him taking their profoundly disabled child on holiday. All he was asked to do was drive them there, which he agreed to do. The OP ordered food for them to eat on the way and was trying to be thoughtful. It sounds like she's only one trying to be thoughtful and everyone is a poor wee put-upon soul. As ever, the bar for fathers is non fucking existent.

usedtobeaylis · 12/12/2025 20:52

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:51

I'm not sure why that's relevant.

If he was taking their son on holiday, nobody would expect OP to do a 2.5 hour round journey to take him there.

Show quote history

Nobody is expecting him to. She asked him and he agreed.

99bottlesofkombucha · 12/12/2025 20:52

It sounds like ds is old enough for you to ask him pointedly when he’s back- dd I have a question for you- when did your dad last take ds2 on a holiday or a real treat? Oh, and I’m the lazy one because your dad condescended to drive his own son to a trip he would never ever take him on? I dont think you realise which parent everyone else in the world would call lazy, and I’m so sad you genuinely don’t seem to expect your dad to do anything at all for his other child and he should get a medal when he does. I’d like you to think about that please. You’re getting too old to be so judgmental and rude to me, and you don’t realise that you’re also saying your brother doesn’t deserve holidays ever. He’s your brother, I hope you remember this next time your dad takes you on holiday.

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:53

usedtobeaylis · 12/12/2025 20:52

Nobody is expecting him to. She asked him and he agreed.

Show quote history

Yes, and then she arranged a last-minute food delivery and expected him to be happy to hang around waiting for her. That's taking the piss.

ForeverPombear · 12/12/2025 20:53

He's dealt with it awfully and you need to sort that out along with your oldest but I'd have been really frustrated with you too - why on earth didn't you get delivery for a different day/time?

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 12/12/2025 20:54

Pushmepullyou · 12/12/2025 20:40

Presumably your own child is one of the people you would do it for though? The ex is facilitating is children going on holiday, not just their mum

Show quote history

But most people don’t involve their ex to take their children away on holiday. I think some people think that if their child is involved, it’s automatically not a favour to the parent, but the child. But really, most people sort themselves out, or make alternate arrangements. Most don’t call on the ex on an ongoing basis. That’s realistically not a long term plan, unless it’s very amicable.

And the delivery was too close to the departure time, even if it hadn’t been running late. It’s all a bit like, well it’s for DC’s benefit so everyone should be happy and delighted to help, regardless of any issues.

Quitelikeit · 12/12/2025 20:55

Im confused

Is this guy father to both of your sons?

Or only one of them?

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:55

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 12/12/2025 20:54

But most people don’t involve their ex to take their children away on holiday. I think some people think that if their child is involved, it’s automatically not a favour to the parent, but the child. But really, most people sort themselves out, or make alternate arrangements. Most don’t call on the ex on an ongoing basis. That’s realistically not a long term plan, unless it’s very amicable.

And the delivery was too close to the departure time, even if it hadn’t been running late. It’s all a bit like, well it’s for DC’s benefit so everyone should be happy and delighted to help, regardless of any issues.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly. People are saying "oh, it's for their disabled son" but it's also a huge favour to the OP who could have arranged a taxi, or booked a train etc.

Pallisers · 12/12/2025 20:55

I have to say, if I'd agreed to do a favour for someone and they made me hang around waiting on a last-minute food delivery I'd be pretty pissed off with them.

He is not doing a favour for "someone". He is doing a favour for his disabled child. But he is probably one of those guys who thinks his ex uses CM to have her nails done.

I am amused though. On a thread this week many posters thought a woman whose husband announced he was gay 18 months ago and has a new boyfriend should entertain this new young boyfriend for xmas day with her young kids in the interests of family harmony. Guess that only cuts one way - the woman sucking it up.

Horses7 · 12/12/2025 20:56

Your ex is obviously an ex because he’s awful and a poor excuse for a man.
Most worrying is that your eldest son is speaking to you like that and no doubt will treat future females in his life like it too.
This needs to be addressed urgently - if your ex won’t speak to you calmly about this issue you need to sort it out yourself. You cannot allow your ex and son to abuse you in this way.
YANBU

usedtobeaylis · 12/12/2025 20:56

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:53

Yes, and then she arranged a last-minute food delivery and expected him to be happy to hang around waiting for her. That's taking the piss.

Show quote history

She was trying to arrange food for them all on a long journey, she hardly planned for it to be held up.

Its an absolute stretch to make her into any kind of asshole here. Again, she is the ONLY one of the two of them that was truly thinking of anyone else.

Dymaxion · 12/12/2025 20:57

Sorry if its me being a bit dim , but are both children his ? What are the custody arrangements , do they both live with you full time ? Does he ever have your son with needs ever ? or does he only have the older child, the one that he is happy to take on holiday ?
I think if he never or hardly ever, has the younger child, then he needs to accept that doing the minimal amount of parenting might involve a drive very occasionally, a couple of hours of driving to ensure the child gets a holiday, doesn't sound too onerous to me ?

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 12/12/2025 20:57

So you made your ex drive a 2.5 hour round trip in midwinter when it is dark and miserable and then weren’t ready to go when he arrived and you think he is being unreasonable? Sorry but YABU.

paintingtheroses · 12/12/2025 20:57

Pallisers · 12/12/2025 20:55

I have to say, if I'd agreed to do a favour for someone and they made me hang around waiting on a last-minute food delivery I'd be pretty pissed off with them.

He is not doing a favour for "someone". He is doing a favour for his disabled child. But he is probably one of those guys who thinks his ex uses CM to have her nails done.

I am amused though. On a thread this week many posters thought a woman whose husband announced he was gay 18 months ago and has a new boyfriend should entertain this new young boyfriend for xmas day with her young kids in the interests of family harmony. Guess that only cuts one way - the woman sucking it up.

No, he's also doing a favour for the OP who could have arranged another way of getting there - a taxi, train, a favour from a friend etc.

I'm also not sure why another, totally different thread is being shoe-horned into this one. Different threads get different responses because different posters respond to them. It's hardly amusing.