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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband building up resentment

237 replies

Jamans · 11/12/2025 23:56

I hired a decorator recommended by someone I know. My husband wasn't keen on him and wanted someone else but I went with my friend's recommendation.
It turned out to be a disaster; the final cost was double our estimate as we had to get someone in to fix the mess.
We've taken a big financially hit and it's set us back.

However my husband is seething. He won't initiate conversation with me and tends to avoid me as much as possible. I don't know what to do. I've apologised. He's taken no interest in the house or our finances.
Ive apologised and there isn't much more I can do.
i think he needs to come to terms with what's happend so we can move on.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 12/12/2025 00:19

He's being childish, but I can also understand him being pissed off.

You can't turn the clock back though, so he needs to just suck it up.

Vaxtable · 12/12/2025 01:17

He needs to grow up

i would just let him sulk and just carry on as normal, being bright and breezy

TheCosyViewer · 12/12/2025 01:30

These things happen, wasn’t your fault. It’s frustrating and annoying of course but your DH is being childish and showing his true colours. Stop apologising and tell him firmly if he doesn’t stop sulking, you can’t see a future together.

Pigeonsandgiraffees · 12/12/2025 01:31

You made a decision in good faith and chose someone who had been recommended to you. This is perfectly normal. You couldn't have known in advance that this person would be unsuitable, and if you had known this, obviously you wouldn't have hired him.

What is it about these facts that your husband is struggling so much with? Or is he just a bully, OP?

Lurkingandlearning · 12/12/2025 02:21

Have there been other times when you did what you wanted to do regardless of his opinion? It just seems like a bizarre reaction from someone who has no interest in the house or money.

But it would be an understandable reaction from someone when there is history of what they say being disregarded. Maybe he is at the end of his rope and can’t be bothered to waste his breath.

steff13 · 12/12/2025 02:34

If he didn't like the decorator why didn't you choose someone you both liked?

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 12/12/2025 03:31

Our of interest, how did he go from doing such a good job of decorating her house that she recommended him, to making such a hash of your decorating that it was bad enough someone else had to do the whole job again.

Original poster
Jamans · 12/12/2025 05:38

Lurkingandlearning · 12/12/2025 02:21

Have there been other times when you did what you wanted to do regardless of his opinion? It just seems like a bizarre reaction from someone who has no interest in the house or money.

But it would be an understandable reaction from someone when there is history of what they say being disregarded. Maybe he is at the end of his rope and can’t be bothered to waste his breath.

He has shown no interest in the house or money ever since I hired the decorator. He was very keen in investing and saving but every since this mess he seems to have switched off. He says I can make all of the decisions going forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jamans · 12/12/2025 05:40

steff13 · 12/12/2025 02:34

If he didn't like the decorator why didn't you choose someone you both liked?

I wanted it done quickly and this person came with a personal recommendation. My DH wanted to get quotes from other people.

OP posts:
randomchap · 12/12/2025 07:02

Sounds like he's furious and dealing with it badly

Has anything happened like this before? Hasty decisions meaning wasted money, or him acting like this?

Winterwonderwhy · 12/12/2025 07:03

I would be pissed too. Why didn’t you get other quotes?

Pinkissmart · 12/12/2025 07:06

As in a painter decorator or an interior decorator?

NoisyViewer · 12/12/2025 07:16

Was the recommendation from someone who’s had work or just knows him? There’s a world of difference in how serious you take the advice. Your husband has the right to pissed off & whilst initially him avoiding you & giving the silent treatment for a few hours so he can calm down & not say something he regrets shouldn’t surpass a few hours at most. If he’s done it for any longer then in my eyes you’re being punished & that’s not ok. You went with what you thought as the best option, you’re as much a victim of this dodgy dealer as he & I think the fact it was your decision to hire him makes you feel worse.

is this a one off disagreement? Does he feel like his opinion is invalid on other issues? His behaviour is extreme & my husband used to do this to me & whilst we where going through a really good spell I told him I how awful I found it & that it shakes your security, that I’m treading on eggshells in my own home & it has me wondering if he’s planning on leaving. I also pointed out whilst I may piss him off from time to time he also pisses me off & I have never treated him this way. I decide to forgive & forget & move forward. I’m not one to punish someone. He hasn’t done it since.

rommymummy · 12/12/2025 07:19

you apologised, he needs to stop punishing you. It’s him in the wrong now.

zaxxon · 12/12/2025 07:27

Jamans · 12/12/2025 05:38

He has shown no interest in the house or money ever since I hired the decorator. He was very keen in investing and saving but every since this mess he seems to have switched off. He says I can make all of the decisions going forward.

Show quote history

This makes it sound like he has got some story going in his head about how "my wife always makes bad decisions" and "all our problems are her fault". Giving you the responsibility for future decisions means he can carry on that narrative and feel righteous, and justified in treating you badly, which is what he wants to do.

It will be very hard to counter this, since he is basically setting you up to fail no matter what.

HatAndScarf33 · 12/12/2025 07:28

This seems like an OTT reaction, however, there's no context as to whether there is a pattern in your relationship with you not considering his opinions or ways of doing things. If you regularly push ahead with doing things your way, then something like this can feel like the straw that broke the camel's back. In which case, his reaction stems from cumulative resentment that has built up over time and not just from this single incident.

If this is the case, then to repair things I think you'd need to acknowledge this pattern in your relationship and make an effort moving forward to consider both of you in decisions moving forward.

Eyeshadow · 12/12/2025 07:47

I am 100% team DH.

He told you he did not want this man (likely because he’d heard bad reviews about him).
Instead of listening to him you ignored him and chose to listen to your friend above him.

Its his home too, you don’t get to go against his wishes.

You seem very irresponsible and I would be raging if I was him.

The only thing you can do is apologise and pay it out of your own money as it was your mistake.

Original poster
Jamans · 12/12/2025 07:52

HatAndScarf33 · 12/12/2025 07:28

This seems like an OTT reaction, however, there's no context as to whether there is a pattern in your relationship with you not considering his opinions or ways of doing things. If you regularly push ahead with doing things your way, then something like this can feel like the straw that broke the camel's back. In which case, his reaction stems from cumulative resentment that has built up over time and not just from this single incident.

If this is the case, then to repair things I think you'd need to acknowledge this pattern in your relationship and make an effort moving forward to consider both of you in decisions moving forward.

We have butted heads about spending money in the past. We ended up having to cash in our ISAs to pay for this which I regret. If I could do it differently I would.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromMyCrutches · 12/12/2025 07:55

Eyeshadow · 12/12/2025 07:47

I am 100% team DH.

He told you he did not want this man (likely because he’d heard bad reviews about him).
Instead of listening to him you ignored him and chose to listen to your friend above him.

Its his home too, you don’t get to go against his wishes.

You seem very irresponsible and I would be raging if I was him.

The only thing you can do is apologise and pay it out of your own money as it was your mistake.

This does not give him the right to seethe and sulk for an extended period, or to refuse to engage in all future decisions. If he had seen bad reviews, he should have spoken up at the time.

Punishing her for the decorator's ineptitude is childish and unhelpful.

And there is no 'your own money' in a marriage, regardless of what account it is in. It is a joint asset.

ChamonixMountainBum · 12/12/2025 07:57

He has every right to be initially annoyed but he is now being pretty immature. How much has the whole decorating disaster cost so far? £100s or £1000s? Has it resulted in all his previous 'investing and saving' being squanded?

randomchap · 12/12/2025 07:58

Did you have to cash in all/most of your savings for this?

Was the decorating really that necessary? Especially to get it done so quickly?

No wonder he's furious. However that doesn't excuse the silent treatment.

How are you, as a couple, planning on replenishing the savings? Can either of you take on more work? Do you both work?

Lobelia123 · 12/12/2025 08:16

Why did you over rule him? Why did his prefrences hold less weight than yours? I think you behaved badly here and were caught out, and he's rightly absolutely furious. Have you apologised? You should be making decisions about the house as a team, and his voice should count just as much as yours. You may just have to give him time to get over it, but understand that he's upset for a reason - you over ruled him, and your actions have cost you jointly a lot of money,

Lobelia123 · 12/12/2025 08:18

ChamonixMountainBum · 12/12/2025 07:57

He has every right to be initially annoyed but he is now being pretty immature. How much has the whole decorating disaster cost so far? £100s or £1000s? Has it resulted in all his previous 'investing and saving' being squanded?

I wonder if this is maybe not a 'last straw' type situation and OP has a history of impulsive, headstrong acts that end up causing mayhem because she won't wait, won't listen and won't co-operate? I dont know - just a guess

Eyeshadow · 12/12/2025 08:19

StepAwayFromMyCrutches · 12/12/2025 07:55

This does not give him the right to seethe and sulk for an extended period, or to refuse to engage in all future decisions. If he had seen bad reviews, he should have spoken up at the time.

Punishing her for the decorator's ineptitude is childish and unhelpful.

And there is no 'your own money' in a marriage, regardless of what account it is in. It is a joint asset.

Show quote history

Of course it does!

So if your DH does something wrong you just smile and forgive him straight away - that’s not healthy.

Why would he have discussions about decorating the house when OP ignores him and does what she wants anyway?

OP made a reckless decision that has had a big impact on them and I would be so annoyed if my DH went against my wishes.

And DH did speak up, he said he doesn’t want this person but OP wanted it done quickly and so completely ignored his input even though it’s his house too.

And most couples have a bit of their own money to spend on what they like each month. OP will just have to use this to pay off her mistake.

Lobelia123 · 12/12/2025 08:23

zaxxon · 12/12/2025 07:27

This makes it sound like he has got some story going in his head about how "my wife always makes bad decisions" and "all our problems are her fault". Giving you the responsibility for future decisions means he can carry on that narrative and feel righteous, and justified in treating you badly, which is what he wants to do.

It will be very hard to counter this, since he is basically setting you up to fail no matter what.

Show quote history

Maybe he's pissed off and thinking, whats the point of getting involved or having an opinion, shes just going to go ahead and do whatever she wants and decides anyway